Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

[rookiemere]

A new thread but the same themes, for those of us going through the ongoing challenges of supporting elderly DPs and relatives.
No judgement just support and virtual gins or tea on tap depending on your preferences.

Thank you for the new thread.
I’ve put the kettle on. What would everyone like to drink?

Presumably there’s a fancy barista coffee machine too?

@EmotionalBlackmailthere is of course a coffee machine, but not one that needs a barista degree to produce some caffeine - or if it is there is a handy person in the corner ( but not us) figuring out how it works and dispensing the drinks !

Thank you @rookiemere
Flat white for me please @EmotionalBlackmail 😀

Thanks for new thread. Snack trolley coming round to go with your hot beverage of choice🍫🍩🍪 .

Still in the trenches here, DF has a virus so has taken to hamming up his symptoms and faking breathing difficulties to get attention and get us to go there, then when you arrive he is absolutely fine, oxygen levels normal. DH and I trying to stay strong, yesterday I was at work from morning until 10pm. DH at home with a broken knee and ankle trying to hold the fort with the kids. DF told categorically by DH at 10am no one would be visiting (four care calls a day yesterday). He phoned me 3 times at work between 10 and 11am to try and worry me I guess thinking that if I phoned DH then he would change his mind and go to his. He then phoned in the evening multiple times while I was still at work and then at 10.30pm phoned and claimed that DH hadn't told him he wasn't coming to put him to bed. He has already phoned this morning and his carer hasn't even left yet. No insight into the impact this behaviour has on us at all.

@Choconuttolatagosh your DF is just so demanding. Should he be able to manage with the four carers visits or does he actually need more? What happens if you switch off your phone sometimes?

Back here successful lunch outing from the care home for DFs 93rd. Successful being defined as he didn’t have a toilet accident when out, he wasn’t sick and didn’t trip over and fall. Oh and DM didn’t have a hissy fit because the attention wasn’t on her, in fact she was in quite good form when we saw her before we went out.

I don’t have a golden balls DB thankfully, but I am beginning to understand the sensation as golden cousin and her CF DH are over next week from DFs country of origin. Thankfully not staying with us as I did put my foot down about that, but DH thinks they’re over to try and change the will. DF doesn’t have capacity so they can’t and hopefully DH is overreacting, but I just hope they don’t get DF all worked up.

From the photos it looks like he’s hale and healthy at his birthday lunch, but it’s all carefully stage managed - tell care home in advance, get there before lunch so he hasn’t already eaten, book table at his favourite pub, make sure he doesn’t eat too much and is sick and encourage him to go to toilet before leaving. It’s very much like taking out a capricious toddler and DCousins DH is all about central character energy so I can see them doing it all in a slapdash fashion and phoning me at work when it all goes wrong. I am of course catastrophising, hopefully taking him out will require too much energy and they won’t bother.

Argh, the visit has brought up lots of unhelpful emotions that I had just been stuffing down. They are either here for 4 nights or 11 - hopefully the former.

@rookiemere oh no he can totally manage with the four calls a day, he just wants someone there to hold his hand all the time. Panic attacks and feigned helplessness have been a behaviour of his since I was a small child, he used to do it to my DM when they were married. I know he is scared and anxious, his own mortality is weighing on him, but no one can be there all the time and if he wants that he needs to accept that he has to go into a care home, but even then no one can hold his hand continuously.

Sadly I can't turn my phone off even when at work because of stuff going on with my kids and important phone calls about medical appointments etc. I might have to figure out how to block just his number between certain times as I don't need the extra pressure right now.

Thank you for the new thread.
I’m just having coffee and a dark chocolate ginger biscuit.
All quiet here (touches wood etc).

@Choconuttolatathe Do Not Disturb setting on mobiles is very useful. Mine is set up so “D”M can’t get through except at certain times but dc schools/wraparound and DH (plus numbers like the GP qnd
dentist) can ring at any time.

Yes, I think the cafe has a barista coffee machine staffed by someone whose sole
job is to make us whatever want (including alcoholic drinks and any food) but without complaining or passing on what is said in here!

Hmm a cuppa and a chocolate digestive would be very welcome!
Thanks @rookiemere for the new thread!

@Choconuttolata when my DAunt was in the throes of dementia she had raging anxiety and used to regularly phone the GP surgery, convinced she was dying, and dial 999. I think they blocked her number in the end; shortly afterwards she fell again and went into hospital again and then a care home. But what I mean is, it could be a symptom of cognitive decline as well?

Relatively “quiet” here but I think I’m fighting a losing battle on the getting-a-cleaner front. Have only managed to clear up half the downstairs and as predicted on here, between my visits they trash it again - it’s like watching the tide come in again, just as inevitable. I’m currently wondering whether to just get a cleaner anyway, although it worries me that people might not want to take the job, or will quit, because of the state of the place, or DM will just want to get rid of them anyway.

This week DH & I took up the carpet in DF’s bedroom as he’s had a number of accidents and my DM wants to put hard flooring in as it’s easier to clean. Practical, but in the grand scheme of things it might be a “yesterday’s problem” as really this is a further slide to needing to be in a care home, I think. But they won’t countenance it.

Also be aware that although more hygienic accidents need mopping / wiping up on hard flooring . As they are not likely to clean them up they are more at risk of slipping because of the flooring .

Oh god MIL has had dementia for around 7 years from first real symptoms. She’s been in a home this last year as it got too much for DIL to cope with even with carers.
It’s so depressing. She has a lit of visitors, but going out and about is too stressful for her to manage lately… this is a woman who has traveled the world in retirement… I hate the place and I know she would objectively. She was a huge larger than life character and I miss her. Just keep wondering how long this living prison will likely continue….

Sending hugs to everyone dealing with elderly parents at the latter stages. It’s fucking grim 💔

I’d love a rich belgian hot choc with double cream please @EmotionalBlackmail ☕️🍫🍪

I put hard flooring in DMs bedroom last year. No regrets. It’s pretty nonslip - this was one of the criteria. The other thing to be wary of is the transitional area in doorways - going from hard floor to carpet for example. Someone on here pointed out that hospitals and care homes in general have washable floors.

@MotherOfCatBoy it definitely is a symptom of cognitive decline in his case too, memory clinic appointment finally this month after waiting since February.

DF has hard floors, but manages to miss the commode and then you can't see it on the floor so it is a falls risk too. Also be careful with stepping down stairs onto hard floors if they have vision problems, DF found it hard to see the difference in floor surface between the bottom step and hallway floor so we had to put something on the floor near the edges so he could see the difference. The other alternative is a different colour floor to the stairs.

@EmotionalBlackmail I need to figure out how to do the do not disturb setting properly because last time I tried that his call still got through and woke me up at midnight when I had to be up for work at 6am the next day 🤦

<Hands round Cadbury Twirls to use as straws for hot chocolate 🫕 🍫 ☕> NB just bite the top and bottom off 😋

@MotherOfCatBoy still worth getting the flooring done as at some point the house will need to be rented or sold. @EmotionalBlackmail I am in awe of your phone setting abilities. I tried to do something similar with DMs number but ended up blocking everyone’s ability to leave voice messages, so now I just switch off the volume when I am at work or sleeping. They’re at the care home anyway so if it’s important they will let us know. DM has mostly stopped speaking over the last few weeks so it looks like that’s one of yesterday’s problems too.

@Choconuttolata that sounds like a nightmare x

Siddling in for a seat on the bad DIL’s bench and a cup of fortifying tea. The long off ramp (as I think someone called it) is continuing,
MiL is now on “respite” in a nice care home… we’re waiting on a vacancy in one that is just as nice but also does nursing care, as that’s where things are headed. The house is slowly being cleared, mammoth job and very sad - very seasonal/topical I guess!

She’s now moved on from the more amusing hallucinations to some that are quite sinister and heeby-geeby inducing - a woman in black, just standing outside her window all day… She’s only fairly lucid midday now, but is eating well, so at least she’s getting enjoyment from that. Still “packing her bags” and getting ready to go home though…

Passing metaphorical , and courage around…

Mum's decline continues at pace. I didn't see her for 3 days this week as away and she was noticeably thinner and "not in the room". She's eating hardly anything but was drinking last thing I heard but I suspect that has dwindled too. Will get an update tomorrow but she seems to be actively dying, if that's a thing. It's so sad and ghastly. DSis and I are due to go away for a week in 2 weeks. I'm not sure we'll feel we can go if mum is still here. We were both there when dad died and would like to do the same for mum. I've a feeling she'll go in her sleep anyway though so we wouldn't get the call.

Thanks for the new thread @rookiemere .

Well I have booked a cheap hotel in DMs home town for the end of this month.

I spoke with her on the phone before doing so; it appears she's walking a mile or more most days (I have no reason to disbelieve this) so should be able to get out to meet us or to be taken somewhere for lunch.

I haven't yet told her I'm visiting and asked if she actually wants to meet up. I'm banned from visiting her at home but I hope that doesn't extend to local cafes etc. I'm actually quite anxious about telling her - I don't think she'll say that she doesn't want to see me but I can't be sure about that. Since she's got a gold medal in passive aggression, I don't think she'd say so out loud, she'd just make the visit very miserable for me!!

I plan to ring her at the end of the week and ask her if she'd like to see me. Wish me luck. Isn't it crazy, and sad, that we should have to be anxious about rejection from our parents even when we are ourselves of pensionable age?!

I'll have the same, with marshmallows on the top, please.

And a whole packet of magic calorie-free chocolate biscuits.

Thank you for the new thread @rookiemere

All sympathy for anyone having to live through this stage with an elderly relative.

No visit to DM this week. Instead visiting DD/DSiL and enjoyed lots of cuddles with 6w DGD. I'm afraid I didnt feel guilty.

DB was going to try to get other DB to visit in my stead but I dont think that happened. DB is paying the price for excluding other DB and me from DM's life for the last 30 years. DM knew he was doing it but didnt want to do anything about it for fear of DB's reaction.

Family dynamics keep being replayed but the cast of characters is reducing. DB has gone through his life feeling smugly superior. Thinking he has made 'better' choices. Now there are fewer people to feel superior to, just other DB and me. Except we arent really interested.

DB started gatekeeping access to DM after DF died 30+ years ago. It got worse in the last 10 years. Visit DM and DB would turn up (he moved to live round the corner). DB's arrival would then be a signal that I was supposed to leave.

Phone calls had to be arranged around DB's visits. No casual phoning for a chat as DB might turn up.

DB is still gatekeeping access to DM now. Except that there is no connection so he is gatekeeping an attraction we dont particularly want to visit.

I am glad you got lovely DGD baby cuddles @GnomeDePlumeand why should you feel guilty about spending time with her she’s your DGD. I feel with these very aged DPs like the circle of life has somehow stuck at the final hour.

DH and I were musing about me potentially leaving my job next year due to not many holiday days - a friend our age 55 has unexpectedly had a stroke - I was saying oh maybe we should wait until DPs pass for long holidays anyway - we were away for a week recently marred only by care home ringing to say they thought DM had had a stroke and did I want her taken to hospital, no and it turned out to be a UTI - so I can’t imagine we’d be fully able to enjoy a longer break.But then we realised if we left it too long we may become DGPs or we might have issues with our health

I must admit that the care home visits and occasional outings with DF are 100% a chore that I get no enjoyment from, but I dutifully go twice a week. Mostly I can’t wait for it to be over, it was nice at the beginning when they moved in as DF has become a lot more mellow so could enjoy walks together, but his memory has got a lot worse and he has got a lot frailer, so every visit is pretty much internally cataloguing the decline.

I am sure my visitors from over the pond will have lots of helpful suggestions on things I could do better though.

@GnomeDePlume Glad to hear you've had a nice weekend with DD/DGD. Here's to many more!

I wonder if it's common for difficult family dynamics to come to a head when elderly parents need help? For all our adult lives my Brother has been competing for the title of 'person who knows and represents our parents best'. He can be very charming with people who seem to back this up but is incredibly rude to/about everyone else. I don't think anyone else is aware of the competition but I'm sure it has put people off spending time with them and now the only people in Mum's life are me, B and a had full of friends and family who back up B's narrative. He views me as having an easy life, and always having everything handed to me on a plate (of course, this is not at all true). B has decided, and promised Mum, that she will never have paid carers or residential care. Since I disagree, and won't commit myself to sharing full time caring indefinitely I am badged as the Bad Daughter (I have offered to organise carers or residential care which apparently makes me even worse) and B is gradually trying to push me out.

Currently I am useful, as I deal with all Mum's every increasing medical appointments, household admin/finances and general 'mental load' duties. So my occasional presence in Mum's life is being endured. B is now planning to move his family in with Mum and stop work to look after her (apparently she will pay for all the household running costs so he can afford to do this) and wants LPA so that he can deal with finances etc. I'm becoming increasingly sure that he plans to make it as hard as possible for me to visit. Whilst Mum can use her phone, I will be able to arrange to visit when he is out and/or take her out but she's finding her phone increasingly difficult. I'm having to get my head around the idea that if/when I lose that ability to communicate with Mum without B as 'gatekeeper' I will lose all contact with her. My relationship with my family has been difficult in many ways but it's not easy to get used to the fact that you may be prevented from seeing a parent in their final years, and may not even get to know when they pass. The only alternative to this seems to be to agree to 'share' full time care of DM (moving her in with me for a month at a time, on rotation with B was his initial suggestion) and I'm just not prepared to do that. I suspect it may all go wrong (B seems to have very little idea of what sort of care is likely to be needed as Mum's condition progresses and no interest in finding out) but if that happens I suspect it will be portrayed as my fault for 'abandoning' them.