When to go along with things that aren’t true

[TheLostGardensOfElrond]

Couldn’t think how to word the title but the situation is that my MIL is currently in hospital and about to move to a care home; she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years ago and it is, inevitably, progressing.
When I visited yesterday she told me that her brother, Albert*, had visited. I said oh, did he come here; she said yes, he’s only been once; I said that’s nice.

The thing is, Albert died decades ago. My husband thinks I should have said no, Barbara, Albert died.

So my 2 questions are:

• is it better to go along with something that isn’t true but imo does no harm and was something that brought her joy/comfort, or not; and
• if it’s better to play along is there a short article or podcast or similar recommended that I can direct my husband to as he doesn’t see this point of view at all but might hear it better from someone other than me!

*names changed. Also, although I do think my approach is correct, I am happy to learn from others if I’m also missing something. I wouldn’t deliberately lie - eg I wouldn’t continue on with saying Albert will probably be coming to visit again soon but nodding along seems the most kind and pragmatic approach to me

@Betterbeingdead what an interesting anecdote. My ILs are very religious, I wonder if that’s an underlying reason for FIL’s uncompromising approach

My dad used to say really odd stuff: that he’d been on a helicopter ride or he’d met the prime minister. We eventually worked out that he would see something on TV and then think that it had happened to him.

I hope it was things that made him happy thinking he had done them. That's a great life!

You can't argue or use logic with someone with dementia. And she may be having hallucinations and to her he really did come see her. It's a common phenomenon in hospice patients as well. Your hubby is wrong. Best to just say Oh really? That's lovely.

It's not always for benign reasons like those given, my mother rewrote family history to suit her and there was hell to pay if you didn't go along with it- she was a great mother, always treated us equally and we had an idyllic childhood in which we wanted for nothing etc, etc -the reality was very different.

I can’t find the person I was talking about upthread @TheLostGardensOfElrond. So annoying.

The relationship was so lovely. The young woman’s Mum had died and the Grandmother couldn’t remember. The young woman took her some of her Mum’s old clothes and the grandmother kept asking if she was sure her Mum wouldn’t mind and she just kept saying, no, she’s got so many clothes, she thinks you will look beautiful in them. So sweet but so upsetting.

Please just go along with it, to try and make her see truth will only lead to distress for her, and every time she is told her brother has died she will experience grief again, however briefly. No amount of telling her he has died will ever make her remember, her brain no longer has the capacity. There are certain forms of dementia that may give occasional very brief periods of lucidity, but this is rare.

Yes, going along with it is the best and kindest approach.
My FiL used to imagine all sorts of things, eg that he was watching the cricket in his hospital ward (there was no tv) and we used to say things along the lines of “is it a good match” to which he might reply, yes or no and then we’d move onto something else; or that his bike leaning against the ward wall (it wasn’t of course), needed its tyre pumping up, so we’d say “does it?”. There was absolutely no point in correcting him by saying there was no tv or bike there, adding to his confusion and causing unnecessary distress.

I'm glad DH has come around.

For what it's worth, when my mum had dementia and was in a care home, my dad's approach when she said something impossible had happened was not to confirm or deny it, but to ask a friendly question about it. The conversation might go something like this...

Mum - I went shopping in Birmingham yesterday.

Dad - Oh really, what did you buy?

Mum - do you know, I can't really remember, but I had a good time.

Agree with everyone that you can accept their reality without entering into it. Just non committal and move on.

We did have quite a long period though with MIL when she would really upset FIL by talking about his family members who he was still mourning. Asking when they would be coming round. She also used to accuse people of preventing her mum visiting or get distressed because she thought people werre hiding her mum had died ( she was there when it happened but she time travelled so much at that stage she was really confused and distressed)

That was hard but over time she has progressed to really only thinking about her own blood relatives and he has moved forward with learning to deal with it, as you DH and FIL undoubtedly will.

At the stage you are now I used to try and take one for the team by distracting her into a long rambling story and letting them escape. If " oh you were going to tell me about when you all went to Bangor" would get her rambling then she was happy and they didnt have to deal with it for a bit!

It's established advice to go along with it, going against them for you to be correct just causes unnecessary confusion and distress.
Just say oh that's nice , bit rainy today tho etc

I just went along with it. I was the only living relative but all our relatives (some who had died before I was born) would apparently visit her every week. It brought her comfort to believe that, and telling her they’d passed away wouldn’t have made any long term difference because she’d just forget again. I felt like the reasons for telling her would be my own - weirdness about not correcting her, guilt about lying, sadness about her condition, even a bit of upset that she’d forgotten my DM’s death - not for her own good

Been through this with my mum and currently going through with father in law. You just join them in dementia land . The only time I ever put them right is if they are really worrying about something.
My mother was convinced strangers had moved into her house. We talked it through but I never said she was talking rubbish. If they think someone who has died is still alive don’t tell them that their dad or husband has died as they will grieve over and over again.

My mum has dementia and it’s best to go along with what she says when she’s confused. Otherwise she gets upset and even more confused.

@TheLostGardensOfElrond I did a workshop where you became a dementia friend. It was held at my library - have a look locally as councils and memory clinics can also run this type of event.

The key things I remembered were to try and face the person when you are talking to them. We also discussed not challenging the person and going along with their perception. I certainly do what you are doing and just nod along, I certainly haven’t told my Mum when family or friends die. She won’t remember and it will upset her.

I did some training through my work to become a ‘Dementia Friend’. I think it was provided by the Alzheimer’s Society.
Two things that really stuck:

1. Don’t keep reminding someone a loved one has died, each time you do it’s upsetting like the first time and
2. While they may not remember what you talked about when you spend time with them, they’ll remember how you made them feel.

So even when it’s hard that’s what helps me really try not to be short or lose patience. Really difficult to do that sometimes but it helps reel me back. I would really recommend doing the course, it wasn’t long (couple of hours?) and online. It also explained how to approach and help strangers you might encounter out and about that look a bit ‘lost’.

Sorry haven't read all the replies. But I'm speaking from my own experience of having worked with and had family members with Alzheimers here. It is far better to go along with what they're saying. Repeating that someone has died isn't going to ever sink in and even though they won't remember it, you're causing temporary grief all over again each time they're told a loved one has passed away, however long ago. It's much kinder to let them have their moment of belief. There's no harm in that for me. It can also become frustrating and cause resentment in having to remind them that someone has gone.

I worked in care and I found that men have a hard time with this. Some women do too of course but I saw it so much more often in men.

I have been a religion teacher rather than the eldest grandchild, and had a happy evening with a relaxed grandmother (and a laughing Aunt, who also went along with it). (A grandmother that I was a very regular visitor for …not daily but more than weekly).

When I worked in elderly care years ago we were taught to bring the service user back to the present day.
One lovely lady had lost her fiancé in the war and every single morning asked where he was.
If we fibbed and said he’d nipped out for a paper she was happy and forgot about him five minutes later. If we said he’d died she was upset all day.
So we just fibbed. And I would do similar again.

There's a book called Contented Dementia, by Oliver James. Published a good few years ago. Available v cheaply on World of Books (worldofbooks.com). I think it's very good and addresses your questions. Well worth getting.

My mum had dementia with visual hallucinations. I was advised to just go along with everything that she thought or she thought that she was seeing. This approach is much kinder on all concerned because there is really nothing to be gained by trying to reason with someone who cannot understand and will probably become frustrated and upset. As long as she is not in any danger there is no need to correct her thinking.

I think your approach is the correct one, as you say it doesn't do any harm to anyone and saves the ill person from becoming upset. Before I realised this, when my mum asked where her husband was, I gently told her 'Oh, Mum, he died a few years ago.' She looked very scornful, snorted and said, 'No, not that one! The other one!'

You could point out to your husband that a care home near me has a 'bus stop' in the corridor because one of their patients gets ready every day to go shopping and stands waiting at the bus stop to catch the bus. She chats to everyone going past, and agrees to leave because the bus has been 'delayed' and then goes back later on. The care home goes along with the nonsense because it keeps her happy and hurts no one.

Absolutely go along with it. It serves no purpose to correct her

My nan was very close to her sister J, who died relatively young in her 50s. I don't think she ever got over her death.
She started to confuse her sister with my mum, they had the same name which didn't help, quite early on, but for the last 4 years or so she thought my mum was her sister.
Absolutely no point in 'reminding ' her J was long dead, it would only upset her again and again. Much kinder to let her think J was there with her.

I'd very much be in the camp of "that's great... tell me about him"