How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

[Dottyraindrops]

My brother cares for my mum. When he is away (for up to 2 weeks at a time), it all falls to me.

I have two young children and it’s simply too much. Everytime I do it I become unwell. I have vocalized this and am being firm
about needing carers to help with future times he’s away.

My mum has turned really nasty. Said I don’t care about her, she’s not asking for much, it doesn’t take much of my time etc. She’s told me how nasty I am and she said i clearly don’t want her around and don’t love her like she thought i did. She said this is the lowest point in her life and im being unfair in daring to say I can’t do the ‘few things’ she needs.

This is quite a high level of care in my opinion - dressing/undressing, ass wiping, commode emptying, shoes and socks on and off, cooking meals, cleaning, helping her shower.

How do I stand firm? I cannot do NC as they help me out too with childcare sometimes and I don’t have anyone else to ask!

So he does 64 weeks of the year and you do 8. Yeah I would keep my gob shut. It’s your brother who has got the shitty end of the stick here, not you.

Your DB should check this, because it will affect his state pension & other benefits

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

If he claims carers allowance, his National Insurance will be paid each year he claims CA

Your DB deserves holidays & respite from caring. It is not easy.
He has little freedom

Well there we go - stop paying for his holidays and use that money to pay for your own childcare.

On the DM front sounds like it’s time for professional carers or a care home if she has the funds. I couldn’t/wouldn’t do personal and overnight care for my DPs however as an only DC that meant carers had to do it. Your DMs situation sounds hard for all concerned but particularly your DB and I don’t blame him for wanting regular breaks from it.

Don't ask for childcare if you won't help out for 2 weeks.

Get a babysitter and ask them to sort carers.

Well there are only 52 weeks per year but no actually the OP can say no when her limits are reached same as anyone else. She had a lot of demands on her time and her mother needs some professional care in addition to the care she is getting from family because the care need is very high.

2 weeks respite for your db doesnt seem too much to ask, particularly given you have help with childcare.

It’s a bit mean not helping them when they help you with child care.

You have every right to set your boundaries.
I would also be very concerned about the volume of work that your DB seems to undertaking, it sounds like an enormous amount of work for him.

Childcare is very different from wiping your own DMs bottom and having to help her in the shower. OP does help, she says she is there daily. Franky if the DM has that plus expects her own adult DS to provide all her personal care, then it’s time to refer her to social services. If she is self funding they don’t do anything, but I do think the DB is entitled to some respite care.

Have you ever done elder care yourself? Just curious.

I have a disabled sister and came under enormous family pressure to provide care.

At a certain point you have to just keep repeating “this is what I can do, I can’t do more” and if they’re angry/upset about that then they can feel that way.

Their feelings don’t control your actions, you just have to learn to feel comfortable ignoring them and repeating yourself.

YANBU. Tell your DM she doesn’t love you as you thought she did, after all, no decent parent would want this responsibility (burden) for their adult children in the prime of their life.
Sort out your own childcare and step away.

I was caring for my grandmother all while recovering from a head injury. In the end, the Consultant I was under said he was going to admit me to a recovery unit if I didn't stop and he did a social services referral for my Nan which meant that care started (she was extremely unhappy about it, as were my Mum/Aunt/Uncle) who were as much help as wet paper bags. I look back now, thinking I must have been not of sound mind to even let them all put that on me.

The only person who can stand up for you is you, I'm sad to say. And your health is no less important than your DM's.

Agree with this. I had over 10 years of struggling with my elderly father who appreciated bugger all and it nearly killed me.

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you as a loving mother in her position expect your daughter to do what she’s expecting of you at the expense of your own grandchildren? No - of course not.

You can’t always look after everyone Sometime you have to pick. Pick your children and yourself.

Your poor brother. What a life.

Jeeze. Your poor brother. Caring for her 24/7, 44 weeks a year AND doing occasional childcare for you. And then his sister moans about his having a total of eight weeks away from his caring responsibilities, as if that's totally unreasonable.

Your mum needs care so that he can have a life, frankly.

But OP should at least get to say whether she personally feels able to provide respite care or not. It's not automatically on her.

I was just thinking the same tbh.

It sounds to me like you and your DB both do a lot for your Mum. If I've understood correctly you visit daily and take her to appointments at least once a week whilst your DB lives with her and does a lot of personal care for her. I think there's no wonder that when your brother goes away you can't also do everything he usually does for her.

I agree with a pp that the whole family needs to think again at how her care is managed. Who decided that you and your brother would care for her without any paid carers and what were her needs at that time? How does your brother feel about bringing in paid carers?

I think you all need to consider
a) Are you and DB happy to continue doing what you currently do (other than holidays) or is it time for extra regular help?
b) If you are happy to continue, what are the options for paid respite care? Would you mum cope with the changes in her routine if she had paid care just to cover holidays, or would it be better to slowly change her regular regime to include more paid care?
c) How are her needs likely to change in the medium/longer term and how would you manage those increased needs?

I have a similar situation in that my mum and brother have decided that Mum should not have any paid care, despite having quite high needs that will only increase over time. I have had to stand firm about what I can offer to do and unfortunately that has been interpreted as me expecting my brother to everything else and never having a break (when actually what I am saying is that it is too much for both of us and we need outside help so we can both have a break and deal with our other commitments). So I know these discussions are not easy, but need to happen- hopefully your brother will be more realistic.

I wouldn't take your Mum's comments and nastiness to heart. From my own experience and those of friends, it seems quite common for older people who need help to lose sight of how much their children are actually doing to help them and the impact that might be having on their own lives and families. My Mum, who not that many years ago was complaining about how selfish and unreasonable a friend was because she expected her DD to do things that are far less than I currently do for DM, says similar things to me if I won't/can't come running to deal with every non-urgent issue immediately. I try to remember that she is frustrated, unhappy and probably scared of the situation- it's not really me she's annoyed with. But that doesn't mean it's sensible for me to give in to the emotional blackmail.

My way of standing firm and dealing with the complaints about how difficult things are for them/things mum would like to do but can't without more help from me etc is to just repeat some version of 'Yes, that must be really difficult. This is one of the reasons that I think some outside help would be better for everyone.'

Thank you. For those saying I should just do the care to gift him a break, I’d love to know how you would fit it all into a day. I am a single parent, work from 8-5 and have children to take to nursery and school as well as clubs etc. That alone is full on never mind having to factor in going round to mum’s before an after work, plus all the care she needs and running my house and hers!!

Im sorry if it makes me unreasonable but I simply can’t do all that is required of me. My children are my priority (my mother finds this hard as she feels she should be my first priority as she did everything for me when I was young).

Ignore the people saying you should do it, it’s very easy for them to sit behind a keyboard virtuously imagining that they would selflessly and kindly do x, y and z. They’re not actually in your situation.

Bottom line is your mother has other options, and you can only do the amount that you feel you can do. That’s not something anybody else can judge or contradict as none of us are actually in your shoes.

In my experience of people saying that it is usually because they have no experience with having these demands, young children, a job and an elderly person with high care needs. It is just naivety. Any one who knows, knows @Dottyraindrops

Don’t allow your DM to guilt trip you like this. It’s not fair of her. You are already the FT carer for 2 humans. You need to find an alternative source of ad-hoc childcare and tell your DB / DM that you cannot do so much and recommend they get a care assessment for her and get help in. Sounds like it is an unreasonable amount for you DB too! Then stop the majority of what you do and go round once a week for a mainly social visit - and leave if gets nasty!