I’m broken or nearly

[getmeadrinkor12]

I will try to be brief. I’m 4 hours away from 6 elderly relatives all in various stages of need. My parents and their siblings/spouses. There are 2 others of my generation nearer but they have Very Important careers which I used to have too but now semi retired, but the work I do have is full of stress and deadlines. My own health isn’t great. I do everything I can from a distance, admin, arranging deliveries and so on and we phone all the time. Elderly relatives all comfortably off so pay for whatever help they can. But…I’m under increasing pressure to be there, take them to appointments, sort stuff out. How do you balance it all? How do you set boundaries? I feel broken already and it’s not even that bad yet in terms of their health and needs.

You cannot take on 6! Do your aunts uncles have their own dc?

Honestly, don’t start doing stuff you are not prepared to carry on with long term. You are much too far away for being appointment chaperone. Taxi there and back. You have to protect your boundaries now or you will be sucked in to full time carers position before you know it! You are helping them create an illusion of independence, which is fine up to a point but I really would decide now what you are prepared to do and stick with it. Use that 4hr gap to your advantage! Or move your parents closer and leave your aunts and uncles to your cousins?

I think not taking them to appointments is the first, clearest and most easily defined boundary. And is definitely a ludicrous ask on their part given location.

This!!!!!
They can get taxis.

I wouldn’t be able to ask for a lift (under those circumstances) without going red.

Just because you’re semi retired, it doesn’t mean that you have to make up for it by tying yourself in knots.
Unless there are cognitive issues, there must be some admin things that they can do by themselves??

My poor sil was run ragged by doing all of this for her dad. It’s especially hard because my mil is as sharp as a tack, and can use the internet, make phone calls, send emails, etc.
But she left it all to my poor sil.

She’s a shell of the woman she used to be.
Don’t let your situation turn out the same way.

Set boundaries op - you need to be clear you are too far away, you have work to do, they have money to pay, eg for taxis. Do not start things that mean they will assume you will keep doing them, and more besides. Say no. Keep saying no. Agree times that suit You to visit, or take phone calls. Do this now, or you will be burnt out and broken very quickly.

Be the manager/co-ordinator, not the doer. No-one could reasonably expect you to accompany relatives who live hours away to appointments but you could book patient transport/taxis online for them, if they are unable to do that themselves. Encourage them all to do as much as possible for themselves.

Do they need a home help rather than a cleaner who can do appts as well?

This helped my nana while she lived independently

Bloody heck @getmeadrinkor12. We have three between us. DH sorts his mother; I sort mine and her husband, who fortunately still drives. They are, however becoming frailer and I have rationalised that there may come a time when I have to rent a flat close to them for a year or so.

You prioritise your parents. Their siblings will have to manage. You cannot do it all and it shouldn't be expected.

@getmeadrinkor12 feel free to come over to the cockroach cafe if you would like some warm judgement free support.

I wouldn’t be giving any lifts. I wouldn’t phone all the time. Don’t be there. Outsource the maximum to paid help.
Comfortably off ? Good grief.
The wants of those at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
You do have a choice here, you actually hold all the cards.

Why can they not take themselves to appointments?

they’re not children

Yes in if they don’t know (?) how to make online taxi/gp etc bookings, don’t do it for them, show them how easy it is.

Carers can be hired to take folk to appointments and other needs that they have

Yes but teach them to do it, not you!

Don't start what you can't continue. Tell them no to any unreasonable request and don't hack down. They'll need to figure it out. Theres loads of taxis about.

My mother who lives 70 miles away -age 86- would like me to do more for her, but she is perfectly capable of using apps etc. I was once foolish enough to drive her 6 hours to visit her sibling and then I had to drive 4 hours back to my house /not a great day.
So I said I wouldn’t do that again.
She wanted to go again so someone else drove her but couldn’t do the return journey so she tried to get me to do it -went though she know I did not want to.
I refused but showed her how to book a coach.
Now she wants to go again and I have said I won’t do that drive, so she has booked return coach travel.
Ironically she has good local friends who drive, including her boyfriend who lives on the same street but she doesn’t want to ‘bother them’ -whilst I live 2 hours away!

Just manage your boundaries. Elderly people have a real nack of pulling you in and then this becomes the norm whilst at the same time boasting to everyone they live independently with no real help from anyone.

Quite a lot of GP practices run an excellent volunteer patient transport service - I think for a token £10.for the petrol. It seems to be usually a youngish retired bloke who likes to chat , they will come and collect the elderly person,wait at the surgery/hospital with them and take them.home. My Mum is a frequent flyer on hers and has got quite pally with a couple of the regular drivers.

Yes this illusion of ‘independence’

(they sem to manage her wheelchair too, which i have admit I find quite a struggle in my car)

You cannot possibly offer a high level of support to half a dozen different people, even if you live just down the road. Decide what, if anything, you are able and willing to do, communicate your limits and don't budge.

You sound overwhelmed .
If they are all comfortbly off they need to pay for support .
You need to set boundaries otherwise you'll burn out and be unable to help them at all.

Terrific arrangement!

You learn to say 'No' OP! No one needs to be ferried to and from hospital appointments - how do you think people manage who have no family? They call a taxi. So if you don't want to do it, you get the business card of a local taxi firm and you put it on their fridge with a magnet on top. Honestly, I think some women enjoy martyring themselves. Men never seem to get themselves into this obligation bind - they just say 'No' to anything that they can't manage.