Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Can I have an 'excellent daughter gold star' please?
We have had our eyes tested and my mum has ordered new glasses.

The process was relatively painless, Specsavers were lovely and amazingly her eyes aren't much different from 10years ago when she last had them properly tested (she was somewhat smug about this).

⭐️ Well done!

I’ve been lurking on this thread since I posted in a panic (in May? June?) about my mother’s house move.

She chose a flat, moved and sold her house within something like 8 weeks, which was a real whirlwind. No time to really whittle down possessions.

I’m happy that she’s safe now and not going to be a victim of some combination of slipping outside, tripping over the dog, getting stuck in the lift and/or not having a working phone.

We all thought she’d enjoy socialising here as there’s so much genuinely interesting stuff to do (lots of classes, groups, films, trips) but she is sleeping a lot and has barely left her flat on her own aside from taking the dog out. I’m telling myself to be patient and let her take the time to recover from such a huge life change.

The new place is fine but there are so many teething problems, and whenever I try to get my arms around one she will add a few more to the pile, which is overwhelming. The food in the dining room (which she only pays for if she eats there, like a restaurant) has gone from spectacular to institutional in the space of a couple of months, which is disappointing as we were counting on it to help her have friends over since she really isn’t organised enough to do it herself.

DM is an artist and the living room in her house was double height and covered in her pictures, which are now stacked up on end in the hallway. (Many were still boxed up but she had a visit from some “helpful” friends who unpacked them despite having nowhere to put them, argh!!)

It’s all fine but also slightly shit. We are not in the trenches, it’s just the ordinary sadness of seeing someone you love struggling with getting older.

I have no idea how long this transition will take. I’m very glad I wasn’t the one pushing her to move (it was her idea) so I’m not being blamed for it, but I’m getting some of the heat from her unhappiness.

@trainedopossum

Moving house is a massive thing, even as a much younger person. Nothing is quite as you remember from the viewing, nothing you own quite fits etc.
Even though she knows its the right thing and sensible, it's still a recognition that she is getting older and struggling.

Can you help her hang the pictures? Or supervise a handyman to do it in an afternoon. Hopefully that would make it feel like home?

Can you find out why the food has changed so much? Rising costs, new/temp chef?

Yes, I hear it’s a new chef.

I can’t hang anything myself, she has to get someone from maintenance to do it, they offer it as a service.

I have done virtually everything I can do for this move, I’ve now been here a further three weeks with one more to go and it’s a long haul flight away. I can’t do everything. We’ll get there.

@trainedopossumI feel for you, it’s so depressing when you get to the stage where it’s like whackamole and every time you solve a problem, two more pop up and your efforts in resolving the issues are never acknowledged or thanked. The core of it is that the elderly person wants to be 25 again and independent, not to acknowledge their frailties and dependencies on you and others.

At least your DM is in a safe place and is being fed, even if it’s not up to her exacting standards. When DPS first moved to care home, DM seemed massively disappointed and angry about the place - although it had been her idea. As DH and I were the ones who picked the place albeit with literally no notice because of the circumstances, I used to try to jolly her out of her complaints, but then I realised that actually she just needed to mourn the loss of things, so I tried to acknowledge that she had some lovely carers at home and it was a shame that the ones at the care home weren’t as nice. Gradually it wore off as she became accustomed to her surroundings and you know what, it isn’t perfect, but it’s highly unlikely anywhere would have been.

rookiemere thanks, she’s not being fed exactly, she opted out of the meal plan so the dining room functions more as a social space and restaurant for her, but that’s how we decided to do it (for a variety of reasons, one being that we doubted she would ever eat a significant number of her meals there) and can change it at any time. She likes to potter over coffee and snacks and while I’m not thrilled with her diet, she’s not losing weight and I think this is fine for now.

The concept of whackamole is spot on, as an age-related thing as well as being specific to DM’s personality. If I propose that we sit down to answer a question/solve a problem, she will immediately attempt to slot in two or three (usually trivial or at least not time sensitive) issues that she insists need to be dealt with beforehand (and then will similarly attempt to stonewall dealing with those issues, ad infinitum). It’s like that word problem of if you take a step toward a destination point, and the next step is half the distance of the first and the third step is half the distance of the second etc will you ever reach your destination. She cannot prioritise, which means everything is overhung with a sense of chaos.

Atm she keeps pushing a plan to meet some old friends (70 year friendships!) who live a 1.5 hour drive away. I’ve been suggesting this meetup for literally months and I would drive her there (and I’d enjoy it myself), but she has deprioritised it until 10 days before I leave (this is textbook for her). Her friends will only plan a maximum of 10 days ahead and are only free on weekends and my mum’s dog walker needs to be booked well in advance at weekends so never the twain shall meet. As usual we’re caught in this purgatory of a non-plan that is forever being non-planned 😀

My mum has always been a bit chaotic and this particular pantomime sucks a lot of energy out of me, so there’s a long story about what’s going on 😀

And there’s the added family dynamic of an only daughter of a single mother and since covid my visits are longer to offset the travel costs etc etc. God bless you if you’ve read all that 🙃 and thanks for this space to vent ❤️

Eta: I’m sure you’re right about making the adjustment, we discussed that this will take time. DM agrees but simultaneously has an inflated sense of her abilities and expects to be exceptionally brilliant at things so is surprised to be struggling. She’s very lovable and funny and idiosyncratic which is good I guess? 😀

Evening all. Back from my weekly visit to DM.

Is anyone else noticing increased agitation in their elderly relatives? I think DM's dementia may have taken a step forward but was wondering if the change in the season could be playing a part.

There’s also my panicky feeling of time running out which I should try to get on top of really, it doesn’t help me.

We’re so lucky in so many ways. At the same age my beloved grandmother was suffering with vascular dementia and may have been in a care home by then. My mother was so afraid of dementia and she’s doing very well considering what could have been.

It’s hard to feel like you’re doing enough of the right things. I worry that some of what I see as problem solving is actually kind of cornering her and forcing her to go forward. How much of that is for my own benefit so we’re not sitting with the same problems forever? And I’m aware of how worried I am about others thinking that I’m responsible for some of the more potty stuff, like these friends who emptied boxes, did they think I’d just left my mum in a pile of her moving boxes when we’d spent many hours carefully unpacking, laying out and categorising her paintings, setting some aside for hanging etc so we could avoid overwhelm and chaos. Argh 🙃

@trainedopossum , there's no good answers but you have my sympathy

@trainedopossum

Cornering and pushing forward is a good description...like a lamb?
Sometimes you just have to force the solution, sometimes it's a just throw some fucking money at the problem. Sometimes it requires an appointment or she just doesn't know how do it in 2026.

I also have the widowed mother only child issue. But I live close by and can try to sort things out on a rolling basis.

That sounds like a disabled person's trust which is totally above board, the portion of the estate goes into trust for the recipient instead of them having to manage it themselves.

Mittens “like a lamb” 😀😀😀 That made me really lol, you put a very gentle spin on it ❤️
Bless you, I’m not sure if living nearby would be better or worse. My mum and her mum lived in each other’s pockets and I moved thousands of miles away to have an adventure. The only child experience is so different I think, not necessarily easier/harder but intense… and in my case a bit warped 😀 Do you have children yourself?
I’m all in favour of throwing money at a problem if it seems like it will help. That’s what this new place is all about tbh.
Thanks for your input, this thread is an oasis.

My daughter is an only child and I've really try to make sure that all my affairs are in order, LPA signed well in advance etc etc because it's such a lot for one person to shoulder and I don't want to put her through too much if she needs to start organising my care in the future.

Eclipsing very thoughtful and responsible parent admin ❤️

DM has always said that what’s hers is effectively mine which is generous and sweet, but naive! We’ve done some admin - up to date Will, LPoA, a bank form that would make available money to pay her bills after death etc. It’s not easy to approach these matters.

Yes, my DF has become more agitated this past week. My DM mentioned it to me a few days ago - she seems to find it embarrassing as if it's something he does on purpose - and I witnessed it today when I was there for my weekly visit.

He can't speak, but will groan and bite his hand when agitated. For a good few months he was much calmer, but the agitation has become apparent again over the past month and definitely has increased in volume now.

It's horrible to witness.

Hoping it’s ok to post here. How do you stop having the constant urge to fix things and make up to them the fact they are old and frail? How do you keep your own life and all the balls you are juggling going? I’m so conflicted 😐

@FlossieKirkpatrickwelcome, of course you can post here, sounds like you need it.
I don’t have any great answers for you other than it’s really hard and sometimes you must put yourself first even if it feels fundamentally wrong and selfish. If there’s anything that can be easily outsourced and they have funding for it, that’s a good place to start so cleaning and gardening for example.
If you tell us more about your situation, I am sure we can offer some suggestions or more likely just empathise.

My DH is an only child and I am very grateful that MIL has done the same. She had to go through the difficulties of sorting things for FIL when he lost capacity almost over night with no LPA etc so set up her LPA shortly afterwards. However, for anyone considering this, I'd say it's just as important (maybe more so) for those with more than one child. For anyone with more than one child, my advice is to set things up so that they could work even if your DC fall out. My DM very naively seems to have assumed that my brother and I would be the best of friends by the time she needed any help or care so didn't arrange anything on the basis that we would just all pull together and help out. We are now facing a situation where I suspect she will lose capacity with no LPA because brother insists it should be assigned to him but doesn't think it's a big deal and won't do anything about it. Mum's already far less able to assess the situation clearly and won't disagree with him so there is nothing I can do. I'd also suggest discussing care/medical and financial arrangements/preferences etc with family well in advance and putting together some sort of letter or wishes. We are in the position where Mum is really not able to think further than 'I don't want anything to change'. If we had something written by her before she got to this stage it would be much easier to know what she would have actually wanted if she was able to properly understand the situation. And in my case much easier to counter brother's insistence that we should have no outside help because 'it's not what Mum wants'.

Totally agree with @rookiemere and @bigdogpaws . My DM has LPAs but we didnt have the conversation about EOL care. DB is now insisting on DM receiving treatments on the grounds that 'it is what DF would have done for DM'.

DM has also used her Will to try to manipulate DBs and me into working together to administer a trust fund.

It took me something over 10 years (!!) to get my mother to agree to doing an LPA. She eventually did with bad grace, but only for financial affairs, and although it's registered it's not activated.

She won't let my sister and I near her finances if she can help it (which is quite hurtful actually, does she think we're out to rob her?). Can't do any internet banking. Can't see to sign cheques. Has to go into town by bus to withdraw any cash. Says my brother can help her with it all (he's the only one of us not named on the LPA and the only one of us to have already been scammed several times over the years.).

What could possibly go wrong?

I think she genuinely thought that if necessary we could just sign stuff on her behalf etc. She dealt with my grandmother's estate and my father's but they both died around the turn of the century when regulations were much laxer!

When I told her that without LPA there was no way we could legally access her money, eg to pay the bills to keep the roof over my brother's head, she glared at me and told me I'd just have to do it illegally then!!

I can't offer advice on how to care less or how to wash your hands of ridiculous situations, because it's taken me most of my life to reach that point. But my mother's stubbornness and rudeness has gone a long way to relieving me of the emotional caring load.

As for discussing EoL care, she is very opposed to voluntary euthanasia and any attempt to talk about EoL is likely to be taken as a suggestion that we bump her off, and a whole landslide of nastiness towards us will be unleashed.

So whatever her wishes may be, they will remain unknown, and that's down to her.

I’m avoiding ringing mine because she’s asked for something I cannot achieve. I suspect it’s a Mexican standoff. She’s not ringing so she can assume I’ve achieved it. I’m not ringing because I don’t want to tell her I haven’t and then face the tears and recriminations.

What a waste of energy.

DM had cancer when she was in her 60s and was adamant that she wanted any and all treatments to give her as much time as possible. After several years of very invasive and unpleasant treatments she got the all clear and has been cancer free ever since (now in her 80s). So, of course, everyone in the family agrees she made the decision. Brother is currently using this as 'proof; that Mum wants us to always insist on any and all possible treatments for any illness. He is livid that I have suggested discussing ReSPECT forms/end of life care etc whilst Mum still able to express an opinion. The last time I suggested we discuss this Brother's comment to Mum was along the lines of 'She wants to talk about you signing something to say they're allowed to not give you treatment if you are ill. You'd always want to have medication to get better if you were poorly wouldn't you?' I have given up now. In her current state, Brother is telling her what she wants to hear- that she's fine and will get better soon, she doesn't need to make any big changes and he and his family will live with her so she can stay in her own home without any outside help and everything will go back to normal when that happens. According to Brother and his partner (who apparently knows someone who knows all about this), they don't really need LPA etc because they will be living together as one big family so they can just sort everything out between them 'if' Mum can't manage any more. All I can do is watch from the space in the sidelines reserved for Bad Daughters until it all goes wrong.

Come and sit next to me, @bigdogpaws . It's actually quite peaceful in the Bad Daughter corner once you get used to it, and there's plenty of gin to hand.