When to go along with things that aren’t true

[TheLostGardensOfElrond]

Couldn’t think how to word the title but the situation is that my MIL is currently in hospital and about to move to a care home; she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years ago and it is, inevitably, progressing.
When I visited yesterday she told me that her brother, Albert*, had visited. I said oh, did he come here; she said yes, he’s only been once; I said that’s nice.

The thing is, Albert died decades ago. My husband thinks I should have said no, Barbara, Albert died.

So my 2 questions are:

• is it better to go along with something that isn’t true but imo does no harm and was something that brought her joy/comfort, or not; and
• if it’s better to play along is there a short article or podcast or similar recommended that I can direct my husband to as he doesn’t see this point of view at all but might hear it better from someone other than me!

*names changed. Also, although I do think my approach is correct, I am happy to learn from others if I’m also missing something. I wouldn’t deliberately lie - eg I wouldn’t continue on with saying Albert will probably be coming to visit again soon but nodding along seems the most kind and pragmatic approach to me

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/difficult-questions-truth-telling

At least she was happy and not distressed. I remember an elderly lady (in the care home) crying to go home to her mother and “waiting at the bus stop”, it was difficult to console or redirect her.

That’s a great update about your DH OP.

That’s is so lovely and a wonderful example of compassionate care.

I was told by a professional to go along with it ,it felt wrong but kept the peace !

Our DM had Alzheimers and we took same approach as you. Why remind someone of bad news over and over to upset them....better just to go along with it 💐

I believe your approach is correct. I used to correct my mother and inevitably upset. Correcting your mother is pointless. She’s likely to get agitated and by the next time you see her again, she’ll have forgotten. My mother would say things like, “Why hasn’t Mary come to see me?” Mary had been dead for 7 years. I learned to say, “She’s been away, Ma. She’ll come as soon as she can.” My mum would accept that and move on to other things. Your mother will probably have times of being lucid, but don’t make the mistake of believing she’s back to herself. It will absolutely break your heart if you do.

I would absolutely not have corrected her. I see absolutely no reason to tell someone that someone they love dearly is actually dead repeatedly… That to me seems definitely more cruel…

For anyone currently living with the reality of dementia in the family, dont forget to look after yourself.

Dementia is a total bastard. Little by little, or sometimes in big steps it is taking your family member away.

You are allowed to grieve.

I just told my mum that her two deceased brothers were in nursing homes. (One was until he died, she'd gone to the funeral but forgotten about it.) She was surprised and said 'oh that's terrible, I'll have to go and visit him.' (Also seemingly unaware that she was sitting in a nursing home herself.) Honestly, STM is so poor with dementia that she won't remember either way, but it's unfair to make someone momentarily very distressed. Just maintain a comforting fiction and let them live within it, I'm sure that's what those who work with such people do advise.

My uncle did this for weeks and weeks when he went into a new care home, me and my mum had to stop visiting for a while, because it was too distressing for them both. My mum and her brother are only 11 months apart and they were close, and it is really a horrible disease to watch someone suffer but the family watching it is also suffering.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/lying-to-someone-with-dementia
Here's an article which you may find helpful.
I really recommend reading "Alzheimer's from the Inside Out" by Richard Taylor if you can find the time. I read it in my late teens to better understand how to care for my Nan when she asked awkward questions and I found it really interesting and useful. I couldn't pinpoint where in the book, but there is a section about navigating similar experiences as you've described.

You're definitely right.
The other thing to bear in mind is that she may remember the emotion but not the cause so if you tell her he died, she may remember being sad for days after but have no explanation and it will impact on her behaviour.

When my dad was first diagnosed with dementia I tried to help with his tax return. I needed information sent through to him so I wrote letters for him to sign. I thought he understood.
The next day he turned up being aggressive, threatening me with the police, because he remembered id asked him to sign something so was clearly defrauding him. He was really angry - the kids were only tiny too and witnessed this.
DH calmed him down - dad just wanted to attack me - and explained everything and dad toddled off home happy as anything.
The following day he remembered he was angry at me and came round being aggressive, threatening me with the police...
Emotions are retained better than facts so keeping her happy is definitely the way to go.

Yes, generally you should go along with them. That's common practice. You will only upset them, and they will forget again, so correcting them does no good at all.