Lovely DH and DS but everything else about me and my life is shit.

[OxfordBags]

Hello. I am 41 and have a 1 yr old DS and am married to a lovely DH. DH really pulls his weight and does his share of everything, is a wonderful father, attentive partner and DS is a joy; very well-behaved, sleeps through, good appetite, very snuggly and bright. Sounds wonderful, yes? Well, they're wonderful. I am not. Sadly, everything else is rubbish. I am so depressed, anxious, frustrated and full of self-loathing. I've been to several GPs and none have been any help, because there are so many problems, no-one, especially me, knows where to start. I don't even know why I'm writing here; perhaps just hoping someone might have some tips, advice, reassurance from their own experiences? Here's what's wrong (very long, sorry):

I have terrible health. I became seriously ill just before I graduated from uni, aged 21. I spent the next 7 yrs in and out of hospital, desperately ill, seeing specialists, etc. I was too ill to work throughout this time. After I recovered, I got another serious illness and despite it now being maintained with meds, I got ME. They think it's because my body has just been wrecked by so much illness, treatments, ops, ec. I have managed to work on and off, again fairly crappy jobs that I hated and found embarrassing, etc. I met my DH, we married, and after several years of trying, I had my DS last yr when I was 40. By then, I hadn't worked for nearly 3 yrs. Until I was 33, I'd only ever lived at home,

I was seriously ill all through my pg and was in hospital for most of it. I put on huge amounts of weight as a result (7 stone!). The birth was traumatic and went v badly wrong and I am left with severe nerve damage in my vagina, bladder and rectum and granular internal scarring. The nerve problem hurts so much that just wearing pants is agony. I am in constant pain and cannot contemplate ever having sex again. Every time I poo, I have to have a flannel handy to bite down on to stop me screaming from the pain. I have seen several specialists who tell me they can't do anything escept offer high-strength analgesics. I am also not recovered from v bad SPD, so my mobility is also limited. The bladder damage has left me mildly incontinent, so I feel very anxious away from home even for short times. I don't leak a few drops, I do a full wee without being able to stop myself.

So, I am still pretty fat, as I can't exercise and already eat a balanced diet and am breastfeeding so can't diet. I have a very severe diastasis recti and look at least 6 months pregnant. My waist measurement is 43 inches and I can only fit in maternity clothes. My waist is 4 dress sizes bigger than the rest of me. Everyone I meet presumes I'm pg, which humiliates me and makes me hate leaving the house, when I'm well enough to do so. Have had physio, but it hasn't helped one jot? I also got very bad stretchmarks, which haven't faded. I used to have a nice size 10 figure and loved fashion and now I look disgusting. I also used to have nice skin and teeth but pg gave me terrible acne, which hasn't gone off and my teeth went really yellow and my gums receded badly. I've gone from being quite attractive despite being ill, to looking really disgusting. Looking good was the only thing that used to make me feel even slightly positive about myself, as shallow as it sounds, because I might have been ill, bored, lonely, unfulfilled, penniless, etc., but people couldn't judge me negatively by looking at me. Now they can.

I don't have any friends. I have some old friends I chat to on Facebook, but they live far away. I have no-one I could meet up with for a chat. There's not much on for mums and babies in my local area and I can't drive (never well enough to learn or had enough money to spare when well). I haven't clicked with anyone round here and I seem to be miles older than everyone else. I think they find me boring. I don't have a job to go back to, I wasn't working when I got pg, I don't go out, am too ill for hobbies escept reading and MN and I can't drink because of the meds I am on for life. I have nothing to talk to them about except our children and I seem to be doing things differently from everyone I talk too (am more of a hippy type; blw, baby carrying, etc.).

I pretend that being a SAHM is everything I want, but I only say that because I know I will never be able to get a good job, ever. I am 41, with a child, have a Cv that's full of gaps and I've only done a few crappy p-t jobs over the years, and my health history makes me totally unreliable. I have an English degree and no specific training or experience in anything. Snobby as it sounds, I am from quite a posh family and am highly intelligent (1st from Oxford) and it feels humiliating and shameful to not have ever had a decent job or be able to get one in my 40s. I wouldn't know what I could do if a fairy waved a magic wand tomorrow and made me well and able to have any job in the world, anyway.

I am very anxious and full of self-hatred. I was severely bullied in primary and grammar school and raped by my first boyfriend in my teens, so I never trust anyone and always feel unlikeable, weird, boring, etc. I struggle to believe that my DS truly loves me and it's not helped by him clearly prefering DH; everyone who sees them together comments on it (tactless, I feel). I don't blame him; everyone prefers DH to me. He is lovely and easy-going and funny and I am quiet, nervous, dull and people feel awkward around my obvious physical problems and pain. I keep being a bitch to him because I am so anxious but also because he is slim, fit, good-looking, popular, has a great job he enjoys, Ds adores him, etc., and I am jealous, truth be told. I feel unworthy of him and wonder why he sticks around. I can't see what I offer to him,I look awful, we can't have sex, I have nothing interesting to say, I'm always unhappy, he has to do most of the housework because I am so ill, and rarely even cook for him.

I feel like I am constantly letting DS down. I can't run around after him and the only time he gets to do anything remotely interesting is if my parents come round or take him out, or if DH does stuff with him at the weekend. He can walk but I have to stop him from running about because I can't cope or keep him safe when he does. On the rare times when I feel well enough to do something I think might be fun for him, he looks totally bored. He doesn't tantrum or act out, he just slumps looking fed up and when I smile at him and try to engage him, he just stares coolly at me and then looks away. I want him to love me the most, I want him to like me. I thought that at least my own child would like me. I hoped that always being loving and dependable might be enough, even if I can't be fun. Perhaps he will grow to like me more in time. I cling onto that hope. He adored me when he was a tiny baby but as he's got more active and into things, I clearly frustrate him and he does the fun stuff with others, as I said. I am on the homestart list, but there's a 9 month wait in my area. I don't want to put him in nursery; I don't want others to do things for him and provide his fun and learning, I want to be able to do that. I need to have some worth, some value, even if it's just feeding my child.

There's no hope for me, is there? I look disgusting and ugly, I have no career prospects, I am in constant agony, I have problems walking, the rest of my health is shit, I have no friends, I am unlikeable, I'm so bored and unfulfilled and disappointed in me and I am failing my child, who finds me annoying. Reading all this, you might worry I am suicidal but I am quite the opposite - I am so much pain because I want to LIVE. I want to have a good life and enjoy life. Just a little bit. I want to achieve a few things and feel proud of myself. I want to look okay. I want to be happy and fun. I want my son to like me and think I'm fun and be proud of me. I want to be a lovely, sexy wife. I want to be a nice friend. I just can't see how to get there. There is no surgery, treatment, etc., I can take for any of my problems, I can't force employers to take me on, I can't make people like me. What can I do? I have just about given up on ever being happy or liking myself, I just worry now that having a crap, ill, unpopular mother will make Ds unhappy, not just in his own self, but amongst his peers when he gets older. If i have to be a failure, I don't want my son to realise it. So much would have to change for me to stop hating myself so utterly and I can't see how any of it can.

Am sorry it's so long. If you think it's boring, try being me! I don't know how anyone can help me, I guess this is just me getting it out of my system. It's even worse than I imagined, seeing it in black and white like this.

Sorry, no advice but you sound so sad that I didn't want to not post. You write very well, and I think you'd be a lovely friend to have because you are intelligent and kind. I would like to think that most people would be able to see past your physical problems (and I don't believe for one minute you're as disgusting and ugly as you think you are) and get to know the person underneath, but I know that doesn't always happen.

This may sound trite, but can you think about the things you can do rather than the things you can't do? Practically, I'd get a second opinion about your bladder and vagina damage. If you're in agony every day and scared you have an accident that must be very limiting.

Remember, you DH and your DS love you.

Thank you for your reply, am amazed snyone could be bothered to plought through all that crap. I've seen several specislists and experts about the nerve damage, but there really is nothing they can do, except wait and see if it goes off. My bladder damage is getting better, so that is hopeful, but as for the vagina and anal nerve damage, it's now been recommended I just get counselling to come to terms with the fact I'll be in constant pain for the rest of my life and maybe join a support group. I don't want that, I can't accept it. Not yet, anyway. Every time I poo it hurts almost as bad as giving birth. Also, the list is nearly a year long and we can't afford to pay for private counselling.

There aren't many thing I can do. Because I've spent most of my life in and out of hospital, I've never had the time or energy to learn skills or have hobbies. I really son't do anything escept look after my DS, read or go on the internet. I just don't have the energy to do all that, never mind anything else. I feel like I am blank and empty and invisible, no worth, no value, nothing to give to society. There's nothing to like about myself. I was Head Girl at school (the teachers chose, not the children), I got straight As, I was very motivated, I value hard work and talent and achievements and I have none of those and can see no way to get them.

The things I can do, as you say, are just stuff like having a shower, changing a nappy, making some toast or whatever. It's hardly the stuff that
Novel prizes are made of. I can't take pride in being able to dress a baby or to post a letter or make a cup of tea, to think like that just makes me feel even more ashamed and hating of myself, like how fucking pathetic am I that the only worth I have is that I can lace my own shoes or something?! Sorry, I know you're only trying to help. I know it's too big for anyone to do anything about. I hope I haven't sounded rude- I don't really talk to anyone, so am not great at art of conversation.

Oh Oxford, I too don't have any great advice to give but just wanted to leave a message to say that I think you are incredible. I can't begin to imagine what it would feel like to go through what you have.

You clearly have a lot of inner strength and you really must hold on to that. I sincerely hope things can get better for you and would second everything from the post above.

Don't give up hope however much effort it takes because you have a life worth living.

You have a first from Oxford. You're a good writer and very eloquant - that's clear from your posts. You say that you read - would you be able to teach yourself another language, for example. What did you study at Oxford? Maybe you need to think about the things that interest you and start from there.

But please don't think you're of no value to society. I hope life gets better for you soon.

Thank you, AgentProvocateur, your compliments have really touched me and your suggestions are really nice, but things are too hopeless. I studied English Lit. I can speak three languages (my Mum is Danish). I can't think of anything I could do with it. I don't really feel an inclination to be a writer or journalist, it's never interested me and I don't think I'm talented enough besides. I couldn't think of what to write about even if I wanted to be an author; I don't even have decent dreams any more because my life is so dull that I just dream of going round a supermarket or being on the train or something equally uninspiring. We have no money to spare for me to study, even a small course. Obviously, I got no maternity leave and I'm not eligible for benefits due to Dh working. And I'm so tired, in so much pain that the problem is that I'm not fit to study or to actually have a job. I just feel sad precisely because there is no hope for me, for the rest of my life I will be in agony, be severely limited in what I can do by my body and health and never achieve anything, never be fulfilled. I had such high hopes for my life and now the highest ambition in my life is to nOt piss myself in public or to find a pair of non- maternity jeans I could wear or be able to play with my toddler in the park. Just being someone's mum is not enough for me, Not when I look awful, am incredibly lonely, suffer so much, have nothing for ME in my life and will never achieve anythingof any merit with my life. I just need to find a way to come to terms with being a nobody, but it's hard. I don't want my sweet DS to think me boring, shallow and empty (even though I am), feel ashamed of me or worse of all, find me a burden when he is older. It is a miracle we even had him, so he won't have any siblings to share the load of such a difficult and disappointing mother with. Oh, he'll love me, but that doesn't mean I won't ruin his life by being crap. Sorry, I do try to appear positive, am just finding it hard here, so sorry.

Thankyou too, Lozislovely. I gave up hope a long time ago, but I enjoy the positive attiudes of sweet people like yourself. Is like a breath of fresh air to imagine thinking like that :)

you sound (understandably) very depressed. have you told gp how you feel?

Don't know what to say but don't want to read and run... Sending positive thoughts out to you Oxford xx

I am so sorry you are feeling horrible. I am bigger than pre-children and I know it takes some adjustment, I feel oddly guilty about it myself, and I don't have your terrible post birth issues to deal with on top. You sound very very low. Clearly you have something as you have a lovely DH who loves you. I think you are depressed and so viewing your ds's reactions to you in a negative light which is probably affecting how you act with him. You are his Mama and he needs and loves you absolutely, please do believe that. You are doing amazingly well I think, considering how much pain you are in and how crappy it feels to not be comfortable with the way you look.
re the nerve pain- have a think about trying accupuncture, it can help with this sort of pain and is worth trying-where do you live?
You are very very hard on yourself, and although you are 41 the mentions of school and uni suggest that you are stuck in the past a bit and putting too much focus on what you "might have been" rather than looking forward- something which is hard to do when you feel low. Try and do something that makes you feel a bit happier, even pottering about the garden for 10 minutes with a cup of tea is great I find. Let go of what you think you should be and look and the rough hand you've had and how much you've been through and feel proud of yourself for your happy marriage and lovely ds. No-one lies on their deathbed wishing they'd made more of their degree, they give thanks for the loving bonds they have made, and for their children. Let go of career stuff for now, you need time to heal from the birth, you need time to adjust to motherhood and to recover, give yourself that, stop judging yourself, think of your lovely boy and play with him whenever you are able. Throw some cash at the best consultant you can for some private advice if you think that might help (usually under £200 to have a consult with someone who can then refer you back into the NHS) might ensure you really are getting all the medical help you need.
My dd is waking up so i am off to bed now but will look at the thread again tomorrow. All is not blackness and things will get better, none of this is your fault, you have just been dreadfully unlucky.

Thank you all. Oldqueenie, am on the list for NHs counselling but it will be nextyear before I see anyone, huge waiting list. I have reacted so badly to the ADs we have tried that my GP daren't prescribe anything else. She wants me to give up breastfeeding to try others but it's one of the few things that give me any pride in myself and don't want to just yet.
Hellymelly, we couldn't find £200 for a private consult, the idea of us finding it is impossible. Myparents are OAPs and PIL are awful and wouldn't help. I have tried acupuncture, 3 different practitioners and it did nothing. We wasted the tiny amount of money we could spare for things on that. I am as recovered from birth as I am going to be, my specialists say. The nerve damage will probably stay this way. When I give up breastfeeding, I can be prescribed morphine, which then creates other problems re looking after DS, but it is good to know it's a possibility. I think ifmy ME cleared, that would help,mas I would have some energy, but I've had it for over 10 yrs and is just getting worse. I feel guilty for having ds; I do see that it was selfish of someone as ill as me to have a child, but you can't stop yourself wanting children, can you? I thought it might be enough to make how meaningless the rest of my life is feel better but it's just made how awful everything about me is a hundred times worst.

I mention school and uni because those are the last times I was well and actually did snything of any worth or did things I enjoyed. I prefer to think of how I used to be an attractive, healthy young woman with great potential, rather than think of the 20 years since, filled with agony, disappointment, loneliness, horrid medical procedures and so on. We don't have a garden, we can only afford to live in a flat. It's ground floor, but still no garden. I can't potter, walking and standong for a few minutes really make me exhausted. I can't walk to the nearbypark, it's too far but not on a bus route. My parents take DS sometimes, so he doesn't miss out, i wish I was well enough to do fun things with him, but I feed him and look after him, so I might miss out on the more enjoyable aspects of motherhood, but I do well with him. My hatredof myself has gone far beyond feeling better with a cup of tea, am sorry to say,

Being a wife and mother is not enough for me, I want some worth that comes from who I am unrelated to what I represent to others. I know that I should stop wanting this as it is too late for me, but being such a failure to oneself is very hard to come to terms with.

Sorry to moan on again, everyone is so lovely, I should try to be positive, I know. Must sleep now. Thank you all again x

You have a DH and DS who clearly love you with all their hearts.

You are NOT worthless, far from it.

Your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation you are in and I expect that no-one other than you can understand what that is like.

I don't want to pry, but in terms of medical help do you feel that you have been treated fairly? You say that you've seen some specialists and that it's hard for them to know where to begin, given the multitude of suffering you have. Can you quantify what is the worst of those sufferings and re-visit those consultants that could potentially help?

I am sorry if you've feel that you've tried everything there is to try but there has to be an answer somewhere. Could an alternative GP to your current one provide a new perspective??

The only reason I suggest this is that I have a dear friend who was suffering (completely different circumstances) and was almost given a few months to live, saw no way out etc., until he had to see a locum doctor who ordered a complete re-think on his diagnosis and turned his life around.

I am not tying to lull you into false hope but wanting to offer any help and suggestions I can to make this better for you, because you deserve it.

Sorry x posted!

You have such fighting spirit Oxford, don't give up now.

Thanks, Lozislovely, good advice. I feel like I have had excellent medical help. I have complex medical needs which uNfortunately are limited in proactive treatments available. But by multiple problems, I meant all theother stuff, like the Diastasis Recti being so big that I look hugely pregnant and can't dress nicely, not having any career prospects for the future, not being ableto make friends, etc. There's no medical treatments or anti-depressants that can cure 'being a loser'.

It's that stuff that depresses me the most, not the health, which might sound odd, I know, but I have been ill and in painlonger than I was well, so I am resigned and used to it now. I just want to feel good about myself, but I look disgusting, I'm so lonely, I can't even thinkof what job I could do with so much fatigue and pain, we don't really go to classes and groups cos I am too unwell, we can't afford for me to do any courses or classes, even I could think of something I'd like to do or if I was well enough to do them.

I do not believe for a second that you look disgusting and you are definitely NOT a loser!!!!

I think it is worth exploring the ADs again. How long realistically until you think you will give up BF? I have suffered with depression for about the past 12 years and have had to try quite a few different ADs to find the one that suited. You are in a 'rut' and ADs sound like the the only way of getting you to at least 'feel' better about yourself.

I have to pop out now, but will be back on later.

There is hope and a good future for you, I and other MNers will help you get there and you yourself have taken the first step to that future by posting on here!

Your user name is totally Apt, Lozislovely! I want to breastfeed for at least another six months. I don't want to give up, as it good for my Ds and being able to do it gives me a sense of pride and value. Even if I got the right ADs, I'm still going to be lonely, unhappy, terribly ill, with no career prospects. There would be still be nothing to behappy about,or very little at least. I am sick of having to settle for being happy about only the small things about myself. I want something concrete to feel happy about that isn't to do with motherhood and there's no hopeof that. And as he gets older and more active, I'm not even going to be a good mum for much longer.

Gosh Oxford, you have so much to deal with, but you still have a lust for life - good for you! I agree with what everyone else says, but was interested in your comment about DS: He can walk but I have to stop him from running about because I can't cope or keep him safe when he does.
Do you mind me asking how old he is? Has he only just started walking? Perhaps you could toddler proof one room and let him run around it to his hearts content? You say that you are very anxious, and I know that some of my more anxious friends follow their toddlers around all the time, worrying that they're going to hurt themselves (eg by climbing on the arm of the sofa and falling off). But really, you don't need to IME. Yes, they could fall and hurt themselves, but I've never heard of a child seriously injuring themselves in the lounge. (someone's going to come along and prove me wrong now aren't they?!). This may ease his perceived resentment of you.
Also, one of my DSs' favourite things to do with me when they were younger, and now too, was for me to read to them. I think they'd have been happy to sit listening for hours on end! Especially when I put on funny voices for the characters (for some reason, when I put on a very exaggerated northern accent they think it's hilarious ). I expect that with your language talents you would be very good at this!

I realise that this is only one small area of your problems, but small steps and all that.

DS was one a few weeks ago. We live in a tiny flat, so there is no real space for him to run about in, so I have to be constantly right by him or he'll just run into everything, pull things on top of him, etc. There's only one bedroom so he sleeps with us still in his cot next to our bed, so there is no space where I could make it just for him, although it is a lovely idea. We don't have much furniture, so there's nothing we could get rid of to make more space. We're not dirt poor or anything, but we just don't have much cash and can't find another place to rent that's suitable for what we can afford in this area. He did used to love to sit and read on my knee, but is going through a phase of finding it boring and screaming,pushing the book away and throwing himself off whoever's knee it is that's reading to him. Am sure he will start enjoying it again soon, however.

Iwent to a playgroup with him and my Mum this afternoon. I can't get to them on my ownor look after him in such a big space on my own either. He kept reaching for her and throwing his arms around her and 'kissing' her, smiling, laughing, chatting away but would only push at me, frown, pout, scream and grizzle if I tried to so much as touch him and wouldn't let me cuddle him, offer him things or play with him. It's always humiliating going to new places when I look awful and am obviously mildly disabled and in visible pain, but when he clearly prefers someone else over me, then I want to die right there and then. It's so shameful that he wants to play with my mum ans give her all the affection, not me. I can't blame him, because I'd prefer her if I was a toddler, but it hurts so badly. I won't go again.

OP - so sorry you have so much to deal with at the moment. Wish I could offer some wise words!

All I can say is your DS loves you more than anything because you are his mum and always will be! It's so easy to read things into toddler behaviour: my DCs always have more fun with my DH and my Dad than with me, they are cheekier to me than to anyone else and they play up more with me than with their teachers and nursery workers. But I know they love me so much because I am their mum and I love them, and I know your DS loves you 100000% too.

FWIW my DMum has been disabled since I was a toddler. She could never run after me, kneel on the floor to play, pick me up when I was hurt. And it didn't effect my love for her one jot! She is the best mum I could ever want, and I appreciate how hard she fought to do whatever she could for me and my DSis, despite her poor health and disability.

So if you can't hold onto anything else at the moment, hold onto the fact that whatever happens, you will ALWAYS be No.1 in your DS's eyes.xxx

Oh Oxford, I think you need a friendly slap The right ADs WILL help you. They will clear the fog that has wrapped itself around you and help you think more clearly.

When I had PND my thoughts were exactly the same as yours - the feelings of worthlessness, lonely etc. I started to feel that those feeling were the 'norm' - nothing wrong with me, it was everyone else - until I found the right ADs and realised how much the depression had milked me for all it was worth.

Your son loves you. Your mum is a tonic to him as he can get away with more than he can with you - doesn't mean he loves you any less, he's being clever!!!!!!

You must think of the positives, you have a lovely son, a caring DS and a great mum.

So what if you look pregnant. I have a serious and I mean serious baggy belly. People say to me 'but you had two children close together, its to be expected ' - well in my mind it isn't. I know plenty of people who've had 2 close together and pinged back to washboard stomach!

Now this is going to sound quite outlandish and I apologise, but I just want to provoke your inner thoughts. Are you holding on continuing Bf for as long as you can because it delays actually being able to find a AD to suit you - this then adjusts those nasty chemicals and puts you in a place where you have to address all those horrible feelings you're having????

All is not lost with you Oxford, not in any way shape or form. From all your posts you have a heck of a lot going for you, even if you don't see that just yet

You have been through so much, I a lot sure what to say, there was someone on MN a few weeks ago in a similar situation, I am not sure if having someone to share stories with would help. I will have a look back on search and see if I can find them.
Is your name the location you are in? I wondered if nearby MNers could offer anything to help? Have yo considered help from home start? you do sound incredibly strong to deal so well with everything you have been through. Do you have much outside help/support? Your housing sounds quite small for our needs wondered if anyone could advise on that for you?
Keep posting here

Sorry Oxford, I realised after I posted that you'd already said how old your DS is! But I still say let him go for it, let him run around. My two have managed to reach a razor and cut themselves, climb a book case, reach the scissors and cut their own hair, jump off the new decking before we got the railings up (drop of about 10ft) and more which I can't remember now, but in the long run.... who cares? They don't remember it, it didn't do them long term, permanent damage, and it doesn't really matter. The kids I know who have ended up in hospital have done so through accidents that no-one could have predicted and so I have given up worrying (to a certain extent :)).

I'm glad you managed to get out today, but it must be heart-breaking to watch him being so loving with your mum when he's not with you. All I can say is that at that age they can be manipulative and selfish. He doesn't understand yet why you can't be as 'fun' as your mum is and so he's giving her the attention as a way of getting at you. Don't worry, as he gets older he will come to understand why you can't do so much with him, and will appreciate the effort you put into doing what you can. For example, I have my own business and most of my work is done whilst the kids are at school, but 2 or 3 times a year I have to go abroad and omg, the emotional blackmail they try and lay on me for it! But, like you, there is nothing I can do about it (I'm the main breadwinner) and so each and every time I just reply with the facts. It doesn't mean that I don't still feel bad, but there is no other way, so tough. I've found that as they get older they understand more and hopefully, with time, they might actually appreciate it too!

Have you started him on jigsaws yet? Another thing which my two liked and which doesn't involve a lot of mobility or energy.

You're doing so well considering all the shit you've had to put up with. Don't let the depression beat you now, you are a real inspiration, really you are.

OxfordB you sound you like you have been through more than anyone should ever go through and are still going through and yet you have found the strength to write all this down and still want to be feeling positive...and you say you don't feel like you have achieved much. You deserve a round of applause my girl! (cue applause)

I cannot imagine the pain, that would exhaust me in itself, so please don't be too hard on yourself for not having a wonderful job...anyone would find that impossible. It must be frustrating with your brains and education but you have done well by getting your (excellent) degree, what do you think you would like to do if circumstances were better? Please don't give up all hope,there might be things that you could do by working from home. If you like MN you could be helping people on here with all your knowledge. A good job does not have to be all about money. Do you like to do any arts/crafts? I find it very theraputic, it cheers me up and destresses me.

You sound like a fab mum and wife and I'm sure you are a great friend given the chance. I've observed that sometimes life is not very fair at handing out friends, there are some horrible people around who seem to have plenty of 'friends' or aquaintances so I don't necessary think it is a measure of success or how great you are. Look at all these villains who have masses of people making a big fuss at their funeral, I'd probably get one man and his dog turning up at mine and I think I'm a pretty decent person!

Your Ds is young and will sometimes seem to favour mum and sometimes dad, that's normal. At times my DCs alway take DHs side on everything! I'm sure your DS loves you to bits and well done with the feeding, I had to give up on that it was agony! Once you stop the feeding you may be able to cut down on your calories? I have the opposite problem and think I am horribly skinny and look more like a boy.

Don't give up hope on your health, medical technology is always improving. Are you in any support groups for your particular health problems? A member of my family has ME and I know what a struggle that is.

I hope I have helped you a bit, you have a lot more to think well of in yourself for than you realise, take care.

Meant to say too; you are SO obviously not unlikeable! Look at all the people replying to you and wanting to help. I meant it when I said you were an inspiration. I suffer from depressive 'episodes' (sorry to anyone with full blown depression but I don't know how else to describe what happens to me) and I haven't even got anything to be depressed about. I dread to think what I'd be like if I'd been through the traumas you've been through.

Thank you all so much, sorry to not reply sooner but today has been very busy. Your words have uplifted me, all of you. I have made an appointment to see my GPto talk about depression. Whether itis delayed PND or normal depression, who knows, but I don't want to feel this way. Perhaps on ADs or with counselling, I can find new ways to cope and view things and could work out a way to make things happen in my life that make me feel better about myself.

Oh well done! Please let us know how you get on.