Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

[rookiemere]

A new thread but the same themes, for those of us going through the ongoing challenges of supporting elderly DPs and relatives.
No judgement just support and virtual gins or tea on tap depending on your preferences.

@rookiemere I totally get you on visits being a chore to be got through.

At least for me they are now less stressful. DM is now unable to leave her bed and lives in a mostly pleasant dream world. Better than when I would find her in tears or furious about some imagined slight.

@bigdogpaws yes, my DB sees himself as the 'DM whisperer'. Anything which differs from his rules on how DM should be cared for is deemed 'harsh' or 'uncaring'.

I suspect your DB is planning to do what my DAunt did to my DGM. Slowly absorb all her assets. No malice intended of course.

To whom will you be portrayed as having abandoned your DM?

I'm afraid as DB got more and more control over DM, I mattered less and less to her. Looking back I slowly withdrew.

@GnomeDePlume Unfortunately I think you're right about Brother absorbing Mum's assets. In principle it's of no consequence to me if he's prepared to be her carer- my plan would be to sell her house and use all her assets to pay for residential care at the appropriate time and I've never assumed any inheritance anyway. My worry is that either a) it all goes wrong but there's no money left to pay for care and brother refuses to move out and sell the house or b) they manage but they burn through her savings and come looking to me to prop up their funding or take over the carer role. The idea of Mum paying living costs in exchange for care sounds reasonable in theory but for years now the running costs for her (large) home have been more than her income and household expenses will be much higher with a full family living there.

To answer your question re me being portrayed as having abandoned them- I think this will be what Brother tells the few extended family members and very old friends of Mum's that are still in touch, plus HCP, social services and Mum's neighbours. None of it any consequence to me, except that if/when things go wrong I suspect some of them will be in touch to tell me it's my turn to 'step up'.
I've also withdrawn a lot since it's become apparent that Brother is in control. I've had to for my own sanity. When the series of crises that led us here first starter I dropped everything to be with Mum and there were months when I, DH or both were with her pretty much 24/7. When it became obvious that she actually had long-term care needs I told her and Brother that I could only continue doing this whilst we got a proper care plan in place. That didn't go down well at all

Just marking my spot for the moment, thank you @rookiemere . Another visit to DMum ended up with me trying to leave and her begging me to stay till she'd done this, then done that (none of which I could help with), me getting impatient and saying I needed to go and her screaming at me that she might as well just kill herself, and that I'd be one my own one day and see how awful it is, all this in front of DD. She's not even totally alone, DDad (who is an absolute sweetheart) is in a nearby home. Not sure how much more of this I'm up for.

Thanks for the new thread, I’ll keep checking in even though I’ve now “graduated”, and hand round the drinks/snacks and plump up the cushions.

DB and I have a plan for probate - I’ll do it online and he can co-sign from abroad as long as he has an internet connection. The only asset of any note is the house and we’re getting a surveyor to do a probate valuation so it should be straightforward (she says). Then when we get probate granted we’ll get a solicitor to do the legalities for him buying me out of the house so that’s all above board.

i was quite chilled until I opened today’s post to find a letter from HMRC demanding income tax from mums estate, some going back to 23/24 tax year. I’m afraid my immediate reaction ended in “off” and the secondary reaction was that they can jolly well show me their working out rather than just send me a bill.

@funnelfan always grateful for your support and wisdom on these threads. It’s so useful to hear from those who have trodden the path ahead of us.

That’s very kind of you.

I’ve been quite ok, and not really grieving in the same way I did for Dad or even MiL. It been noted that I’m very matter of fact and even on the day of the funeral I only had two brief emotional moments. I really think the support I’ve had here to various bouts of ranting and worry has prepared me - along with the advance grieving that comes with the various forms of dementia and cognitive decline.

I just feel relief - I’m one of the fortunate ones on here in mostly having had a good relationship with my mum and I do miss her, but as she was before Dad died. I don’t miss the very frail and confused version of recent years.

Apart from the paperwork, the one thing I must do is refocus myself and my life. And not drift. I remember the conversations I had with mum after her mum died and asked her what she was going to do with all the time she got back, and reminding her all the things she’d said she wanted to do when she was deep in grandma-wrangling. She did none of it in the end, and didn’t even pick back up her old interests and I don’t think it did her any good in the long term.

Yay, new thread.

Things are relatively okay-ish around here. Mum's dog has managed to escape several times and Mum hardly ever answers her phone (because she won't wear her hearing aids and so doesn't hear it unless it's right beside her) so there was some trouble getting her back home. Mum's lovely neighbour has circulated the dog's photo on the neighbourhood WhatsApp so hopefully she can be returned if she gets found again.

Mum has had a little flurry of signing up to stuff that I or DB have to cancel. She has the executive processing ability to phone and give her credit card for things like holidays but when DB sees the email confirmation he can then cancel. She almost never remembers that she had ordered stuff or booked the holiday so she doesn't really care that it gets canceled.