Boarding School - should we or shouldn't we?

[kangeroo]

HELP! We are an armed forces family and trying to make the decision whether to send our two kids to boarding school or not. The alternative is to take them with us every time we are posted around the world - generally every 2 years and not always good schools, or me to stay in one place and the kids go to local school and DH travels back at weekends. Boarding school will give them stable ed for next 9 or 10 years. DD has mild learning problems and needs the stability. But I talked to an ed phych who said they could get separation anxiety at boarding school and get depression later in life or other phych problems in adult life. None of the alternatives looks good. Any ideas? This is killing me!

a hard choice. for me personally I would want to keep the family together, regardless.

i know a military family who sent their 2 daughters to boarding school, my friend loved it there and enjoyed it immensely. but it was terrible when she had to leave because she was SO attached to it and she had a LOT of issues for a long time because of that.

and then there are the issues as you mention, of seperation anxiety and all sorts that come from living away from your family.

I think a child in the middle of a loving and caring family that is regularly moved would fare better than one that had stability but was away from their parents. personally

We will get boarding school allowance but if we then take the kids out we have to pay it back and that would be difficult so its diffcult to do a trial of one year. and anyway you never get the time back do you.

Do you have to leave the country? We have several forces families at our school and they just seem to board weekly and go to their home base at the weekends. Obv might not be possible for you.

Our school specialises in learning difficulties like dyslexia and the pastoral care is good but I would be concerned about term-long boarding if they were littl'uns.

Yes and what worries me is I'm not there if anything goes wrong at school i might be the other side of the world

what is your gut instinct?

only 8 and 9 yrs old and yes might be germany

What age are they? I think the benefits of stability at boarding school are more important when they get to senior school and are working towards qualifications, but at primary age the benefits of being with your family are much greater than boarding school can give.

to keep them with us but one is not doing well at school and moving wouldn't help

X-posts there - I'd not have considered it for my DS at that age, but then I wasn't in the same situation. A child's stability comes more from family and home at that age, not so much from school.

I was an RAF kid and my brother and I didn't go to boarding school. We moved as a family until I got to GCE stage and then dad did an unaccompanied tour in Berlin while we stayed in the UK. I don't think the moving affected us as we had never known any different and we both did well academically (although db did take the long route!)

How about a compromise-move them with you but let them board from year 9 so that they get used to it before exam courses start.
I had friends who started their DCs as day pupils at a boarding school and graduated to weekly boarding and then, by the time they were posted abroad they were happy to board full time.

my cousin went to a boarding school from 7 as his parents were journalists. tbh brutally honest it affected him very badly emotionally and I don't think he has ever got over it. On top of that he wasn't very academic anyway so despite being at eton didn't do well at school.

Also as a parent you will never get those years back.

We are an Armed Forces family (RN), and have done the following.

From when ds was born (1995) until 2006, we did a mixture of weekending (thankfully the sea time was over), and when dh originally was appointed to Brussels, we six weeked it (long way from Brussels to Cornwall, whichever way you do it). I taught and ds went to prep. We coped.

In 2006 when dh had been here two years, he was told that he had another appointment out here until 2010. We considered leaving ds at prep and boarding, but he wanted to come to Brussels, so he has been at the BSB since 2006 and is now in Year 8. The aim is to stay here until 2012 when GCSEs are done.

I am a forces brat and went to several different primaries when I was young. I found it hard to fit in and make friends once the cliques had formed and I arrived after that, and it was always hard to leave your friends and start again at a new school.

If your postings will be in the UK you have the hassle of trying to sort out an MQ and a school, and not always as you recognise getting a good school. I know one lad at the prep ds went to whose Dad is in the Army in Germany and sent him to board in Devon precisely because of this.

As I don't know if we will be able to stay out here beyond 2010, I am having to start researching boarding schools soon, as I will want him to go from year 9, so he is settled and had time and space to choose his options.

The responses on here have been sensible so far, but you may get the very anti boarding school brigade on here soon, who don't necessarily understand the pressures on Forces families. May I suggest you post this in Forces Sweethearts, as there are several families from all three services in your position on that particular section of the board. Many of them have been there, and can give you good advice and recommend schools as well.

Hope that helps. It seems to be your marriage or your kids on occasions with the Forces!

I agree with you, noonki. I went to boarding school from the age of 12 and feel it will never be something I would want for my dc's. As you say 'you will never get those years back'. A childhood is very short and I want to make the best of it, by spending as much time as possible with my dc's.

I also think having boarded has affected my relationship with my parents, as I never used to tell them anything about my life that they didn't need to know. Consequently, I ended up quite depressed at times because I never felt anyone cared that much at school and my parents weren't there to talk to at the time I needed them. I just used to keep my head down and pretend all was well.

I have a friend from an army family and she moved all around the world with them. She hated it because she was always the 'new girl' trying to fit in, and just as she felt she belonged they were off again. It has affected her adult friendships because if people move away she blocks them out, it was her way of coping as a DC-she found that when she started a new school it was better not to mention her friends or experiences from the last school.
I think it depends a lot on the personalities of the DCs and how they cope with change.

My expdp was a forces child. He and his brother went to boarding school at 7

He never forgave his parents, and has a very very distant relationhip with them. His father tlod me later, that he regretted sending them away as he had lost the best years of their life, and had never built a proper relatioahip with them

I went from 8. Hated it. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

You shouldn't. You might not regret it, and your child may never give you reason to regret it, but your child will almost certainly regret it, if they retain sufficient contact with their own feelings to be able to identify regret.

I think there is a great difference between sending them at 7 or at 13yrs.

But op's dc are only 8 and 9 which is v young

I don't think she is necessarily thinking of sending them now- my suggestion was year 9.

My DH went to boarding school at 9 due to his father being in the forces and loved it. My ex boyfriend was in the same situation and loved his boarding school too. My BILs also went to boarding school with DH and one of they is dyslexic and was held back a year after several years of moving school. He probably benefitted most from going away to school and would freely admit that.

PIL bought a house near the boarding school and when she could or had to (FIL went to Belize and she couldn't go) MIL lived there and saw the boys a lot more often. They also had an aunty and uncle with no children of their own who would see them when possible. I don't think you have to be cut off from family, necessarily.

I don't think it is an easy decision. For what it is worth, though he loved his school days and still talks about it with fondness, DH says he could never send our boys away.

My dh went at 9 and loved it. He asked to board as he felt he was missing out on activities that the boarders did.

You have to balance what is right for you as a family with the needs of the Forces. It's not easy, and sometimes boarding school is the answer. The Forces are not designed to take the needs of the families into account, although they seem to be trying harder than before; but only you can work out how to balance the needs of your dh's career; your marriage, and the education of your children.

Deciding to weekend or seeing each other less frequently is not an easy option for you; however nice it may be for your kids to be in one place. I know; I did it for years, and it feels as if you are choosing your career/child over the needs of the person you married. You risk growing apart and it is difficult to slot back in to your relationship for the odd weekend here and there. We've been married 22 years, and have been apart one way or another for roughly 15 of those. It gets hard to make it work.

You also need to consider the types of posting you can expect. Whilst some BFG schools are good, others are not. Some are due to close fairly soon. Boarding your kids will give a consistent standard of education; and will also have the advantage of preparing them for Common Entrance at 13 if you plan to board them at secondary.

I don't think that you have to pay back BSA if you withdraw your kids. There are circumstances where you can withdraw them, and it does say withdraw them without authority. Presumably if you give notice and tell the Pay Office there's not a problem.

Greensleeves - what are you talking about? All the people I know who've gone to boarding school are normal people who are perfectly in touch with their feelings. I'm married to one and both my db and my bil went as well, as does one of my nephews, and the other will go in September next year at 11.

You dont have to pay back BSA, so stop worrying about that!!

Please only listen to the views (both good and bad) of those whose dc are at boarding school now. I went to boarding school in the late 80s and had an entirely different experience to that of my ds who is now in his second year of boarding.

The kids generally have a wonderful time... we very rarely get phonecalls as he is too busy, or having too much fun. The mind set of boarding schools is "keep them occupied, then they will not get homesick"

Yes it is a tough decision, especially if there is a move abroad on the cards; I would choose a school that has a fair few long-term boarders. DS' school for example would not suit as the majority of the boarders go home at weekends; but our neighbours' son goes to a school in Devon (we are Hampshire) where they all stay from the beginning of the term to the end.

I agree with everything scaryteacher said; boarding is not for everyone, but it gives forces children continuity, a good standard of education and are surrounded by like minded children and supportive house mums/dads.

"But I talked to an ed phych who said they could get separation anxiety at boarding school and get depression later in life or other phych problems in adult life."

Yes, but then again they might not. In the end you have to weigh the pros and cons and make what is the best decision for your family.