To just drink myself into oblivion

[Rescuemerescueme]

Im halfway there anyway.

Posted previously about throwing out DH and his Nan after practically begging him to ask her not to come because I think I have PND and I don't know her and just felt I couldn't cope. I also have a lot of other stuff on, having a breast lump investigated amongst other things. His family have treated me like shit before and he let them.

Yesterday was trying to talk to DH. He is pretty good in general and helps out a lot but he has been violent to me before and although it was years ago I fear he will do it again. He hates me talking about it and doesn't talk about anything or his feelings at all. I brought up the fact that not only was he away working when his nan was here but he wanted to attend a work social that he said he couldn't avoid. I said I feel angry because I felt this was selfish of him and he could have avoided it. He said 'well, what if I wanted to go?'

Anyway, the conversation carried on for a bit then he went to bed. This always happens and nothing gets resolved. This morning he wanted to just pretend nothing had happened and go out for lunch. I refused.

It's all culminated in him yet again saying how awful it is being with me and how he cant stand it etc. I told him if that was the case to leave and take his things. He just left. I packed his things in bin bags and told him to collect them. He did.

Anyway, I have drunk a bottle of wine and now vodka too. I just want to drink and forget about it all. My husband has come back to look after the baby ( and has also just walked in and taken my vodka away) but I really just can't cope and don't know what to do. I have never ever drunk like this before and I feel ashamed, but I have self harmed and also taken pills before. I am trying to avoid this by drinking but I suppose this is just another form of self harm.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel a strong need to stay in control and doctors never take me seriously. Medication hasn't helped in the past ( I have a strong history of depression) and I am extremely good at putting on a brave face.

I am also breastfeeding and now my baby will need formula, which I feel shit about. I am just a failure all round and a shit person.

just checking - you're not planning to co sleep tonihgt though are oyu?

Nooo to cosleeping when I've had anything to drink. I'm assuming DH will take care of the DC. I'm shut in the bedroom.

I think on the scale of things the doctors think my mental health problems are mild. I attended a day unit once and the other patients thought I was staff. It was clear their problems are huge compared to mine, yet I feel at rock bottom.

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain.

It also sounds that the pain is caused by your husband and his family and their refusal to treat you properly.

You are going to have to rescue yourself, and the first thing to do towards that is to put the bottle down. You did the right thing putting your husband's things in bin bags. Follow it through. You don't need to be helpless and in a state, there is another choice about how to be.

The medical profession isn't always that much use at treating mental health difficulties and distress. In fact they are worse than useless in a lot of cases.

What if rather than drinking you let yourself have a good cry about how hard things are for you and how difficult you're finding it. That would be a better way to deal with this crisis.

What do you mean you ate shut in the bedroom.

I hope you have not been imprisoned in your own home

No, not imprisoned. Just in here with the door shut.

Hope you're OK rescueme.

Thankyou. I'm not ok but I'm sure I will be eventually. Xx

Have you had enough to drink for today? Could you try to sleep it off? Hope you will be okay. Sometimes we all need to get wasted and then start again. Every day is a new day.

Good luck rescueme, take care of yourself, don't obliterate yourself.

You deserve better treatment that what you've been receiving from your husband and his family.

Oh dear... I feel horrendous. Been sick and stil very pissed. Husband has gone but I've rung him and told him he needs to come back and look after baby. He actually asked how he was meant to get on with his life. Going by past behaviour I'm sure I'm affecting his porn time.

I fucking hate him for doing this to me.

Drink some water, and have something sugary. Don't forget tomorrow when you feel even more down that alcohol is a depressant.... hope you are ok

it would be the nail in the relationship.

you need to sober up and quick, have a hot shower, have some food and loads of water.

Is there anybody else who can come and help you?

Is your husband on his way back to your house? Because if he isn't you really need to call someone to come and look after your poor baby. How often do you drink like this?

There's no one. I've had some toast and water. No way I can shower. He says he'll come back later. I don't know. I just can't believe I've let him do this to me. I wish I had t drank anything.

Velma, I never drink at all really. Maybe a glass at social occasions.

The baby is asleep. She should be for a while. He gave her the last of the expressed milk. He'll come back if she wakes up, I'm sure. He knows I can't look after her.

To be fair it's you who has drunk the alcohol, he hasn't forced you to do it, but there's no point agonising over how you got here, but concentrating on where you go from where you are now IYSWIM.

You need to make a list of action points, and put some positive upbeat music on - I've been where you are, sort of, without a child though, with my XH.

So action plan

1. Sort some care out for DC until you sober up
2. Make GP appointment
3. Make an appointment to deal with your relationship - relate, stay with family/friends - something

etc.... and give yourself dates to do them by within the week.

Making an action plan will help you feel better. Honest.

Thanks. I know it's me who decided to drink. I feel even worse for doing it thh.

There's no where for me to go. I'm hundreds of miles from my family. None of them have room for me to stay. I doubt I'll get to the docs tomorrow, but I'll try on Tuesday. I can't really think about the future, it seems so bleak.

Really really write down what to do... please.... it will help, and don't bloody beat yourself up for drinking cos it's done now :)

Write down that you WILL phone the GP by 10am tomorrow to make an appointment to get some help for your depression.

You don't have to go anywhere, it was just a suggestion. How about contacting your HV to see if SureStart is available.

I've been suicidal, and scared of a partner's violence, so I sort of know a bit of where you are coming from.

Put some good music on, make a list.

Go on, get some paper and write it down!

Oh and include going for a walk rain or shine with the baby every day this week as well :)

Oh and I've also got PND at the minute, - a walk everyday is what keeps me going, even when I'm down in the depths it helps

dont beat yourself up, yes you made a bad judgement about getting drunk but you are suffering from PND.

I have been there myself and i wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

my husband made the appoinment and took alot of shit from me and supported me until my recovery and behond. He made sure i took my tablets at my worse i was on 60mg Citalopram. If it wasn't for him god knows where i would be today.

i am now on 20mg, my reviews is soon and will be going down to 10mg.

it does get better

How are you doing today rm? being kind to yourself I hope, having a cup of tea and making plans for the future? Do you think you could have a discussion with your H about splitting?

Hope you feel a bit better today.

Have you rung the doctors yet? - Yes I will nag!