Right, here we go. I have been looking through prev. posts re:mental health and post natal depression and wondered if I could get some help/advice from the Mumsnet ladies. I am going to lay it all out there.
I have 2 LO, both perfect (and one slightly mad, in a good way) I love with my really wonderful OH. There is 14 months between my kids and although I have (practical) help from grandparents they do live a long way away. I have pushed through these 2 pregnancies mostly alone. OH works very hard and runs his own business so that is his main focus day to day (he adores our children so no qualms there). We have had alot of upheaval and both pregnancies came as a shock surprise.
i have always been strong, been through alot in my life and I have not had the best relationship with my own mother.
My DD was born 10pounds 7oz (ouch!) and I had surgery to remove the placenta after a natural (no drugs) birth. I could not walk for the last 4 months of my 2nd pregnancy due to SPD.
She ate well, slept well and her brother mostly adores her. The day after I returned back form hospital my partner went back to work (I do resent him slightly for this though I am trying to let go of that emotion).
So there I am, 2 babies, limited supprt network, still with the pain of SPD which lasted until DD was about 4 months old.
I had mood swings and felt rotten. I blamed sleep deprivation. DD started to sleep through at 4 months. I still felt rotten. I blamed breastfeeding, I stopped at 6 months. I still felt rotten. I blamed my thyroid, got tested, I still felt rotten. I blamed my hormones, got put on the pill, had periods again, I still felt rotten.
Mood swings, aches, tiredness, frustration, forgetfullness, irritable, lack of patience, lack of focus, numbness, crying before breakfast, thoughts of people harming me (specifically being shot in the head) and obsessive thought about my partner being controlling (he's not, i'm just limited by my very young children in what i can do), anxiety about leaving the house in case it rains!
I went to the Dr and she gave me anti-depressants and I haven't taken them. I talked to friends and family, fairly negative reaction to anti-depressants, which is normal I think. So i felt better for talking, for putting it out there and being able to be honest about how i have been feeling. The weekend was wonderful and full of warmth and joy.
Now its Tuesday and I feel I could have a panic attack at the drop of a hat. Heart racing, sweating, irritable and tired despite a lovely evening with the OH and a good sleep.
The anti-d's keep calling my name, I am confused. I want someone to help me. Dr has not offered any kind of emotional support and my ever warm hearted and generous mother has said "this has just come at the wrong time for me because I am going on holiday". So she's on holiday.
Help?!?
xxx