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Original poster

Leaving home at 8/ boarding school

73 replies

mebythesea · 14/02/2010 19:20

Hi,

I was just wondering if anyone else watched 'leaving home at 8'last week?

I went to boarding school from 9-16yrs and the programme brought back so many memories, mostly sad ones. I have been feeling really sad all weekend and can't seem to shake the feeling that being sent away at such an early age is very wrong.

If you went to boarding school what was your experience of it?
was it positive or detromental?
How has it informed your own parenting style?

OP posts:

Namenic · 27/11/2021 14:11

I went at 11 and enjoyed myself. No issues due to it.

I probably wouldn’t send kids younger than 11 - but if it was a genuine choice and there was a option for the child to come home (eg change schools or become day pupil), then I don’t think it is terrible either. Different kids are different - some will suit it and some won’t.

IHateCoronavirus · 27/11/2021 19:09

We were, until fairly recently, a military family. The DC came everywhere we went and went to local schools. They loved it.
They are now the kind of kids who can make friends in an empty room, can speak four languages (except the youngest who speaks two) and are so open minded about the possibilities of life.
Their education hasn’t suffered one bit. We have been back in the UK since 2016. Eldest DS is in year 11, is head boy, and heading for 8s and 9s.
No way I would have left my children.

XelaM · 27/11/2021 22:09

@IHateCoronavirus Exactly. I was that child moving across countries with my parents, adapting to new schools, new languages, new friends and I am so grateful to my parents for the amazing life experiences and the lessons it taught me. As a result, I am now a well-rounded adult, can quickly adapt to any new environments, make friends very easily, and speaks several languages fluently. I also got top grades at school and went on to a RG uni and a very successful career. Just because parents are forced to move doesn't mean they shouldn't take their kids with them!

IHateCoronavirus · 28/11/2021 00:24

XelaM I’m sure you are a really interesting person to be around too. Education is so much more than what happens in school. Sometimes it is about the life experiences too.

HarrisMcCoo · 02/12/2021 12:54

[quote Thingaling]@bagelsandbrie
Do you know much about the military? A typical army posting lasts two to three years on average. Army officers can expect multiple overseas postings in their careers (eg Canada, Germany, Cyprus, Gibraltar) plus all over the UK. What you are saying is that it is better for a family to be separated for years on end. How is it good for children to live apart more or less permanently from their serving parent, and for couples to live apart more or less permanently from each other?[/quote]
My husband's cousins all had to board due to this reason. Their father was posted all over the world as a chaplain. He didn't get to pick where he worked. Not ideal, but the children didn't know any different.

thingaling · 06/12/2021 23:12

[quote XelaM]@Thingaling First of all, the children ARE away from the serving parent (as well as their other parent) more or less permanently in boarding school as well so why is it better to be away from both parents than from one? My parents moved around A LOT when I was younger (I lived in 5 different countries by the age of 12) and I am very grateful to them that they took me with them and didn't dump me in a boarding school.

I can't believe you think it's normal to send your primary aged child to board. Why does he want to be away from home? I'm a single parent to an only child and my daughter and I are extremely close. She wouldn't want to live away from home with strangers instead if me. She can have sleepovers with friends and our house or theirs, but would never choose for that to be a permanent arrangement. And just because you pawn off normal parenting tasks like helping with homework to strangers, so you can be a fun Disney parent, doesn't make this any better[/quote]
Term time at boarding schools is just over seven months a year. The other five months you are with both your parents, which is more than you would be if you are in a military family and one parent was on an unaccompanied posting abroad without their family.

Some families go for moving children from school to school every 2-3 years and that works OK for some. But many kids find it very disruptive academically and struggle to make proper friends.

Or you split the family up and one parent stays put and the other one goes on postings for years at a time.

Who is anyone to judge families who choose the stability and friendships of boarding schools ahead of options two or three?

I’m also amused at your “pawning off helping with homework to strangers”. Parents with kids at day schools do that all the time. Mine was virtually the only one in his class at day school who didn’t have a nanny/childminder/housekeeper/au pair/tutor supervising homework. The real Disney fantasy - hugely dishonest - is the idea that working parents with kids are also able to be around to pick them up from school, feed them healthy snacks, ferry them around to activities, supervise homework and produce a home cooked meal. It isn’t true and it doesn’t happen.

ForeverbyJudyBlume · 10/12/2021 15:25

Firstly, why did a thread from 2010 get revived so actively?

All I'll say is two of the most damaged people I know are dh and his brother who were sent to board at 10 and 12 respectively when their parents relocated to the US. They (well dh, db not so sure) had friends, did VERY well professionally but the damage it did to them psychologically is heartbreaking

I went to boarding school at 16 and it made me really appreciate my home and parents! No lasting damage but I was a lot older and it was my choice

thingaling · 10/12/2021 17:55

@ForeverbyJudyBlume

We all know people who were psychologically damaged by their school experiences. Particularly in the 60s, 70s, 80s, when safeguarding was non existent.

But a) that was then. And b) bad school experiences can happen anywhere. Kids get bullied on their way to and from schools and in their lunch breaks every day, for example, and even in the evening on social media when parents think they are doing their homework in their rooms. Easily the most psychologically damaging school experience I had was at an ordinary day school where kids bullied kids, teachers bullied kids and kids even bullied teachers.

GratS · 10/12/2021 18:41

@thingaling I knew several friends sexually abused when we were at boarding school so I was absolutely horrified by reading about schools in the Everyone’s invited horror show. Thank god ofstead has to go in to those schools now. Many of them were private day schools like your experience so shows that it isn’t just boarding that puts children at risk.

GratS · 10/12/2021 18:43

@thingaling
I am a working parent and I do all of those things you mention. So does my DH when he is around. We make it work around our jobs.

Yellowmellow2 · 12/12/2021 19:03

I went to boarding school at 11. Loved it. Was very happy and no issues as a result. I certainly never felt abandoned by my family, and have very good relationships with my siblings and parents.

Legoninjago1 · 13/12/2021 11:49

I weekly boarded from 8 to 11. Then day school 11-15. Full boarded from 15 - 18. Much preferred boarding! No issues here either and great relationship with family. It is not for everyone though. There were kids boarding with me who definitely shouldn't have been there.

GratS · 19/12/2021 08:38

Just horrible, gut wrenchingly sad. Apparently the big names threatened action over this so it was restricted to online only.
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-painful-truth-behind-british-boarding-schools-by-1-000-sunday-times-readers-zqj0vzqvc

ThankGoodnessForTea · 03/01/2022 07:07

Boarding schools should be banned. It’s cruel to send children away like that.

Bunnybunny1 · 03/01/2022 07:17

My DH was sent away at 8 to boarding school and I have a traumatised husband on my hands who attends regular therapy.
It’s so wrong and I can’t wait for people to wake up to it.

2022HowDoYouDo · 03/01/2022 07:24

My first boyfriend went to boarding school from about that age and it affected him deeply. He would regularly phone his parents begging them to come and get him. They only lived 6 miles from the school! His brother did ok but he was very outgoing and sporty, whereas my boyfriend was quiet and geeky. I couldn't imagine handing over a precious child into the care of an institution by choice.

thingaling · 03/01/2022 11:50

@grats That’s nice that you and your husband have jobs which allow you to leave work at 2.30 or 3pm to do the school run and spend the next five hours focusing on your child/ren. Most people don’t have those kind of jobs, or spouses.

Chocalata · 03/01/2022 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoppinggreen · 03/01/2022 20:13

I was a day pupil at a school that had Boarding as well.
The Boarders were a pretty self contained and unemotional bunch as a rule, they were very hungry for adult attention though and my Mum would get mobbed when she came to collect me at home time. A lot of them had ok but not very close relationships with their own parents and weren’t too bothered about going home for holidays. Quite a few went from school to uni and then on to jobs without ever really living at home.
I also know a few older men who boarded from around 7 and they have some serious “mummy issues”
My opinion is that apart from in a small number of cases children are much better brought up by parents than Boarding staff and as for people who said their dc “asked to go” I would be devastated and take a serious look at myself if my DC asked to leave home before they were 16/18

2manycushions · 07/01/2022 08:47

I went to boarding school at 9 as DF worked for an oil company and we moved every couple of years. It was a wholly positive experience for me, offering stability, structure and lasting friendships.

However, when my own DC reached that age, I questionned how my parents could have been happy to do this. On reflection, I didn't miss the love and emotional support of my DPs went I went away as it wasn't there in the first place and that is the saddest thing for me. I did feel loved, but they showed it in practical ways rather than hugs/chats/kind gestures which now I have DC of my own, realise are so important.

As posters have mentioned above, people assume that kids are being sent away from wonderful, nurturing families to cold, harsh institutions when sometimes it's the opposite.

I think my life would have been different if I hadn't gone but probably not for the better.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/01/2022 08:56

I went to boarding school because my parents didn't want me and was told on the last day of term in the 6th form I was on my own.
I spent the last term of school desperately looking for a place to live and a job because I had nowhere to go. I had nobody to ask for advice because nobody cared.
I went into nursing for the offered accommodation, I didn't want to be a nurse but it was that or the streets.
Why anyone would have children just to send them away I cannot imagine.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 07/01/2022 09:13

I went to boarding school between 8-18 and I’m now 46. I would never send a child to boarding school. I know some children have had positive experiences- perhaps they went to boarding school slightly older.

Totally agree with this. I went at 13 and loved it but I have a friend who went at 8 and is completely scarred. My home life was not that stable so boarding school probably saved me tbh but it's very different as a teen as it can be like a really long sleepover. My sisters were also there which I think made a difference. My younger sister who was 11 when she went did not have such a good experience so I do think your age when you go is really relevant.

ancientgran · 07/01/2022 09:21

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I went to boarding school because my parents didn't want me and was told on the last day of term in the 6th form I was on my own. I spent the last term of school desperately looking for a place to live and a job because I had nowhere to go. I had nobody to ask for advice because nobody cared. I went into nursing for the offered accommodation, I didn't want to be a nurse but it was that or the streets. Why anyone would have children just to send them away I cannot imagine.

That is so sad. I hope you have a wonderful life now.

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