Boarding School - should we or shouldn't we?

[kangeroo]

HELP! We are an armed forces family and trying to make the decision whether to send our two kids to boarding school or not. The alternative is to take them with us every time we are posted around the world - generally every 2 years and not always good schools, or me to stay in one place and the kids go to local school and DH travels back at weekends. Boarding school will give them stable ed for next 9 or 10 years. DD has mild learning problems and needs the stability. But I talked to an ed phych who said they could get separation anxiety at boarding school and get depression later in life or other phych problems in adult life. None of the alternatives looks good. Any ideas? This is killing me!

"But I talked to an ed phych who said they could get separation anxiety at boarding school and get depression later in life or other phych problems in adult life."

Yes, but then again they might not. In the end you have to weigh the pros and cons and make what is the best decision for your family.

I wouldn't move them too often - transitions are very stressful and if you move schools that often the likelihood of having a bad transition (ie feeling like you don't fit in etc) is quite high, although I guess with forces situations they may be with others in a similar situation. So I would choose between the other two options, whichever you think would give the best stability as a family. (I work in mental health btw). Tough choice. And I would talk through the options with them, so they have some control/sense of shared ownership of the decision, if that's possible.

We're not Forces, but we do get moved around the world every three or four years. For this reason DS1 (11) has been boarding for almost three years. We put him in early so that we could manage the transition (and take him out if he didn't like it) while we were on a home tour, but it has been a really good experience for him right from the start. DS2 (7) can't wait to join him (but won't for a few years yet). There are several Army children at DS1's school, some of whose parents are nearby and others who are overseas.

DH boarded (his choice, was a day boy at a boarding school from 8, and as an only child preferred to be with his mates 24/7 than his parents ).

It very much depends on the child and the school. I suggest you go and see some schools, meet the children and see what you think. As others have suggested maybe think about weekly boarding to start with.

We ar being posted to the US next year, DS1 came with us at half term to see the school DS2 is going to (which he could also attend) and said he'd rather be where he is in the wilds of the countryside surrounded by rugby pitches than than Manhattan . While I'm slightly sad that DS! doesn't wnat to come with us, I'm very happy that he is so happy and settled at school.

There was another boarding school thread a few weeks ago which you might want to have a look at.

Kamgeroo - Do you think your DH would definitely stay in the army for the duration of your DC's education? What would be the implications if he didn't? Could they still stay at their school if they loved it?

Greensleeves - DH and his brothers are perfectly in touch with their emotions. Where did you get the idea these children are cut off from their emotions?! Nonsense.

The boarders at the school I work generally love boarding. They don't have to make new friends every two years, or potentially learn a new language every two years. For those from farms they get to do things they wouldn't be able to do like learn a musical instrument (no teacher for a 100 miles in every direction), Saturday sport, have loads of friends to play with.

My BIL boarded and is very screwed up - but I think he was before he went TBH (maybe part of the reason he was sent?)

I can't tell the difference between the day boys and the boarders in my year 5 classes. It's not like they sit in a corner and sniffle whilst rending their garments.

kangaroo

My 3 eldest board and love it, whatever others who are anti will tell you. They have been known to come on MN and fight their corner, too . The key points for you will be a) finding the right school so that you have total confidence and b) being 100% organised outside term time and being there for them. Separation anxiety happens to a lot of kids for a lot of reasons, and having a peripatetic forces life will stop them making stable friendships at school, which imho is just as important. people who are anti will never, ever accept that today's boarders are a world away from the stereotypes of the past. For example, my children are close mates with a girl from Cayman, two boys from Korea, one from India (but father is Peruvian UN diplomat) a brother and sister whose parents are stationed in Vietnam and two whose parents are with the Red Cross in Darfur. Not everyone at boarding school has a silver spoon. My advice would be to go and look at schools yourself. If you want help with prep schools then I can recommend one but not on line, feel free to CAT me if you want.

Boarding school may well be the right solution for some forces families. BUT generally, I have to say of the two dozen adults I know who boarded, none has sent their own children away to school.

I agree with the poster who said talk to people at boarding schools now because the experience is very different now.

My personal issue with boarding school which wasn't terribly good for me, is that we all became too close. We all bonded very well and leaving school was a real wrench for all of us, amking the transition to university too hard. Most of us old girls would still count our school friends as amongst our closest friends. It's the nature of that type of school.

We're a forces family. I move with DH and work as a nurse, so easy for me to transfer. DD age 15 started boarding at the beginning of this year (so beginning of GCSE years) and so far is loving it. If she didn't love it I would take her out straight away, no hesitation. But your DCs are rather young being only 8 and 9, I'd wait til secondary school age personally. But I think its good for them not to have to move schools every two years, DD hated it.

I went to boarding school at 8 and although I loved it I remember nights of crying myself to sleep thinking of home which will be the only negative thing I really remember from that time. I was homesick in exactly the same way at my next school at 11 and neither school were to blame and I had lots of great friends espec as a result of sharing so much time with them.

My parents had to be abroad for a while too so my education was stable where I was and I always thrived academically and in terms of lifelong friends but personally I wouldn't send DD to boarding school until sixth form if she wanted to go I don't think (she's 2 so not exactly relevant yet!). Even if we had to travel, I'd like to think she might benefit from wider experiences where we went? Also by the time I left school it was v claustophobic as too long in one place.
these are just personal experiences so I have great faith you'll make the right decision for you

My DD1 just started as a weekly boarder in September, at the beginning of Year 5 (she is 10 next month).

We made the decision because even though DH is Navy and not especially mobile (nothing like the Army) our local senior schools are poor (our catchment school is dire, there was no way she was going there).

For us it was about the opportunity of receiving a good quality education that can provide stability and continuity should DH get drafted. I moved schools 3 times between 11 and 13 and hated it and want DD1 to feel secure and stable.

Boarding school now is very different from even 15 years ago. My DDs school offers so many activities and opportunities she doesn't have time to be homesick! (And the lovely long holidays I now have with her are great )

In your position I wouldn't be able to bear being in a different country to my DCs. I would probably take them abroad and send them to private International Schools.

Hopefully you would meet other families in a similar position and your DSs will enjoy living in different places.

I am part of the "anti" squad...

HOWEVER.... DH grew up in the forces and spent much of his time in Germany. He had to change every 2 years, which did suck, but he also speaks of running into lots of the same people.
He is fluent in German, and very confident in many different situations.
I know someone else who moved every 2 years, and she makes friends very easily.

It doesn't have to be all bad!!

Happy Womble - but it is alright then to be in a different country from your husband? Please explain how that works?

The Armed Forces either pay Boarding Schools Allowance for schooling in the UK, or send children to a Service School as in Germany or at SHAPE. Anything else (apart from the anomaly in Brussels and perhaps the US), you have to pay for yourself.

The other thing about the Forces, for those who don't know; is that you don't get the luxury of knowing very far in advance where or when you are being posted. You may if lucky get 6 months notice and in that time have to find accomodation and sort out schooling. You are also NOT moved in line with term dates or academic years.

My dh is due to leave his current appointment in Belgium in Oct/Nov 2010. DS starts year 10 in September 2010. I will be lucky if I know where/when we are going in April 2010, and that will take a lot of hassling to achieve that. My options for ds's education are then limited as we will be late for state school entry, and also for private schools, and he will have to choose options at a school he doesn't know with teachers he doesn't know. That's why I'm considering sending him to boarding school from next September so that he is in one place for at least three years until GCSEs as the RN can't guarantee me that.

Incidentally, for ds's school (a private international one) the fees for year 3-6 which covers the OPs children is euro 20,700 per year (per child), plus euro 1150 (deposit for the two children) non refundable deposit. The Forces apart from here as I mentioned earlier do not pay day fees, so the OP would have to find that out of salary if she followed HW's suggestion of a private international day school.

Scaryteacher - the tone of your comment to me is a bit unfriendly. If the OP takes her children with her abroad she won't be in a different country from her DH will she - they will all be in the same country. Although I can appreciate that some countries would not be ideal bases for bringing up a family.

I only gave my personal opinion that I would not want to be in a different country from my children..the OP asked for people's thoughts so I gave mine.

I can see from your post that the decision on what to do over schooling must be very difficult, particulary around the GCSE/A Level years and I certainly wouldn't criticise anyone who chose to send the DCs to boarding school. My DH whose father was in the RN went to boarding school from 8 and loved it.

I'm sorry if my contribution to this thread was unhelpful. I hope people who have direct experience of this type of choice will be able to help OP.

I don't think that you can make general comments on this, you have to know the DCs in question.
I found change difficult as a DC so I think I would have preferred my school life to remain stable. One good point about boarding schools is that the holidays are long.
My best friend at secondary school was from an army family and she had never done more than 3 years in one place, her education had suffered-she was a clever girl but didn't perform well.

I think this is one of those situations where boarding school can be a real blessing, as it provides stability. And there are some nice ones around.

The only reason why my inner voice mutters 'I wouldn't want to do this' is that I am not in this situation myself; and I suspect that goes for a lot of the negative posts. But this is really an irrelevant viewpoint: the OP is and that is the starting point from which she has to make her decision.

As parents we all find ourselves from time to time in a situation where we have to make decisions not from some ideal starting point but from the position we happen to be in. Lots of us can't afford private, lots of us can't afford to move next to high-performing schools, some need special schools for children with SN, my choice of school had to consider my dd's disability, the OP's family are in the forces...

You assess what your starting point is and you make your choice from that. No point to sit around wishing it was different (yes, nice if dd wasn't disabled or if we were loaded but it ain't going to happen- no point in beating ourselves up about it and comparing ourselves to families with a different life).

I am married into the forces and my eldest started boarding at 7. She is now 10. For her she needed the stability. The moving around was really affectin her. Also, she has a medical condition that needs monitorin and getting health record etc sent and new appointments arranged on every move was awful. The NHS waiting lists dont care if you are only somewhere for 18months - you still have to wait a year to be seen etc etc. Now all her med. care is under one NHS trust, so there is also continuity there.
She loves it and is thriving. I did ask her a while back if she would like to leave and o to the local primary on base but she looked horrified by the suggestion!

I worry about the sepeartion anxiety. I sometimes STILL after 21/2 years lie awake some nights worrying whether we have done the right thing etc.

Seperation anxiety - I worry about that although DD1 has seemed fine. We really have had no problems. Another bonus on the seperation front is I have noticed when DH has done recent 6month tours away his absence seems to have little effect on her, unlike the tears and sleepless nights she used to have when he went away before she started boarding. So there are 2 sides to the coin.

I went to an all girls BS for a shortwhile. I loved it. Even though it was very strict and prim "no looking at the boys in church please girls" in plum voices!! LOL. There is a HUGE difference in modern boarding school compared to 15/20 years ago.

No one can make the decision for you. We chose to do it early beacause of fequent moves and DD1 was suffering - she obviously is not the type of child to cope with frequent moves - some kids thrive on the moves though. You know your kids. Another bonus in our eyes of starting early was if it didnt work out, there was plenty of time to reintergrate into local schools etc. My youngest 7 is joinin her sister after Xmas. I am not quite so confident she will settle as easily, but she wants to join her sister and not change school aain when we move in Feb. If it does not work out I have no problems in taking her out.

Another point I would like to make about Forces Life is that on our last 2 postings we may have had 12 weeks notice but no address until 10 and 12 days before actually moving. When moving to a large garrison/camp your address can effect which school catchment you come under. Its not always just one school. We have been found knocking on a schools door on the first day of term with a child in tow asking if she can start before now, because of this very reason.

My dd is 11 and nearly at the end of her first term boarding. She absolutely loves it, loves everything apart from missing home. Having said that at the end of exeat weekend I virtually got a goodbye ! There was a personality clash between 2 of the girls in her room (4 in a room at that age), it was sorted quickly and all the girls in her house are getting on really well.

We get loads of emails & texts and even though she's been unwell with low grade tonsillitus she's been happy & not wanted to come back.

I'm the same as Slummy any sign that she was truly unhappy (rather than venting over a bad day which has happened once) then she would have left.

I agree the holidays are wonderful, the first few weeks of term were horrendous I can't remember the last time I cried so much. Fortunately my younger children won't want/be able/hopefully not need to go.

ScareyTeacher
"The responses on here have been sensible so far, but you may get the very anti boarding school brigade on here soon, who don't necessarily understand the pressures on Forces families. May I suggest you post this in Forces Sweethearts, as there are several families from all three services in your position on that particular section of the board. Many of them have been there, and can give you good advice and recommend schools as well."

I am sorry you don't feel you can get a balanced view unless you are talking to parents who are in the forces.
My parents were in the forces and that is how they justified sending us away. To this day my Mum thinks she made the right decision - even when faced with 3 children who were very obviously damaged by the experience.
I dont think you can make a decision based round the parents view surely the view that counts is the views of the people who have been through it and for every one person who came out of the experience unscathed there are 10 more who have been damaged.

ByThePowerOfBaileys

Part of the issue is that some parents choose to ignore how their children are, don't read in between the lines etc etc. So I think many of the adults who were damaged as children because they went to boarding school may have been damaged by not going because their parents were clearly not able to meet their childrens needs.

I am aghast when I read statements from people who hated it and their parents did not withdraw them, or who said everything was fine & their parents couldnt (actually probably wouldn't) read into their behaviour.

I was very emotionally damaged by my upbringing, boarding school may well have been my saviour perhaps there someone would have cared how I was, they certainly didn't at home.

BTPOB - having seen several boarding versus non boarding debates on MN, I am well aware that there are several people out there who are very anti boarding no matter what the family situation. To avoid the OP being made to feel guilty even for considering this; and to get an opinion from people who make this choice for their kids due to the pressures of service life, I suggested she posted it in Forces Sweethearts.

I don't think I said I wouldn't get a balanced view did I? However, those of us who are current Forces families have this debate a lot, and have info on what are currently the best schools, and those who do a good deal for the Armed Forces.

I think also boarding has changed considerably over the last 20 years. An RM friend last night told us about his experiences at Harrow - totally different from my dh's experiences at Canford; my brother's at RHS; and my nephew currently at boarding school in Devon.

I'm sorry you did not enjoy boarding school, but a lot of it is down to knowing which school would be right for your child. I know loads of people who really enjoyed boarding, and several kids who really enjoy it now and I would look at that, as things move on and schools change.

I think that the parent's views are the ones that count; especially if they have a child at boarding school at present and can give advice to the OP. As parents we have to make the decisions for our children; it's part of parenting. I am currently investigating sending my ds to board from September if his school here doesn't improve rapidly in supporting him. He doesn't want to go, but he has only one crack at an education, and I may have to decide that boarding is the way forward irrespective of his preferring to be at home.

My DCs go to a boarding school, though they don't board - but I just wanted to say that the dorms are fab, homely and the kids have a ball. It's not at all how people picture it.
The kids all call home and email whenever they want.
The only thing I would say is that a couple of my DDs friends are not settled - something that should be blindingly obvious to their parents (perhaps they just don't wnat to believe it). So I do think you need to be tuned in to anything untoward.

i have had nothing to do with the forces but i moved schools alot (for various reasons) i think i went to about 6/7 primarys that i can remeber and 4 high schools before finally requesting at the age of 14 to go to boarding school and finished my gcse's there (because my mum died and i wanted to get away from the place where me and my mum lived - running away from my grief i suppose)

i personally always looked at changing schools/ areas as a huge adventure (i think my mum put that slant on it) and i was really comfortable with it and have become quite adaptable and outgoing because of having to make new friend and get used to new surroundings.....the downside is that i am quite aware that things could change at any moment and be taken away at the drop of a hat so i dont really give myself 100% (although i am much better now than i used to be)

Going to boarding school was my choice, it was lovely because it was stable and always there and i knew that i was going to be with the same people for the next 2 years and that was good for me at the time. I was horrendously homesick though and ended up kicking up a fuss to go and stay with my brothers on weekends. i was quite rebelious at the time anf fluctuated between hating the rigidity and loving the stability. In retrospect though i really miss that school and wish i had tried harder, it could have been extremely good for me had i let it.

theses are my feelings & experiences of course but i just though i would post incase it was at all helpfull

good luck

It depends so much on the child, the school and on how you feel about it.

My father worked outside the UK for all but 2 years of my schooling. I did a glorious mixture of local convent school, local British army schools (day and boarding), local international school (boarding)and finally a girls' public school in the UK. I boarded from 11. Looking back on it, I quite enjoyed the boarding, and went to some extraordinarily good schools. (My much younger sister boarded from 8, and had a much tougher time of it.) It helped that my grandparents were incredibly supportive, as were my uncle and his wife.

My mother found it incredibly hard to have us away at school, but my parents seemed to be in agreement that they were doing their very best to get us a good eduction, and certainly my father turned down jobs in the UK which would not have paid enough to support three daughters at boarding school.

Now, they live a longish way from their original home town, I live at the far end of the country and my two sisters live in the USA and Australia. We are all three of us pretty rootless.

I find that now, making decisions about school for my son, I am probably more hung up about stability and local roots than I am about boarding as such. If I were living overseas and likely to stay put, I would probably opt for the local international school (but with all the caveats about where he will then consider to be 'home') If I were likely to keep moving around, I would look very hard for a boarding school in or close to our home town so that my son developed some roots.