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Elderly parents
Original poster

How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

100 replies

Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 10:50

My brother cares for my mum. When he is away (for up to 2 weeks at a time), it all falls to me.

I have two young children and it’s simply too much. Everytime I do it I become unwell. I have vocalized this and am being firm
about needing carers to help with future times he’s away.

My mum has turned really nasty. Said I don’t care about her, she’s not asking for much, it doesn’t take much of my time etc. She’s told me how nasty I am and she said i clearly don’t want her around and don’t love her like she thought i did. She said this is the lowest point in her life and im being unfair in daring to say I can’t do the ‘few things’ she needs.

This is quite a high level of care in my opinion - dressing/undressing, ass wiping, commode emptying, shoes and socks on and off, cooking meals, cleaning, helping her shower.

How do I stand firm? I cannot do NC as they help me out too with childcare sometimes and I don’t have anyone else to ask!

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 02/09/2026 10:59

YANBU Can you find a reliable alternative babysitter and then make it clear that you will not be providing personal care again? The answer is simply NO. Look for a recommendation of a local care agency.

Your brother certainly needs a break too.

You can still offer to do a weekly shop for her, or drop her at the hair salon but what is being expected of you at the moment is too much.

Octavia64 · 02/09/2026 11:04

Presumably your mum is not caring for your children, your brother is.

so what your mum thinks doesn’t really matter but if you stop doing care when he is away he’ll presumably stop doing the childcare.

you will need to decide how much you need your brother.

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2026 11:06

Don’t use them for childcare. Speak to your brother about respite care.

Justbrieme · 02/09/2026 11:13

We had all of this with DH’s mother. We also had a family member abroad who was extremely vocal in backing her up without this having a massive impact on the day to day for them.

We set limits, they were both unhappy, so be it.

DH was extremely good at not falling for the emotional manipulation. I learned a lot from him.

Ohcrap082024 · 02/09/2026 11:13

You’re absolutely right to hold firm on what you are and aren’t able to do in terms of caring for your mum.

But there are bigger questions in all of this. Why is you brother providing all the care (including personal) for almost every day of the year?

Also, has there been a care assessment for mum and a carer’s assessment for your brother? We are going through this as a family and it is really difficult. The assessment process is exhausting but essential to get support needed longer term. Is your mum open to this?

You will struggle to get carers for mum to support you while your DB is away if that’s not her usual routine. Unless you pay through the nose.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/09/2026 11:14

Your brother helps your mum with dressing and undressing, toileting etc? It sounds like a very tough life for him and with added childcare for you too. What about his life? How often does he go away?

If you don't want to do it then you and he need to look at respite care for your mum. I can sort of understand why she feels you don't care though. Your brother is taking the brunt of it.

amber763 · 02/09/2026 11:16

Of course you can say no but if my sister wasn't helping me care for my mum and leaving it all to me then wouldn't give me a break for a couple of weeks a year, would I fuck be watching her kids.

Original poster
Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 11:23

He lives there so can do things more easily and doesn’t have any other responsibilities e.g. partner or children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 11:24

He is away about 8 weeks a year in total and I pay for him to have a holiday too!

OP posts:
Pearlstillsinging · 02/09/2026 11:29

You need a carers assessment, in your own right to start with. Then you can tell DM and DB that the advice is have a care needs assessment for your mum so that you can all get support
Contact your local council, they probably have a 'One Stop Shop",/ Single Point of Access for advice.

Mumtotornadoes · 02/09/2026 11:44

You don't to ask someone for help but refuse to help them imo. If you want their help, you have to help them.

That said, it's a huge amount of care, but then so is childcare if the kids are young. I won't be providing any care to my elderly parents so I don't judge, but I also don't ask them for a thing and they don't do anything for me.

I really don't think you can be asking your brother who is already caring for your elderly mother to a high degree to look after your kids (TBF- at all) while refusing to help so he can have a break.

WiltedLettuce · 02/09/2026 11:53

Your brother cares for your mum for the whole year, apart from 8 weeks. He deserves that holiday. And he shouldn't be doing childcare for you on top of what he's already doing for your mum. Any solution cannot be at his expense imo, he's already doing enough and should get time away from being a carer.

The first thing is for you to find alternative childcare. That removes this complication. Then you don't feel 'blackmailed' into providing care and can set your boundaries. It's up to you whether you provide care or not, no one can make you do it.

The second thing is to recognise that you're not the only one with choices. Your brother should equally be able to decide to walk away from caring for your mum, and if that's what he wants, the two of you need to discuss how that can happen. Can he move out, can she afford to pay for care, what care would she be entitled to from the local authority?

I'm assuming your solution isn't that your brother stops going away and doesn't get a break from being a carer. Because that's no solution at all.

SunshineSpice · 02/09/2026 12:03

Does your brother work? I do feel if the sexes were reversed in this scenario the comments would be different. YANBU.

Viviennemary · 02/09/2026 12:07

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2026 11:06

Don’t use them for childcare. Speak to your brother about respite care.

If they do childcare for you it does make things a bit more awkward. But if you can't manage this level of care for your Mum something else needs to be put in place. But you need to be prepared for them not to do any more childcare.

Justbrieme · 02/09/2026 12:27

Viviennemary · 02/09/2026 12:07

If they do childcare for you it does make things a bit more awkward. But if you can't manage this level of care for your Mum something else needs to be put in place. But you need to be prepared for them not to do any more childcare.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. If your mother needs outside care and it absolutely sounds like she does then they are not appropriate for using for childcare. It is way too much to put on them.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2026 12:36

I presume it’s not your mum providing childcare if she needs help with her own toileting?

Do you mean your brother cares for her most of the year AND does childcare for you?! The poor man must be on his knees.

If you don’t want to help her, then find carers, but you need to sort your own childcare. Paid childcare.

Original poster
Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 12:36

Just to clarify, I am there most days doing something for her, but it’s not sole care as my brother is there.

When it’s just me things like getting her ready for bed mean it’s a late night for my dc.

OP posts:
WiltedLettuce · 02/09/2026 12:37

What childcare does your brother do?

Original poster
Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 12:37

He also doesn’t drive so I am the one who drives her to all her appointments (some are weekly, others are less frequent).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dottyraindrops · 02/09/2026 12:38

It’s not a regular arrangement as I pay for childcare while I am at work. Tomorrow he’ll be doing 9-11am.

OP posts:
TheWildZebra · 02/09/2026 13:41

amber763 · 02/09/2026 11:16

Of course you can say no but if my sister wasn't helping me care for my mum and leaving it all to me then wouldn't give me a break for a couple of weeks a year, would I fuck be watching her kids.

💯 agree with this.

Ohcrap082024 · 02/09/2026 13:53

It really does sound like that the whole family situation needs looking at because your mum’s level of need is really quite high. She may not think it is, but it is.

And yes, this is too much for you on your own. Especially when you have your own dc to look after. It is also too much for your brother by the sounds of it. Yes, he lives there full time so naturally will do more if the cooking and cleaning. But the level of personal care is not appropriate IMO.

I say this as someone in a similar position to you. I have had to be very clear with my mum and sibling - carers coming in or care home. No ifs, no buts.

If they won’t agree, you will have to leave them to it and sort out childcare yourself. That will then force the issue.

Edited to add: Often the sibling who doesn’t live at home can see the problems more clearly and so has to be the one to force a care assessment for both the parent and the carer.

Holidaysearchfilter · 02/09/2026 14:38

Does your DM ckaim attendance allowance ?

It sounds like she should

It is not means tested

Your BBrother if under state pension age should claim carers allowance if he is not working or working as per the cap. This will pay his National Insurance contributions while he is not working

Use attendance allowance to buy in help

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