Leaving home at 8/ boarding school

[mebythesea]

Hi,

I was just wondering if anyone else watched 'leaving home at 8'last week?

I went to boarding school from 9-16yrs and the programme brought back so many memories, mostly sad ones. I have been feeling really sad all weekend and can't seem to shake the feeling that being sent away at such an early age is very wrong.

If you went to boarding school what was your experience of it?
was it positive or detromental?
How has it informed your own parenting style?

@Placido That's it exactly. It's the love that is missing. Teachers can do their best but they don't love you, they can't just love 100s of children.

@SaltedCaramelHC Exactly, even if you sat down with a child for hours and hours - it can't replace the love and the bereavement that they are going through. I think homesickness is a bereavement/loss of family. Nothing can replace your family.

Yes, quite possibly! But I just wondered if there had ever been any sort of specific follow-up documentary on the girls, given that they'd already been in one.

I went at 12 but I do remember a girl of 7 arriving to board in the prep and everyone was shocked she was so young. This was in the 90s. Her parents were in central Africa and it wasn’t considered a safe environment. My son is now her age and I can’t imagine putting him on a plane to another country and not seeing him for 3-6 months. How awful it must have been for her parents.

I worked at a prep school for a year as an Assistant Matron when I was 17.
We had one boy of 5, the rest were 8 - 13.
I thought it was a terrible idea sending children away at such a young age. They were far too young and not emotionally ready to cope with it. There was so little support for them when they were upset, only me really.
I think it is only suitable for 13 + children, if it is what they wish to do.

My child has just gone to boarding prep school and he absolutely loves it. He wasn’t “sent” against his will, which is perhaps different from some of the experiences on this thread, he was keen on going.

He was quite lonely before he went, being an only child of a single mother, and he wasn’t all that happy at his day school.

But now he has lots of “brothers” who between them enjoy all the same small boy things that he does, and lots of excellent older male role models at exactly the right time in his development for that kind of thing (see Steve Biddulph). He loves coming home every weekend or two for exeats and half terms AND he loves going back to school because they have so much fun.

If he is happy then I am happy, and the time we have together is so much better now because I am always completely “present” and focused on him when he is home, not trying to juggle other things. I look at some of the other parents at his old day school, who thought it was scandalous to send a child to boarding prep, and I see people who do long hours at the office and mostly delegate their children to nannies, au pairs and housekeepers, and when they DO see their children it usually features a tearful argument with an exhausted child about homework.

Some people, particularly people of my generation and older, had a miserable time at boarding school, and I know first hand how that stays with you. However times have changed, and I think it can make really good sense for some families and some children.

Both DH and I have covid so transporting the children to school is challenging to say the least. For that reason our son who is 8 boarded for 3 nights. He has done one night in the past which he enjoyed and always insists he wants to be a boarder. The school was lovely with him and the other, older boys were very kind but by the third night he was ready to come home. My sister was a full boarder from age 8 and didnt come home at half term, only the long holidays . I can't imagine...

Slightly different perspective : I work at a boarding school. In general, the sixth formers cope with it really well, years 9-11 usually enjoy it (and they're kept very busy! It's really like a massive sleepover) but the younger kids yr7&8 do struggle. We don't take boarders in the prep school thank god, because I don't think I could be part of that, it would break my heart.

@Earlybirdwins

I went to boarding school between 8-18 and I’m now 46. I would never send a child to boarding school. I know some children have had positive experiences- perhaps they went to boarding school slightly older. But in my experience I felt lost, unwanted and in the way. You’re in an environment where there are no hugs or love - I think it’s too young to go to boarding school. Your house mistress/master may do their best but they can’t love you and give you the security that comes from your family. A child needs love and security. I know not all homes have a loving family but I wouldn’t recommend boarding school - not for anyone say under 13. I’m only sharing my experience but I’ve recently started to see a psychotherapist and she recommended the book ‘boarding school syndrome’ - it has helped me understand why I’ve struggled so much in my life. I’ve lived a pretty solitary and lonely life. Boarding school is like putting someone into child care IMO.

I totally agree with you.although I was only in boarding school for 2 years,my ability to have a close bond/trust in any humans is very small.Live with my best trusted friends(my 2 dogs) now.never had kids.Boarding school leaves you with a permanent scar and parents who do it are cruel.

Under 13 I can't imagine it. My dad went at 6 and was a totally distorted personality. My late dh went at 8 and he took his own life 3 years ago. Correlation is very definitely not causation - the behavioural problems in my late dh that caused his parents to take him away from his state primary were probably early evidence if his mental health issues, and it was in fact the bullying in the state sector when he had to leave boarding school aged 14 that really destroyed him - but the fracture that early boarding placed between him and his parents absolutely was a factor. It is nearly always a pretty odd choice for a young child imo.

In my day there were no weekends at home. You boarded full half term so no contact with family for 7-8 weeks except letters. No pay phone on site either. I lived with extended family under the same regime from 9 and then boarded from 11. It’s not a good idea.

Shame on any boarding school that accepts children under 13. Surely as a safeguarding issue, given what is known about the psychological damage of being separated, there should be a legal minimum age.

I boarded from 16 and my DH from 13. Both of us were adamant that our kids would never board.

I don't approve of boarding schools unless there is a very good reason, and to send children so young away to school is nothing short of cruelty in my opinion. I don't care how good the school and its boarding facilities are it is no replacement for a family, and I also believe it is best for children to go to school in the community in which they live.

I went at 7, in the early 80s. It has definitely damaged my ability to make relationships.

When my own DC got to the end of Year 2, I looked at them and could not quite believe it. My mum refuses to talk about it.

I went to boarding school at 8 and weekly boarded (went home after Saturday morning school). I wanted to go and I was much, much happier there than I had been at my previous school as a day pupil.

I think the type of school helps, mine was tiny (fewer than 100 children in the whole school), very familial atmosphere and we had ponies and pets etc. All the pupils whose parents could afford it opted to flexi board at least a few nights a week even if they lived 5 mins down the road because it was fun and a nice atmosphere.

I hated boarding at my senior school, but I hated the school full stop. I am quite solitary as an adult, but I was before boarding anyway, so I think that's just my personality. I don't struggle to form relationships/with being a parent as a result of being at boarding school.

Would I pick the same for my DS? Probably not, mainly because we don't need to as, although DH is in the Army, we made a conscious decision to buy a house and have some stability in our lives. That's not a perfect solution, though, as means he often works away and is only home at weekends, which upsets DS. If we went back to moving around all the time again then I think boarding school is the better option than constantly changing schools. I also think it gave me some good qualities that have been really helpful in my adult life. It does teach you to be resilient and independent, which aren't bad things.

@Thighdentitycrisis

In my day there were no weekends at home. You boarded full half term so no contact with family for 7-8 weeks except letters. No pay phone on site either. I lived with extended family under the same regime from 9 and then boarded from 11. It’s not a good idea.

Luckily there are no boarding schools like that anymore. I understand that many people on this thread had bad experiences several decades ago - including me. Obviously locking up a small child in school and throwing away the key for three months with absolutely no contact with family is a bad idea.

But you cannot judge schools of today (or parents whose kids attend them) by those standards. This does not happen now.

I wouldn't send a child to boarding school as young as 8, but 12/13 I think is fine.
It really depends upon the child though. At age 12, I begged and begged to go, I dreamed of being at boarding school but "wasn't allowed" because I was a girl. My father told me I would have been sent if I was a boy!!
In later life I spent many years working in a boarding school, I think it compensated for what I didn't have as a child.
When my own son was 12 I sent him to boarding school, thinking I was giving him the chance I didn't get as a youngster. Sadly, he hated it. It really does depend upon personality.

This is such an old thread but it popped up into actives and I ended up watching the documentary this morning.

I ended up feeling really angry with the parents! The mums could have easily stayed put somewhere whilst their dhs moved about and had their children home with them. There is no way on earth anyone would separate me from my dc in those circumstances.

And poor April so homesick and her dad and the school staff stopping her from talking to her mum! The children don’t “adjust” they just learn to disassociate themselves. Bury their feelings. It’s totally and utterly wrong.

@bagelsandbrie
Do you know much about the military? A typical army posting lasts two to three years on average. Army officers can expect multiple overseas postings in their careers (eg Canada, Germany, Cyprus, Gibraltar) plus all over the UK. What you are saying is that it is better for a family to be separated for years on end. How is it good for children to live apart more or less permanently from their serving parent, and for couples to live apart more or less permanently from each other?

@Thingaling First of all, the children ARE away from the serving parent (as well as their other parent) more or less permanently in boarding school as well so why is it better to be away from both parents than from one? My parents moved around A LOT when I was younger (I lived in 5 different countries by the age of 12) and I am very grateful to them that they took me with them and didn't dump me in a boarding school.

I can't believe you think it's normal to send your primary aged child to board. Why does he want to be away from home? I'm a single parent to an only child and my daughter and I are extremely close. She wouldn't want to live away from home with strangers instead if me. She can have sleepovers with friends and our house or theirs, but would never choose for that to be a permanent arrangement. And just because you pawn off normal parenting tasks like helping with homework to strangers, so you can be a fun Disney parent, doesn't make this any better

Does anyone know when Boris Johnson started boarding?

[quote Thingaling]@bagelsandbrie
Do you know much about the military? A typical army posting lasts two to three years on average. Army officers can expect multiple overseas postings in their careers (eg Canada, Germany, Cyprus, Gibraltar) plus all over the UK. What you are saying is that it is better for a family to be separated for years on end. How is it good for children to live apart more or less permanently from their serving parent, and for couples to live apart more or less permanently from each other?[/quote]
I will admit I know nothing about it all but I would rather be separated from my dh than from my child and I know my dh would feel the same.

And yes the child is already separated from one parent - why should they be separated from both? It’s madness. Just because people do it doesn’t make it right. It’s a choice.

imagine if people from deprived sectors of society had sent their children away to live in cold, unloving environments where they were often physically or sexually abused and that even when this abuse was uncovered nothing was done by parents to protect the names of the schools
Many children with disabilities are, and a family on a low income is more likely to have a child with a disability (or vice versa).
The LEA want my DS to go to a specialist school and it goes from Y3 and has boarding. We spoke to a Y5 parent who is local (like us, we're in the NW). There is a boy in her son's class who boards 52 weeks and is from Devon.