4 weeks pregnant and feel my life is over - please help.

[Eamhair]

I did post in this pregnancy section however had no responses and I really need help.

I found out two days ago I am four weeks pregnant and I feel terrible to the point of suicidal thoughts. I just want someone to reassure me that everything will be ok.

My mental health has been appalling recently, a few months ago I thought nothing else of having a baby and two months ago me and my partner decided to try. My partner is excited and so should I be as this is what I wanted. i am 33 and really feel it is now or never.

I haven't stopped crying since I found and haven't slept. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm mourning a death. We have a busy life and lots of friends, go to gigs, cinema, meals out (well pre-lockdown) and trips away. I don't know what I was thinking, as I know my life won't be the same any more.

We are in a one-bedroom house and had planned to sell it and move in with my parents so we could save up money to buy somewhere else but I feel like now I am pregnant we can't burden my parents with a baby.

We aren't in the greatest financial position, for two of us we earn an decent wage but I struggle to see how we will do everything we want to with a kid. I also worry that our parents are older and won't have energy to help out with childcare. My parents will be 68 when the baby will be born and my partners 63 and 61. I am also about my parents dying and having no family support. I can't imagine not having a night away with my partner ever again. I also feel like I am grieving for the life I will be giving up and I just want to put a pause on life and have it stay this way forever.

But then I think I would regret if I was to give up the baby. I always like the idea of a family and as my siblings don't have children and are unlikely too, I feel it would be lonely not having children in my life if I was to ever split up with my partner. The thought of holidays and Christmas on my own seems so sad too. I feel I would regret not having children when I am older and the thought of being older with no children seems lonely.

I also worry about how I would cope if I had a child with severe disabilities or was very challenging. I think this is my own anxiety talking. I have friends who have children but they have much younger grandparents who can help out.

I worry I won't make friends with other parents, that my own friendships will suffer and I will be lonely. I also worry my partner will have to give up his hobbies. But then I know our own friendship group will change and that even some of them might have kids and then we will be left out. I know people say get babysitters, but this is something we would probably struggle to afford.

I am having counselling once a fortnight to help with issues with trauma and part of the work I have been doing is realising that my thoughts on control and not being able to cope with uncertaintly relates to this. Having children though is the biggest uncertainty but I know rationally that nothing in life is guaranteed. It might be the biggest joy in my life or the worst thing I ever do.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Other people seem to manage it so easily. I have been obsessively reading on the internet today about people who have regretted having kids and not having kids to try and get both sides of the story and I think this has made my head worse.

Sorry this is very jumbled and doesnt make sense. I don't make sense. I almost just want to end my life to stop all these thoughts. I cried in my partners arms and asked why I can't be a normal person, who doesn't have anxiety and is overly worried and just take life as it comes. How I can be worried about having a children and at the same time worried I won't have them. This isn't normal. Surely being pregnant shouldn't make you petrified about your own parents dying. Today I just wanted to phone my mum and tell her I was pregnant and all my thoughts so she could make me better but I knew that was selfish. I want to stop all these what ifs and thoughts in my head. I feel like I need urgent help but don't know where to go.

Hi OP, I can't offer much practical support but I want you to know you're not alone and whatever you decide is ok x

Oh OP, sending a big hug 🤗 please try and remember that your hormones are all over the place at the moment. When I found out I was pregnant with my first I had a big 'oh shit' moment. Have you seen the midwife yet? Perhaps ask for an appointment and speak to her about how you're feeling xx

Being a parent is a massive adjustment, your life (gigs, eating out, cinema etc) will change, but not forever, that stuff comes back and in it's place you get something else that I guarantee will fill your life with joy (and sometimes exhaustion).

There are lots of negatives to becoming a parent but you should try considering them along side the positives too.

Easy for me to say, much harder to do.

Good luck OP

Thank you. I haven't yet. I have been on the phone to NHS 24 mental health team tonight as I felt so low. They are emailing my GP who I have to phone tomorrow. They said I had to phone back if I wasn't feeling better tonight.

What a mess. This seems more than hormones. I love my partner but I don't think I can do this. I have a feeling he'll probably leave me. Last night I felt like throwing myself down the stairs, anything to get myself out this situation. Why did I think I wanted this?

OP.
I’m not pushing you into anything before anyone says this.
But if this how you feel, is this really what you want? You don’t have to have kids to fit into this society bullshit.

It’s not selfish to ring your mum, she’s your mum and she’ll love you regardless of what you do or don’t do. Give her a ring, she’ll probably be more than greatful you’ve been honest with her.

Please speak to someone about how you feel, even your partner. Be honest, let it all out and then see how you feel.
Sending you big hugs whatever you decide to do - make sure it’s the right choice for YOU. sod everyone else. X

I felt like this - almost - when I got pregnant. I tried for her, then as soon as I got my very quick BFP, didn't want the pregnancy. I had the same thoughts - my life is over, I want to go out to a restaurant when I want, I want freedom, I want my sleep, etc. I wasn't thinking suicidal thoughts, but I did consider an abortion which my partner was dead set against. Anyway, that was 2.5 years ago. My daughter is beautiful. Yes it was challenging at times, esp the newborn stage. But I felt like what worked for me was having control. So I gave her a routine (more for me than her!), I made sure I met a friend for coffee every few days, went to classes when we were up to it, etc. I also relied on my support network of grandparents heavily so I booked on me time. Yes it's hard but I promise you it DOES get easier and they DO sleep! I am obsessed with my daughter. Obsessed. Book a GP appointment tomorrow morning so you can start to get some help.

It may well be hormonal op. You're doing well to have taken steps to get professional help. Just hold on until they can get you help.

Hi OP, sounds like you're panicking about everything all at once! Deep breath, pause! You don't have to do anything at all just now. Find somebody to talk to and take your time to talk it out and think about what it is you want. Big hug!

OP I had to reply to this because I was exactly the same as you. I actively tried for my pregnancy so I was so shocked when these awful thoughts came in, thinking what the fuck have I done, my life is over, I can't do this, I can't be a mum, I want a termination.

I even went so far as to book a termination. I cancelled it. I was in terrible mental pain my whole pregnancy. It was awful. I had counselling.

I think my feelings stemmed from my alcoholic father, who physically and emotionally abused me through my childhood. I felt unloved and I didn't see how I could love a child. What if I turned into my dad? Do you have anything traumatic in your past that could have triggered these feelings?

I was a nightmare through my pregnancy. Everything felt like a bad dream. How you're feeling now.

But, and I know you'll probably roll your eyes and think not me, but my God I am in love with my son. He's nearly 10 now. He is strong, smart, quirky and funny. I burst with love and pride when I look at him. I look back at my pregnancy and remember how close I came to not having him and it makes me feel sick. He is everything.

I know it doesn't feel it now, but this IS good. This is your little son or daughter. You'll be the centre of their world. Everytime they feel vulnerable, you'll be the one they'll look for to make them better. Every time they succeed, you'll be the first one they'll want to tell. Every bedtime story, fun day out, cake baking session, funny conversation.. you'll love it. I promise. I know, because I was just the same as you.

Please feel free to pm me!

Thank you all. I feel so bad, I had been so down recently about wanting to have kids that it became an obsession yet if I am honest with myself, maybe it was down to trauma I experienced. 10 years ago I was sexually assaulted and then 7 years ago I had an abortion after another sexual assault and it is now only now I am dealing with this through counselling.

I know that not all people who don't have kids are unhappy and regret their life or are lonely without a big family. I wish I could stay with my partner forever. He loves me so much and now I've probably ruined his life by being so insistent on children and now feeling like this when I probably was so unwell.

I honestly hate being me. I might phone the mental health team back but not sure what difference it will make.

Don't make any decisions in a rush OP. If you have a termination in panic you may come to realise that you got rid of a wanted child. Take your time. You have time.

Thank you all again. I think I need a good night's sleep too. When I've imagined having kids, it's always a romanticized view or having them on a part time basis with time to myself. I sound like an absolutely hateful person for saying that.

I think everybody goes through a few weeks of ‘have I done the right thing’ see how you feel in a few weeks. With my second child I had psychosis I felt like you and worse but as soon as baby was born i went back to feel like myself, if you still feel bad in a few weeks see your GP.

You will still get to go on nights out and weekends away, but you will have new things to do too! Christmas morning is more magical, watching them in their first nativity, taking your child on a plane for the first time and watching their face light up! If somebody had me I’d enjoy CBeebies land and centre parcs more than a week in the sun with just my husband I’d never of believed them but i do!

Please see your midwife or GP if you are having bad thoughts but it is natural to have worries and fears.

Or meeting someone who had kids already. Why am I having these thoughts. What is wrong with me? I honestly feel like harming myself just to get rid of it.

💐🍫🧁🍰🎂 - select your pleasure
OP, it’s okay to be in doubt!
It’s okay to feel this is the end of your world

I am with @GinDrinker00, what do you want?

Not everyone has children, and this is their choice (not talking about medical issues)
I hope you get help quickly, in the meantime - virtual socially distanced handhold 💐

I feel for you OP. 63 and 61 is relatively young really My parents are this age and fine. I also have friends whose parents are in their 70s and still help out. Your friends are likely to settle down and have their own families and stop going out anyway, priorities change as you get older. Living with your parents and having a baby there could be a pain yes but it could mean you have childcare or at least the benefit of their experience. If it wasnt for Covid we would have a night away by now. It’s not statistically likely that you will have a disabled child and natural to panic about how you would cope in that scenario.
Re friends you don’t need to just mingle with other parents, I’m the oldest of my friend group and all the rest are childless. I don’t see why your siblings or either set of parents couldn’t be the babysitters to be fair when you do need a night out.

If you see your future with kids that is a positive side and shows the rest of your concerns are anxiety creeping in and creating terrible panic. You know you have anxiety but trust me you will get past this.

My PM is open at any time for you OP. I’m not a medical professional, just a parent with an 8 month old, anxiety and bipolar who may be able to put things in perspective

being pregnant is exactly this. Hormones skyrocket and women (not all) become their worst version for minutes/hours/days and tend to cry over pouring a glass of water.
Your life is not over, far from it.
If you don't like uncertainty sit down with your partner and create a decision tree. If this happens we have options 1,2,3... and we now prefer option 2. Eg. if baby has some syndrome = abortion (if syndrome=x,y,z, but not a,v,c)

1. this helps put you back in control
2. you are forcing yourself to think through all options and weighing what is important, what is not.

It took us 3 years to get our kid started. In first 10 weeks, heavy bleeding, extra hormones, no heartbeat/some heartbeat,.... i couldn't get out of bed until week 15 I was so sick.

So we had to be prepared. We decided on which abnormalities we can deal with, which we can't. What will we do if it's another miscarriage. It helped.

(Sorry for the very pragmatic approach, I work as a business analyst and obviously bring my work home)

Oh and an update re the comment on romanticised view. This is what we all have prior to actually becoming parents.There many options to ensure you are not chained to your child eg perhaps you could see if your partner will take parental leave so you don’t do a long mat leave. You need to keep an open mind and think things through very carefully. I hope you get the support you need.

Don’t harm yourself.
Write your feelings down. Pros and cons. Write it all out even if it’s on here or in private it really helps getting it out of your system and ranting onto paper.
Or punch the out of your pillow. Anything but please don’t harm yourself.
Whatever your thinking isn’t bad. Trust me. It’s normal to have these feelings and thoughts after everything you’ve been through. ❤️

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It sounds like you've got lots to deal with. We're really concerned about you talking about wanting to harm yourself, though, and would echo what other posters have said about seeking help in real life. There's so much support out there and you deserve to be able to access that.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly where we think you''ll get lots more advice and support from people who've been in a similar position.

my 2nd planned pregnancy, was desperate to conceive. The moment I realised I was I felt dreadful. Considered termination- which is not something I'd normally think.

It's hormonal, pregnancy depression. Please get medical help- counselling and possibly medication.

It's ok, it really is, but you need help.

Harming yourself won’t make the feelings go away for more than an instant. Then it’ll all flood back but with also feeling bad about having harmed yourself. If you are feeling like that, then phone the mental health team. Early pregnancy is just a wild time. It’s all the emotions, all at once and times a million. I had bad antenatal and post natal anxiety too. It was horrendous. The trauma you’ve experienced may well be playing into that. I know some people who have experience sexual assault can get re triggered in pregnancy because it’s another time where they feel out of control of their body. Could that be part of it?

Oh OP. I can honestly say, that sometimes even people who have tried for a baby for years, had IVF, lived breathed the very thought of having a baby, can totally brick it when they find out they're pregnant. It's lots of things, the unknown, the worry, the feeling of inevitability and being tied to train tracks with no escape route.
Just breathe. There are lots of downsides to being a parent of a newborn, but also a million amazing life changing moments that make it all seem worth it. Your life isn't over, it will just be different for a while, but different can also equal better.
Continue to reach out and ask for support, speak to the midwives, your GP and your friends.
It will be okay. Be kind to yourself and allow some time to get your head around things

Hi OP just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time at the moment.
Mental health struggles are real and difficult and I can relate to how it feels when you are tied up in knots by your anxiety.
Please be kind to yourself, don't judge yourself because you are struggling.
Whatever you decide to do, look after yourself please and don't be afraid to keep accessing support. There is some fantastic mental health care available, including specialist support for people who are pregnant, and new parents.
YANBU for feeling scared.

Thank you all for your lovely comments. I am meeting a good friend tomorrow and she is going to help me make a list. I will look at the mental health resources too. I know I can phone the mental health nhs 24 back too, even if too speak. All your posts are helping so much, there is much to be said for kindness of strangers