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Mental health

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Original poster

Wanting baby no.3 but DH says no.........

31 replies

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:23

feel so low about this. wanted it for over a yr, but DH keeps putting it off. now says poss in a few months, but i dont see the diff a few months would make. have 2 boys of 11mth and 22mth whom we adore and i was told i poss would not be able to conceive naturally, so we have been blessed, but i just want to add to it. he says he is scared though. any advice?

thanks

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RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:26

Going to ask the DREADED question here (forgive me) ...Is it that you secretly want a girl?

For me it was, but I would NEVER have said so... (on MN you can tell us the truth though! )

Here's the crunch... I ended up with twins third time round.. so did a friend of mine after her two boys, another friend ended up with 4 boys before stopping, and another did get the girl...

What is it for you??

expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 14:29

My cousin wanted a boy after 2 girls. She gave birth in September to twins . . . girls.

She had herself sterilised during the C-section.

Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:32

would love twins, wouldnt mind a girl but equally wouldnt mind a boy. (only like a girl to pi$$ the MIL off!!)

my need is almost to prove to myself that i can have a healthy baby. they were both fine but in scbu for a few days which really messed my head up. i had to be induced at 36wks both times as i had Grp B strep and my waters were leaking and 2nd time coz i had obstetric cholestasis.

i have this vision of loads of kids playing in the garden etc.......silly i know.

with every month my fertility diminishes (i have endo) and i jsut want to get on and try. wanted this since ds2 was born 11.5mths ago.

i would so love twins!!! LOL dont think my H would approve!

these thoughts are jsut 'all' consuming.

it is putting our relationship under stress but i know it would be fine if he would just say yep. his only worry is fear of not bonding as he didnt very well with ds2. however i felt like that with ds1 and totally diff with ds2 when he was born so i know these things can be overcome.

did you have twin girs by any chance!!!

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Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:33

i would be happy to agree to sterilisation after baby3 was born. he said he will get the snip which is fine.

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expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 14:39

I think that, in any marriage, BOTH parties needs and desires need to be respected. Personally, I'd feel REALLY put out if my husband started to nag me for another baby when I had one that was 11 months old. I have my reasons for only having two, and they are very valid and important reasons to me.

This could be true for your husband as well.

In our case, we both only want two.

It's well worth it, as your marriage is valuable, to see a couples counsellor or sit down and talk together, even draw up a pros and cons list, rationally about having another baby.

Having a baby to prove something to oneself. Well, babies don't stay babies. Your DH - and your doctors - could also have some very valid concerns regarding your health, considering your prior complications.

RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:39

No actually, I had one of each - I always say I got a girl + a bonus prize in my 3rd son... (he was the twin who nearly didn't make it so the drama in the early days just made him extra special rather than just being an extra if you get what I mean!)

Put a huge strain of my my relationship with ex dh though as, like you it was my dream to have lots of kids and he just saw it as a worry to support us all.

(Not saying it'll happen to you, but he felt surlus to requirements when I had more babies to care for and had an affair just after they were born. Eventually culminated in him leaving when the twins were 1 and boys were 3 & 5 - so it didn't turn out to be quite the dream I'd anticipated)

So I did a four year stint as a single mum for 4 little ones! Hard work.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:43

Although it's been a tough journey - wouldn't change anything now though! My ex wasn't man anough to handle the responsibilty, whereas I'm now remarried and finally have the family I always dreamed of (although for years I'd never have believed it possible anyone would want me with four kids in tow!)

RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:44

Expat's advice is very good by the way...

Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:49

RW, WOW, you must have been very 'together' to have managed that. well done you. not sure i could. i know it could put a huge strain on the relationship, but i just dont think it will and think we have been through the worst......what with an 11mth age gap between the boys

EPIS, I totally appreciate what you are saying . i jsut dont feel 'complete' and that my time is finished with having babies iyswim.

i did have v stressful preganancies and ds1 birth was very traumatic (him rushed to scbu, me rushed to theatre and given GA so they could stop the heamoraging) didnt receive any extra support for that from anyone.

even when i was adamant i had PND before comnig back to work no-one listened.

someone please help me get my head round all this........

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RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:50

On the subject of sterilisation - my ex talked me into being sterilised when the twins were 13 weeks old as he was scared we'd conceive again but also scared to go for a vasec.

I agreed. (He'd already started the afair by this time, little did I realise).

My new dh would dearly have loved a baby of his own but it didn't change his decision to marry me and accept me as I am. I can't conceive and the sad irony is my ex is free to do it all again with his new wife.

Lots of bitternes there which may have been ironed out had we been to counselling after the boys.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 14:52

Truly some counselling might be for you. You can't force someone to have a baby, and even if you could, it's not something you'd probably want to do and would likely cause a lot of unhappiness for all concerned.

A professional can honestly help you - the two of you as well - sort things out so you both can make a decision you're happy with.

Please talk to your doctor before having another one, too. There could be some serious health issues facing you in a third pregnancy that need to be considered - remember, any pregnancy will now affect not just you but your existing family.

Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:54

RW, cant sterilisation be reversesd if you wanted to. your ex doesnt sound v supportive at all. glad you have met your DH. as you said to take on 4kids means he must totally and utterly adore you....

i am jsut so desperate to have another baby.

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RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:54

All I feel the need to share with you Carly is that in my particular case, another baby did not serve well as an elastoplast on my unhappiness. The marriage was already not strong but I was in denial for a long time.

Talking things through with a counsellor would help you to make AN INFORMED DECISION as a couple and talk through the trauma/PND etc.

Would be sensible.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 14:55

I agree, RW, sterilisation is like abortion, it needs to be ENTIRELY one's own decision. DH does not want to father any more kids. Ever. He looks after ours during the day, and this has factored in his decision. His father had one and is pleased w/his decision.

I don't want anymore, but if he hadn't wanted more, I'd have myself sterilised b/c, at nearly 35, I feel ready to move on from having babies, have career goals I have waited my entire adult life to pursue, and do not take pregnancy well.

RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 14:56

I've been told by GP that a reversal doesn't give good odds so IVF would be more sensible as I'm nearly 40. We've since decided against trying and are happy with the family we have.

Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:56

i have spoken to a midwife who said there are no guarantess, but statistically i willb e more likey to get GBS (which i didnt get with the 2nd one) that getting OC again. i had severe spd, but am so so prepared to so it all again to make our family complete. (my pelvis is fine now)

i dont want to 'force' him but i o want him to see my reasons. i see his but i jsut dont understand.

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Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 14:58

you guys sound so sorted. my head is so messed up from this. i jsut want another baby. but i knwo the argueing is not getting us anywhere as a couple. i want him to be as excited as me. what diff will 2/3/4mths make?

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expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 14:59

Sterilisation is and should be regarded as permanent. Any doctor who informs a patient otherwise is doing a VAST disservice to him/her.

It cannot always be successfully reversed, that's why it should be entered into with the complete knowledge that it is permament.

Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 15:01

i have never looked into sterilisation so wasnt sure. due to my endo me having a hyst was recommended 3 yrs ago. i decided to wait and see if i could have kids. lucikily i did wait!

i just want another one. i want to go hoem to bed a cry to be honest. cant face carrying on as normal when i get in tongiht.

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expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 15:01

Honestly, please see a counsellor. You're in a state in which it may be difficult if not impossible to reach a rational decision. This could be what is putting your spouse off.

As for SPD, HE may need to do a lot of parenting whilst you are incapicitated with it. This may be another concern he has, also just as valid.

When your head is 'messed up' is definitely not hte optimal time to be contemplated TTC.

RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 15:03

Yes Expat - to me it was viewed as permanent at the time. It was the right decision for us as a couple at that time. Little did I realise though what was just around the corner. Had I known I'd have pressed more for him to go for a vasectomy.

With hindsight (a wonderful thing) having unplanned twins was the breaking point for our relationship.

RainbowWalker · 02/11/2005 15:05

Carly - It is prob out of concern for you and your health that your dh is nervous. Understandable.

Agree with Expat, now isn't the time to make such life-changing decisions based purely on emotion.

A few months won't hurt to let your own hormones balance out a bit either...

Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 15:06

i know that i am not being totally rational as what diff does a few months make, but i just feel this is what he has done before and moved the goal posts. and what diff does a few motnhs make either way.

he works 7.30-7.30 ervery day, so i still done the parenting of DS1 when DH was at worka dn DS1 was in bed by the time he got home.

i know he got up most weekends with DS1 as my pelvis was so sore and it was nice to have a lay in for an hour. but i tell him now to lay in and he wont.

i get up at 5/5.30am, go to work in londod from 7-4.45pm, home at 6pm, bath boys etc, tidy, cook, shoppping, cook their food for the next day, (everything a normal mum does).

he gets up with the boys from 6.30ish to 7.30 does their break, the nanny arrives, he goes to worka and then i collect him fromt he station with boys at 7.30/7.45pm. he puts them to bed and i make dinner etc.

i do most of it so it wont affect his normal day at all........

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Original poster

CarlyP · 02/11/2005 15:09

sorry i meant to put ds2 as well as ds1, what i meant was when i was preg with ds2 i was still main carer for ds1!!!

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