Boarding School - should we or shouldn't we?

[kangeroo]

HELP! We are an armed forces family and trying to make the decision whether to send our two kids to boarding school or not. The alternative is to take them with us every time we are posted around the world - generally every 2 years and not always good schools, or me to stay in one place and the kids go to local school and DH travels back at weekends. Boarding school will give them stable ed for next 9 or 10 years. DD has mild learning problems and needs the stability. But I talked to an ed phych who said they could get separation anxiety at boarding school and get depression later in life or other phych problems in adult life. None of the alternatives looks good. Any ideas? This is killing me!

It might not be much help, but on a very superficial level and to show how much boarding has changed. My son is home from boarding school ill at he moment. This afternoon he got a phonecall from his 'house parent' to ask what flavour icecream he wanted at the pantomime they are going to on saturday as they have to prebook it - did he want a vanilla, strawberry or chocolate tub or a choc ice! It wouldn't have happened 20 years ago.

We're not in the forces but the special school timetable for our year 6 son dictates that he must be a boarder at prep school, for 4 days of the week. He comes home for the rest and we live close, so its' not reallyt he same situation as for those who must send their children away to a different country.

We all found it very hard for the first half term - lots of tears - but after that it did seem to get easier, as the consolations of boarding (eg Matron's cat; footie in the playground with mates every evening as opposed to fighting siblings at home; cooked breakfasts!) began to sink in.

Good luck all - it seems, whatever we decide, so much will depends on who the others are like - staff and pupils.

We are not a forces family, but just this week my DS aged 10 and only child, transfered from the state sector to be a weekly boarder at a prep 55 miles away. In my DS case, he has dyslexia and the prep is a specialist school, but the decision to send your child away to school is never an easy one.

Neither my husband or I went to independent school, but I would suggest that you give a lot of thought to what your child needs are and what they are like in terms of their personality. You will never know whatever decision you take, was the right one but if you can get the children to buy into the idea of being at school it will go some way to helping you make a decision. From talking to other mums of boarders, it seems that the children that accept why they board and look forward to the challenge do tend to settle better whilst those who have strong links with their current school, friends and home environment and do not want to move, do struggle to make the transition. That is not to say the latter children don't settle, but that they find it more difficult and confusing as they may see going away to school as a punishment no matter what your good intentions are.

Schools do vary from quite large to smaller ones, do you want a school that goes to 18 or one that they leave at 13 and again, you need to consider how your child may cope in that enviroment. My DS goes to a very small boys school as we felt he could not cope in a larger establishment. We would have preferred a co-ed but they are not many that take younger boarders.

It may be that the needs of each of your children is different and that no one school can meet both their needs. I would say look around, do lots of research. For your child that has dyslexia look at CRESTED schools some of which are specialist whilst others not.

Whilst the ed psych may have an option, YOU ultimately know your children, not them. Also, you don't know whether their opinion carries their own personal views or experience of boarding. You may find family members and friends that think it is a bad idea, but what really matters is what you and your partner think is best for your children.

I wish you well with whatever decision your family makes.

My son's are at boarding school and having a ball. They went at 8. However I would suggest they are day pupils first, then flexi board a couple of nights before moving onto full boarding. One of my son's is currently a day boy (age 9) because I was missing him but he is begging to board again.

Both boys are very loving and close to me - closer and more affectionate than when they were are home. And then there are the long holidays. My son's school has 26 weeks off a year which is the longest, I'm sure but others are easily 20 weeks.

Take them with you unti age 13, then go for boarding. It'll be fine. When they are young it's horrendous to imagine them boarding, I know. The key thing is to choose a school your children love and that you feel confidence in - otherwise you will feel tortured with worry. We used the Good Schools Guide for info, but there are probably other sources.

It depends on the sort of relationship you want with your children - for us stability for our son was most important and I wanted to be around for him all the time rather than just during the hols/on exeat weekends. So OH works away during the week and DS has at least parent there for him whenever he needs/wants one. It works for us but other friends wanted to put their relationship with their partner first and not live apart so went for the boarding option. Some children cope well with moving around and enjoy it, others don't and need the stability of either boarding school or a fixed home somewhere. At the end of the day you and your OH know your children best and what would suit them. Sadly forces life means there is no easy option!

I boarded from 9-18. My parents still think I enjoyed it as I have never been able to express how miserable my life was. The effects have been life long. Imagine spending 6 years with 28 other girls (we only mixed in our year groups) and them deciding on the first night that you weren't really good enough - "we are going to make your life hell".... and they then kept their promise! I went to a school with some seriously rich and titled chd, some even lived in stately home! Then there was me.... army brat from simple middle class home. I have a distinct memory of sitting in a window just after 'O' levels looking up to the hills beyond and thinking "I just have to do 2 more years and I get out". Looking back I can't imagine a prisioner would think any differently.
We moved to a new area at the same time I moved schools and so in the holidays I had no-one to play with.
To be honest if I had had parents who actually listened to me perhaps things might have been different. I love them but we are not close in a sharing kinda way. I have never heard either of them say they loved me. It's simply not something they would be capable of doing.
Anyway I guess what my ramble is trying to get at is that it's the communication between you and your children that is the most important thing so that whatever you decide you can be sure any issues can be worked through and they will always know that you love them. I was always to scared to tell my parent how I felt.
I hope you feel happy in whatever school you choose. Times have changed and I know schools have as well. Good luck!

Agree with Nelly. Ignore " My husband hated it" comments. They are out of date and anecdotal. They can however hurt terribly when you have decided you will send your children so avoid these people. Talk only to people who are mobile career expats and have had to go through the process you are going through. Most people do not truly understand your situation and can even be envious of the idea that your children might receive an expensive, privileged education, albeit at the expense of family time.

That said,one of the advantages is that time together becomes more joyful when it is rationed and precious. Most teenagers get a bit restless and pull away from you when living at home all the time and life, while lovely in its way, is not the roses and sweetness of those years of middle childhood.

Try not to send them before Year 9. You might consider going earlier and living away from your husband for a year or so, meeting in the holidays (which are frequent and long). However many international schools are very sound and should do well by your children until 13. If you have a struggling child try supplementing with a bit of private tuition.

A teenager and his/her needs are so very different from younger children it is hard to make a decision early on. Skype and texting and Blackberry messenger mean you can feel far closer than you might imagine to older children.

Look at a number of schools and look early. Do lots of research as many private schools are not worth the separation, frankly. Visit several times. Talk at length to housemistresses/masters about routines and about your feelings and fears. Schools are more flexible and caring than you might realise.

Do not assume that the "big name" schools are snobbish and not for you. Go and see for yourself. In my experience, schools remain famous because they do what they do well. Do not think that because results are good they will be hothouses and too stressful for your child. The top schools know very well if they might suit your children and will advise with honesty. The lesser ones might be more concerned with bottoms on seats.

A good piece of advice I received is that it is very helpful if you can find a good school within a reasonable distance of a trusted family member or friend who will provide the odd guardianship role by attending functions you cannot make or by taking your child for a break if you cannot be there. Though actually, if you are in Europe, there will be few occasions when you cannot be there.

If you really cannot bear the idea when the time comes to sign the acceptance form, don't beat yourself up about it. At least you will have explored your options fully with your children's best interests in mind and they will be well aware of this, whatever your decision. Good luck.

It's a very tough decision in your situation where you have good reasons for considering boarding.

But Jem is talking absolute bollocks when she suggests people who object to boarding schools are jealous. You couldn't pay me to send ds away, let alone pay someone else £££££s for the pleasure. No doubt it's reassuring for people like Jem to tell themselves critics of boarding schools are jealous, rather than consider the real issues.

However, fortunately I'm not in the situation where I have to consider it.

Do you know any other forces families who have sent their children to board? Can you ask around and see what their experiences have been, positive and negative?

Friend of mine teaches at boarding school (and used to be a housemaster). He thinks it's OK for most of his pupils but then, according to him, they are all rather stoical sons of Yorkshire farmers (obviously rather wealthy farmers). He's not a parent, btw.

Of the adults I know who have boarded, most would not do it to their own children. The one case where I think it was emotionally justified is a man whose mother had a chaotic life, was very selfish and constantly moving around the world leaving him behind with anyone who would take him. His Gran - my Godmother - stepped in and paid for boarding school (she was too old and frail to have him living with her). And he was 'adopted' by his mother's first husband who was bringing up his half-siblings so was surrounded by loving family during holidays.

An Old Etonian I know is VERY against boarding. Some did OK, some not so OK. Probably depends on the child and their existing relationship with the family, and how good the pastoral care is/how often you can see the children.

Just wanted to point out its a very old thread (November 2008) so hopefully OP has made her decision.

Still an interesting discussion though.
DC1 and 2 board in the UK as I'm abroad due to DH's work. They both did weekly boarding for a term at their old prep school when they were in years 5 and 8 before they moved abroad for a few years.

DD returned to the UK 2 years ago into year 8 and board full time at a lovely (state) boarding school. There are girls from all different backgrounds there and she has made some really nice friends and fitted in very well after the first few weeks.

DS returned to the UK last September and went to a private college into sixth form. He loves it there and again, a wide range of backgrouds and a lot of overseas students.

Its not for all and its a decision to make depending on the individual child

oops, hadn't noticed that when I saw it in active conversations!

still always a very interesting discussion though