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Original poster

Leaving home at 8/ boarding school

73 replies

mebythesea · 14/02/2010 19:20

Hi,

I was just wondering if anyone else watched 'leaving home at 8'last week?

I went to boarding school from 9-16yrs and the programme brought back so many memories, mostly sad ones. I have been feeling really sad all weekend and can't seem to shake the feeling that being sent away at such an early age is very wrong.

If you went to boarding school what was your experience of it?
was it positive or detromental?
How has it informed your own parenting style?

OP posts:
claig · 14/02/2010 20:24

Hi mebythesea,
there was an earlier thread discussing this programme at
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/education/911444-Boarding-school

Earlybirdwins · 14/11/2021 21:40

I went to boarding school between 8-18 and I’m now 46. I would never send a child to boarding school. I know some children have had positive experiences- perhaps they went to boarding school slightly older. But in my experience I felt lost, unwanted and in the way. You’re in an environment where there are no hugs or love - I think it’s too young to go to boarding school. Your house mistress/master may do their best but they can’t love you and give you the security that comes from your family. A child needs love and security. I know not all homes have a loving family but I wouldn’t recommend boarding school - not for anyone say under 13. I’m only sharing my experience but I’ve recently started to see a psychotherapist and she recommended the book ‘boarding school syndrome’ - it has helped me understand why I’ve struggled so much in my life. I’ve lived a pretty solitary and lonely life. Boarding school is like putting someone into child care IMO.

Placido · 15/11/2021 11:10

I was sent to boarding school at 7 and experienced such awful protracted grief and it has affected me through my whole life. I would NEVER send one of my children at 7. I am not against boarding at all, but personally I wouldn't send mine until 16 as I feel there is too much parenting to do in the early teen years that can't be replaced by a house master/mistress.

MarshaBradyo · 15/11/2021 11:13

I went later so not the same but I think that young is so bad.

I really feel for anyone sent away that young.

WholeClassKeptIn · 15/11/2021 11:14

My dad went that young and he struggles so much with the concept of family now.

DGFB · 15/11/2021 11:15

I’ve never been to boarding school but the idea of sending young children away from their families is beyond my comprehension

Placido · 15/11/2021 11:31

I think what I struggle with understanding now as an adult is that my parents didn't come from that background so they weren't just mindlessly doing what was done for them. They were two very bright, grammar school educated, very successful people who had grown up in lovely warm cozy families who thought that it was right to send me and my DB's to boarding school at an atrociously young age. I just can't fathom how. When each of my children have reached 7 and I tuck them in at night I look at them and just ask; How? Why? I felt like such a failure not to have been happy and flourishing (and still sometimes pretend around other adults who did cope better than me at 8 that it wasn't too bad. When it was truly awful and now I have experienced the grief you have after a loved one's death, it was very much in the same league.) We still have such a strange concept of what makes a top education in this country; that somehow arcane institutions, strict rules, being far too busy and focused at a young age builds a stiff upper lip and therefore resilience. When actually all our young really need is a childhood and love and the rest falls in to place.

Mifacagare · 15/11/2021 12:10

At 9 years old for me and it has impacted my whole life ( I'm now in my 50s) mainly with attachment, separation and fear of being abandoned issues. I made myself ill daily when I was there in order to make them call my parents to come and see me, and then cried myself to sleep every night. I'm crying writing this just even thinking about it, the whole experience was awful. Luckily I only stayed for a year. I would never recommend it to anyone

AuntieStella · 15/11/2021 12:12

Personally I think it's too young unless there are exceptional extenuating circumstances

I doubt any parent makes a choice such as that lightly

MarshaBradyo · 15/11/2021 12:15

@Mifacagare

At 9 years old for me and it has impacted my whole life ( I'm now in my 50s) mainly with attachment, separation and fear of being abandoned issues. I made myself ill daily when I was there in order to make them call my parents to come and see me, and then cried myself to sleep every night. I'm crying writing this just even thinking about it, the whole experience was awful. Luckily I only stayed for a year. I would never recommend it to anyone
I’m so sorry this happened to you

It’s natural to feel as you do

I couldn’t contemplate it

It’s too much for such a young child

Placido · 15/11/2021 12:15

@Mifacagare Sending virtual hugs. Know that there are others who understand how you feel. Can you imagine if people from deprived sectors of society had sent their children away to live in cold, unloving environments where they were often physically or sexually abused and that even when this abuse was uncovered nothing was done by parents to protect the names of the schools (I am aware that boarding schools are far from this now, but gosh 40 years ago some were truly dreadful.) Somehow the patina of wealth has prevented the national outrage coming earlier or being stronger.

Earlybirdwins · 15/11/2021 12:18

@Placido - definitely worth grabbing a copy of 'Boarding School Syndrome' - or at least watching the author's interviews/talks... it really helped me. I just started seeing a psychotherapist and she mentioned this book. I'd always shut off my childhood..... I mean, it makes so much sense now why I always feel like an outsider and I have this contradicting anxious/avoidant-attachment issue. I would like to have a loving relationship one day but I get so frightened and feel totally worthless, it messes up any hope of a relationship or even friendships. I've just lived an isolated life. BUT... now I can see where the problem started... being sent to boarding school and left feeling 'abandoned'. I had no idea and never connected the two. I hope you can heal too.

DDUW · 15/11/2021 12:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Earlybirdwins · 15/11/2021 12:23

@Mifacagare It's so damaging and I don't actually think that boarding schools are better... yes, maybe you get more comfortable beds etc but it's still being left without a family... some parents are fighting court cases to get their children back from being put into child care and others are paying tons of money for child care! Seems crazy. Check out 'boarding school syndrome' - I've only just started on my own journey of healing but already it's starting to open my eyes and healing is beginning.

Harriet1216 · 15/11/2021 12:31

I really think that boarding schools are much better than they used to be. For a start, there is social media now, and any school, boarding or day school, that gets a bad reputation will be very quickly exposed.
Next, there is more emphasis on flexi boarding now. Children can sleep over at school for a couple of nights as and when they and the parents wish.

Mifacagare · 15/11/2021 12:33

thank you so much for your support, that means a lot. xxx

Placido · 15/11/2021 12:42

@Earlybirdwins
Agree about the absurdity of people paying for their children to go in to care whilst others are fighting to have their children removed from care. I have friends all over the work due to my job and many of them think we are a very odd nation where some parents decided they don't want to spend the time with their children whilst they can - they all too soon fly the nest. They also find the uniform obsession bonkers.

Placido · 15/11/2021 12:43

@Earlybirdwins I was lucky to have therapy at a young age as I developed anorexia at my senior boarding school. It meant I could unravel things at a relatively young age and see why I had become the person I was. Will look out for that book though! x

Earlybirdwins · 15/11/2021 12:59

Yes, to some extent, boarders may be much better supported these days but they will still have similar issues to deal with, such as losing their family. It is a bereavement, what we term homesickness. Then the child grows to accept the new life without the family.

Earlybirdwins · 15/11/2021 13:02

@Placido That's good that you had help... yes, check out the book or look it up online if you don't want to buy it. x

Placido · 15/11/2021 13:15

@Earlybirdwins My 13 yo DN really struggling to adapt - comes from such a warm loving home, and is full time boarding, and whilst boarding schools can do many fancy things, they can't love you, which is a basic need for a child.

SaltedCaramelHC · 15/11/2021 13:17

I'd be interested to know what happened to the girls later on, and what they think of their experiences. As someone said upthread, they'd be at least 19 now. I watched it a while back on youtube as it came up based on some other documentary I'd watched. I wonder how the experiences changed and shaped them, and what they think now.

AuntMasha · 15/11/2021 13:21

I went to boarding school and was desperately unhappy. My mother now admits that it was an awful thing to have done. Some of the staff were abusive and I felt very vulnerable.

Placido · 15/11/2021 13:21

@SaltedCaramelHC Quite possibly your answers are being given from those of us on this thread who feel our lives have been affected by this. Wouldn't be surprised if they feel just like we do - even if they had better quality beds, more extra curricular time, and no physical punishments and sexual abuse. How could not living with your family for a large chunk of your young childhood not affect you in later life?