Hello. I am 41 and have a 1 yr old DS and am married to a lovely DH. DH really pulls his weight and does his share of everything, is a wonderful father, attentive partner and DS is a joy; very well-behaved, sleeps through, good appetite, very snuggly and bright. Sounds wonderful, yes? Well, they're wonderful. I am not. Sadly, everything else is rubbish. I am so depressed, anxious, frustrated and full of self-loathing. I've been to several GPs and none have been any help, because there are so many problems, no-one, especially me, knows where to start. I don't even know why I'm writing here; perhaps just hoping someone might have some tips, advice, reassurance from their own experiences? Here's what's wrong (very long, sorry):
I have terrible health. I became seriously ill just before I graduated from uni, aged 21. I spent the next 7 yrs in and out of hospital, desperately ill, seeing specialists, etc. I was too ill to work throughout this time. After I recovered, I got another serious illness and despite it now being maintained with meds, I got ME. They think it's because my body has just been wrecked by so much illness, treatments, ops, ec. I have managed to work on and off, again fairly crappy jobs that I hated and found embarrassing, etc. I met my DH, we married, and after several years of trying, I had my DS last yr when I was 40. By then, I hadn't worked for nearly 3 yrs. Until I was 33, I'd only ever lived at home,
I was seriously ill all through my pg and was in hospital for most of it. I put on huge amounts of weight as a result (7 stone!). The birth was traumatic and went v badly wrong and I am left with severe nerve damage in my vagina, bladder and rectum and granular internal scarring. The nerve problem hurts so much that just wearing pants is agony. I am in constant pain and cannot contemplate ever having sex again. Every time I poo, I have to have a flannel handy to bite down on to stop me screaming from the pain. I have seen several specialists who tell me they can't do anything escept offer high-strength analgesics. I am also not recovered from v bad SPD, so my mobility is also limited. The bladder damage has left me mildly incontinent, so I feel very anxious away from home even for short times. I don't leak a few drops, I do a full wee without being able to stop myself.
So, I am still pretty fat, as I can't exercise and already eat a balanced diet and am breastfeeding so can't diet. I have a very severe diastasis recti and look at least 6 months pregnant. My waist measurement is 43 inches and I can only fit in maternity clothes. My waist is 4 dress sizes bigger than the rest of me. Everyone I meet presumes I'm pg, which humiliates me and makes me hate leaving the house, when I'm well enough to do so. Have had physio, but it hasn't helped one jot? I also got very bad stretchmarks, which haven't faded. I used to have a nice size 10 figure and loved fashion and now I look disgusting. I also used to have nice skin and teeth but pg gave me terrible acne, which hasn't gone off and my teeth went really yellow and my gums receded badly. I've gone from being quite attractive despite being ill, to looking really disgusting. Looking good was the only thing that used to make me feel even slightly positive about myself, as shallow as it sounds, because I might have been ill, bored, lonely, unfulfilled, penniless, etc., but people couldn't judge me negatively by looking at me. Now they can.
I don't have any friends. I have some old friends I chat to on Facebook, but they live far away. I have no-one I could meet up with for a chat. There's not much on for mums and babies in my local area and I can't drive (never well enough to learn or had enough money to spare when well). I haven't clicked with anyone round here and I seem to be miles older than everyone else. I think they find me boring. I don't have a job to go back to, I wasn't working when I got pg, I don't go out, am too ill for hobbies escept reading and MN and I can't drink because of the meds I am on for life. I have nothing to talk to them about except our children and I seem to be doing things differently from everyone I talk too (am more of a hippy type; blw, baby carrying, etc.).
I pretend that being a SAHM is everything I want, but I only say that because I know I will never be able to get a good job, ever. I am 41, with a child, have a Cv that's full of gaps and I've only done a few crappy p-t jobs over the years, and my health history makes me totally unreliable. I have an English degree and no specific training or experience in anything. Snobby as it sounds, I am from quite a posh family and am highly intelligent (1st from Oxford) and it feels humiliating and shameful to not have ever had a decent job or be able to get one in my 40s. I wouldn't know what I could do if a fairy waved a magic wand tomorrow and made me well and able to have any job in the world, anyway.
I am very anxious and full of self-hatred. I was severely bullied in primary and grammar school and raped by my first boyfriend in my teens, so I never trust anyone and always feel unlikeable, weird, boring, etc. I struggle to believe that my DS truly loves me and it's not helped by him clearly prefering DH; everyone who sees them together comments on it (tactless, I feel). I don't blame him; everyone prefers DH to me. He is lovely and easy-going and funny and I am quiet, nervous, dull and people feel awkward around my obvious physical problems and pain. I keep being a bitch to him because I am so anxious but also because he is slim, fit, good-looking, popular, has a great job he enjoys, Ds adores him, etc., and I am jealous, truth be told. I feel unworthy of him and wonder why he sticks around. I can't see what I offer to him,I look awful, we can't have sex, I have nothing interesting to say, I'm always unhappy, he has to do most of the housework because I am so ill, and rarely even cook for him.
I feel like I am constantly letting DS down. I can't run around after him and the only time he gets to do anything remotely interesting is if my parents come round or take him out, or if DH does stuff with him at the weekend. He can walk but I have to stop him from running about because I can't cope or keep him safe when he does. On the rare times when I feel well enough to do something I think might be fun for him, he looks totally bored. He doesn't tantrum or act out, he just slumps looking fed up and when I smile at him and try to engage him, he just stares coolly at me and then looks away. I want him to love me the most, I want him to like me. I thought that at least my own child would like me. I hoped that always being loving and dependable might be enough, even if I can't be fun. Perhaps he will grow to like me more in time. I cling onto that hope. He adored me when he was a tiny baby but as he's got more active and into things, I clearly frustrate him and he does the fun stuff with others, as I said. I am on the homestart list, but there's a 9 month wait in my area. I don't want to put him in nursery; I don't want others to do things for him and provide his fun and learning, I want to be able to do that. I need to have some worth, some value, even if it's just feeding my child.
There's no hope for me, is there? I look disgusting and ugly, I have no career prospects, I am in constant agony, I have problems walking, the rest of my health is shit, I have no friends, I am unlikeable, I'm so bored and unfulfilled and disappointed in me and I am failing my child, who finds me annoying. Reading all this, you might worry I am suicidal but I am quite the opposite - I am so much pain because I want to LIVE. I want to have a good life and enjoy life. Just a little bit. I want to achieve a few things and feel proud of myself. I want to look okay. I want to be happy and fun. I want my son to like me and think I'm fun and be proud of me. I want to be a lovely, sexy wife. I want to be a nice friend. I just can't see how to get there. There is no surgery, treatment, etc., I can take for any of my problems, I can't force employers to take me on, I can't make people like me. What can I do? I have just about given up on ever being happy or liking myself, I just worry now that having a crap, ill, unpopular mother will make Ds unhappy, not just in his own self, but amongst his peers when he gets older. If i have to be a failure, I don't want my son to realise it. So much would have to change for me to stop hating myself so utterly and I can't see how any of it can.
Am sorry it's so long. If you think it's boring, try being me! I don't know how anyone can help me, I guess this is just me getting it out of my system. It's even worse than I imagined, seeing it in black and white like this.