When to go along with things that aren’t true

[TheLostGardensOfElrond]

Couldn’t think how to word the title but the situation is that my MIL is currently in hospital and about to move to a care home; she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years ago and it is, inevitably, progressing.
When I visited yesterday she told me that her brother, Albert*, had visited. I said oh, did he come here; she said yes, he’s only been once; I said that’s nice.

The thing is, Albert died decades ago. My husband thinks I should have said no, Barbara, Albert died.

So my 2 questions are:

• is it better to go along with something that isn’t true but imo does no harm and was something that brought her joy/comfort, or not; and
• if it’s better to play along is there a short article or podcast or similar recommended that I can direct my husband to as he doesn’t see this point of view at all but might hear it better from someone other than me!

*names changed. Also, although I do think my approach is correct, I am happy to learn from others if I’m also missing something. I wouldn’t deliberately lie - eg I wouldn’t continue on with saying Albert will probably be coming to visit again soon but nodding along seems the most kind and pragmatic approach to me

I agree with you.
Nobody gets hurt and no harm is done

I thought the best thing is to go along with it, particularly if it is about people who have died.
If you insist on telling them that the person has died they are going to feel the full grief of that death, and not remember the next time they talk about them as alive. Why would you put someone through that upset again and again?
ETA: I think your approach is right. You don’t have to mention Albert unless your relative does first.

Go along with it. It's nice for her to think that Albert visited her, its not going to be nice for her to realise he's dead.

I went along with this sort of thing. Why upset them? I just smiled and nodded to all sorts of, frankly, nonsense. She was happier that way.

It pointless correcting them. And why would you want to retraumatise her by telling her her brother had died; she’s only going to forget that it until next time someone unkindly tells her again. Basically you agree and then distract.
Get some basic literature on how to communicate with loved ones who have dementia and both of you get with the program.

Go along with it, it’s the actual advice. Have a look on the dementia websites, see if there’s an explanation there. I’ve seen posters about it, the care home will know about it.

Go along with it. Why cause distress when it'll be forgotten in a few minutes. When DSIL left DBIL (in dementia care home) she used to say she was going home and he'd get very upset. I said to tell him she was popping into the garden and they'd have a cup of tea in a minute, and she found she could leave peacefully. Is it called the butterfly method?

This was fil. I went along with it - on one occasion he said he’d bought a boat and was planning to sail with mil to Australia. He was in a nursing home and mil was dead.

Dh, otoh, hated going along with things and got upset at pretending mil was still alive. He said it was patronising and his df was not a toddler.

So I guess it’s easier as an in-law or unconnected person (eg staff) to mollify someone rather than an adult child who is distressed at the state of their parent.

Also Google “Contented Dementia”

Thanks for the validation! Tbh it seems like common sense to me, and to repeatedly correct someone, as you say, essentially leads them to re-live the grief each time.

Is there any ‘official’ advice I can point to to back me up - it’ll be not only DH taking the alternative view but I can guarantee my FIL will too

I worked in a dementia care home. Some family would insist we told their relatives the truth about people who had died. We spent a lot of our days comforting very confused and sad people, they relived the grief over and over again. It made their days sad.

So your husband wants to actively frighten and hurt her every time by correcting her ? To what end ? She’s not going to remember and get it right next time.
it feels like he’s putting wanting to ‘be right’ and feeling superior above the feelings of a vulnerable old lady and quite frankly I wouldn’t be impressed with that.

Go along with it. Correcting her is unkind and won't work anyway. It won't change what the Alzheimer's is doing.

Surely your husband can see that!

@DottysCollywobbles It’s exactly that. Linked, I think, to finding it hard to accept how her dementia is progressing.
@Fuckingfuckssake thanks, will do.

My mum has just started with dementia and we have done a lot of research into the best way to deal with thing and definitely you shouldn't remind her he has died. You deal with it just the way you did and make it as little an issue as possible. Well done. Don't remind her of things that will make her sad if she doesn't need to know. for example, if for some reason she asks if Albert is coming to visit soon, you could say something like, "Oh, remember (I know that mght seem cruel since it's a lie, but it's a kind lie) he's on holiday, he'll come next week" and she'll probably reply with "Oh yes, of course!" and be happy and not stress that she has been forgotten by Albert. You don't even have to include the "remember" bit if you feel uncomfortable, but it can help as they think, oh of course, I knew that... even though they don't, it makes them feel part of the conversation.

Go along with them, join them in their world and give whatever comfort you can to them there.

I’m struggling to see what benefit your husband thinks there is in saying “no Albert died” rather than just “oh that’s nice”. Does he think that allowing her to live in a world that isn’t real will worsen her decline? Is he slightly in denial about her condition?

Always go along with it, that’s the recommended advice. Imagine constantly being told your relatives have died, or being told you are wrong, over and over. Going along with what she says makes her more comfortable, and really, does it matter if she’s wrong? If you/he finds it difficult just swerve the conversation into something else.

A recent conversation I had:
Them - Aren’t you supposed to be at school now? (I’m 50!)
Me - Not today, and I wanted to visit you today. Did you have anything nice for lunch?
Them - fish and chips today (I know this is not true)
Me - oh lovely, I love fish and chips

Early on in my mum's dementia I referred to a relative that had died and my mum reacted with shock as, to her, she was hearing the news for the first time. I felt bad as though I had been cruel to her. From then on when she asked about people who had died I would say something like 'I've not seen them today' which meant I didn't have to lie. That approach sat better with me.

I have learned to go along with things my Dad says relating to people. It is nice to know he is remembering people and naming them as couples etc even though most of them are long dead. If anything it gives him control of the conversation as he says things like ‘ I went to see Bob and Mary on Tuesday’ ( both dead) so I then say ‘oh how lovely Dad how are they and how did you get there’. He then usually says something like ’oh they are ok and I got the number 19 bus from X’ . For me it means he is thinking about nice times in his head so a relief from the reality of anything unpleasant.

My Dad also talks a lot about work and meetings he has to go to. Even though he has been retired for nearly 30 years. Lots of talk about meeting union reps - which he did.

However you must do what feels right for you.

I'm pretty sure the recommended approach is to validate their reality not argue with it. Feelings matter more than facts.
If you insist on telling her Albert is dead you'll have to break the bad news every time you speak to her.

No point correcting her. It could cause distress, confusion or embarrassment for her and wont make a difference anyway because she won’t remember being corrected. I know it’s hard going along with confabulations and making conversation with someone who suffers with dementia though. It’s a shitty situation for everyone concerned

Alzheimer’s website says-
As dementia progresses, a person loses more of their
memories. This can change how they experience
what’s going on around them and can cause confusion.
For example, someone might talk about wanting to see
a family member who died a long time ago, or they may
think they need to go to work.
Instead of trying to correct the person, think about their
needs or feelings. For example, if they are talking about
needing to ‘go home’, they may be feeling uncomfortable
or distressed. Reassure them that they are safe, and try to
work out what would help them feel more comfortable.

Alzheimer’s .org.uk website-
They have loads of guides, you’d have to browse a bit. You’d be looking for ones on memory and communication. Each leaflet contains links to others so it’s fairly easy to find useful information.

I think your approach is right; why cause unnecessary upset time and time again?

Yes, it’s more that I think he (and FIL) are in denial. DH obviously doesn’t want to actively upset his mum. He ‘gets it’ when I explain how distressing it would be to correct MIL but that’s different to playing along in the moment.

I guess it’s coming to understand the new reality and navigating the change. Yesterday MIL didn’t recognise me at first and when I explained who I was she said don’t tell DH I didn’t recognise you. She then recalled the names of her grandchildren so she’s still at the stage where she knows she can’t remember some things iyswim

@MellowSubmarine ‘Join them in their world’ - I like that

@Julynian that’s exactly the sort of conversation I have 🙂

thank you to everyone, I think the care home will really help with this as well. I might tip them off about FIL in particular so they can keep an ear out; they can leave DH to me 😉

ETA: I’m not as unsympathetic as this makes me sound; I do know it’s hard for DH so will approach kindly (but clearly)