Going round in circles about whether to delay August DS

[Givemepickles]

I'm driving myself doolally thinking about this. My DS is late August birthday. I can't decide whether to delay him a year or not. This is based on him as a person rather than just because he's summer born. If I delay, my LA will put him into Reception at 5 years old, not into Year 1. Please help me decide!

Some background info:

He's going to a village school with 20 - 25 per class. One form entry. Very nurturing however they won't allow part time in reception so he has to be full time from the start unless I want to go to battle with the school. They've made that clear.

This is what I see as pros and cons.

Pros:

• reading many posts about children not coping from Y1, Y3 or Y7 and so on and parents wishing they had delayed at the start but it was hard to tell in reception as it's still play based so by delaying we would give him a better chance of being ready at those stages
• up until recently I've been pretty sure he would get an adhd diagnosis - he has been a very challenging child with extremely sensitive temperament, cries easily and injures himself constantly, sensitive to texture, noise etc and used to smack his head in frustration. He absolutely cannot stay still and throws himself about if he has to sit on a chair and that leads me to worry about expectations down the road that he can't meet.
• going into secondary he'll be a year more mature if we delay which will hopefully mean he copes well and is less likely to follow bad behaviour. He is very much a follower at the moment for good or bad.
• get to spend another year with him enjoying time together finally. We have never been abroad since he was born as he couldn't handle things like that but he's finally turned a corner. For about a month he's been much calmer and we can see ourselves doing 'normal' things for the first time. But with school about to start that would be much more restricted
• spending a year in forest school and preschool with no big expectations. He's been going to forest school one day a week since Easter and is thriving. We think this may be what's making him calmer.
• gives him more time to grow out of toddler behaviour and mature more. We've seen a massive change just in the last month and would love him to continue in this trajectory. Would school potentially harm that progress as it's adding pressure and he copes badly with pressure?
• he currently shows no interest in 'learning' as such like phonics or counting, crafts, painting, any of that type of thing. He's not one of those kids desperate to get on to that. His interests are running, climbing and hiding under heavy cushions as much as possible. He does love PE though so would enjoy that but then he could do that at any age.

Cons

• we have a second DS who is June born so do we delay him too? He doesn't have any of his brother's temperament and seems very focussed and emotionally easy going but how would it feel to them as brothers to delay one and not the other?
• potential bullying or being picked on for being 'held back'. Obviously this is total rubbish as it's an arbitrary deadline and he has as much age in common with kids Sept - Feb in the year below as he does March - Aug in his year. But kids bully and we'd hate to have caused him to feel different or stupid.
• potentially having to play out of cohort in school sports competitions. We know there is dispensation for FA football and England Rugby but what if all his mates are on the school football team and he can't play with them and has to play year above? He may feel very left out.
• he's going to a small village school rather than our large catchment school so when he joins secondary he won't go up with many people. If he's out of cohort this may be the first thing people know (if he can't be on the football team for example) rather than going up with a big group of friends who have forever known he's out of cohort and it's ancient history.
• he is HUGE. He will likely be the tallest child whichever year he goes into but in his official cohort that will be fine as people will just laugh that he's the youngest and so big. However, he could get nasty comments etc if he's in the year below and told he's so big because he's in the wrong year. Again this is ridiculous as he's literally days from the cut off and would be exactly the same size if born a week later but people say horrid things.
• he seems 'ready' by the criteria - he's outgoing, confident, sociable, has masses of friends, great at using the toilet and dressing.

Please help me decide. I cannot stop thinking about this! I need to give his preschool an answer soon so they don't give his spot away in September if we still want it.

Delay. My son is adhd, and I wish I would have had the option. Life would have been so much easier for him.

Have you looked at the goverment data on the outcomes of children by birth month?

I would ignore the issue with DS because you need to do what is right for each child.

Another way to think about it is, if he was born 1st September and could put him in the year above, would you do it ?

But I deferred my child and I’m happy with that decision but very few people will say they’ve made the wrong decision when it comes to schooling. I’m afraid no one else can tell you what to do.

@Skippydoodle I'm sorry to hear the issues you've had with your son. Do you mind me asking what he's struggled with in school and what an extra year would help with? Does he sound similar to my DS? I find it impossible to tell at this age if DS will go on to have adhd, though I have it so it's likely. Nursery say he's fine which confuses things but I wonder if that's because he's so sociable and having fun all day.

Yes I've seen the outcomes and no I absolutely would not send him a year early, I'd be thrilled he was September! But September children don't come up against any stigma or exclusion for sports so it's not the same sadly.

My child is a summer born, albeit not August. He was 'behind' in reception at the end of the year for both reading and writing, but by Y2 (current year) he has caught up and now on track in all areas and exceeding in maths. We had the option to defer but choose not too. In his school, lots of children are summer born so he doesn't stand out as being one of the younger ones anyway, but the intake is higher at 45 per year.

There are pros and cons for both, but you know your child best. It never even crossed my mind to defer mine.

I’ve never heard any child suffer from stigma.

What will the senior school do? Are they happy to take him at y7 when he should be y8? I know it’s a long way off but some schools won’t let them go into y7- they go straight into y8 which IMHO is a billion times worse that not being quite ready for reception.

that's also no issue luckily. I think that's actually not an issue anywhere anymore as the rules were updated a while ago. He'll continued with adopted cohort for all of his education.

That is very reassuring to hear. I saw on a couple posts on here that people said the out of cohort kids were teased and that someone's boys resented their parents for 'holding them back'. That has really stayed with me and worries me.

My deferred child is now in year 4 and not a single child had ever said anything to him about it, they don't know or care. Yes they know he's the oldest in the class but so is my other child who was born on the 1st September.

No regrets at all about deferring and cannot think of a single negative. It's made no difference to any sport either.

He is tiny though and premature and would have been born end of September so it was a very easy decision to make.

I'm really glad this has worked out for you and is what I hope will be the outcome for us. In our area there is no difference for sport at primary but it begins at secondary for competitions, I think friendlies are ok.

Has anyone ever commented when you send out birthday invites for example?

You could start him later in the academic year, the school has to hold the place open, but it would mean year 1 comes soon after. Is there flexibility at the smaller school to cater fir any additional needs, such as combined classes, or is the catchment one better set up? Would he get an EHCP?

No I think he's not EHCP level. I'm questioning now if there is anything neurodivergent or if it was just his nature as a young child. He's been much easier this last month.

The catchment school is very oversubscribed and as we didn't apply for it in the admissions round we won't get in now so it has to be the village school we have a place at. The catchment school we felt was too focused on sitting from Y1 so we didn't choose it.

I definitely would. Saying that as a year R teacher.

If you can delay him but he will join reception rather than year 1 then do that

If your child is neurotypical I wouldn't, under any circumstances, delay him. Sadly, children do get bullied for being held back a year.
One of my younger family members went to school when he was four. He was very bored at nursery and has thrived being at school. The person I know who did hold their child back regretted it.

Why did they regret it?

Are you sure of this?

I think schools can decide themselves.

I have seen this issue recently and the child is having to go into Year 8 rather than Year 7 because they were kept behind in previous years.

I would delay if that's a straightforward option, our LA were very difficult so I ended up sending DD who's mid July at 4. She's in year 3, she's on track or exceeding in all her subjects so academically has coped absolutely fine but emotionally is clearly younger than those who are at the older end, still happy playing imaginative games, loves dolls and dressing up, all of which I think are totally fine for her age and year group but a couple of her friends have upset her saying the things she likes are 'babyish' I wish she'd had another year to be allowed to be young without the peer pressure. Also when her friends can start going out, learning to drive etc she'll be 10 months later.

Is deferring a done thing in your area? Where we are in SE I don't know anyone who deferred, and we have 3 kids so know A LOT of families! It would be strange here and the child may stand out for being "older".
Where my sister is in Scotland it's very common!

how would it feel to them as brothers to delay one and not the other?

I assume your worry here is if you delay your older child and not your younger, your older child might feel bad about that?
Whatever you do with your older child, I think you cannot let that influence what you do with your younger child, and you must make the decision that is best for them individually.

@Givemepickles
The boy's mum said that although her son would have been one of the youngest in the year, by the time he reached five she felt that he would have coped with school earlier and he was bored. He also felt uncomfortable being older than his classmates, especially a few years down the line around birthday parties.
There were some little girls younger than the boy but they went to school at the traditional time and were fine. Most neurotypical children soon catch up in first year at primary school even if they're unsettled at the beginning.
It's also worth thinking about how your child will feel when they are older, especially at secondary school, and they start to wonder why they were held back at school unnecessarily when they had no developmental issues.

I would defer. If he’s massive he is already at risk of being treated like he is older than he is. Children with adhd are often emotionally a year or more behind peers.

I haven't read the whole thread but my friend's son attended a much smaller village school. He started a few days after he turned 4 years old on 28 August. In view of his birthday he was able to remain in the primary school until he was 12 years old. He then moved up to secondary school. It was the making if him.

Not sure I understand! How did he remain in primary until 12 of he started at 4? Did he repeat a year?