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Original poster

Do you let your DC pick their secondary school?

93 replies

Dreamerinme · 30/09/2024 17:38

We are starting to visit the local secondary school open evenings this month and I’ve had conversations with a few other primary school
parents - people just chatting about what they thought etc of each school.

One parent was very strongly of the opinion that the child alone should choose where they want to go as they are the ones who have to go there.

It got me thinking about the approach DH and I have thought - we will visit them all this year (DC is y5) and then again next year. We will shortlist the schools that, amongst other criteria, we feel meets our DC’s needs (awaiting assessment for dyspraxia), but this doesn’t meet the threshold for an EHCP etc. So, we need to ensure that a school is willing and able to provide appropriate support (which he is getting now in primary).

Then we intend to discuss all the options with DC and hopefully come to a mutual agreement. If we don’t then I guess DH and I have the final say as I’m not sure that a then-10yo has the ability to see the bigger picture.

What do other people do?

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 30/09/2024 17:40

I sat down with my son and we worked out which one was best for him. He and his best friends all applied for the same school but ended up at different ones. So yes I think discussing things with your child is a good idea

GreenSedan · 30/09/2024 17:41

We did. We saw around 4 and she had a good feeling for which one was right for her and that's the one she picked.

TickingAlongNicely · 30/09/2024 17:44

They should have their opinion taken into account... but if they choose a school for a silly reason like the colour of uniform or having the most fun science experiment, that shouldn't over ride genuine concerns.

DiscoBeat · 30/09/2024 17:46

We went through all the options very carefully, and did all the visits but we did let them choose. They both chose a good grammar but whilst one of them loved it the other hated it and wanted to move to a particular non grammar. He did very well and got high results on all his gcses and is now ironically at a grammar (a different one) for his A levels.

Scutterbug · 30/09/2024 17:46

I let them choose because I wanted them to go to a place they felt was right for them. Two of them picked grammar schools so then we had the nervous wait of hoping they would get in! (Didn’t tutor as I’m anti that).

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2024 17:49

It's a joint decision.

If your kid is mature and sensible then they'll want and appreciate your guidance and input, whereas if they're daft then they really need it!

We looked at a few schools with dd, discussed them, mutually reduced it to a couple of good choices we were happy with. She eventually had a strong preference for one. It was the one we preferred too, but as it entailed a longish bus ride she really did need to be 100% on board with it.

fixyourgardengate · 30/09/2024 17:51

Both my DC chose the order of their 3 preferences.

But we made it clear that we really had no control over the final outcome as the inexplicable allocations by the council have proved!

DS got his 2nd choice (which was my 1st and the closest!). He was initially disappointed but most of his good friends both from Primary and football also got in there and he has settled well making lots of new friends.

DD got her 1st by applying through a specialist criteria. She was 1 of 2 from her Primary to get in. She was initially thrilled but then a bit anxious as it hit home she wouldn't know anyone. But she is loving school and seems to have fallen in with a nice bunch of kids.

So now I have children in Y8 and Y7 in different schools 🙄

But both seem happy so far 🤞

Octavia64 · 30/09/2024 17:52

Well, technically you are choosing which ones to apply for.

If your kid chooses one milesaway that you aren't in catchment for and have no chance then they'll be disappointed.

Better to have a conversation about which ones are likely and then make decisions about which to apply for based on that.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/09/2024 17:52

Ours didn’t have a choice. There was only one suitable school (language wise) in the county so they went there. It was not open for discussion.

Blanketyre · 30/09/2024 17:52

We had one choice!

WonderingAR · 30/09/2024 18:00

We rent so I have few more years to choose the best school and the best area to move to for our family, taking into account not only school results but commute to work etc. If this school doesn't work out, there will be plenty of other options.
I don't think 10 yo has enough life experience to make serious decisions.

whoateallthecookies · 30/09/2024 18:00

We listened to DD's input, but it was ultimately our decision. We were playing the 'avoid the catchment school' game, so looked very carefully at which other schools we had a chance of getting into. Ultimately we agreed with DD on a first choice, and she got a place there, though it's a bit of a trek to get to.

cansu · 30/09/2024 18:04

Tbh unless you are in catchment for numerous schools you may not have a choice anyway. You express a preference. I would look at practicalities and where you are likely to get a place then give them some input into the order you put then on the form.

Phineyj · 30/09/2024 18:05

I let her rank them in order from my pre approved list! Realistically, there was only one that she was going to get into, however.

noodlecanoodle · 30/09/2024 18:05

I have carefully selected 2 grammars that I'm happy for DS to go to

He can make the final decision but I know he has a strong preference for the one I'd most like him to attend

He wants to go to all boys, his sister will go to the other grammar

MysteriousUsername · 30/09/2024 18:07

I let mine choose. They all chose the school because it had the biggest library. All 3 are bookworms and ended up spending a lot of time in the library. It wasn't our catchment school, so none of their friends went there, but they all made new friends easily.

I think I let them because my own parents absolutely refused to let me go to the school I wanted to. I had a mainly miserable time at secondary school. Obviously I could have had a miserable time at the other school, but I have never forgotten the feeling of not being listened to by my parents.

InSpainTheRain · 30/09/2024 18:14

We said they could choose - entirely up to them. Actually they wanted to discuss with us and sound out options, and then they made their own choices.

4405cd · 30/09/2024 18:17

Yes my children all picked their secondary schools.

4405cd · 30/09/2024 18:19

MysteriousUsername · 30/09/2024 18:07

I let mine choose. They all chose the school because it had the biggest library. All 3 are bookworms and ended up spending a lot of time in the library. It wasn't our catchment school, so none of their friends went there, but they all made new friends easily.

I think I let them because my own parents absolutely refused to let me go to the school I wanted to. I had a mainly miserable time at secondary school. Obviously I could have had a miserable time at the other school, but I have never forgotten the feeling of not being listened to by my parents.

This is exactly what happened to me I felt very strongly that it was their choice.

JumperStripes · 30/09/2024 18:23

I had the same experience as MysteriousUsername so yes, my children get the final say although it’s following joint discussions and several open day trips. Children are neurodivergent so it’s crucial they are as happy as they can be with the school.

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 30/09/2024 18:25

We have dd a say in which school she went to providing she wasn’t picking it for silly reasons like because it’s only on 2 floors and not 3 like the better school 🤔🙄

we did really big up the better school to influence dd to pick it, it was the only school no one else was going to, but it was the best in the area.

picking a school just because it’s the closest wasn’t a reason I would let her pick it for, I wanted her to go to a good school even if it was much further away.

MumChp · 30/09/2024 18:28

The children think they chose secondary. In fact we guided them. They went grammar.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/09/2024 18:29

It's a very long time ago now, but we visited a lot of schools because back then London schools were a very mixed bag, and in our area the options for boys were worse than for girls. The approach we took was that my husband, son and I visited every school together. After each visit we sat down together and rated the school on about a dozen criteria we'd agreed on together, e.g. ease and length of journey, curriculum options, did we like the buildings/site. We were mostly in agreement and when we'd seen all the schools there was one clear winner, which was indeed where he ended up. He's over 30 now and seemed to have a good experience at school. He did well academically. No regrets. We would never have forced him to go somewhere he really didn't like.

BananaSpanner · 30/09/2024 18:30

I did. We have our catchment school which is very good and another good school close by. We took him on the open days for both and he said without doubt that the catchment school was the right one for him. He liked it immediately. If he’d have had that feeling about the other school, I would have put that one as option one instead.

OhTediosity · 30/09/2024 18:31

I think it's important for the child's voice to be heard but tbh I think it's incredibly unhelpful in discussions with both adults and children to discuss 'picking' a school, as unless you are going private the state school admissions process means that you are merely expressing a preference. The current year 6 is just past the peak of the birth rate and are not quite as numerous as the two years above them but they are still a high birth rate year and in many areas there will be only the illusion of choice.