Im halfway there anyway.
Posted previously about throwing out DH and his Nan after practically begging him to ask her not to come because I think I have PND and I don't know her and just felt I couldn't cope. I also have a lot of other stuff on, having a breast lump investigated amongst other things. His family have treated me like shit before and he let them.
Yesterday was trying to talk to DH. He is pretty good in general and helps out a lot but he has been violent to me before and although it was years ago I fear he will do it again. He hates me talking about it and doesn't talk about anything or his feelings at all. I brought up the fact that not only was he away working when his nan was here but he wanted to attend a work social that he said he couldn't avoid. I said I feel angry because I felt this was selfish of him and he could have avoided it. He said 'well, what if I wanted to go?'
Anyway, the conversation carried on for a bit then he went to bed. This always happens and nothing gets resolved. This morning he wanted to just pretend nothing had happened and go out for lunch. I refused.
It's all culminated in him yet again saying how awful it is being with me and how he cant stand it etc. I told him if that was the case to leave and take his things. He just left. I packed his things in bin bags and told him to collect them. He did.
Anyway, I have drunk a bottle of wine and now vodka too. I just want to drink and forget about it all. My husband has come back to look after the baby ( and has also just walked in and taken my vodka away) but I really just can't cope and don't know what to do. I have never ever drunk like this before and I feel ashamed, but I have self harmed and also taken pills before. I am trying to avoid this by drinking but I suppose this is just another form of self harm.
I don't know where to go from here. I feel a strong need to stay in control and doctors never take me seriously. Medication hasn't helped in the past ( I have a strong history of depression) and I am extremely good at putting on a brave face.
I am also breastfeeding and now my baby will need formula, which I feel shit about. I am just a failure all round and a shit person.