Questioning my mental health

[tweedlezee]

Right, here we go. I have been looking through prev. posts re:mental health and post natal depression and wondered if I could get some help/advice from the Mumsnet ladies. I am going to lay it all out there.
I have 2 LO, both perfect (and one slightly mad, in a good way) I love with my really wonderful OH. There is 14 months between my kids and although I have (practical) help from grandparents they do live a long way away. I have pushed through these 2 pregnancies mostly alone. OH works very hard and runs his own business so that is his main focus day to day (he adores our children so no qualms there). We have had alot of upheaval and both pregnancies came as a shock surprise.
i have always been strong, been through alot in my life and I have not had the best relationship with my own mother.
My DD was born 10pounds 7oz (ouch!) and I had surgery to remove the placenta after a natural (no drugs) birth. I could not walk for the last 4 months of my 2nd pregnancy due to SPD.
She ate well, slept well and her brother mostly adores her. The day after I returned back form hospital my partner went back to work (I do resent him slightly for this though I am trying to let go of that emotion).
So there I am, 2 babies, limited supprt network, still with the pain of SPD which lasted until DD was about 4 months old.
I had mood swings and felt rotten. I blamed sleep deprivation. DD started to sleep through at 4 months. I still felt rotten. I blamed breastfeeding, I stopped at 6 months. I still felt rotten. I blamed my thyroid, got tested, I still felt rotten. I blamed my hormones, got put on the pill, had periods again, I still felt rotten.
Mood swings, aches, tiredness, frustration, forgetfullness, irritable, lack of patience, lack of focus, numbness, crying before breakfast, thoughts of people harming me (specifically being shot in the head) and obsessive thought about my partner being controlling (he's not, i'm just limited by my very young children in what i can do), anxiety about leaving the house in case it rains!
I went to the Dr and she gave me anti-depressants and I haven't taken them. I talked to friends and family, fairly negative reaction to anti-depressants, which is normal I think. So i felt better for talking, for putting it out there and being able to be honest about how i have been feeling. The weekend was wonderful and full of warmth and joy.
Now its Tuesday and I feel I could have a panic attack at the drop of a hat. Heart racing, sweating, irritable and tired despite a lovely evening with the OH and a good sleep.
The anti-d's keep calling my name, I am confused. I want someone to help me. Dr has not offered any kind of emotional support and my ever warm hearted and generous mother has said "this has just come at the wrong time for me because I am going on holiday". So she's on holiday.

Help?!?

xxx

Dear Tweedlezee
I was just browsing through this thread and felt I had to join Mumsnet and post a huge thank you message to you. Reading your post was like reading about myself and answered so many questions that have been buzzing through my head since Monday when my DR prescribed my anti D's.....
I have 3 beautiful kids and an incredibly loving and supporting DH many looking in would probably think my life was near perfect and would be shocked to know the negative thoughts and feelngs that I experience and the apathy for life I have and you also describe. I too can have really positive days and weeks that make me think I am just tired and not really depressed and just making it all up but then when the black spiral of negativity does start again I find it harder and harder to pull myself out and feel any hope for the future.

Anyway, you wanted to post a positive experience to encourage others and i want you to know that already you have done that for me - i feel so much more positive about taking the pills, accepting it is the right thing to do and looking forward to making the first step towards getting better. I look forward to hearing how your journey goes over the next few weeks and will share mine too.

My doctor gave me sertraline 50mg to take....

Thanks again and good luck xxx

"all you hear is the negatives form people who have never taken them and for whom depression is something which hapens after you lose your job"

That is so true. It's easy for people to criticise something if they've never been in the situation themselves. The same goes for "think positive" - as if the depressed person has never attempted that before! Some people think ADs are "happy pills" but actually they are "some hope of normality" pills.

I'm glad you are taking them. It will take a couple of weeks or so to notice the effect and I hope you're kind to yourself while you wait for them to help (and afterwards too!)

Mummybus Thank you! This has made my day in a massive way. This has been such a lonely journey getting to this poing that even just to have this thread, this combined set of experiences has made it so real for me. That I am not alone in my feelings and stuck in my head. The more we hear, the more we can know that is it not normal to feel this way, it is not ok to carry on carrying on, to keep pushing through the treacle.
I know having kids is hard, being a mother is a mega challenge but people would say "but isn't it wonderful when they smile and laugh" but my brain has been so screwed for so long that actually my head just thought "I'm just glad they're not crying and is it ok if you watch them whilst i throw myself under this passing car?"

NanaNina That might be worth thinking about then at least GP can get a better idea of how things are progressing. I had positive thoughts today.
The thing is, now I know it's an illness it is a process. I now have the right to ignore the negativity because someone has told me it's not ME. IYSWIM?

So yes, jamboncru in a way it is control. It is being given the right to see an end. Bieng given a label can help me, when my head thinks bad things, to think "actually, this is my illness, this is not me" and just thinking that makes me want to jump up and down with joy because before now I have thought "Yep, actually going mad and I can;t tell anyone because they will just say you are mad, better keep the madness inside in case someone finds out" but actually the most freeing thing has been letting it out. Just writing that first post yesterday, admitting to the things, have loosened their grip on me. Because I am not alone and that is so empowering!

Plus, if i have a bad day, i will watch disney movies with the kids because thats what normal people do on bad days, they take care of themselves. What isn't normal is the thoughts of falling, that is the illness.

'hope of normality pills' BRILLIANT!
And actually, due to the nature of depression, thinking positive would make it worse as it's another stick to beat yourself with as you feel you can't even THINK positive.
And being kind to ourselves, we must all do this. My mother in law is the greatest at this. She sees nothing wrong with a coffee and a massage. I was brought up in a household where if you hadn;t packed the dishwasher, hoovered the house, cleaned the toilet then you couldn't even consider having a shower. My mother is so hard on herself and has passed that onto me. I have a daughter and how can i ever tell her to love herself and to be kind to herself if i do not excercise the same level of care to me?

YommyMommy You shouldn't have to fight to feel level. Of course we fluctuate with hormones and such during the month but a bar of chocolate and a weepy film will fix that. But when you refuse to go to the corner shop (4doors down) because it's raining and you don't know what's going to happen, it;s not ok. I see this now, I knew it before really but who do you tell?
(Gee I've brokent he seal now, it's just pouring out!)

Can you get an emergency appt? I managed to call up in th emorning and go. Actually it helped as I had no time to panic about it, worry about it, not turn up. I just shoved half dressed children with toast hanging out of their mouth into the pram and marched down there. Is that possible? xxx

Tweedlezee,

I'm laughing at ur "scared to go to the shops 4 doors down" some days I can go to the corner shop no problem...other days the though horrifies me

My GP is on annual leave at the moment. I could see another...but the one I want to see knows my history (although she doesn't know the half of it ) I will b entirely honest this time as the only injustice I am doing is to myself!

X x

Tweedlezee - pleased I could make you day!
How are you feeling after a few days taking the pills? I haven't started yet - wanted to wait until the weekend when DH home as with summer hols have all 3 kids at home. I too have a daughter who is scarily similar to me and I am constantly worrying about how I help her to feel positive about herself and have the self believe and self worth that I lack. TBH it is another driver for me to get better - she is still young (9) and so I am hoping that she will think back and remember me better / normal rather than the stressed out sad person I am at times now.

tweedle it would lovely if you could update thread, I am sure it would make a massive difference to women who are currently unsure about medication.

Hello. Right today is day 4. Yesterday was fantastic! I woke up, dropped DS at nursery and completed a to do list. I think more importantly I had the energy to write the damned thing in the first place we even left the house early to play on the swings and watch the trains on the way to nursery.
My head has still had some anxiety in it, still worried about how I am 'coping' but I also have the right to think "this is your illness" I feel little bits of me are re-emerging form the depths where I have hidden them under piles of "whats the point". I brushed my hair and put mascara on which I haven't done (unless I knew I was seeing someone)for while
After a wonderfully busy day yesterday I woke up a bit jaded this morning so I am taking it veryvery slowly. I don't think it helps that my DD is teething so is refusing to sleep. I know I am feeling more anxious than yesterday because I can't find the resolve to go to the shop and buy Calpol. I am putting problems in my own way but I am trying really hard not to beat myself up about it and I am thinking about the things I achieved yesterday so that is helping me to deal with today. I am not shaking with fear about it though and thoughts of it haven't made me cry. BONUS!
The real joyous thing is that I had a good day yesterday and I have not had a good day like that in about 10months so I have a positive reference point. But I have got myself and my DD dressed (DS is refusing to wear clothes today, it happens sometimes. Going to the shops will be interesting.)
My mantra to myself is something the Dr said, she said it might get worse before it gets better but I do really feel they are helping.

Mummybus Have you looked at MoodGYM? It is a really good intro. to CBT and if you (I know I am) are self-critical then it can really help with acknowledging thought process'. Also it can help you realise which thoughts are your illness. It has helped me acknowledge my own achievements (one of which I have decided is keeping 2 children alive, that is the biggest achievement ever.) We need to lead by example. YOu also need to have the energy to feel good about yourself. You need to have the energy to do it initially until it becomes 2nd nature and it will xx

oh and the anti-d's haven't turned me into a zombie. If anything they have switched me on and calmed the over active negative parts of my brain. For this I am grateful.

Hi tweedle,

So good to read your positive posts, even though you are having an off day today it all sounds like its going well

I hope you can make it out to the shops today for the calpol!

X x

I was even more brave and knocked on my neighbours door and borrowed some of them. Creating new friendships has been really hard this last year and they are really wonderful people. They have spoken to me but I have been quite sketchy and have felt very guilty about how I run in the house when I see them. They were (of course) nice and have let me borrow some.
I hope this aspect changes as I feel more confident.
My friend said "positivity breeds positivity" and it does! I am congratulating myself on things of have achieved, have had the energy to achieve and I couldn't that 2 weeks ago.

I love the control my pills gave me back. They haven't removed the bad stuff, but I feel much more able to keep my reaction to stress at a normal level instead of it escalating beyond that. Means life is just that little bit easier, so don't let other people's bad opinions stop you from trying. You can easily stop again if you don't find them useful, although do do that with a doctor and not yourself.

Keep it up, I found the side effect lessened as the effects increase.

Ah so glad tweezdlezee that you have started feeling the benefit already and on such a low dose too. I think you maybe should pace yourself a bit more. I can understand the need to do so many things that you haven't done for ages but maybe a bit steadier. Also glad you remember the GP saying "it might get worse before it gets better" but as important is to remember that you will have good days, and not so good days and bad days. Recovery is not linear and you can take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, so it is important that you remember this, and understanding this is the "nature of the beast" in recovery from depression and anxiety.

It is sheer joy isn't it when the good days come, when even going to the council tip is a treat (well it has been for me!)

So I would go so far as to say today has been hard! It crept up on me this afternoon. A feeling of boredom, followed by lonliness then irritation. Then every shouting/whining noise made my head want to explode. I just about managed to eat tea whilst having chilli thrown at me by DS, spooning chilli into DD mouth and dodging flying cars. It then turned into my usual anxieties about our house. I just start getting the feeling that everything is dirty and there are creepy crawlies everywhere. Then my head starts slagging off OH about why he does nothing and that's why our house is disgusting.
I am thinking the benefit of this is that now I can definitely put these feelings down to illness. I thought they were just motherhood or being in a relationship but they are so overwhelming they make me physically shake.
I am off to have a bath and head NanaNinas advice to slow down.

Hi there, just wanted to post to say that I was in the same place as you 10 months ago. As soon as my baby boy arrived I suffered with terrifying anxiety and insommnia. I took action quickly thanks to a loving family and a great GP. I started on sertaline in Nov and was almost back to normal by Christmas. By Feb I was 100% and happier than I have ever been. I just want you to know that you will be back to the old you, or even happier, very soon. Ride this time and try not to worry too much as it won't be long now. I look back on my experience now in a positive way and it's made me appreciate my beautiful boy even more. I wake up everyday happy to be alive and you will too. Take care of yourself in the meantime xxx

Yup the cycle managed to start up there, but you managed to recognise it for what it was, which is a great first step.

Next step is to have a calming sort of mantra in reply to each of your irrational or catastrophised concerns, repeat them when you find the stress building, over the top of the faulty thinking, until it starts to become a natural habit to think calming thoughts as you begin to get stressed instead of escalating.

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs You are right. This past 5 days have helped me to have a clear enough head ao when the cycle, as you very rightly said, begins I could recognise it. I removed myself form the situation, changed my environment and relaxed enough that it did not escalate. In the past it has escalated and a day like yesterday can ruin a whole week if I let it.

It's amazing that I could not recognise it until now...what a waste of time.

Hello you sound like you are doing really well and are a lovely person as well as the ads I wonder if you might benefit from some counselling or cbt? Esp with the anxiety side of things. I have had horrible anxiety in the past and both of those helped me.

Hi girliefriend and thank you. Yeh I have been looking into CBT and I have looked at MoodGYM. It has helped a lot. I have a Dr's appt. on Tuesday so I am going to discuss referral for counselling or CBT. I understand the medication is only part of the process it just seems so hard to get a referral for talking therapies through the NHS. Which is a real shame.

How are you feeling tweedle?? X x

Hey YommyMommy thanks for asking Today I feel fine. Yesterday after taking anti-d I went out for the day without the kids and OH and went and had my haircut and wandered around in the sunshine. I was a bit apprehensive at first, I think that is because I took anti-d just before leaving the house, but I had a really lovely day.
Today myself and OH spent the morning tidying our house together. This is a real change on both of our parts and we have decided it's best and more fun to crank the radio and knuckle down together and then we can have a cake and tea at 11am to celebrate our cleaning victory. We also did a little gardening and have been in the park all afternoon.
So really it has been one of the best and most relaxed weekends we have had in ages. I have had ideas of what to do (sounds wierd but my apathy and melancholy has spilled into all aspect of my life and thoughts) and OH has appreciated my desire to do things.
Also kids are worn out so tomorrow can be a nice chilled day because today was so jam packed with stuff. Today is a good day and I have massively noticed the difference.

How you doing YommyMommy? Have you looked at the MoodGYM website I mentioned?

It's so great to hear how well you are doing tweedle! I really hope and pray AD's have the same effect for me!

I have been okay...but it's the weekend and I have no work to worry about. My weekends are jam packed to with swimming lessons with Ds's and just trying to keep them busy! Which I love

Just hate the thought of going into work tomorrow. I know the anxiety will start the minute I arrive and I will try to hols it together until home time...it's just exhausting! My DH works away from home and is back tomorrow night after a few weeks away and I just can't wait to have him home!

Please keep us up to date! X x

So to keep this going as I said I would today is day 8.
Straight up - it feels like I am going backwards (I think NanaNina mentioned it might). Yesterday evening I was a blubbering mess with the onset of a panic attack which I managed to curb. Feeling like I could not achieve anything (too fat, too miserable, too lazy) and I felt/still feel drained. I spent the morning out of the house yesterday whilst DS was at nursery. DD and I went to the Dr's and she gave me some info. on counselling services in my area. We are on a low income so I am not in a position to ay privately and an NHS service is due to contact me but I have no idea when that may happen.
My whole body ahces. This could be from walking all morning or it could be a side affect/depression symptom. I don't know anymore.

I keep milling the last 2 years around in my head. I gained 5 stone during my first pregnancy due to SPD and comfort eating and although I only gained 2stone with DD I am still 4 stone overweight. One of my main obsessive thoughts is that I look really fat and no one will know why I am so fat and I want to wear a t-shirt to tell them that it wasn't my fault.

So yeh, all in all a step-backwards in coming forwards.
Kids are in front of the telly and I am trying not to be a zombie.

Your doing so so well! ADs have their place. They have helped me so much. Only been on them for 4mths and had about 10 counselling sessions. I've been coming off them for the last 5wks and feeling very normal!

It takes time and be patient and kind to yourself. Don't listen to other people do what you need to and see it as a stepping stone to help get over the hurdle