Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Thank you for the new thread @GnomeDePlume. How are things - do you think you will make it on holiday?

A close friends DF died last night after struggling with Parkinsons for a couple of years. Shamefully most of what I feel is jealousy and relief for them all, but she would understand she is one of the people I can have frank conversations with in real life.

Thanks for the new thread. I think cocktails are being served on the terrace.

(For anyone in the southern hemisphere the hot toddys and squishy sofas by the fire are over there)

Hi, me again. Sorry to keep posting. I told my stepfather about his assessment tomorrow. I styled it as a further care needs assessment after falls, said it was a cancellation so short notice. He agreed to it. I am now very full of adrenaline and shaking - clearly I am still more afraid of him than I thought. And also conflicted, "am I making too big a deal of this?"

I supposed doubt is inevitable but I shouldn't be afraid of someone's reaction and yet I am.

Have told my mum to have a very low threshold to leave the house. I feel so anxious right now.

P.s. it's actually a Capacity assessment from Adult Social Care

All ok here. mum has a dementia memory review tomorrow.

Thanks for new thread. I’ll have a g&t please.

All ok here. mum has a dementia memory review tomorrow.

Thanks for new thread. I’ll have a g&t please.

I can't remember whether I said it or not on the last thread but Mum's GP has made a referral to a community gerontology team which is relatively new in the last few years. Previous to this she would have been referred to a hospital. The nurse from the team phoned me to get some background, he was absolutely lovely and it's soooo much easier dealing with someone with experience in this area as they just KNOW and you don't have to explain the details and consequences as much.

So they will be out to see her in the next few weeks and I'm hoping that they will have some useful suggestions and also that she will listen to them. We are still in a place where she neither has nor needs carers (according to her) and so she is extremely hit and miss about taking her meds causing her blood pressure to be too high, and also I have constant low level anxiety that she will fall at night because she can't get up from the floor when she does fall. She doesn't drive anymore so she has two people (not carers!) who call in on various mornings and afternoons to take her out or clean the house. To be fair she doesn't need personal care at all, she can still shower and dress herself, but I would feel a lot better if she had a wider pool of non-carers just in case she goes downhill rapidly or one of the current ladies is unable to work for her anymore. I suspect the morning one is going to either be sacked or quit because Mum is being horrible to her and accusing her of all sorts.

I understand that fear. A grown woman of 56 here but still terrified of 'd'F. I really hope it goes ok for you. Know you have us rooting for you in the back of your mind.

I'm Finland at the moment so I'll join you with a lonkero (gin and grapefruit soda)j

@rookiemere I am on holiday! It was touch and go as to whether we would get away. I decided that the clincher would be if DM was started on morphine. Not so far.

DM's distress seems to have eased. Mainly I think because she is now less aware. Asleep near enough all the time except to be fed. Now on minced food.

The problem now is that she is difficult to change. She needs something for decency but all her tops go over her head. Not sure of the solution.

Thank you for the new thread, @GnomeDePlume , and glad you were able to get away!

Not much happening here. Parents still doddering on. DM still a hoarder, refusing a cleaner or any cleanup/ clear out from me. DF just getting to the stage where he doesn’t want to go to the supermarket in a taxi in case he falls when he’s there. He’ll be 98 next month. I can easily take him on my visiting day but he resists because he wants to go on a Saturday because that’s when he can use a voucher for his paper…

I suppose I should be glad that they are both still mobile and more or less still with it and can dress and not need personal care. But omg the house is a pit of squalor and they won’t let me do anything to change it and so I’m just (still) waiting for some crisis or other. I can’t believe they’ve reached the ages they have. (It is pretty remarkable but then they have both had interventions with heart thealth without which I think both of them would be gone by now)

I am so glad you made it @GnomeDePlumeenjoy !

Life continues to plod along here and I am sorry for those currently in the eye of the storm.

My current annoyances are minor compared to previous issues, but does anyone else feel the care home their DPs are in is a bit useless ?No one was able to give me a straight answer today if the podiatrist had done their feet or not, when I know they came in on Monday. Both DPs seem to think not, but they aren’t particularly reliable narrators. I mean I guess I could just check their feet myself but it somewhat defeats the point of them paying £1900 per week for care. Plus one sad little thing I gave DM some flowers before I went on holiday, when I came back two weeks later the dead bunch were still sitting in the vase. It’s a little thing but indicative of general lack of attention to detail.

I am not moving them as DF is happy and DM would be unhappy wherever she went, but it just seems like an uphill battle to get basic things like eye tests and podiatry sorted. The floor manager seems to have stopped responding to my emails so I have to badger them in person when I am in. I do feel for those who haven’t got someone to advocate for them.

Hello all…

Still in the doom loop here. Introduced a lovely cleaning lady on Monday, to be met with a sulky “I haven’t been told about this, I need some time to get my head around it” from mil. Er yes, we’ve all been discussing this for weeks now you DID know!🤔 And no, the thick layers of dust suggest that you are not, in fact, perfectly capable of doing it all yourself…

She’s also been messing with her dosette box, so DH had to pop in and sort that out today.

So just fairly mundane trivial continual bollocks and waiting for the next emergency…

Seeing my elderly ‘D’F at the weekend and dreading it. Complicated relationship to put it mildly. It’s the continual low level stress that is getting to me now…

Pulling up a chair. You lot were all so helpful last year with FIL. He died just before Christmas and the deathmin is done except from clearing and selling the house. Now worried about my DM who can't walk far without having to stop and DF who needs a cataract operation. Onwards....

Goodness, you all keep me going. ☺️ sometimes I feel I will never get to be elderly as I will still be dealing with my parents.

The flying Monkeys have started. Missed call from Stepfather's sister...

Ignoring.

@rookiemere I feel your pain. For me it’s establishing if my Mum has seen a dentist and optician.

Thanks for the new (and obviously much needed and appreciated) thread @GnomeDePlume and I am delighted you managed to go on holiday. Celebratory Peach Bellini for me 🥂

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume.Hope you have a lovely replenishing holiday!

@rookiemere I had similar problems with Mum. I ended up cutting her fingernails (and toenails, shudder) myself. She never did get to see an optician - she was only there for 7 months in the end, but still. Like you say - I do really feel for those that have no-one to advocate for them. And it does make you wonder where all the money goes! The place mum was in had a great activities co-ordinator, and residents have frequent trips out, but mum wasn't able to benefit from that and having the basics covered would have been better. Having said that the carers were kind and attentive.

Things seem fairly quiet here atm (fingers crossed). DF seems to be coping with his carers and me round the corner since DB went home. I've actually managed to start some desperately needed decluttering at home. I've had neither the energy nor the headspace for some time. I really hope this calm lasts for a while.

@GnomeDePlume I am SO pleased that you have gone on your holiday. Whatever happens whilst you are aware I'm sure you'll come back with more strength to deal with it which has to be better for everyone.
@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE Hope the outcome of the assessment is what you want, and things get easier for you and your mum.

Since Mum's diagnosis I have actually been contacted by a local organisation that the dementia nurse referred us to and they have offered us loads of advice on social groups, care organisations, help with claiming attendance allowance etc. I've actually been pleasantly surprised at how much help is available (usually for a price, but at least it's there) in her area. But brother is still adamant that she does not need any of this. Mum was on her own for the day and part of the evening on Saturday as brother and his family were out (perfectly normal and reasonable). I was also away, but spent most of the afternoon trying to talk mum down from a frightening delusion. I think she expected that I would just go to her and couldn't get her head around the fact that it would have taken me hours to reach her and brother would be back before I got to her. The following day I tried to suggest we look at paid care options even if just for days when family are not around. I know it's the dementia talking but she swore at me and that anyone would think she didn't have children and grandchildren. Brother still insists that she does not need event the occasional day care/social group visits that I am encouraging her to try. He doesn't seem to understand that these things could be beneficial even if she doesn't 'need' care. It's very frustrating.

As a side note, this week brother and his partner have been staying with mum in her own home for some of the time as part of their plan to encourage her that them moving in is the solution. When I went in to collect her for a medical appointment the place was filthy (thick dust, bathroom smelly, dirty dishes in he sink, awful urine stains around the loo that can only have been made by a man, spare room stinking of stale sweat and cigarettes- reminded me of some student houses). I had been keeping on top of cleaning by going over to wipe around each time I visit mum but clearly not whilst brother is staying there. I do wonder if they expect that living at mum's place means getting a magic unpaid cleaner?

We have an appointment next week to discuss medication, specifically acetyl cholinesterase inhibitors. A quick google tells me there are a few different types of these drugs, including rivastigmine. I can't seem to find any reference to them helping with delusions- does anyone have any experience of this? Obviously I will be asking her HCP but useful to know the right questions to ask. Since the delusions are the aspect of this awful disease causing her the most distress I am wondering whether we need to be asking about some sort of anti-psychotic medication as well.

@NDornotND yes DF is always popping off to trips along the canal and drinking his afternoon wine which is marvellous, but I had to really push for DM to get a weekly visit from someone to talk to her and the one floor manager seems to be single-handedly in charge of the nursing and dementia wing so I can imagine he is very busy and I don’t want to get him into trouble.
I would like to revert to be a visitor rather than DMs personal problem solver which is the role her dementia brain has assigned to me, but care home lack of organisation is making this difficult.

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume I am glad to see you got away and hope you are enjoying your holiday.

DF back home this morning. Constantly using the commode once back home and managed to wet the pair of trousers he had on as soon as we put them on him. Then refusing to eat much at lunch from the carer. I anticipate multiple phone calls for accidents today. The care agency are coming to review his package tomorrow, but adding in a fifth call won't stop him having accidents in between them, so I think things will stay as they are and we will continue to be on call.

In my mums area, the cut off is four visits a day for care commissioned by the LA. They will assign longer slots and/or send two carers instead of one but won’t budge on more than 4 visits a day.

The LA seemed to think incontinence pads were the solution, but with immobile and frail elderly people with very thin fragile skin it’s a recipe for sores and infection if it’s not changed more than four times in 24 hours - you wouldn’t keep to that schedule with a baby in nappies, for a very good reason!

On the whole we have been fortunate with DM's care home. It does help that DB is in so regularly with me going in once a week.

The problem we are currently experiencing is that there dont seem to be quite enough carers for the number of residents needing similar levels of care to DM. Care isnt being denied but is taking longer.

I know of someone who is self funding care ( their son is dealing with it but her money ) and he is being tight fisted with everything other than the monthly bill .
The poor women has no extras like hair cuts , toenail cutting , new nighties etc she looks a mess quite frankly . I think he's trying to hold on to any inheritance .