Should I move in with my Mum?

[missb10]

My DM is starting with dementia, she doesn't remember much and strugles to know what day it is. She has carers going in four times a day to help but she a very boring life, just sitting on the sofa all day, which of course doesn't help. She and I have always been very independent. I am having a really difficult time paying my rent . Now there are are several pros and cons regarding moving in wiith her, big one is that if and when she goes into a care home I will be homeless. Can anyone give me advice?

It is not just your salary you loose. It is chance to save for your own pension and retirement. Financially, if you can’t afford to home yourself after her death, why thechell would you take such a risk? Is this what she would have wanted- you being in a worse position than her in your old age?

my dad has just died of LBD. LBD is quicker than other dementias. 3 years of hell for him and us. I had siblings to share with. He was agressive, violent, delusional, terrified, paranoid. On a good day he was “just locked in”. On a very good day he could be Newley normal aside from being complelety blessed with whatever paranoid delusion was bothering him.

he was eventually sectioned. On a deprevation of liberty. No better than a prisoner. He could not be cared for at home by then even if we wanted to

but before he got bad, none of us could have handled it 24/7. He was incontinent and hid it. We’d have needed a hoist and special training to not have injured ourselves or him in cleaning him properly. He was a danger to himself in the house, especially at night due to REM sleep disturbances. We’d have literally had to be running 24/7 shifts to look after him at home

dementia is not a case of a bit forgetful. They are nasty terminal illnesses thst go in for years and years, and you are looking after someone you barely know any more . It is bloody hard work. Mentally emotionally and physically. With no respite you WILL become mentally ill yourself. I know this as I was also carer for my exh who had schizophrenia- the statistic are thst 1 in 2 people become mentally ill if they’re full time carers for people with severe mental illness or cognitive decline . Professional carer get to walk away at end of 12 hour shift and have downtime, switch off. They get days off. They get help after traumatic incidents like physical abuse aimed at them. You won’t.

do not do it. You have no idea what you are taking on. This illness needs professionals with loving family VISITING regularly to provide emotional support and companionship only.

With advancing dementia? Or just a bit of mild cognitive decline and help with personal care, shopping, cooking…

we are not talking about “someone needing care” we’re talking about someone with dementia.

If your Mum goes into hospital for a while or needs respite in a home, eg if she was to break a hip, they'd stop your carers allowance. You'd have to reapply for benefits again after your mum comes home, and the wait is something like 6 weeks for them to process your application.

If you're working part time now, maybe see if you can increase your hours. Or if there's any spending you could cut back on.

I know someone who moved home after her divorce. Her Mum was in good health for many years, they lived like 'best friends ', as she'd have said. They did everything together, holidays, shopping etc. But then her Mum got very frail and bad tempered in the later years. Her daughter hardly slept, and was under immense pressure. The mother didn't want carers. The daughter now lives with guilt about not being good enough.

I was a young carer. I spent decades caring for my Mum. She was never the easiest person to live with. I'm now too old to have a family of my own. So many years of my life were wasted. And I'm far from through the worst of it. She has a progressive condition. I could be facing another 20 years of this. No life of my own, no social life, just existing and hoping my mind and body still work when I come out the other side of this hell.

Much better to keep your independence and visit as often as needed. Then you've your own corner to retreat to when times are hard. You're only human. Take care.