Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

DF is self funding so we could add a fifth call, but often he soils just after the carer has been because they feed him and it makes his bowel activate so it wouldn't fix any issues with sitting in a wet pad. He has moisture damage already from hospital even though he buzzed every time he needed the toilet. We organise DF's haircuts, foot care and dental appointments. I cut his fingernails myself. He didn't want me to buy new clothes before and refused to cooperate with any new changes including clothing, but since he has been less cognitively able I just buy new clothes for him and he wears them so at least he doesn't look like a hobo.

It would really annoy me if he went into a care home and was paying for things like hairdressers etc and not getting that service provided.

Clothing for DM was one of the things I was quite firm with DB about. IMO it was important that DM still looked as though care was being taken about her appearance even though she wasnt aware. DB was honest that he didnt really notice clothes so I was happy to take on this responsibility.

The CH laundry is pretty brutal. Fortunately I sew so was able to keep DM supplied with easy to put on tops.

The Capacity assessment was not what I had hoped for but was inevitable. My Stepfather lied and said he could manage on his own. The Social worker was not convinced and is going to come back at some point with another social worker. They've asked for details of all the things Mum was doing for him. We wrote that email last night - it took an hour to formulate.

But. My Mum is in my house with me and safe!

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE you are doing an amazing job by advocating so much for your DM and keeping her safe. Can you keep the two of them apart- then it doesn’t matter so much what happens with SF ?

That is exactly what I am doing, we have left him in the cottage (on our land, ~50 metres away) and Mum is in my house. There is a falls alarm that alerts me and my husband if he falls in the property. If we are not here, they will send an ambulance.

The night before last I told my mum to put a door wedge in from her side of the bedroom door. Just as well as he kept knocking and trying to get in and shouting.

But she is safe with me now.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE Im glad your Mum is safe.

Ive just been to visit my Mum, she is in a CH and has advanced dementia. For the last two visits she has clearly been hearing voices as she is asking them questions. I also find having a conversation with her very difficult.

Is it OK that we sit in silence some of the time? I know just my presence makes her happy and thankfully she still knows me.

@Kirschcherries it feels a bit freaky when they do that doesn't it. Last time I visited mum she was having a conversation with an invisible person. Extra freaky because it wasn't the usual repeating of 2 or 3 questions that's all I've had for years but a proper, though obviously one sided, conversation.

@countrygirl99 it is weird but if I ask her who she is talking to she says “my people” 😂

Am off to see my MIL on Monday, we have a visit from solicitors planned because of mix up over FILs will, which has taken about a year and a £000s of pounds to sort so I hope that will be it.
She also arranged a hospital appointment since I can take her. This is for (possibly) a check on a pessary to help her prolapse which we think was (possibly) inserted when she was in hospital a year ago so is very overdue. But she had no reminder letters, she says.
Today, on the phone she tells me she doesn’t think she will go. I have arranged myself so I stay overnight to help her costing me another plane ticket for the next day, she arranged the appointment and just casually says she won’t go. I get she’s scared, and she says she doesn’t think she has a pessary so doesn’t know why they want to see her. Then she went on about how hospitals hadn’t been any good for BIL, cancer, or my DH, pancreatic cancer so why should she go. I am so upset, how dare she bring my DHs illness into it. He was very well treated in hospital, as was BIL but there was nothing to be done for them. I was v cross with her and said she ought to go or she will end up being taken in whether she likes it or not, but am still shaking. Obviously I can’t make her go, but I so want to tell her to just sort everything else out for herself from now on if this is her attitude.
I will calm down and I will go on Monday and I will play the whole thing by ear but I really wish I could give her a piece of my mind. Not to mention I had a tooth extraction on Monday and she told me it had really upset her. And I can’t drink just now…

Has she had any checks on her cognitive ability? Looking back this sort of thing was an early sign of Mum's dementia. Having been someone who would previously have made sure she knew everything about her health care what she told me started to be very confused. On several occasions I took her for appointments that she'd organised and when we arrived they were for something completely different from what she'd told me. She also started to try t back out of appointments on the day (after I'd travelled for hours just to take her) for reasons like being too busy (when she had absolutely nothing else to do) or not having had time to eat her breakfast etc. I know think she was trying to cover up her own confusion and felt worried/embarrassed that she would not understand what to do/where to go. It is incredibly frustrating even if that is the reason- I really feel for you.

You have all my sympathy, my mum does this regularly leading to complete chaos and hours spent rescheduling appointments.

She’s a long haul flight away so I don’t necessarily make arrangements to fulfill a single appointment but we do blocks of appointments so I can drive her and keep up to date on her medical stuff.

Most memorably she was in the middle of an extremely stressful house project (after extensive flooding) and after I’d taken the time to be there for months on end to help she announced she was going to sell instead. False alarm, she did the rebuild, but I remember how upsetting it was.

It’s very frustrating but she has always seen herself as something of a free spirit so it’s not out of character. Is this out of character for your MiL?

@bigdogpaws my dad takes rivastigmine for Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia , it does help to an extent with hallucinations not sure about delusions.

Is it OK that we sit in silence some of the time? I know just my presence makes her happy and thankfully she still knows me.

@Kirschcherries i hope so because I do the same! I run out of things to tell her about after about 10 minutes. I don’t really monologue, and I struggle with conversation if I’m not getting anything back at all from the other person. So I sit with her, occasionally chat with the other residents or their visitors or the carers. She often dozes off anyway.

i find it sad because Mum and I used to have a very easy relationship where we could freely chat or sit in silence. We understood each other so well that we could have whole conversations along the lines of “oh I saw whatsername yesterday” “oh yes, has she sorted out the thingy” “sort of, but the whatsit is now up the doodah” and know exactly what the other was talking about. Dad used to look at us like we were talking Swahili.

@funnelfan Thank you that makes me feel better. I was the same with my Mum we talked about everything and anything.

I am thankful for Bargain Hunt, Homes Under The Hammer and Dickinson’s Real Deal as we can sit in silence watching them after we’ve been through ‘Any News?’ and ‘How is DD and is she still with her partner?’ about 6 times.

I'm often in silence now with my DM in the CH. She's always pleased to see me but has no conversation and isn't really interested in what I say, or photos or anything really. We used to do crosswords together but she can't manage that now either. Sometimes I just sit and hold her hand (I have to check the cleanliness of them first - boak) or comb her hair, which she likes. Visits are sometimes very short these days.

I tend not to say much when sitting with DM, 9 times out of 10 she doesnt recognise that I am there, looks through me.

On other occasions I think my presence has distressed her. I look a lot like her sister (died a few years ago). So to DM I think I look familiar but she cant place me which has upset her.

I graduated from the Elderly Parents board a few years ago, but posting re a friend. She is sure that her mother is showing signs of dementia, but her mother refuses to acknowledge there are any issues, and turns it on my friend as always “getting things wrong” and “getting forgetful.” Is there any way she can ask her Mum’s GP to do a test? I would say, on the pretext of getting her in for something else, but the GP’s surgery is generally hopeless and still doing hardly any in person appointments. (I was offered a telephone consultation to try and locate my missing Mirena strings…)

@MrsSchadenfreude I think DM's assessment was done after GP referral to a memory clinic. The assessment takes a while as it involves a few different people plus blood tests to rule out things like infection.

But in principle, yes, she can speak to the GP and say she is concerned that her DM may be showing signs of cognitive decline. I think she needs to stress the issues this creates: forgetting to take medication, getting lost, wandering etc.

By the time my DM's assessment was done it was blatantly obvious she had dementia. The assessment was only done because a DOLS was being proposed by her care home.

@MrsSchadenfreude , I will be interested in the answers to this, as after pp have suggested my MILs capacity might be slipping, I’m wondering if it should be checked again. Last time must have been about 4-6 months ago, which she passed with flying colours, but I do see a decline in memory, and an obsession over things. I might get more of an idea on Monday. Have decided if she won’t go to the Hospital, then I am going home that night, so she’s shot herself in the foot there as she always wants me to stay. I do feel a bit mean about it, but she can’t just mess me about on a whim.
She wouldn’t speak about it on the phone today and I didn’t push it as she was already upset about other stuff going on.
There are occasional gaps in conversation when I speak to MIL, when I’m with her but as I am there for about 8 hours straight that’s not surprising. To be fair, a lot of the conversations are whatever is on her mind on repeat, then we have to analyse BILs death and how she could have prevented it. Can you tell I’m not looking forward to Monday?

I think you are on the right lines of getting the GP to invite her in for a “routine” health check of some kind, but I can see that might be an issue if the GP surgery isn’t very organised. Does it have a nurse she could see for a blood pressure check or a pharmacist for a medication review? Just thinking that it may be helpful to get her in front of some kind of clinically trained professional who could push the right buttons to get the GP’s attention.

I also think your friend is right to start this process sooner than later as unfortunately I think a lot of these clinics are under huge pressure - when mum was originally referred the consultant wrote back and said their waiting list was over 60 weeks (!) and bearing in mind mums age they suggested an alternate approach which got her on a shorter waiting list for her local general hospital elderly care clinic who also deal with memory issues. In the end she short cut the entire thing by being admitted into the big hospital and seeing everyone as an in patient, but that’s not an approach I’d recommend!

@Scrabsqueak that sounds similar to DMs symptoms and were it not for very obvious physical symptoms- poor speech and movement- I doubt she would have been diagnosed.

Just back from my mjm’s. Great birthday dinner for both me and her last night. Now hungover to feck. 😂

She wants to move near us and sell the death trap in the middle of nowhere house. Middle brother won’t hear of it (inheritance, obvs), younger brother buries his head in the sand.

Middle brother said in the spring ‘let’s have a family conference about her selling up, I’ll come over from Europe as me and the kids want an English holiday.” Mum tells me last night that the plan has changed and he’s going to Austria. Surprise, surprise. Total avoidance. I am LIVID.

Mum had a memory assessment this AM. I update the chumps by WhatsApp, they’ve read it but not responded.

Checking in.

Brain not working. Have had cerebellar stroke and am in hospital.