Thought long and hard where to post to get some advice. Have listened to trite shite from various places and so I have after todays meltdown posted here. To give a better picture of the situation I have included quite a few details, if you recognise me in RL please for the love of god realise I hurt so badly and don't judge me for my decisions.
Back Story.
2years ago my beloved daughter was severely brain damaged due to a botched delivery. This happens frequently in hospitals but it is hushed up, between 1 and 3 in every thousand births are born with brain damage, most could have been averted. My doctor refused a caesarian even though my baby had no movements and the meconium was sludge rather than liquid. To make matters worse she was not treated straight away but turned blue and stopped breathing in my arms at a few hours old. An amazing midwife brought her back to life, she was taken to NICU and we were as new parents devastated with our hopes and lives changed forever. I cannot begin to detail those first weeks.
We received no MH support after we came home to deal with the trauma and with a baby that NEVER stopped crying I thought i was going mad, begged the HV, specialist HVs, GPs etc for support - all said we would need to pay privately and no help available. We had/have been to hell and back. Over the years we have had numerous trips to hospitals when DD stops breathing or has seizures, each time thinking we were losing her again.
SO - I returned to work after DD was born. I enjoy it, it gives me something else to focus on (blunt but true) however I long deep down for another baby. What happened to DD shouldn't affect any future pregnancies. I don't want another chance at DD (just to make that clear) but another baby. A healthy baby, a baby I don't worry about, that moves and looks 'normal', that I can play with and not endlessly work on for therapy. I always wanted a big family anyway - 3 children.
We decided we would TTC after DD turned two, then we put it off for a month or two, then another month for baby arriving Sept ish next year. I then discovered my co worker is pg, I am so happy for her but inside just want to curl up and sob, I cannot be around pg women, i cannot look at them or their healthy bumps - blissfully ignorant of the horrendous care we received. Now I have to work 4 days a week with a bump. DH and I discussed and decided we wouldn't wait any longer to ttc - we would just go for it - but when we got down to it I had a massive panic attack.
Since then as soon as I imagine myself pg I burst into tears, I really want this but I am clearly not ready. No one seems to be able to help, GP prescribed AD's but I am not depressed. I am traumatised by the events of my first childs birth. I don't know how much louder I can shout that I am in so much need of support - I tried the Birth Trauma Association, their response was actually laughable.
Can I get better? DD would love a baby brother or sister, DH would love another child, but right now I am the stumbling block. And its not for want to trying to get better. DH needs support too.