Dad wants to live in my brother’s rental house. How realistic is this?

[Denimes5]

My father is currently living in my brother’s house, paying him the full government rent a room scheme amount of £625 a month.

As expected, after a short time, he’s now decided he wants Dad out in the next few weeks.

Dad uses a zimmer, has a full package of care, has a urinary catheter, wears slip pads, often doesn’t get to the toilet in time to open his bowels and so there are faecal accidents.

He gets up at night to use the toilet a couple of times and my brother has to help him.

He doesn’t seem to have much recent memory at all and yet his recent brain scan didn’t show any dementia.

My brother wants to move him into his vacant rental house and charge the full market rental value.

There is no downstairs toilet in this house and I, as POA, would be expected to put a stairlift in.

My father says my brother has shown him round and he would like to live there.

The social worker says it’s actually worth exploring the funding options for this as the council might decide to contribute.

Dad would need a live in carer with support overnight. The cost would be extortionate. Then utilities, council tax, a cleaner, food, no doubt.

I am taking Dad to see a care home tomorrow as I think it might be more realistic.

How likely is it that my Dad’s wish to live in my brother’s rental house will actually be fulfilled?

I have my reservations about my brother’s plans but as POA, I have to consider all views and options.

I’ve spoken to Dad about how quickly his own funds would run out but he forgets.

I’m finding the whole POA situation a stressful place, providing so much support without any support.

Dad was moved in to my brother’s house when he sold his own house.

He only wanted to be there temporarily while looking for his own place but they both found something wrong with everything he found.

Now it’s too late.

I thought this too. Im my Dads POA and i don't pay for equipment.

I would visit some care homes and speak to the staff there. They've seen and heard all the issues you and your brother face.

You will get all the stress of worrying about your dad and your brother's house. Which is emotional.

If your dad sold his house there's money in the bank which you would have to use. The council here don't provide live in carers. My friend tried live in carers for a couple of months. It was on a rolling rotation basis. This their mother found distressing too many strangers coming and going.

Obviously with Dad’s money. It’s just that it would be yet another thing to have to organise.

Kindly, I think you are conflating too many things.

A decision needs to be made as to whether your father is better living in a care home or living in a house/flat with carers. The temporary current situation with your brother is irrelevant because it’s not continuing. Your brother rental property is irrelevant if it doesn’t meet your father’s needs.

Separately, as LPA you need to make decisions in your father’s best interests. That doesn’t mean you need to ignore your own boundaries or knock yourself out. It’s OK to say that looking after your father the way you have been doing is unsustainable and you can’t do it any more. Nothing about LPA forces you to continue. What you do need to do is figure out what the remaining options are and choose between them for your fathers benefit.

It sounds like he really doesn't want to go in a care home? I'd try to honour that, and find out about funding. Attendance allowance would pay for a carer (but disgustingly, probably not enough). Is your brother going to help with any care? You all need to talk about how you could work it between you and the carer. Sympathies-I have that situation and it's not easy when you work and have little kids, and care for older relatives.