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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM nearing end of life.. this time last week all was normal

57 replies

Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 22:54

My lovely normally fit and well Mum took unwell Tuesday morning early hours with what was disgnosed as a bowel blockage. At 85, she would likely not survive the operation to potentially fix it. We have literally gone from discussing her shopping list on Monday to end of life care discussions on Wednesday.

It’s very difficult to absorb. Terrified of what comes next, my DF I’m not sure has fully taken it all in. I never thought he would be the one left.

I don’t know how to face this. Such a shock.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you

  • [Message from MNHQ: please read OP's updates before responding]
OP posts:
Theywerebrilliant · 21/03/2025 22:57

I'm so sorry for you, it's just such a horrible time. Is your DM in hospital, at home or in a hospice? Do you know any of her wishes as to care etc? Sending massive hugs xxx

Hellohowareyou112 · 21/03/2025 22:58

If she’s normally fit and well, being 85 alone shouldn’t be a reason not to operate unless she didn’t want surgery? May be worth a second opinion?

PermanentTemporary · 21/03/2025 22:58

I'm so sorry - what a shock for you all.

I don't really have any words of wisdom. Don't try and put a front on for the health care team, even if you are for your mum. Share your worries and questions with them.

Pelican29 · 21/03/2025 23:02

Hellohowareyou112 · 21/03/2025 22:58

If she’s normally fit and well, being 85 alone shouldn’t be a reason not to operate unless she didn’t want surgery? May be worth a second opinion?

This.

Wittow · 21/03/2025 23:02

This must be a terrible shock for you. Awful to go through this sort of thing...

Assuming your mum is in hospital, are they advising not even trying surgery? Is mum awake and conscious and understanding of the medical issues?

Just tell her you love her, reassure as much as possible and get as much support as you can for yourself to get through these very difficult days.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/03/2025 23:03

I'm so sorry for you all. It must be a terrible shock.

reversegear · 21/03/2025 23:05

Umm on what grounds are they not operating? Does she have heart issues? I don’t want to distress you even further OP but could you get a 2nd opinion on this?

Somuchgoo · 21/03/2025 23:06

Pelican29 · 21/03/2025 23:02

This.

Show quote history

This.
Being blunt, even if there is a reasonable chance she won't survive surgery, there's a 0% chance without it, so if she's otherwise well, maybe it's worth a go?

Original poster
Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 23:09

Thank you, Mum doesn’t want Surgery and was very clear on that. We had lots of discussions in the hospital about it. She was adamant not to go through it. She is now in a hospice and seems comfortable. I just don’t know how long she will have and i’m worried about her feeling pain and being scared.

OP posts:
Disscombobulated · 21/03/2025 23:12

Sending you strength

Onelifeonly · 21/03/2025 23:15

What a shock for you. I'm so sorry.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/03/2025 23:17

She has made her decision. Please don’t pay any attention to the posters who seem desperate for DM to put herself through trouble and stress and pain for the tenuous chance of extending life by what? a few years? Months? Days.

You know , she has made her decision, and told you her wishes; now is the time to celebrate her life with her, and to speed a good passing. Fear nothing, those who can face their end fear nothing - and they have nothing to fear.

KidsDr · 21/03/2025 23:17

Just to counter - not having surgery at 85 years old for bowel obstruction is a very wise decision, I think. So sorry you're facing this. It's very shocking and a lot to process. Speaking with staff at the hospice for a plan might help answer some questions/ provide some assurances. Best wishes.

Wittow · 21/03/2025 23:17

Ahhh. That sounds tough to accept, for you. But are you sure mum understands the implications of her decision?

hatgirl · 21/03/2025 23:24

What a shock.

She sounds very brave - and if you ask anyone with elderly parents with dementing diseases this is a very good way to go. She's choosing a good death, a speedy one but with enough time to get things in order and say goodbye and to leave good memories.

It might not feel like it right now and I'm sure you all hoped for many more years but this way you know it was on her terms.

I wish you all peace over the coming days.

Original poster
Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 23:36

Thank you all. I think she is immensely brave. And I will be brave too.

OP posts:
Cupofteaneeded · 22/03/2025 02:39

I’m so sorry, such a shock isn’t it? My DM was diagnosed with the same just before her 93rd birthday, didn’t want surgery even if it had been possible. The consultant said that it’s a major op for someone in their 50’s or 60’s so at her age, the chances of surviving and leaving hospital would be small. It might not be appropriate in your Mums case, but maybe ask about steroids to reduce the constriction? Mine had this and lived almost two more years with a reasonable quality of life (with a careful diet). Sending you good wishes

Original poster
Channellingsophistication · 22/03/2025 07:01

@Cupofteaneeded Thank you for sharing your story of your mum and I’m glad they were able to allow her to have a reasonable quality of life. This has not been mentioned in my mum‘s case. there is also an issue with blood supply to the bowel which doesn’t help her.

DM seems quite resigned given she’s had 85 years of good health and as I said I think she is brave. Everyone’s comments helped me yesterday made me realise I need to channel my mum’s bravery too which has given me a sense of calm this morning. I’m planning to stay over at the hospice tonight and that will give me some special time with her.

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 22/03/2025 07:09

Do you need to be practical and talk about wills and passwords?

so sorry you’re going through this.

MoreChocPls · 22/03/2025 07:09

Can you arrange some nice treats in the hospice…. Foot spa, afternoon tea, massage, mobile nails….

Thingamebobwotsit · 22/03/2025 07:44

@Channellingsophistication am so sorry you are going through this. Your DM is being exceptionally courageous and if she is in a Hospice she will be well cared for all the way to the end.

I am facing the alternative with my DF who has had a long and tortuous end, with multiple medical interventions. He lives in another country and I have little say on his care as he remarried and his current family have the final say. It is not what I would choose for him. So for what it is worth, having seen the otherside, the fact your DM is able to go on her terms, with pain relief and the people she loves around her is the best possible way to go.

Wishing you all the very best for this stage of her life. Hold her tight xx

💐

Songlines · 22/03/2025 07:49

I went through this with my DM. She was a little younger than your mum. She survived the surgery but never left hospital. I think that she'd have chosen no surgery if she'd known what her final months were going to be like.
It's a hard time. Look after yourself xx

BunnyRuddington · 22/03/2025 08:05

I can understand this being a complete shock for you Flowers

My DFIL had a blockage and did have surgery. It has given him a couple more years but he hates the bag with an absolute passion and often says he wished he didn’t have it and hadn’t enjoyed the extra time that the operation gave him. He’s also has sepsis a couple of times since the operation which has left him very frail.

i think if he had the choice again he would choose not to have had the operation.

As long as your DM fully understands what she’s choosing and what the consequences are then that’s good.

if you’re not sure what the consequences are you can always talk it through with the one of the Hospice Nurses or Doctors.

Soontobe60 · 22/03/2025 08:07

Sorry to read about your DM. My own father died of the same thing 5 years ago. It was very tough knowing he was dying, but he knew and he was at peace with it. He slipped away very peacefully.

Soontobe60 · 22/03/2025 08:09

Somuchgoo · 21/03/2025 23:06

This.
Being blunt, even if there is a reasonable chance she won't survive surgery, there's a 0% chance without it, so if she's otherwise well, maybe it's worth a go?

Show quote history

Surgery is brutal, more so for an already unwell elderly person.