Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

[rookiemere]

A new thread but the same themes, for those of us going through the ongoing challenges of supporting elderly DPs and relatives.
No judgement just support and virtual gins or tea on tap depending on your preferences.

Thanks this is all so useful, I will definitely discuss funeral related matters tomorrow, of course it should be part and parcel of them being there, silly of me not to clock that.

I’ve also had a helpful discussion with DH about what happens if he gets the call when I am away next weekend with friends and also is he still happy to be primary contact. He is and now knows I want to be told as soon as possible if it does happen. Also that sandwiches will be provided at the wake and there will be one. Oh and if a DP passes when we’re on holiday later this year or indeed at another time, I will be coming home.

Honestly what’s the odds they’re now going to survive for many more years, but I do like being prepared and it feels sensible to work all these things through.

My DSis spoke to the care home to ask if they could get our DM an appointment with a doctor who can refer her for counselling so that feels like a step in the right direction. Thank you @rookiemere for suggesting we got the care home more involved in managing DM's anxiety.

Today's update is that DM is now talking about wanting to end her life. She has talked about it before, but not for a few months. She wouldn't actually do it and I don't think she'd be able to anyway given her current living arrangements, so as awful as it sounds I am not worried from a practical point of view. But it is an awful thing to hear your Mum say and it's awful for her to feel it. I'm not sure how best to support her - other than requesting GP and counselling input.

We used to get that from FIL if DH wasn't doing what he wanted. As the only thing that would of made him happy would be for DH to miraculously become a girl and give up everything to move in to their tiny bungalow with no spare bedroom to look after him and MIL it was fairly frequent.
Last night we went to a gig that a childhood friend of DH was playing at. They haven't met for many years and in the bar beforehand they were reminiscing. It was good to be reminded what FIL was like before MILs stroke. The last 8 years of his life do dominate our memories.

I'm sorry @countrygirl99 that sounds really distressing and manipulative.

It is hard to remember a time 'before' these days.

Mil doesn’t seem to be speaking to DH at the moment. We’re not sure if there’s a problem, if she’s cross, or she’s just busy. We’ve spoken to FiL, and we know BiL was there recently. So no emergencies, just a bit odd.

Meanwhile mine was ringing through the night about ordering sandwiches. I keep mine on silent at all times, otherwise I’d live in a permanent Adrenalin rush.

@Exhaustedpickle he became incredibly manipulative once Mil needed care. The other one we used to get was "my brother's children take him on outings, no one does that for me". That was because everyone had given up trying because you'd get tickets for football/cricket, book a table at a restaurant/take him to the pub to play darts or something else he'd like, arrange for someone to sit with MIL etc and then he would phone the family member sitting every couple of minutes and within 30 minutes he'd be wanting to go home in case MIL got upset or her tea wasn't made exactly as he would. I think the record anyone lasted was when DH took him to a 20-20 cricket match 45 minutes away and they only saw the first ball. And that took some persuading.

That sounds utterly exhausting! Do you think he had no concept of what he was putting his family through or just didn't care? I admit I ask myself the same question about my DM sometimes.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn that also sounds exhausting! Even if you don't take the calls you know they've come in and that is stressful in itself.

Even when DF was alive and both he and DM were relatively well they would do the 'everyone else is doing X' thing. The most common complaint was that my family took MIL out for meals, had her over to visit, took her along on day trips etc and didn't do the same for them. Which on the face of it was true. But they were invited along nearly every time, and many times when MIL was not with us, but always declined. I think the number of invitations probably did decline but only because we knew they would never say yes. It's a shame, and just one of the ways that they made their world very small in their last few healthy years.

I think he was just so wound up in caring for MIL as she couldn't be left for even 5 minutes that he didn't think straight. I would have been more sympathetic if he hadn't insisted on taking her out of the fully funded decent care home less than 10 minutes walk from their house because he wanted her home despite his own health issues that meant emergency hospital admissions a couple of times a year.

We’ve had a lot of that, @bigdogpaws . MiL feels hard done by because DM has been here a fair bit, but DM lives alone whereas Mil had FiL and BiL with her, plus other Dc who don’t have other elderly parents to look after.

DM thinks everyone else goes on holiday with their family, big birthday parties etc. However she’s incredibly obstructive and won’t go on holiday with you, you have to go with her- when she wants, where she wants etc. And it’s no holiday as you all know. And frankly I don’t want to spend all my money, energy and time doing it. I’d need a holiday to recover.

In fact I’m ready for a holiday even thinking about it!

The thing is, we all felt very unimportant as DC- boarding school, told not to upset DM by ringing home etc. It’s hard to feel massively obligated now. I mean, I do as much as I can- more than my sibs, but it’s not with enthusiasm!

Apart from anything else, it all feels like a test. A series of hoops to jump through, just to should willing.

Frustrating to say the least!

It sounds from other posters that the 'everyone else's family' thing is quite common. my DM has never rolled out this line but I guess there is still time.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn That sounds very familiar. DM has always been rather jealous of time we spend with MIL, when actually she's been invited along just as often but never wanted to do what we were planning. MIL was widowed quite young and has usually just been happy to either tag along with what we are doing. Even when she was well, DM has always wanted things to be on her own terms so hasn't ever wanted to do that. Now that DM has dementia I think she's just being more open about her jealousy. When we asked her if she wanted to come over this Xmas her immediate response was 'not if that woman [MIL] will be there'. MIL has no other family, and is actually quite pleasant to be around so I won't tell her she can't spend the day with us to avoid upsetting DM.

Your comments re holidays reminded me of the one and only time we attempted a short break with my parents. DD was very small and we invited them to join us for a cheap off-peak long weekend in a small hotel in a quaint coastal town (just the sort of thing my parents would usually love). We imagined a really calm, chilled few days and perhaps even grandparents babysitting one evening whilst we went out for dinner or at least a drink. They seemed thrilled by the idea but over the next few days kept calling with 'problems' with the idea and things they'd found that would be better etc. In the end we were browbeaten in to changing it to a busy caravan park in the school holidays and taking my nieces as well. We barely saw my parents during the day (nieces wanted to do things that were not suitable for DD) then every evening DH was 'encouraged' to take the nieces to the on-site entertainment on his own because parents were tired from the day out and I needed to feed DD and put her to bed. It was the least relaxing break I have ever had, we spent loads more than the nice place we'd suggested and DH and I spent every evening apart.

I think sometimes when we're dealing with elderly parents we can be pushed in to the narrative that we should just give a little bit more because 'they did it for you, now it's your turn' etc. For some of us it can be helpful to remember that actually they have always been fairly unreasonable.

Absolutely. Resonates!

Thank you for the new thread.

It‘ll come as no surprise to anyone here that no sooner had I returned from staying with my mother that an in-law crisis was looming. Oh and I had an expensive two hour dental procedure last week so nothing but uninterrupted fun here.

MiL is barely able to walk more than a few steps even with her mobility aids and FiL is doing absolutely everything, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening etc and now we know that she needs personal care, which he is also providing. They are not interested in moving or having help at home, I have no idea how they’ll manage. We’re the nearest family, 2-3 hours away and we see them every 2-3 weeks.

This really resonates- everyone else’s family (or rather daughters), who are so much better. Years ago I did used to go on holiday with “D”M whilst I was still single. It was soul-destroying as it was always exactly what she wanted to do. I felt like one of those unwanted ladies’ companions in an historical novel! I’d always return to work feeling exhausted and resentful and like I needed a holiday to recover.

She hasn’t realised that the friends who do go on holiday with their elderly parents have had years of reciprocal care, taking it in turns with childcare, cooking in a self-catering place, everybody mucking in. Whereas I’d be expected to do all of it.

I saw this and thought of everyone on here with a goldenballs brother

Sorry to hear that, it’s so hard. Will she be receptive to help?

MiL talks about waiting to die, not exactly the same thing but similar bleak outlook.

I was given mission impossible by DM as an ‘all I want for my birthday, it’s not too much to ask…’

Well I couldn’t achieve it as it involved other people. I did however book a restaurant and plan to meet with other family members.

Today she tells me that it’s not a good place and she wants to go somewhere else. Oh, and I’m not staying long enough, and as I chose the day that’s my fault- nothing to do with my work hours, or her other plans, or the plans of the others involved of course.

So rude. And unappreciative. Nothing is ever enough, and everything is served with a good dose of martyrdom. 😖

Went to another funeral today, a long time friend of the family. It was a lovely service full of people who wanted to step up and say a few words because he’d impacted so many people in a long and happy life. I quietly blubbed my way through it, which I can only put down to a delayed reaction as I was fine 3 weeks ago for mums funeral. Had to apologise to the family as I was in a worse state than them but they understood and were lovely about it.

She will have the counselling and then say it was useless because they didn't give her a magic pill to solve all her problems. I am still going to push it though because I feel that a medical professional needs to be aware of her MH and there is the slimmest of chances that DM might benefit from it.

Sorry to hear you've walked straight into another crisis. Hopefully your FIL will realise he needs additional help soon.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn it's like pouring yourself into a black hole, so sorry.

Yes it’s a good plan if she’ll engage, at the very least it’ll mean that for that period of time someone else is listening and giving you a break from hearing it.

I keep trying to redirect my mum back to her counsellor. It’s like intimate care, it’s not good for your relationship to be expected to do all the heavy lifting, it’s so emotionally taxing.

Where your DMs willing to go to counselling? Mine (80s) doesn’t believe in it and thinks it’s very self-indulgent.

Whereas obviously it’s fine to make everyone around her miserable.

That would be how the rest of her family see it but for some reason DM absorbed some 70s pop culture ideas like therapy and sharing your feelings. She read all the self help books on the bestseller lists at the time.

I’m in two minds about it, I suspect it has encouraged some bad habits and yes some self indulgence! And I don’t think she usually grapples with big feelings/issues, I think she likes to win therapy by being charming and having a nice chat.

Last week the care home nurse said they were going to talk to the GP about prescribing something to lift DMs mood. I said it was an excellent idea, but instead he’s come back with the suggestion that DM should investigate alternative non medical options. She is bed bound, nearly blind, deaf and can no longer speak, does he expect her to be leading the conga round the cafe ?

I suspect this may be yesterday's problem anyway as DM has deteriorated so much in the last couple of days, but honestly this mealy mouthed prescribing. What harm are some tablets to lift the spirits of a terminally ill 87 year old going to do exactly? It’s very lucky she isn’t in physical pain as clearly he is one of these doctors who doesn’t like to respond to the situation in front of him.

To be fair, @rookiemere , I think any sane normal person would be of low mood if they were in your mother's position. It might be impossible for a tablet to help with that, and if her life expectancy is very short it may well be that no tablet would have time to take any effect before nature runs its course. There would also be the possibilities of the tablets causing increased agitation or sedation.

But Congoing around the cafe made me smile wryly!