Things to discuss with my dad before he dies

[MyDadIsTheGreatest]

My dad is in a hospice and doesn't have long to live. What practicalities do I need to talk to him about before he dies?

He has a will, which is straightforward and uncontroversial, with my brother & me as executors & beneficiaries. His finances are all organised.

We know he wants burying, not cremating, and he already has a burial plot.

We've cancelled his newspaper deliveries and gardener and will need to do the same with the window cleaner. We have power of attorney for health & finance.

We need to talk about arrangements for the funeral service.

Anything else I should be asking him about while he still is compos mentis enough?

Tell Us Once does government stuff, there's another similar one that does most banks, pensions and other financial things. Can't remember the name of it but the bereavement department of any of his banks will be able to give you the details. The form is a bit more complex than the Tell Us Once, but it saves a lot of duplication of effort.

Have not heard of anything other than Tell us once who only cover government departments. It is down to the Executor to inform banks and private companies on death.

If your dad is in possession of an apple iPhone ensure you know the passcode to access it or you are named by him as a legacy contact in Settings.

It is down to the Executor to inform banks and private companies on death.

Yes, but there's a central form now that covers a lot of them. We used it for my stepdad 2 years ago.

All the practical stuff is important, will, pensions, finances , funeral wishes etc, but possibly even more important and stuff that will be too late afterwards is the opportunity to talk about his life. When DM died, she had taken time over the preceding years to write some of her life history and told us where it was. Not overly long but contained things we would never have known or thought to ask about and some parts helped us with things like the music for her funeral. It’s amazing what you don’t actually know about our parents unless they tell you

As far as things like the funeral are concerned there may be gentler ways of discussing it, like asking about favourite songs, rather than "what songs would you like at your funeral". Another way would be to talk about your Mum's funeral, and see if he tells you what he would like to be the same or different.

I had once told my Mum that I was not going g to plan another funeral service, that i was just going to use my Dad's again. This started as a fairly frivolous comment, but led her to agreeing that she would like that. When the day came it made things very easy, same hymns, same readings, and we all felt very comfortable with it.

Try to record some video of him talking, so you have something to remember what he sounds like.
and ask about his childhood and history, all those memories and stories will go with him.

My dear friend advised me to apologise to my parents, even if I thought I had nothing to apologise for! We had a normal, friendly, loving upbringing. Anyway - I did it!

And somehow, after they died, little snippets of my selfish teen self, my inconsiderate 20 something self came back from time to time - triggered largely bu my own teen/20 somethings.

I am very glad that I had called attention to the love and generosity my parents had for me by the way of an apology!

It is a difficult time OP.

If it is appropriate to your family, tell him you had a good childhood and / or talk about nice or funny memories of family life.

I think when my time comes, my daughter telling me those things would be very reassuring

I posted up thread but have thought of something else. I would ask for your Dad's passwords to get into his computer. I didn't have access to my Dad's computer and have not been able to access all the photos he had from 2012 onwards when he switched from physical photos to digital ones.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult time.

Ask about him and his early life, forget the paperwork as you'll know everything with having POA and pensions etc will be in his bank statements.

Where did he go to school, can he remember rationing, did he know his grandparents, who was his bff at school, did he have pets - basically the small stuff that will hopefully remind him of happy times.

Honestly, all I wanted to speak to my dad after he died was how much I loved him.

So sorry about your Dad. We had to deal with this last year and the most important thing we found was access passwords to any computers or phones/tablets. Emails and apps contain pretty much everything these days.

Ask about pensions, bank accounts, savings, life insurance, house insurance.

Thats about it really. Other than that spend as much time as you can, it goes quickly.

passwords
his life/family (believe me you won’t regret asking, but you will regret not asking.)
hymns/songs
readings
your relationship together
any recipes that are special

Make sure you hug him, feel him, touch his hand give it a gentle massage kiss it ,
kiss his forehead.
have a record of his voice .
the human connection the feel of someone and their voice is what I miss the most.

type of service
hymns
readings
As said before personal item bequests ( written in his hand if possible)
start sorting photos if you are going to do a slide show

just been through all this . Both parents died in last 6 months. Remember grief is a roller coaster.