Elderly mum buying house with new man! Wtf!

[Greedybilly]

Mum is early 80's widowed 10 years ago. Carved out a nice life for herself. Wife of a couple she has known for years died 6 months ago.
Widow came to her for support and they quickly became a couple.
They are now wanting to both sell up and buy a house together ( after 6 months!)
Also he's a very dominant character and completely takes over every conversation. My kids and partner really dislike him.
Have lightly voiced my concerns to mum - thst it's too soon and that he takes over a bit (alot !!!)
She just laughs it off and is smitten. V worried about how this will pan out.
Anyone with experience/words of wisdom?
Thanks

My own mother is 85, widowed 2 years ago. Very soon after the man in the house opiate (widower for about 10 years shyly made his move) and they are now a couple.
He is about 7 years younger -takes her out to interesting places.
My siblings and I are delighted she has companionship and fun -much for interacting life than if she stayed indoors grieving and only.

@KittyCorncrake- I've been under no illusion that she's not been lonely since dad died. I've encouraged her to go out/find a new man many times. I work with older people and I know infantalised they get!
I'm really not patronising her - she has every right to a new man. It's just all very speedy ( more for his family than hers) - and he's very controlling/arrogant/takes up all the oxygen .
We've all come to realise this individually whilst trying desperately hard to be thrilled for her and to say ' he's not so bad'.

Fwiw old people can also be abusive/abused. My gran is still with the absolute wanker partner she met later in life because apparently being financially and physically abused is better than being alone 🙄

The best way to cope with it as a child/grandchild is to separate her from him. Take her for coffee, shopping, be extremely clear that you want mother/daughter time.

Was she a housewife to your dad? I'm surprised she'd want to wash anyone's socks and pants ever again. Why don't they rent together to test it out?

@KittyCorncrake- that sounds amazing for your mum! Shy would be a blessing in this case. My family situation sounds quite different tho and he really is an obnoxious t*at.x

You do need to tell her your doubts and that none of you like him. Don't pretend. She might well think that you want her to meet someone new, and you all seem to like him well enough. Be really clear with her.

Why can’t she just rent her place out and move in with him. I’m not sure why people keep talking as though buying a house together is the only cure for loneliness. People can and do spend all their time together between two houses and/or rent one out.

If he's got money, I wouldn't be too concerned. If they want to be there for one another for whatever time they've got left, good on them. Rather than living together in one or the other's house (which will contain memories of that past relationship), they may want to create their own space. And who knows, it may be to your DM's and your siblings advantage to have someone else there looking out for her welfare. I'd just ensure that you and/or your siblings have her PoA sorted. He may be obnoxious in your eyes; your DM obviously sees something else in him. I wish you all well for the future.

I appreciate everyone's comments

Why do they need to buy together?
I knew a couple like this but they each kept their own house. Lived together in either house.

He may appear well off but appearances can be very deceptive.
Tread carefully. You don't want to push her into his arms.

Exactly this. Unless you have iron clad proof he is financially solvent etc.

You do know you can’t invoke POA to stop someone making bad decisions?

if she wants to move in with this man and make whatever financial decisions then she can.

health and welfare is only invoked if they really can’t decide for themselves. Severe dementia, coma etc.

LPA financial can be invoked at any point by the donor if they want assistance, but otherwise you can’t step in unless they agree or aren’t competent. And competency has a high bar.

@Mischance I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Anyone who is widowed after a long and happy marriage, would understand. We always have to put on ‘a good show’ for our families, so they can live their lives without concerns for us. Doesn’t mean we cope well all the time. It can be so very lonely.

Socially, if he is boorish and talks over people, you are allowed to shush him and raise your voice above him to continue what you are saying!

Never forget that parents have been known to be concerned about the spouses their adult children choose ..... simply not liking them cuts no ice.

It works both ways.

Someone might feel that their older parent is making an unwise decision just as a parent might feel the same about their adult child.

Once someone is an adult they have to make their own decisions unless there is an additional vulnerability that needs taking into consideration e.g an adult child with learning difficulties or and older person with early dementia.

Was she a housewife to your dad? I'm surprised she'd want to wash anyone's socks and pants ever again.

@Agapornis My Dad married my lovely SM at 70 and he was like this, wanted her to look after him...and she'd had enough of doing that for her late husband!
It caused some arguments. I think it's a generational thing, some men in their 80's expect to be looked after, because that's what they were brought up with.

@Ireallycantthinkofagoodone- my mum would sometimes tell me she got lonely- i never thought she wouldn't be after losing a hubby of 50 years tbh.

I too an recently widowed and my family and friends all say how brave/amazing l am/how well l am coping etc.
They don't see me in the evenings, the house is like the Marie Celeste, the loneliness is overwhelming, l can hardly breathe sometimes.

@Sudagame they mean well, but sometimes you just need someone to be honest enough to say that it is shit. I hope the grieving process treads as lightly as possible on you, I am sorry for your loss 💐

Is he after someone to look after him
and eventually care for him? Mine was widowed relatively young and there were a host of single men in their 70s and 80s who appeared to be looking for a woman to organise their lives for them. Do the washing, cooking, cleaning and eventually be a carer. It was noticeable in the bereavement group - the widows mostly chose to stay single, the widowers all got together with someone else within six months!

Mine didn’t want to start washing men’s socks and pants again so never succumbed, although was lonely, unsurprisingly. Getting out and joining in with local social activities rather than being dependent on family helped (although she’d love to be dependent on family if I lived nearer!).

Could you encourage them to rent together or live in one house for a bit? That would help test the water and get past the novelty of dating stage into the reality of living with someone. And should reveal who ends up doing the washing up and laundry!

She is an adult and she does sound like she has capacity to make big decisions like this, but she also sounds quite vulnerable. You need to talk to her without him around and ask her to wait. 6 months is too soon to be making such a big commitment on a relationship- at any age. How is she going to get out of it if it doesn’t work out? That is a very real possibility when she moves past the smitten stage. Just ask her to slow down! Time will tell if it’s a lasting relationship or not

This is exactly the same with my FIL. Though he met his extremely obnoxious around 24-7 won’t ever shut up new wife internet dating. Everyone hates her. They were married within a year. He has sold his house and moved in with her. He’s the one with more money. I highly doubt he’s ringfenced his money. She talks about ‘our money’. We don’t understand why make things complicated at this stage in life. They could have just lived separately and gone on lots of holidays. She’s awful though and very manipulative and undoubtedly after his money. Nothing any of us can do. Sympathies.

Does he have children of his own? If so and he is genuinely more wealthy, then they may be worried about the complications of him buying with your Mum as well. Are they planning to marry?
Definitely make sure she ring fences her money and if she puts money in, she must be on the deeds obviously.

Also wondering why they don’t just move in together and rent the other house out…..trying to co-ordinate two sales and a purchase will be very stressful.

The DM of a friend of mine married a horrid man when she was in her 80s. This was his third marriage.

When the DM got ill he refused to allow anyone in to help take care of her even though they had plenty of money and could have paid for help if he didn’t want family helping.

when the DM died he inherited everything even things that had belonged to my friend’s DF. He sold the DMs house and gave the proceeds to his DC from his first marriage.

it was very distressing for my friend as they didn’t get jewellery willed to them and other sentimental items like photos. It had all “gone missing”.

Unfortunately warnings to the DM before they married went unheeded.

Unfortunately warnings to the DM before they married went unheeded.

In the same way as such warnings go unheeded with anyone planning to marry someone we personally do not like or can see potential problems with ....young middle-aged, whatever..... it is all the same. The important factor is that anyone over 18 is an adult and has the right to make their own decisions and mistakes.
This man may not be to the family's taste but that is irrelevant. The family will only be with him for small amounts of time. He will be with mum for all those swathes of time when she was not with family and used to be alone.
Family have to just suck up their dislike of him. Harsh but true.
Mum knows him really well from years of contact and is allowed to make her choice even if it proves to be a mistake just as all adults do. Who knows there may have been a longstanding attraction ......