Things to discuss with my dad before he dies

[MyDadIsTheGreatest]

My dad is in a hospice and doesn't have long to live. What practicalities do I need to talk to him about before he dies?

He has a will, which is straightforward and uncontroversial, with my brother & me as executors & beneficiaries. His finances are all organised.

We know he wants burying, not cremating, and he already has a burial plot.

We've cancelled his newspaper deliveries and gardener and will need to do the same with the window cleaner. We have power of attorney for health & finance.

We need to talk about arrangements for the funeral service.

Anything else I should be asking him about while he still is compos mentis enough?

I think as others have said, keep the practicalities part short and sweet. As long as you have access to the main things like a Will and passwords, the rest will probably fall into place afterwards. Just use the time to tell him you love him or chat in whatever way is most helpful. These are really painful days but also very precious days. One day you’ll be glad to look back and remember the time you spent together.

If he leaves a surviving spouse or dependent (I suspect not from what you have said) ask if he wants to transfer any money to them now otherwise it will be caught up in probate. Phrased something like “we’ll make sure Sally is taken care of but did you want us to help transfer any money now to help take care of things over the next few months).

Mostly though, don’t beat yourself up or wear yourself out with the practical stuff. There can be a tendency to think we can somehow fix it if we just manage to do all the admin perfectly. Unfortunately there is no fixing it and the admin will get sorted eventually anyway.

This. His childhood. How your parents met, what His parents were like. His favourite memories of you all. This is the stuff you cant find out after.

I’m sorry your dad is so unwell.

one thing I never thought of was donation. We were asked after my grandad died. Apparently he couldn’t donate his organs because of the cancer but he could donate his eyes. The corneas helped two people see again. He had ticked a box on his driving license years ago but the lovely nurse said they always talk to the nok to check and do consent with them. She was really nice and we didn’t feel under pressure. It wasn’t on my radar to consider though and the call came through quickly after he died.

another thing was practicalities of passwords for things to make closing things down easier. We has a password spreadsheet left which was very much my grandad!

I hope your dad is comfortable and you are all being looked after

Agree on the copies of the death certificate, my dad died in June and we got two copies and used one of them, most places were happy with a copy,.most companies were notified by the 'tell us once' service.

He sounds so organised, which is a measure of how much he cares about you. My father was the same, had everything gathered up in one drawer.

If he was still living in a house he owned, can he clarify where the deeds are? Some banks like Abbey held them for years. It can be a problem if they are old, pre-digitised deeds.

@Heyheyitsanotherday I hadn't thought of this at all but my brother brought it up. My dad's in the same situation - they only want his eyes. That's wonderful that your grandad was able to help others in that way.

100% that.

You really want his last days to be discussing his death with a barrage of practical questions about what YOU will need to do?

Good grief.

If HE brings up any concerns about what you will need to do and what you might need from him, then a gentle conversation is okay. But really you should be focusing on his own welfare and state of mind.

For your own sake as well as his, you need those last days to be quality time.

I and my DDs nursed my DH to the end, at home. Just sitting with him and sharing memories, laughing about them, and just loving him and each other. It was the memories of those last days, and knowing that we'd kept them warm and loving, that helped us get through the grief.

If we'd spent them on discussing his imminent demise and the work we had to do, I'd be kicking myself now, and regretting it terribly.

I am going through similar. I plan to ask my dad the names of his grandparents and other aunts/uncles or great aunts/uncles and to let him know he could not have been a better dad to me. I would love to record his voice but that might feel too upsetting to ask.

Tell him how proud you are that he’s your dad. Tell him how much you all love him.

Love is absolutely the most important conversation.

I talked my dad through where he’d wake up next - we were trying to get him into a hospice which you already have - and explained it was in a lovely garden.

Brought up best memories of family holidays we’ve been on, pretty houses we’d stayed in, all the gorgeous stuff he loved. He really responded to that.

I hadn't really thought about discussing things like past holidays, so thanks for that suggestion. He would like that! We've been doing a lot of mutual appreciation and telling each other how much we love each other.

My mum died very suddenly after an operation, so this is the first time we've been in a situation like this.

Be aware he may refuse to talk about anything. My Fil shut down and wouldn’t even allow us to arrange payment of his bills while he was very ill/dying.
He wouldn’t tell us where his will was, where the house deeds were, nothing. He would literally close his eyes and turn away from any death related conversation.

The only thing I regret is not asking more questions in his last years. Time was taken up with care and practicalities and i'd have loved to know more about his early life and work, to have him talk about my Mam and to just love him more. All the practical stuff just gets done.

On the programme The Pitt they had a lovely idea
I love you
Thank you
I forgive you
Please forgive me

Lastly, I wrote my mother’s eulogy and when my son read it out I realised we should have read it to her while she was still alive.

Pensions and accounts/ paperwork locations/ anything he’s worried about.
If not too presumptuous, sharing love and thanking him.

You've had a lot of practical advice already but when my dad had his last couple of weeks in a hospice, one of the nurses came to us and said, “right I’m going to ask you all the difficult things” and it was stuff about what kind of medication dad might want at the end, DNRs, and whilst it’s all a bit of a blur now, I’m sure she asked about some other practicalities. Not just funerals but other things about the run up to “the end” and afterwards too.

We did all sit there crying going through it but somehow it was also a huge relief to have some kind of plan. And also for dad to regain a tiny bit of control by saying what he wanted. Plus I remember somehow the nurse talking in such a way that we were all also chuckling at various points too.

So maybe ask at the hospital if there’s anything they advise to go through. In our experiences those nurses were absolute angels. They made a living hell a little bit less hellish and supported us as well as dad.

Sending you a big hug OP

Forgot all the practical things. You can work it out and it won’t be good for him to dwell on it. Ask him about himself, his childhood, his likes and dislikes. Favourite memories. Things you can come back to and treasure when he’s gone and conversation he will want to engage with

Honestly, just talk about the life he led before you were born/remember. Everything else can be worked out after.

I didn't get that with my Dad who was fine one day and gone the next (he died in his sleep). There's so much I wish I could go back and ask and say. None of it is about his final wishes.

Tell him you love him (assuming you have a decent relationship)

Ask him what his favourite memories are, his earliest memories and what was the last thing that made him laugh the mist

will you be selling the home? Or is it rented? If the former think about keeping the Gardner for a while to keep it tidy

also ask your dad is there anything he wants you to know, give him an easy opener in case he wants to tell you something dear to his heart

I love the idea of the 4 phrases in ho'oponopono. Sums everything up at the end.

I was in a similiar situation. My mum died suddenly several years ago and even now, there’s things I wished I had asked her. My dad is 80 now and not in good health but we have lots of good chats about everything from his childhood through to his hopes and dreams for me. I have asked him, ‘what can I do to make you proud?’ And being the lovely man he is, he said ‘I already AM proud’.

Also, when he’s telling me a great story, with his permission I record it on my phone. This might not be appropriate for you now but I know one day I’ll treasure these conversations.

I am aware that so many people aren’t fortunate to have good relationships with their dads so I feel grateful for mine.

A relative of mine used Tell me once - I understood it deals with national and local government services such as HMRC, benefits and state pension, DVLA, council tax, bus passes etc not banks and private pensions? She did all that separately.

I was just going to say this, tell us once only covers government departments.

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through, have been there. I agree with telling him how much you love him, reminisce together and ask questions about his life before you were born. I've so many questions for my Dad, but never got chance to ask them.