How can I stand firm about care for my elderly mum?

[Dottyraindrops]

My brother cares for my mum. When he is away (for up to 2 weeks at a time), it all falls to me.

I have two young children and it’s simply too much. Everytime I do it I become unwell. I have vocalized this and am being firm
about needing carers to help with future times he’s away.

My mum has turned really nasty. Said I don’t care about her, she’s not asking for much, it doesn’t take much of my time etc. She’s told me how nasty I am and she said i clearly don’t want her around and don’t love her like she thought i did. She said this is the lowest point in her life and im being unfair in daring to say I can’t do the ‘few things’ she needs.

This is quite a high level of care in my opinion - dressing/undressing, ass wiping, commode emptying, shoes and socks on and off, cooking meals, cleaning, helping her shower.

How do I stand firm? I cannot do NC as they help me out too with childcare sometimes and I don’t have anyone else to ask!

I don’t think anyone should regard full time caring as being ‘an excuse to avoid a paid job’ any more than a paid job is an excuse to avoid caring. Motivations are complex in all families but I do think people’s choices around caring should be respected if at all possible. After all, Trevor Phillips thinks we should all be doing it.

In my opinion, when someone needs help several times a day just to meet their basic needs and keep them safe outside help should be seen as a necessity, not an optional extra. If family and friends are willing to take this on that's very generous of them but it's unreasonable for one family member to veto using paid carers and expect others to take on caring duties without a say in the matter. My brother/mum have done this, despite the fact that Mum can't/won't spend a night in her home alone so needs someone to be with her from at least 8pm-7am every single day, and I am cast as the bad daughter for refusing to do 'my share'.

OP- what do you think is behind your DB's refusal to consider paid care or to discuss you DM's declining health? Is it emotional-not wanting to accept that she's coming to the end of her life and not wanting to upset her by encouraging her to try carers? Or is it more about his lifestyle. Has he perhaps got used to having to financial responsibilities in exchange for caring duties that (currently) give him a lot of free time in the day? Is he perhaps anxious about what he would do if he was no longer her carer? Understanding the reasons might perhaps help you find a way to persuade him to discuss this.

You should be paying for someone to come in if you refuse to help. After all your brother is carrying the burden and babysitting for you as well.

Her mother can pay for her own care. The OP is already paying for her brother holiday. Plus herself and her own children