Should I move in with my Mum?

[missb10]

My DM is starting with dementia, she doesn't remember much and strugles to know what day it is. She has carers going in four times a day to help but she a very boring life, just sitting on the sofa all day, which of course doesn't help. She and I have always been very independent. I am having a really difficult time paying my rent . Now there are are several pros and cons regarding moving in wiith her, big one is that if and when she goes into a care home I will be homeless. Can anyone give me advice?

Your Mum needs professional dementia care. It's miles away from her daughter moving in. I don't think it would be an appropriate next step further either of you OP.

@ginasevern I am currently in a private rental. It’s on the lowest rent locally and I still have trouble paying due to not being in full time work. Private rents are much higher round here and social housing has a long waiting list and I would only qualify for the smallest type of accommodation.

I read recently that if you are over 60 & live with someone, the property cannot be sold for care home fees.

But suggest that you would need to check this info yourself.

Carers allowance is a very small amount about £327 every 4 weeks. You can work. but the allowance stops if you earn over a certain amount (think £151 per week)

More info
https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

Not everyone who needs care goes into a care home.
I know a couple of people who have live in carers.

So if you are over 60, as the previous poster said, I believe the house cannot be sold if you are living there. If your mum is a council tenant she could "gift" you the tenancy. You can pass on a tenancy to someone else living at the address once in a lifetime. There are rules about this but worth checking out. If the house does get sold for care home fees you will effectively be homeless. You should put your name down for a council or housing association property so if/when that situation arises you will be a priority. You will only get a one bed or maybe studio but that's better than being homeless. The rent will also be cheaper than private and the tenancy will most likely be assured.

I personally wouldn't.

Looking after someone with dementia full time is bloody hard and the carer's allowance is pathetic.

May I suggest a couple of things -
check the Aged UK website for their financial advice - very good

How about try to live there for a weekend - see how that goes

If you do move in, don't give up work. As previously mentioned - carer's allowance is pathetic, actually it's insulting. But even if it were decent, you will need your own social outlets or you'll both be sitting on the sofa looking at the wall.

As you're working part time, can you take her to a local group ? My Dad, who was very reluctant to accept help, found them invaluable source of information and support. My Mum's favourite group was the singing one.

If you do move in - save like crazy so you have cash for when you need to find your own accommodation

Whatever you do, can you find a day centre / groups locally your Mum can attend to give her a change of scenery ? Local authorities rarely run them these days so check your local Alzheimer's Society / Aged UK groups. There may be info in your GP surgery / local library.

Read Carer's Lounge on facebook before you make your decision. I only lived with my dad for the three weeks before he died, though I was his carer for three years.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I did this once for a few weeks and absolutely never again would I consider it!

You need to think long term. What are you going to live on in the future? What does your retirement look like if you're working part-time and privately renting at the moment? It would be more sensible to increase your hours at work, get a care assessment done for your mum and then either increase the care visits she receives or support her to move into a care home.

I'm sorry but I think you are thinking more about what is in your best interests (finically) rather than what is in your mums best interest. You say you aren't willing to do personal care, which is fair enough. So who will? especially when you think about nighttime needs? To be blunt i think you are being naive over how your mums dementia and needs are likely to progress. Will you help empty a commode, help her shower or strip wash, supervise her on the stairs, provide shopping, do all cooking and cleaning, supervise her trying to get out of bed for the 100th time? (All whilst being under constant supervision from you, otherwise she may wander out the front door, burn herself, not eat or drink etc).

Are you 60 yet, OP?
if you are a dependent over 60 and will be made homeless I think there is some safety net.
it sounds like moving into DM’s house is inevitable unless you move away to a cheaper area.
Don't give up your part time work.
You need pension and NI contributions to protect yourself for your future.
But above all you need a daily reason to get out the house and keep the company of people your own age.
Moving in will be extremely difficult. It is not an easy option as others have explained. It will be relentless. But your DM will prefer it and it keeps you safe. Homeless would be even harder.

You said " I couldn’t do personal care anyway" and just on that basis it would be a hard no from me because if you are caring for someone with dementia, at some point providing personal care is inevitable. What would you do if your mum is incontinent and wets and/or soils herself? She may end up requiring assistance to the toilet multiple times during the day and night, and relying on carers won't work. The carers will likely be showing up at some random time in the morning (in my experience, morning could be any time between 7 and 11) and at that point your mum may have needed your help multiple times with personal care already.

It will be a few years before I turn 60. I don't think my Mum will still be in a fit state to live in her own home by then, if she is even stilll alive. Thanks everyone for your advice I think I'll try to hang on to my flat for now and keep on with the carers going in. When the time comes for her to go into a care home I'll just have to accept that I won't be inheriting anything.

That last sentence makes it sound like you’d be considering this for the wrong reasons? Why does it matter whether you’d inherit anything or not?

I'm sorry your mum is so unwell. It must be really upsetting. I really don't think you should give up your job.

It's very very difficult when someone close to has dementia and your job will give you access to other people and conversations about other things than dementia. Your mum would want you to have a fulfilled and happy life.

I'm so sorry, it must be awful for you but I really really wouldn't recommend you give up your job and your home.

I'm sorry that I come across as selfish in that I am disappointed that I may not inherit anything from my parents, but I am an only child and my parents worked and saved up hard to be able to pass on what they had. I don't care that much about money, just that all their hard-earned savings and house could go into the hands of care home owners. But I suppose that' s how things are these days.

Well who else should pay for it? 24/7 care even at minimum wage plus all meals, heating, activities etc does add up. And it's hard hard work the care home is being paid for.

Even if she did get to the point of using up savings and being eligible for state funding that still leaves some behind, it doesn't all go once it's done to about £14k. www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/

Why does it matter whether you’d inherit anything or not? Because for half the population that’s the only chance of accumulating a large sum of money for house purchase, supporting children through uni, or simply as a safety net?

Well who else should pay for it? 24/7 care even at minimum wage plus all meals, heating, activities etc does add up. And it's hard hard work the care home is being paid for. You could make the same argument about cancer care, disability care, anything else we’ve chosen should be funded through taxes. Being in a care home isn’t a fundamental part of old age, it’s something that happens to the unlucky. So some families get to inherit, others completely randomly do not.

Indeed.
our property market is heavily reliant on people inheriting.

Well to play devils advocate one might equally say that about maternity leave and child benefit. Why should I pay for someone to take several years off work to raise numerous children which is entirely their own choice (unlike getting old) ?

It is how things are these days, and people in middle age know they are saving for their care home. But your parents’ generation are the first for whom dementia is a major killer - previous generations were more likely to go relatively quickly from heart disease or cancer, and to them, saving was about giving DC or GC a good start. I’m so glad that my father will not be able to understand that there is nothing left of all the money he saved for us.

Dont apologise OP You’re right it’s awful that dementia isn’t treated as an illness and that people have to fund their own care. It is indeed the way things are but it’s still harsh.

if thats self funding it’s at least 1400 a week plus food and household bills though so its not possible for everyone….

I moved in with my elderly father who has been suffering from delirium since March. I have done 7 months, with the help in the evenings of my partner, and this week sourced carers who can sit with him during the day when I return to work.
I simply can no longer cope, especially since the winter has set in and I can no longer escape to the garden.

He is also far more respectful to visitors so the carers will be a welcome respite.

The relentlessness of the care and the isolation is very hard. I was so exhausted I actually walked into a lamp post last week and it forced me to bring in some help.

I would think carefully before you move in. It’s likely eventually your mum will need to go into a home so the house will need to be sold.

Best wishes to everyone who has found themselves in this role, it is not easy.