Elderly mum buying house with new man! Wtf!

[Greedybilly]

Mum is early 80's widowed 10 years ago. Carved out a nice life for herself. Wife of a couple she has known for years died 6 months ago.
Widow came to her for support and they quickly became a couple.
They are now wanting to both sell up and buy a house together ( after 6 months!)
Also he's a very dominant character and completely takes over every conversation. My kids and partner really dislike him.
Have lightly voiced my concerns to mum - thst it's too soon and that he takes over a bit (alot !!!)
She just laughs it off and is smitten. V worried about how this will pan out.
Anyone with experience/words of wisdom?
Thanks

I would tell her make sure she ring fences her money. She's being very silly.

Do you have Power of Attorney set up? If not, talk to her about getting it done ASAP, don't mention him, focus on the necessity in case of a medical emergency (you need financial and health).

She's at the age when she could easily be taken advantage of if her health declines so it's important to ensure that he doesn't do that.

Edit to say that my FIL (85) is experiencing cognitive issues, it's come on suddenly in the last few months.

I'd be honest with her and ask if she realises if she dies before him then he, and subsequently his children, might inherit everything my dad worked hard for (i.e. her value of the house) and is this what she wants? I'd tell her its her money but I would like her to understand the full implications of her choice. If that is not what she wants, to please speak with a solicitor to ensure her half of the home - and his for that matter - is protected in the case of a death. I am being so blunt with her as I am advocating that my children are not disinherited and I don't think my dad would want that either. If she goes ahead with this would she please let me arrange an appointment with a solicitor for her to discuss this.

Yes I have POA. He's got loads more £££ than her I just have huge alarm bells ringing

Thanks for your responses. I appreciate them

@Greedybilly Ah, so it's more that he's bossy and dominant than financial concerns. He probably likes the idea of her keeping house for him as he's not used to living on his own.

@BruFord- very possibly! :(

Urgh. He’s after a nurse with a purse to look after him. His poor wife only died 6 months ago!

And he doesn’t sound nice at all.

if your mum is in the smitten stage, will she listen to you? But you’d think she’d notice if he’s talking over everyone and being boorish…

I’d be very firm with her re money and inheritance and what your dad would want too.

Good luck. it sounds really tricky.

Isn’t it better if she puts the house in a trust, and her inheritance in a trust.. so she’s under the 23,000 if she needs care…

@thetinsoldier- she's completely smitten! Doesn't seem to notice that the entire family think he's an obnoxious dick.
Thanku 💐- yes it's all very tricky.xx

I think she might need to take the stars out of her eyes, but before that needs to enjoy a bit of a fling with Mr. Lovejoy first.

Do not tell her what (not) to do here. That will make her more determined to go and do it I think! I'd approach it by saying something along the lines of -

It's great mum that you have a companion in Lovejoy, go out and enjoy yourselves, have a few holidays away to make sure you get on ok when it's just the two of you together all the time. Maybe try a month at a stretch in each others houses and see how you get along. If things don't work out for any reason you'll always have your own house to fall back on, it's your security blah blah blah.

I wouldn't phrase it in the negative towards Lovejoy, just couch it in terms of her own security and happiness. For now..... then the big guns come out if she gets foolish notions in her head! All you can do at that stage is point out the pitfalls for HER, not you, or anyone else's inheritance. Just yet anyway.

Well at her age she doesn't have time to mess about waiting to see what develops. However I would want to be assured that it's a mutually supportive relationship and ensure her money is protected so if it all goes wrong she has a get out. I would have thought it would make more sense for them to try living together in one of their houses and rent the other for now .

@paomara-thank-you- wise words.

@RaininSummer- absolutely I've been saying that since they met - telling them to get out and enjoy themselves. But that was before I spent much time with him ( and other family concurred) and before they started looking at houses. All just seems very rushed to me. Wd be saying same to 17 Yr old daughter ( who hopefully has more time to play with!)
Bit of a bloody nightmare tbh

Do not underestimate the loneliness of widowhood. Your mum may seem to have "carved out a nice life for herself" to you but this is how widows cope .... what else can they do? They can't sit around weeping for the rest of their lives and being a pain to those around them. They have to find a way of cracking on.

Please do not be lulled into thinking this means she is happy or that the huge well of loneliness is not still there. Living alone after a lifetime of coupledom is very hard indeed.

Please also bear in mind (and I say this kindly) that your assertion that she has a nice life might also be what you need to believe or to see so that you do not have the burden of feeling responsible for her happiness. The fact that she is making this decision now belies the idea that she has truly been happy.

Maybe she likes his dominant ways; maybe she is tired of being responsible for her own life with no-one there to bounce ideas off, to hand things over to when she has had enough.

This is not a sudden friendship .... she has known him for years so feels confidence that she can trust him.

And there may be ways that her having this man in her life might also make things easier for you.

From her point of view she gains nothing by waiting.... her waiting time is limited ... she is in death's waiting room already and she knows it. She is grabbing a chance of happiness.

You probably feel that she could have the benefits of his companionship without marrying, but it clearly feels important to her. She has soldiered on alone for 10 long years.

This is what I think you should do .... congratulate her with a big hug then at some later point ask if there is anything that you need to talk about with her as her PofA to be sure that you get her financial and care wishes right in this new situation. Do this in an objective rational way rather than with any hint of being aggrieved.

She is a grown adult and is allowed to make her own decisions and her own mistakes.

I am not sure that these are the "words of wisdom" that you were hoping to hear but they are from the heart as I too am widowed and all the world thinks I am coping so well because that is what I choose for them to see as I do not want my family burdened with worry about me. They do not know the daily pain and sense of loss that are the underlying threads running through my life.

Be happy for your mum.

Somewhat different situation but be very careful.

I am in a rotten situation with my Aunt's FWB claiming on her estate. If you want to talk feel free to DM.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5513909-update-to-aibu-to-refuse-aunts-fwb-claim-on-her-estate?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Honestly why do people think they have to get complicated again in their 80s. Can’t they just be together and make it simple. I’ve never understood this. Buying a house together is primarily a financial contract. I’ll be damned if I’m ever going through the rigmarole of that shite ever again. It’s so stupid. And unnecessary.

Aw @Mischance- I am sorry for your loss. X
I know mum's been very brave but also lonely in the past few years - and I know she's wanted 'someone to do nothing with' for a long time- which I totally understand. In someways I can stop worrying about her being lonely but I don't want her to be 'any port in a storm '.
But yes she's a grown adult and is grasping a chance which is unlikely to come again which I would do too. We all think the world of her and are happy if she's happy but a bit sad that we can't have a normal/any conversation if he's around.
Which he is 24/7
I do hear you though and take my hat off to anyone widowed.x

Adult kids often think their widowed parent is coping fine/should be happy with just family connections and completely discount that they have every right and reason to want a romantic partner, sex, sharing. Particularly if they have been used to this in their marriage.
Lucky her finding a man she adores. Yes it could go wrong, but same at any age. Don’t patronize her simply because she is old.
That you don’t like him is irrelevant did she police your choice of partner?

Then you need to tell her exactly what you think. Don’t sugar coat it, sit her down and calmly tell her what you think and what your worries are.

My grandad married again in his 80s.. similar situation with the previously being couple friends and time scales etc. After worries kindly being raised by both sides they did ring fence inheritance and house (both were similarly middle class levels of wealth and health) and both my dad and her son got poa. It was stressful at the time but it is get sorted .I'm the end they had a good few years then he died and she moved in to a home.. is still alive and is almost 100..far as am awaree not married again!

@sugarplumlilyyes it does feel like it's unnecessarily complicating things. He's got more money than sense though and maybe mum likes yhe thought of setting up home/nesting again.
If he would just stfu occasionally things would be much easier .

Just let her enjoy herself, she doesn't have much time left.

This!

@clareykb- glad it worked out for them.x