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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM nearing end of life.. this time last week all was normal

57 replies

Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 22:54

My lovely normally fit and well Mum took unwell Tuesday morning early hours with what was disgnosed as a bowel blockage. At 85, she would likely not survive the operation to potentially fix it. We have literally gone from discussing her shopping list on Monday to end of life care discussions on Wednesday.

It’s very difficult to absorb. Terrified of what comes next, my DF I’m not sure has fully taken it all in. I never thought he would be the one left.

I don’t know how to face this. Such a shock.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you

  • [Message from MNHQ: please read OP's updates before responding]
OP posts:
NatureOverNightclubs · 22/03/2025 08:50

Sorry you are going through this x

Goldiefrocks · 22/03/2025 08:57

My dad had the surgery at a similar age. It was a massive operation, hospital for months and he had a shell of a life after. Your mum has made a brave decision and I wish her peace and love from her family x

babystep · 22/03/2025 10:24

Just wanted to wish you both the best for the time ahead, it sounds like a wise decision and in any case it's her decision. I hope you find comfort in each other and have all the support you need both in the next few days and beyond x

PrimalScreaming · 22/03/2025 12:10

Thinking of you OP... such a hard and distressing time.

My 90 year old father has been admitted 3 times in the last 18 months with a bowel blockage as a result of scar tissue from a bowel cancer operation 30 years ago.
I know every case is different and it sounds as though for your dear mum it's either surgery or nothing. In my Dad's case they have always chosen 'conservative management' as he would not survive the operation with his age and frailty. In doing that they have always 'rested' his digestive system (ie no food and only IV liquids) and put in a naso-gastric tube to expel anything in the stomach. Each time it has worked but left him more frail.

Wishing a peaceful time for you and your mum. I fully expect this to happen to Dad at some point. Sending strength and unmumsnetty hugs.

Deanefan · 22/03/2025 12:24

reversegear · 21/03/2025 23:05

Umm on what grounds are they not operating? Does she have heart issues? I don’t want to distress you even further OP but could you get a 2nd opinion on this?

Emergency abdominal surgery is very high risk in someone of this age. If the lady has had a thorough conversation about the potential benefits and the potential risks and made up her own mind then good for her.
If she were to need intensive care afterwards then then is a lot to be put through with potentially trying thrn to learn to manage a stoma as well. There is little point in having an operation that say ensures an extra 12 months of life if 10 of thos months are spent recovering from the surgery.

Deanefan · 22/03/2025 12:26

@Channellingsophistication so sorry to hear about your mum. I hope that you can all spend some time together whilst she remains relatively well. I would try to take comfort in the fact she has made her decision and that you have some time together with both her and your dad.

Buttonknot · 22/03/2025 12:27

Your mum sounds amazing OP. Wishing you strength Flowers

ClioMuse · 22/03/2025 12:28

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/03/2025 23:17

She has made her decision. Please don’t pay any attention to the posters who seem desperate for DM to put herself through trouble and stress and pain for the tenuous chance of extending life by what? a few years? Months? Days.

You know , she has made her decision, and told you her wishes; now is the time to celebrate her life with her, and to speed a good passing. Fear nothing, those who can face their end fear nothing - and they have nothing to fear.

To be fair I don't think that's what the other posters were saying

ClioMuse · 22/03/2025 12:29

Thinking of you and your Mum OP. It must be hard to get your head around 💐Glad your Mum is getting good care.

MrsPositivity1 · 22/03/2025 12:32

Sending your mum prayers that she slips away gently. Such a tough time for you all.

On a more practical note transfer any money in account to in her own name to your dad etc… and ensure her will is up to date xx

neilyoungismyhero · 22/03/2025 12:40

Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 23:09

Thank you, Mum doesn’t want Surgery and was very clear on that. We had lots of discussions in the hospital about it. She was adamant not to go through it. She is now in a hospice and seems comfortable. I just don’t know how long she will have and i’m worried about her feeling pain and being scared.

So very sorry you're all going through this. It's your Mum's wish that her time is over and you should take comfort that she knows she is ready - hard I know.
We recently lost a fairly young (56) relative to cancer. Her condition went from up and talking to being given 3 days to live. She was given pain relief when it was needed and was peaceful throughout the last 3 days and then passed. Be assured your Mum will be cared for. X

thesandwich · 22/03/2025 12:47

Your dm is in the best possible place, where care and managing pain are top priorities.
hospices are about care for families too. Ask anything- they will do everything they can to help. 🌺

NeedABabelFish · 22/03/2025 17:18

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I know how difficult it must be.

My dear 89 year old ex MIL also refused surgery a couple of years ago. She was fully aware of what the outcome would be, but also of the fact that if she were to survive surgery her quality of life may be severely impacted. It was the right decision for her though very difficult for us to come to terms with.

If it's any consolation she was very comfortable and pain free and died very peacefully.

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/03/2025 19:26

What a shock OP, I’m sorry. I hope your mums last days are peaceful and calm. Look after yourself .

Original poster
Channellingsophistication · 23/03/2025 17:05

Thank you all so much for posting, it has meant a lot. It’s been a week of kindness from strangers.

My lovely mum passed away this morning peacefully whilst I was there as I stayed in the hospice. So relieved she had a peaceful end. Just feel for my dear DF but he’s holding up so far.

Best wishes to all💐

OP posts:
Songlines · 23/03/2025 17:18

Sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself x

JeanGenieJean · 23/03/2025 17:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

DaphneduM · 23/03/2025 17:39

Thinking of you and your dear Dad. My lovely mum chose exactly the same, having seen her sister go through a huge operation with a painful, terminal outcome in the end. You never expect it, do you? My mum was so much younger than my dad, but he was very brave and bore up well really - I promised my mum I'd look after him and that was exactly what I did, with my husband's help. He eventually passed away just before his 90'th birthday, two years after my mum. It will take some time to get over your loss - be kind to yourself OP, and be proud of your mum too being such a brave and pragmatic woman.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 23/03/2025 17:40

Channellingsophistication · 23/03/2025 17:05

Thank you all so much for posting, it has meant a lot. It’s been a week of kindness from strangers.

My lovely mum passed away this morning peacefully whilst I was there as I stayed in the hospice. So relieved she had a peaceful end. Just feel for my dear DF but he’s holding up so far.

Best wishes to all💐

I'm really sorry to hear that OP xxx

MichaelandKirk · 23/03/2025 17:40

Your Mum made the right decision for her and it sounds like a good death.
Been through this with both parents. Late Mum had a bowel obstruction in her early 80’s. They did operate and she recovered as well as can be expected but then broke her hip and was never the same again.

Her last two years weren’t great (she passed at 91). She just wanted to die. Told me this lots of times, wanted to feel how she did 30 years ago. Begged the Doctors to make her well.

She is now at peace and you can celebrate her life and what a brave decision she made. I remember a consultant telling me that the the one thing he dreaded hearing from family when a very old person was ill is ‘throw everything at her’.

I will say a little poem/prayer for your dear Mum. I wish you strength and courage over the next few weeks.

Deanefan · 23/03/2025 17:48

Condolences Channellingsophistication hope that you and your dad got to sit and chat and just be with her. Sounds like it was peaceful for her which is a blessing.

PrimalScreaming · 23/03/2025 17:48

I'm so sorry... be kind to yourself and take things slowly. I felt overwhelmingly tired after my mum passed away.... it's such an emotional and physical toll on your body xx

ExtraDecluttering · 23/03/2025 17:56

I’m so sorry, the same happened to my MIL, I can’t remember if surgery was discussed or intended but she deteriorated so rapidly and suffered cardiac arrest, we are just grateful that it was quick at the end for her sake, but a massive shock for everyone else Flowers

NeedABabelFish · 23/03/2025 18:22

I'm so sorry @Channellingsophistication. Try to take some time to process things Flowers

Cupofteaneeded · 23/03/2025 18:25

My condolences to you and your family, look after yourself x

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