I’m broken or nearly

[getmeadrinkor12]

I will try to be brief. I’m 4 hours away from 6 elderly relatives all in various stages of need. My parents and their siblings/spouses. There are 2 others of my generation nearer but they have Very Important careers which I used to have too but now semi retired, but the work I do have is full of stress and deadlines. My own health isn’t great. I do everything I can from a distance, admin, arranging deliveries and so on and we phone all the time. Elderly relatives all comfortably off so pay for whatever help they can. But…I’m under increasing pressure to be there, take them to appointments, sort stuff out. How do you balance it all? How do you set boundaries? I feel broken already and it’s not even that bad yet in terms of their health and needs.

Am being a bit flippant, but if they are all well off, can each of them formally pay you £10k pa, so you have a combined income of £60k, you quit your job and become their professional PA/care facilitator/factotum? You then register as self employed and deal with tax.

A friend ex nurse does volunteer driving for appointments it’s more expensive than £10 but cheaper than a taxi. Outside the bigger towns taxis are surprisingly difficult to get especially for short distances as they tend to be one man bands choose their own working hours and are frequently booked for airport and school runs. No apps either you have to keep ringing round.

This.
I stand with you Op. my mil lives with me and my parents are two hours away. My DH and I both have siblings but they don’t help and don’t have much involvement with our parents.
it’s hard, because you love them and want to help but the more you say yes the more calls you will get. I’m trying to be firm and have tighter boundaries but it is stressful.

Just say no. They can get taxis, there is care services who will do appointments and take note and feed back to others who need to be aware. Its likely to get worse and more demanding before they die, so strongly encourage them all to buy in decent care.

As others have said, you need to outsource anything hands-on.

I only had my mother, never mind six relatives, but she lived a few hours away. She was self funding so I organised companion care for her (Home Instead) who took her shopping, to appointments (optician, hospital, GP, hairdresser). They also did laundry and cleaning. I did online shopping orders and her bills online.

And when she couldn't cope any longer at home, I moved her to a care home near me so I could visit regularly.

Please don't burn yourself out on this, there is no way you should be expected to do it all.

Men never seem to get themselves into this obligation bind - they just say 'No' to anything that they can't manage
Or simply don't want to do.

Yes that too! But we girls/women are socialised from birth to be helpful, kind, obliging people-pleasers and all it gets us in life is shit. So if you don't want to be stuck with the shit, have good boundaries and learn to say 'No'.

Six!
Who is the pressure coming from?
If they have money why are you being put under pressure? - they can pay for taxis and care and aids etc.

Do not be intimidated by those in Very Important Jobs - make it clear what you can and can't do so you can hopefully spend "quality time" with your relatives rather than feeling overburdened.

I am sorry you are in this position.

Please set boundaries for yourself. My sil ran herself into the ground for Mil. We rented a small flat in her town so we could support at the weekend but we had our limits and we stuck to them - sil did not. She was completely incapable of saying no. She resented her other 2 siblings for having boundaries - they helped with loads of stuff but they stuck firmly to their boundaries. Sils lack of respect for herself and her siblings has made the whole family utterly miserable. Mil never knew - no one told her that her care needs and her demands combined with sil’s inability to say no tore everyone’s lives apart. Don’t be that person - only give what you can, and respect everyone else’s right to do the same.
Your relatives need to find local paid help - they won’t like it, they won’t like the change, they prefer that you did it - you’re choice, you can say no.

That was my line of thinking too! But she is four hours away, it hardly seems a convenient arrangement.

That job would be 24/7 with no holidays, no sick leave - you couldn’t pay me enough to be that self sacrificing

Please don't wear yourself out trying to help them all - it's absolutely not possible to do everything for 6 elderly people! I would prioritise your own parents and let your partner help his own parents. If the other elderly relatives have other family members, they can step up or arrange care, lifts to appointments etc. The more you take on, the more they will sit back and let you!

Another one i hear is that they don’t want strangers in their house. They want daughter/niece/granddaughter to do it.

My mil used to wave away offers of help ‘my daughter will do that’.
I told my husband that he has to intervene to support his sister as well, and insist that he, or whoever, will be doing x, y, or z.
To give my sil a bloody break.

The OP, and so many of these women are in their prime, are it’s bloody heartbreaking to watch it being devoured by people who have already had theirs.

Not necessarily, but as I say, it doesn't work due to the distance.

Wow thank you all so much. This is all an incredible help ❤️

You have to put your own needs first and learn to say no.

I find it so upsetting that society and too many elderly people automatically just expect women (because it is almost always women) to suddenly become unpaid nurses, maids and drivers for them, ignoring the individual's own wishes, circumstances (work, locations, kids) and health issues.

You have to make it clear that you cannot provide the support expected and stick to your boundaries.

Make it clear to them that they will need to involve professional carers and/or consider whether they can realistically continue to live 'independently' if the only way for them to stay in their home is to ruin your health and life...

The sooner women stop with this type of martyrdom government and society will then be forced to fund and managed social care properly.

You can't take on all this.

You will make yourself ill 😒

The ‘pressure’ is quite subtle, ‘I wonder if you could possibly….’ and they accept it if I say no. My generation are all women except one cousin who lives abroad and he also does what he can from a distance. So not really an element of sons not doing their bit. One aunt is unmarried and childless. I feel pressure especially from my other high flyer cousin, I think she infers I could do more but DH says I imagine this.

Your own parents maybe but a raft of aunts and uncles too???

You absolutely need to say NO - but also, you need to judge when intervention will prevent you getting embroiled in a bigger crisis.

Eg appointments - being their taxi absolutely not. But if it's a consultation listening in remotely or getting hold of what was said/advised may be well worth the effort so you can make sure the truth is told/new meds are taken correctly.

It was easier for DH to sort MIL's car insurance than to discover she is uninsured/had bought two insurance policies/had bought business insurance etc.

No. The word you need is NO. You make your decision on what is reasonable (lifts from 4 hrs away are definitely not reasonable) then stick to your guns. If that means one or all need to go into care, so be it. You will destroy your own health like this.
Personally I would stick to supporting my parents only and drop anyone else. I'd give them 1 month notice and say after that you can't help them. Use that month to help them seek out an alternative solution for any request they make. It is not clear if your parents are together or married to different spouses but I would stick to my own mother and father only and not their spouses if relevant. Definitely no other relatives. Even 2 is a significant load, particularly at a distance. Decide how often you see them (maybe 1 x month?) and visit to socialise and check up on them. Not to clean their house from top to bottom and cook 1 month's worth of food prep. If they can't manage, help your parents to find carers or a good care facility - near to you if appropriate.

Stop, take a step back and then contact the support care companies that do accompanied visits, shopping, pop ins, organising and make the links. You will implode otherwise.

I use the phrase “ do you think that as you’re struggling to remain independent it’s time you looked at some care / in home help ?”

It sounds harsh but it’s amazing how they can suddenly help themselves .
My DP can manage endless amounts of the stuff they want to do ( booking holidays , theatre trips, days out , hosting dinner parties etc ) but will always look for people to do the tasks that they don’t want to undertake like facilitating the shitty elements of their ever expanding gardening hobby or the DIY that is a “want” not a “need” . I always offer to facilitate finding someone to do those tasks ( on a paid basis ) but their take on it is that as I’m retired I should be doing it all - for free obviously as they don’t want to pay someone when they have children who are perfectly able to take on their never ending list of “urgent “ jobs ( no other sibling is asked as they” work so hard “).
It’s a game of ping pong that we play very regularly but I don’t / won’t give in !

Stop, OP, before your health gets affected. I managed to sleep-walk into doing far too much for three elderly relatives. I almost broke down before I realised how much I'd been carrying and how much I'd sacrificed. Some old people can be incredibly manipulative and entitled. The entitlement of the people in my life just blows my mind. I've had to pull back, and now I'm being blamed for everything because they were used to taking advantage of me. It's an awful situation to be in and I wish I'd never started. I wish I'd looked after myself from day one. Now I'm ill and none of them care, they just want me at their beck and call for their own needs.

Get out while you can and don't make my mistake.

Stop doing anything for your aunits and uncles and put very firm boundaries in place for your parents. You say they have money so they can pay for a housekeeper, driver, taxis, PA, Ubers, to pay a carer to take them to appointments etc.

All good advice from others here.
My two little bits of advice in addition are these.

Boundaries for temporary situations. "If things aren't better by x you will need to get help in". This year I got suckered in to doing lots of extra stuff because the situation was supposed to be temporary and it didn't seem worthwhile getting in paid help. The situation is clearly now not temporary at all and it is now hard to extricate myself.

Boundaries re non-family/work situations etc. Stress builds all over when being pulled this way and that by elderly relatives. I am starting to put my foot down with other people who are adding to my stress by not doing what they are supposed to or have agreed to do.

Look after yourself and say no where you need to.