Going round in circles about whether to delay August DS

[Givemepickles]

I'm driving myself doolally thinking about this. My DS is late August birthday. I can't decide whether to delay him a year or not. This is based on him as a person rather than just because he's summer born. If I delay, my LA will put him into Reception at 5 years old, not into Year 1. Please help me decide!

Some background info:

He's going to a village school with 20 - 25 per class. One form entry. Very nurturing however they won't allow part time in reception so he has to be full time from the start unless I want to go to battle with the school. They've made that clear.

This is what I see as pros and cons.

Pros:

• reading many posts about children not coping from Y1, Y3 or Y7 and so on and parents wishing they had delayed at the start but it was hard to tell in reception as it's still play based so by delaying we would give him a better chance of being ready at those stages
• up until recently I've been pretty sure he would get an adhd diagnosis - he has been a very challenging child with extremely sensitive temperament, cries easily and injures himself constantly, sensitive to texture, noise etc and used to smack his head in frustration. He absolutely cannot stay still and throws himself about if he has to sit on a chair and that leads me to worry about expectations down the road that he can't meet.
• going into secondary he'll be a year more mature if we delay which will hopefully mean he copes well and is less likely to follow bad behaviour. He is very much a follower at the moment for good or bad.
• get to spend another year with him enjoying time together finally. We have never been abroad since he was born as he couldn't handle things like that but he's finally turned a corner. For about a month he's been much calmer and we can see ourselves doing 'normal' things for the first time. But with school about to start that would be much more restricted
• spending a year in forest school and preschool with no big expectations. He's been going to forest school one day a week since Easter and is thriving. We think this may be what's making him calmer.
• gives him more time to grow out of toddler behaviour and mature more. We've seen a massive change just in the last month and would love him to continue in this trajectory. Would school potentially harm that progress as it's adding pressure and he copes badly with pressure?
• he currently shows no interest in 'learning' as such like phonics or counting, crafts, painting, any of that type of thing. He's not one of those kids desperate to get on to that. His interests are running, climbing and hiding under heavy cushions as much as possible. He does love PE though so would enjoy that but then he could do that at any age.

Cons

• we have a second DS who is June born so do we delay him too? He doesn't have any of his brother's temperament and seems very focussed and emotionally easy going but how would it feel to them as brothers to delay one and not the other?
• potential bullying or being picked on for being 'held back'. Obviously this is total rubbish as it's an arbitrary deadline and he has as much age in common with kids Sept - Feb in the year below as he does March - Aug in his year. But kids bully and we'd hate to have caused him to feel different or stupid.
• potentially having to play out of cohort in school sports competitions. We know there is dispensation for FA football and England Rugby but what if all his mates are on the school football team and he can't play with them and has to play year above? He may feel very left out.
• he's going to a small village school rather than our large catchment school so when he joins secondary he won't go up with many people. If he's out of cohort this may be the first thing people know (if he can't be on the football team for example) rather than going up with a big group of friends who have forever known he's out of cohort and it's ancient history.
• he is HUGE. He will likely be the tallest child whichever year he goes into but in his official cohort that will be fine as people will just laugh that he's the youngest and so big. However, he could get nasty comments etc if he's in the year below and told he's so big because he's in the wrong year. Again this is ridiculous as he's literally days from the cut off and would be exactly the same size if born a week later but people say horrid things.
• he seems 'ready' by the criteria - he's outgoing, confident, sociable, has masses of friends, great at using the toilet and dressing.

Please help me decide. I cannot stop thinking about this! I need to give his preschool an answer soon so they don't give his spot away in September if we still want it.

I wouldn't say it's common no, most people don't know about it. We're in West sussex. There seem to be a handful of kids in each school who are out of cohort and I know 2 who are starting this year at age 5. So he won't be the only one but he will be one of only a few.

I wish it was common like in Scotland as when I talk to people about it lots say they know a child who couldn't cope with school at that age and would have benefitted.

There were only two classes in the whole school so the classes had a mix of children of different ages in them - think Little House on the Prairie! He just stayed in primary school for 8 years, then secondary school for the usual 5 years. He entered Year 7 at 12 years and a couple of days old. Not much different to a September born child.

I live in Edinburgh, it isn't very common here. It's very much a minority choice usually made by higher income families.

Definitely defer. My dd year 7 is late August. We deferred, best thing we did. No regrets- also very sporty and had no issues. We always did birthday party first week of September-no different then if she was born that week..
I'm a primary teacher- you can tell the youngest children all the way up to Year 6 in my opinion.
We checked with Local Authority and 2 secondary schools nearby before deferring her.

Thanks for commenting. I'm interested in your views as a teacher. Are you basing your recommendation on my description of him or do you recommend delaying summer borns in general? Do you find they don't cope well in reception?

Ah I'm happy to hear this. So she plays sports in secondary in adopted cohort?
Do her friends know she is out of year?
I think we will do September parties to as otherwise everyone is on holiday!

There are 7 August born children in my DS’s Reception class of 25.

The first of them to have a birthday will turn 6 while rest of them are still 4 because she deferred a year.

Physically she looks nothing like the rest of them and quite honestly looks like she’s in the wrong year. Her parents now believe they’ve made a huge mistake and regret doing it.

Unless there’s a really good reason such as severe speech delay I wouldn’t entertain deferring. It’s not something that is common at all in the area we live in.

The sports thing as mentioned earlier can be a really huge issue as well. More and more sports governing bodies are requiring even young children to play in their correct age group if they reach representative level which can be devastating for some.

In your case I would delay. We have a mid-August DC (currently Y5) who we held back a year (joined Reception having just turned 5). He's not shown any signs of being ND but we felt he wasn't emotionally ready for school. My DH (from a European country where he didn't go to school until he was 6, almost 7) was passionate that he should stay in nursery as long as possible.

We've encountered no problems whatsoever. No bullying, not stigma. The school didn't cause any issues at all, and he'll stay with his cohort when he goes to secondary school. He doesn't play team sports so no issues there at all. The only slight problem might hit us in September when he needs to move up from Cubs to Scouts and leave some friends behind, but he has some older friends who are already at Scouts.

But really, we can give you all our experiences but everyone's opinions and experiences will differ. The only people who make this decision is you and your family.

I would defer as long as you know your child will definitely move up to secondary with the rest of their cohort. My children aren’t academic but also are February and March birthdays so deferring would never have been an option for them. School is hard work and expectations are very high. Some children cope better with it than others

I’d say defer based on what you’ve said. And consider your other child separately when it comes to it.

My friend has a July born (DC1) and August born (DC2). She didn’t defer the July born but based on his experience chose to defer DC2 and she is so pleased with her decision. DC1 has no special needs but was just a typical boy and sounds like your son in that he struggled with things like sitting on the carpet etc, and especially the transition to year 1 when it is a lot more desk-based. DC2 is now in reception and having none of the issues that DC1 faced.

There is no stigma at all - far from it. For kids, being older is a huge positive! I have a May born child who by coincidence is friends with all autumn born children and he absolutely hates being the youngest. I’ve even heard him lying about his age/birthday as he wants to be one of the older ones.

Sports really vary so I wouldn’t base things around that when you don’t know what he’ll be into. My DS plays in an “under 8”
football league that in practice just means year 3 boys (even though it should really be described as “8 and under”, but there are a couple of talented year 2s in the team. There’s nothing to stop your DS “playing up” so he’s in the “right” school year if he wants to. As I understand it some sports are based on calendar years anyway.

I’m a pastoral lead in a primary school. I’ve been supporting a boy ( whose parents chose to hold him back) in Y5 recently after a sudden dip in behaviour. He recently opened up about how some of his nursery friends are about to go to secondary school and he’s still at primary. He’s a June birthday- so some of the children moving to secondary are younger than him.
He’s also very fixated (negatively) on one of the summer born Y5s who is a year younger than him, but outperforms him academically. He’s a perfectly able boy, and being the oldest in the year I sure has had some positive impact on how he performs. It does appear to have impacted his emotional wellbeing negatively. I don’t know what his parents have told him about their reasons for keeping him back if they have said anything.
in this case I don’t feel it has been positive.
Personally I feel it works best when the children can see the reason- we have a summer born little boy who was due to start Reception when he became very unwell and spent several months in hospital. He was held back and understands why.

huge mistake really huge issue devastating for some

Very emotive language here. Which sports are you talking about and why would it be “devastating” to have to play in a different age category from your school year? Serious sports are done outside of school anyway so it’s a different group of children - why would it devastate a child to be in the let’s say “year 4” football team if they are in year 3 at school? If anything it’s probably extra kudos.

Another who would in your shoes. My eldest sounds very similar to your son and we also considered whether he was ND. We have deferred and he started reception in September, he is also enormous, 124cm. It was the best decision we could have made. He is thriving, started to develop an interest in colouring and writing the summer before he started so was already five. I dread to think what he would have been like had he gone a year earlier given it took until five for him to even entertain picking up a pen! I’m also a teacher (albeit secondary) and had read the research around summer born boys outcomes so I felt fairly comfortable with our decision but seeing him now just so receptive to school and fitting in so well is so rewarding

I would defer. My sister did and it was the right choice. I'm thankful I have a November born and he's going to be ready. There's no way he would have been at the equivalent summer born age. It's something I constantly think about. From socialising, being able to wipe his own bum properly, generally coping, etc etc. There's a reason many countries don't start formal schooling until age 7. If mine was a summer born, I would have deferred too.

I delayed summer born DS by a term so he joined reception in January, our school was great about this and so was his nursery as he stayed on there for that extra term, it used to be quite normal for summer borns to join in Jan I think in England and still might be in Scotland? This was because DS had a severe S&L delay. DD was suspected to be ADHD but I wouldn't have considered delaying her and actually she calmed down a lot in Reception and was able to concentrate, she couldn't manage two minutes in nursery! Have you spoken to someone senior at the school about this? you might just be getting a blanket LEA response :-)

Ooof tricky. We debated for a long time for our June born DS in the end didn’t as we went independent so thought small class sizes would help. Academically he’s been fine (reluctant writer but show me a 7 year old boy who isn’t). He’s Y3 now- probably top quarter academically, around the middle for sports/physically. I sometimes look at him and wish he had the confidence the elder/bigger/faster ones have but as previous posters say maybe that comes with its own pressures as they’re expected to be the top whereas the younger ones can use it as an excuse? There is at least one in his year that did defer and was 8 at the end of Y2- no stigma, just worthy of a passing comment from the kids.

Delay. My son is 12 and just started Y7 in September. It is hands down the best decision I ever made for him. He would have coped fine in Reception, but would definitely have struggled with the more formal learning style from Y1 on.

It was never a big thing, but his friends did know, and I never hid it from any parent who asked. He is also tall for his age, taller than his friends in his actual year group who he played rugby with but honestly there’s such a range anyway I wouldn’t let that even figure in your decision process. This is purely anecdotal of course and I know there will be some August borns who thrive but the August born boys in his year who started Reception at 4 did struggle later on in Primary and needed extra help.

your options are not just delay or start September.

you can accept the offer then request a deferred start with the school- so he would start after Christmas or after Easter, entering into his cohort and just having less time in reception. School may say no to this, likely if they have said no to flexi school.

BUT what they will not have told you is full time education is not compulsory until the term after the child turns 5. So if you decide to flexi school and build attendance up over the year they can do nothing about it, they cannot fine you or any of that. Your school will have a policy that children are off rolled if they do not attend for a certain length of time so look that up and make sure you don’t go that long.

flexi schooling regardless of if we get permission is what we have decided for our summer born Sen child. also fine in nursery/childminder but I can see he struggles to sit and pay attention and will struggle in a class. That said if he’s coping well we will have him attend full time so it’s not a set decision. If you choose this option though I strongly advise you follow the phonics and maths schemes the school use with your child at home on the days he doesn’t attend. My view is missing most of the education won’t help if they are behind when full time is compulsory in year 1. Most/all schools have what schemes they use on their website, phonics likely will be broken down into what phonemes are covered each week. you will need to learn so you teach correctly eg ‘t’ is just the ‘t’ sound not Tee like you say a capital letter and not ‘tuh’ ( tap is t-a-p and not tuh-a-puh as an example). Maths may be harder but lots of the school schemes can be purchased by parents eg white rose. If it’s white rose that’s great as they have a video you can watch with your child then do the workbook page so you know you are teaching it the correct way school is doing it. If you don’t feel able to support the learning at home then I’d choose full time or start reception 2027.

my older son is also SEN and he had clear difficulty in nursery. I was denied him delaying a year and I’m still angry about it as he just wasn’t able to cope, he was traumatised by the experience which came out behaviourally, they stuck him on a reduced timetable almost instantly and then off rolled him when they couldn’t cope with his needs. He is still out of school years later as there are no school who can meet need set out in the EHCP he now has. I’m certain had he not been forced into school before he was ready we could have had a better transition and he could be at school now. But I KNEW he wouldn’t cope with school, it wasn’t a niggling worry or question I pondered like has been the case with my youngest SEN child.

I met with the school already and they said they will not allow part time so definitely won't be on board with deferring a term. I know legally I can but I feel it starts him and me off on the wrong foot with the school and will mean he falls behind. He's already quite behind the older kids who will be in his year.

Absolutely a valid point. If he’s going to need additional support it’s even more important you start on good terms with the school. If he’s already behind I’d lean towards a 2027 start then if I were you that seems the best start for him.

if you don’t feel your June child needs delayed start then don’t do it. Unless they would be in the same class? That would complicate the decision! Treating kids equally doesn’t mean exactly the same, if one needs it and one doesnt then you are treating them equally.

@Givemepickles when I delayed DS by a term it was actually the deputy head of the school who suggested it, the school were aware of DS's s&l delay and she came and observed DS at nursery and recommended a delay of a term to the head - so has whoever you've spoken to at your school looked into why you want to delay your DS, maybe another school which can more flexible is worth looking into?

Has he ever felt any of the issues mentioned on this thread, like that he is older than children in the year above or too old for his year? Is he August?

Thanks for your input. That sounds hard for the boy and I'm sorry he's struggling. I can absolutely imagine the feeling and that's why I'm considering this so carefully. Do you think he'd feel the same if was late August, days from the cut off? At most a child could be a year and a few days younger in the same year in that case.

No expert but if you can give him the benefit of another year to have time to develop, I would. He doesn’t sound very school ready at the moment - while school is a big leap for all children some are more able to sit on a mat and raise hands etc at this age than others. That doesn’t mean your son won’t get there and he will be ahead in other things - eg he sounds physically confident and robust.

Fwiw my two (girl and boy) were very school ready - behaviour and sitting still wise, but they were a bit behind their peers on physical confidence, both being quite physically cautious children.

Thank you. I honestly don't know which way to go. I guess it's the first big patenting decision I've had to make other than choice of school!

Do you mind explaining a bit about the difference in reception from preschool or nursery? And then what is Y1, 2 etc like? Because nursery say my son is fine there that makes me think he'll be fine in reception but I have no experience of the jump up. One thing I'm dreading is trying to teach him at home because he's totally unresponsive to that currently. If I try to show him something he's just jumping around being silly. However we can learn by making it very active like running from one number to another but its a lot of effort to do that and to be honest I feel like it's unfair on him to have to work so hard to keep up. It feels to me like some naturally advanced studious August children will be fine because that's their personality but boys like my son will only be fine in time and is being forced to develop much faster by the system.