Things to discuss with my dad before he dies

[MyDadIsTheGreatest]

My dad is in a hospice and doesn't have long to live. What practicalities do I need to talk to him about before he dies?

He has a will, which is straightforward and uncontroversial, with my brother & me as executors & beneficiaries. His finances are all organised.

We know he wants burying, not cremating, and he already has a burial plot.

We've cancelled his newspaper deliveries and gardener and will need to do the same with the window cleaner. We have power of attorney for health & finance.

We need to talk about arrangements for the funeral service.

Anything else I should be asking him about while he still is compos mentis enough?

Ask him about pensions, bank account details, life insurance or funeral insurance he may have. Get all the paperwork together and ready. Once he passes the government has a service called tell everyone once, they will notify banks, insurance, pensions, phone contracts, council tax, TV subscriptions, internet etc that he has passed. I also recommend getting 8-10 copies of the death certificate as many places will ask for a copy.

Music for the funeral. Who to tell. Any special requests. Where he'd like his wake. Does he want to give any keepsakes to anyone?

Make sure he knows you were happy to be his child as well - the above things people have mentioned were what I came on to say, but really I worry my parent died without knowing how much I appreciated them and why. Make sure you give some time to that, too.

I'd ask him about his childhood. My father passed away last year and while going through his papers I've had a lot of questions about him and my grandparents, especially as their lives during the war were very interesting.

Oh and it would have been good if he could have explained how the overly complicated heating system works. I've got to sell his house and have no idea how to explain it to people.

Seriously though, it sounds like he is very organised so I'd focus on chatting about nice holidays, childhood etc.

My father had prepared a list of people we should contact, with their addresses which was very useful. Friends and banks, pensions etc. But the list of friends was very useful and we didn't know some of them.

Honestly, nothing. You don’t need to involve him in funeral arrangements or discuss cancelling things. Just be with him. Discuss your happy memories. Make sure he knows you love him and you are there for him. I can’t think of much worse than my family sitting around my death bed trying to be practical. That can come later. Just focus on him.

Does he own the house and will you be selling it? Maybe don't let the gardener go too quickly if so

Definitely who should be invited to the funeral, my DH’s GF passed and had been in the military prior to retiring (friends scattered all over) following the funeral there were many people who got in contact that hadn’t been informed of his passing/aware of the funeral, a list of names would have been really helpful.

Tell him you love him. Over and over and over again.

If there are any old family photos spend some time going through them with him. Ask him who the people are and write their names on the back. And places and dates if he knows them. He may soon be gone but the family history will live on.

I am very straightforward about death. I think everyone should make it their responsibility to fill in their respect form, sort of POA for finance and health, write their will and draw up their wishes for their funeral.

When DF passes away two years ago I would have been lost without my sister because I live abroad. So many systems are blocked to me because I don't have a UK phone number. My sister's partner had passed away a couple of years previously so they knew a lot of the process.

The following details about the funeral would have been good to know beforehand. We made decisions and we had a beautiful memorial service but it would have been good to know if they really were what he wanted. It would probably be inappropriate to go through all of these questions, but you could end up having strategic conversations.

Flowers: My sister and I had been part of different conversation with my DF about wanting flowers. We reckoned her convo was more recent so we had flowers.

Music: Guessing the hymns and the readings was hard. One of his grandchildren agreed to play the Ave Maria on her flute. It was lovely. I wish that he had known because he would have been so proud of her.
Were there any special photos that he wanted in the Order of Service? My mum has one put on one side. I know that is what she wants on hers.

Venue for the wake,
Where the donations would go
Who to invite to the funeral. We had this big address book and did not even know if these were people he liked!

Also you might want to say "Dad is there anyone that you would want to come and visit you while you are still strong enough?" . That seems a positive way of asking the question. We couldn't do that because DFs demise was quite short - he had COVID.

Ask if he wants to talk to a priest or minister.

Agree about ordering more death certificates than you think you will need. You are often asked for originals.

I have just asked Copilot what you do after a death in UK. The checklist was really helpful. Try it. Sit down with your brother and share out the tasks. I hope the sad time will in time be replaced with happy memories.

Does he have a phone (with photos), digital accounts (Amazon etc.) or online passwords. They can be trickier to access.

But it sounds like you have the practicalities covered. Talk to him about his life and memories. There’s so much I wished I’d been able to ask you dad.

Take care.

I think this is the most important thing of all. When my mum was dying, she didn’t care about the arrangements any more but we just wanted to make sure thst she knew how much she was loved.

Aww, it's such a hard time.

I went through this back in April. Assuming you are after practicalities.... there were a couple of things that caused us more trouble than they needed to, because we hadn't dealt with them before DDad died.

One was his car. I wish we had amended the Registered Keeper so it was in DSM's name before he died - this could have been done online in seconds. But when he died the car instantly became "unregistered" - we couldn't renew the tax, nor could we sell it.....had to apply for a new Registered Keeper by post, then DVLA lost all the forms, which caused more delays, then the battery went flat - we ended up getting it towed off the road and declared SORN. Honestly, it was a total faff.

Also, if we'd asked him where he'd put the key to the safe, that would have saved us a few hours of searching (found it eventually - phew).

Lastly (and this will never pass), I keep wishing he was there to offer advice. Anything from finances to gardening tips.

The heating system 😂

Oh yes the car. That was a Faff.

so sorry you are facing this, but honestly, don’t worry about funerals etc, that will be fine.
As others say, talk about family, love, and happy memories. Cherish those moments.

We didn't bother my DM with details of her funeral, just assured her we'd honor her with one. And you also sound as if you and your family have practical things in hand pretty much. So I think, as other PP have said, that it's more important that you spend the time remaining with him asking him what things he'd like to tell you before he dies. He might surprise you. And for all of you to let him know how much you've loved him.

Very good advice except that you don’t need to get 10 copies of the death certificate. My dad died recently and I contacted numerous banks and insurance companies and I only sent an original certificate twice, everywhere else was happy with a scanned copy. Three copies would be more than adequate.

There’s lot of practical advice here which is great. Don’t underestimate the emotional toll this will take on you, and how you run though the final hours in your head so many times. Tell him everything he needs to hear to make sure you’ll be as ok as you can be afterwards. Especially that you love him.
Accept help from others and don’t be a martyr, it doesn’t help in the long run.
Also accept that grief will show itself in a wide variety of weird and not so wonderful ways. It’s all ok.
Bereavement support when you’re ready can be really helpful.

Having just been through this for my mum....

The Tell us Once service only notifies government departments such as DVLA, HMRC, Passport Office, Local Authority, DWP etc.

It's up to the executor to notify banks, energy companies, TV services, etc.

And I'd say you only tend to need two or three death certs - many companies are happy with scans or can look up the detaisl themselves and those that want to see an original tend to return it promptly.

I’m so sorry.
We spent a lovely morning the 3 of us (my mum, dad and I- I’m an only child) recording his wishes for funeral etc.
It sounds awful but we had a laugh and a cry and I remember it fondly.
This was pre hospice though, maybe let it brief.
I told him over again how loved he was, I know he knew that.

Decide on a funeral director so you know who to call. Elderly people who have been to a few funerals tend to know who is good in the area.

I agree 3 copies of the death cert is plenty these days.

The one practical thing I've not spotted a mention of yet is passwords. Device and email passwords as a minimum - that will be enough to reset most accounts if you don't have a full list.

But apart from that I agree that it's at least as important to focus on the emotional as the practical. Most practical things can be dealt with after he dies, or really don't matter that much in the grand scheme of things. Car registrations and heating systems can be a pain but there are ways to sort them. You won't get another chance to ask about his childhood and memories of older relatives, find out who's in old photos, and tell him how you feel.

Ask if he wants anything specific done with particular sums. My Dad left everything to my Mum but he asked her to put a chunk away for each me and my brother specifically for a house deposit. I used mine when we bought our house almost 10 years ago. Not sure my brother will ever get his. Ask him what music he would like and if he wants guests to wear his favourite colour? Does he want a memorial as well as a funeral? If he wants a religious funeral does he want a specific church? Is there any old friends he wants to be invited that you may not know of or think about and how do you contact them?