Should I move in with my Mum?

[missb10]

My DM is starting with dementia, she doesn't remember much and strugles to know what day it is. She has carers going in four times a day to help but she a very boring life, just sitting on the sofa all day, which of course doesn't help. She and I have always been very independent. I am having a really difficult time paying my rent . Now there are are several pros and cons regarding moving in wiith her, big one is that if and when she goes into a care home I will be homeless. Can anyone give me advice?

Why would you be homeless?

Yes it would make sense. You can return the care she gave you.

I would talk to Age UK about the housing side, see if you can get some advice. Maybe it would be possible for you to have some kind of formal tenancy? That might protect you a bit more.

Certainly on the face of it, this could work really well for both of you.

Because her home would have to be sold to pay care fees in the event of her DM going into care and social services will only allow the property to be disregarded if there is a spouse or dependant over the age of 60 living in it.

"Yes it would make sense. You can return the care she gave you."

here we go again. Looking after an elderly parent with dementia is absolutely nothing like looking after a child. It is like saying oh you've had a hamster, clearly you are capable of looking after a horse.

if it works for you, OP, then go for it. But go into it with your eyes open. Having spent the last four years supporting my parents and spending increasing amounts of time there, the last thing I would want to do is move in.

Today is the best she is ever going to be. She could decline rapidly and need 24 hour care at any moment. Eventually she will become incontinent. She may become very aggressive towards you. She is likely to have the same topic of conversation on a 15 minute loop all day every day. She may become unsafe to live in her home without constant supervision - friends gran managed to flood the house through forgetting she'd switched on bath taps and set the kitchen of fire putting a plastic electric kettle in the gas hob while friend's mum was stripping beds/hanging out washing.
If you can cope with all of that go ahead.

I think you need to think purely about what is in your mums best interests here and what she would have wanted.
Then you need to be realistic. What are the care calls for? Would some of those continue if you lived there? Would they need to? How is she at nighttime? Would you be willing to support with personal care? What will happen if it gets to the stage you cannot leave her unsupervised, even if that is temporary eg - unwell? How will you split the bills? How will you be able to prove you are not taking advantage of her? How can you ensure your own well-being?

Seeking extra information:

1. Does your Mum own or rent her home?

1. Do you have any siblings?

I moved in with my elderly parent during first lockdown and never left as I realised they weren't really coping on their own.

It is hard at times as you do lose autonomy. My life revolves around their needs, all day, every day, week in, week out. Whatever needs to be done, I do it or organise someone else to do it. We have always had a good relationship though and I have always felt I would be the one doing this. We get on well, but there are times when it is beyond frustrating and I have to bite my lip and walk away. It can be hard, but it is also rewarding and we are still able to enjoy doing things and have fun.

I will do it until either there is a medical reason when it becomes impossible to continue or they become a danger either to themselves or me. We have discussed this as a family, before the illness progressed. We also have PoAs in place alongside DNR and I know how they wish to be cared for.

I am fortunate in that I don't work and my parent has sufficient funds that we don't struggle. It is much easier when you can just buy in help when needed as it is one less thing to stress about. If you are going to do this, your focus will be them, your life takes a backseat for the duration. I would also recommend you take a first aid course, you will need to know what to do when they inevitably injure themselves, and brush up your admin skills. There can be a lot a paperwork and appointments!

I see, so she's giving up her job when she moves in?

What guilt tripping bull is this? In la la land away with the fairies.

I would be cautious about moving in if she is not paying for the carers herself. You may find her budget is cut because she is seen as having support. It is horrible to think about but I've seen families where their loved one has had carers and then due to a short stay in hospital they have reassessed and said they shouldn't need them because they have family support to cover them.

Not quite the same situation but for the last 2 years of my mums life she wanted to move into my house.
I had to be realistic as I have carers myself, I could see that she would only get more and more frail and I wouldn't be able to look after her.
She was 92 when she passed and I do feel guilty that she managed at home with carers but I know it was the right decision

How is that relevant ?
if her mum owns the house it will have to be sold irrelevant of whether the op works or not.
if her mum is a social tenant it's unlikely the op will be able to take over the tenancy. Her job status is irrelevant to that
the only scenario it seems likely op could remain in the house would be if it was a private rental.

Because if the OP is working she can afford to save up as she presumably won't be paying rent at her mum's place. That means she'll have money to rent a place if her mum goes into a home. Meaning she won't be homeless.

Move in save the rent money and put towards a deposit and maybe some of the care visits if you can help your mum - help your mum have a more interesting life if doable

Looking after someone with dementia is very hard. Unless you have experience of how dementia can manifest then I wouldn't voluntarily do it.

Ah I see what you mean

No. You could end up being a carer for many years, and it will be brutal. You need to put yourself first.
Seek help and support for your mother (Age UK etc) and start checking out care homes. Then you can have your life back.

Why do people say this. Have you ever actually tried caring for an elderly parent with dementia? It's not remotely comparable to raising a child.

Absolutely

Completely agree

She owns her own home so would have to sell it to pay for care home fees.

I am an only child and have no other close family near by.

Also if I moved in and became her carer I would have to give up work and live on carers’ allowance I think. I couldn’t do personal care anyway so carers would still be coming in twice a day at least.

So where do you live at the moment? Do you own a property? I ask because, as you say, your mum's house will be sold if she needs to go into a care home. If she dies before that you will presumably inherit the house. Do you have a contigency plan for your own housing situation should the house be sold.

You obviously have zero experience of dementia.
Caring for a child and caring for a parent with dementia is not even remotely on the same level and why should anyone return any care given, we don't ask to be born.

OP, I would think long and hard about this, it could easily ruin your life. I am on CA as I care for my own mother who suffers from Alzheimer's, it's a measley £80 per week, could you live on that?

And if your mum does go I to care you will have to sell the house to pay the bill once she has passed.

Your mum won't necessarily have to give up her home to pay for care fees, at least not immediately. Local councils can choose to leave your home out of a financial assessment in certain circumstances and there's also the option of a deferred payment agreement (DPA) if you meet certain eligibility criteria.

In my opinion, you should not give up your job or move in with your mum. She would be better off in a decent care home with activities to stimulate her.