Do you let your DC pick their secondary school?

[Dreamerinme]

We are starting to visit the local secondary school open evenings this month and I’ve had conversations with a few other primary school
parents - people just chatting about what they thought etc of each school.

One parent was very strongly of the opinion that the child alone should choose where they want to go as they are the ones who have to go there.

It got me thinking about the approach DH and I have thought - we will visit them all this year (DC is y5) and then again next year. We will shortlist the schools that, amongst other criteria, we feel meets our DC’s needs (awaiting assessment for dyspraxia), but this doesn’t meet the threshold for an EHCP etc. So, we need to ensure that a school is willing and able to provide appropriate support (which he is getting now in primary).

Then we intend to discuss all the options with DC and hopefully come to a mutual agreement. If we don’t then I guess DH and I have the final say as I’m not sure that a then-10yo has the ability to see the bigger picture.

What do other people do?

I agree with this.

We had a choice of two. We looked at both and told DD that it was her decision too. Fortunately her favourite was the one that we were leaning towards anyway. It’s the less convenient one so if DD had been desperate for the other one it wouldn’t have been a problem. I made it clear that the decision shouldn’t be made based on current friendships and that as parents we had final say.

We ruled out the nearest school, but we did let our kids pick between 2 schools. However, one child just couldn't choose, and so we chose, and the other kept flip-flopping between the 2, and so her choice was a bit random.

I don’t think it’s fair to lay the responsibility at the door of children. It’s a very significant decision. My y4 child has been to a number of schools for holiday camps etc and would pick one because she liked a statue or another because of the uniform. I can’t see that in another two years she’d have matured significantly to be able to make a decision on school choice. We have the added complication of possibly going private and she knows already she will likely have to do a test and schools will pick who they offer to. I’ve also been very careful to talk positively about a school I really don’t like in case she ends up there.

It really depends DD has been quite clear in her own mind since she was a toddler and the decisions she makes have always been on point for her - her decision will be made for sixth form as well. but that is very much her personality!
DS more had to be led to making the decision - he suffers from anxiety and the school he is at was the first to get tje gold standard for anxiety support

Me too. I was taken aback by local parents saying they were “sending” dc to x school. You don’t send. You choose your preferences, apply and hope for the best!

Very similar to you! We're looking now DD is in Y5 and she's look next year at the short/listed Ines. So she'll choose, but from a list of suitable schools 😁

We let DD have the final say (between a selective private and the very good local secondary, which is comprehensive to 16 and then gets very selective in the 6th form). She chose the comp, we didn’t feel strongly either way. She’s year 10 now and it seems to be working out well. And has the bonus that we didn’t have to panic when the cost of living crisis hit - we’d be living in a freezing house and eating beans on toast if she’d picked the private option.

We decided together. I did let my DD rule out some schools she absolutely didn't want to go to. There's a couple of Church of England and Catholic schools that have enough non faith places they might have been an option for us and she was adamant she did not want a religious school. So we ruled them out immediately.

After that we visited together and talked about the pros and cons of them. We were agreed on our top choices and the order to put them in. We were also clear that the first choice would probably come down to luck on the waiting list and made sure we had one on the list that we liked and were pretty likely to get a place at if we didn't get first choice. There was a lot of talk about being realistic!

I think the parents need to heavily influence the decision. I know someone who is very upset their parents let them chose the wrong school at aged 11. They wanted to stay with their friends (they're popular and make friends easily) so didn't want to go to a school which would have been a brilliant fit for them and changed their academic outcome entirely.

I did visits in Y5 and ruled out the ones I really disliked.

In Y6 DD and I visited and some we saw more than once as she was sitting aptitude tests.

She ruled out a few that 'were good on paper' as she just didn't like them at the tests or looking round.

Ended up with a short list of 3 and her order was the same as mine.

If she had tried to rule out my top choice I'd would have over-ruled, but she was fairly sensible and our list of likes/dislikes was similar.

Did have a bit of a blip in Y8 because she'd spent most of Y7 in lockdown, and 90% of her primary friends had gone to a school that wasn't on my list as there was no way she'd have been eligible for a place. Think that was more a Y8 girls friendship thing - all settled after a bit.

I think its important to listen to the child. It's also important to remember that whatever schools say on an open evening they won't have the resources to meet the needs of most children with SEN. It's also a lot down to luck of which teachers they get more than anything else.

Where we live you literally get your catchment high school, and don’t have a choice but, you can apply out of catchment - its a lengthy process and youre likely to be turned down unless for a SEN or emotional/anxiety related need.
My 11 yo starts in September - we visited the catchment school and were surprised to be so impressed. It has a reputation for being strict but the other school some of our friends from school woll
he going to has a reputation suddenly (new “cool” head) of being like lord of the flies.. and massive online bullying problem, kids turning over tables, swearing at teachers, just on phones all the time etc. so.. I’m leaning towards strict!!
I heard my DS on the phone to his friend the other night and he said “I trust my parents to make the
Right call for me” - which I was really touched by. I think we know where he’ll fo, but it’s a huge jump, from a primary of 101 kids (7 boys in his year) to a secondary of over 2,000
eish!

I arranged for DS to go to taster days at four schools. I went to their parents evenings. I also went to two other possibilities.

Then we compared notes and both preferred the same school so it was unanimous.

But DS has good instincts. As a two year old he firmly rejected four different childminders. The fifth, he walked in, sat down and started playing. She was a brilliant childminder, 34 years experience, calm, careful, caring. 😁

I've consulted him on things that affect him, ever since. But DS is an only, I don't need to factor in the views of other DCs.

They should have input, but the parents' views should be taken into account too.

The discussions you'll have about it are a good chance for the DC to do some self-reflection, and practise the art of weighing up pros and cons. Which is a good life skill.

We had the choice of state comps that were somewhat chaotic, but had a nurturing atmosphere and excellent arts programmes; or some academies that followed the Michaela model, super strict and punitive but very orderly. Thinking about those was useful for DD because she had to consider what she needed in order to thrive.

So even if you make the final decision, it's worth pushing them to think about it maturely, beyond the level of "my friends will go there".

I would say that it’s a joint decision but parents with the casting vote. However, the do need to listen to their children and their reason for not wanting to go to the parent preferred school).

I can see this being an issue with DD as she will want to go to school with all her friends. Local school get good results but is super strict and not good with SEN and I can foresee that DD would that type of environment.

My local school had a had an OK reputation. I was a tomboy, shy and struggled to make friends but had friends of both sexes. I was not typically girly and my favourite subjects were maths and science.

My parents insisted on sending me to a single sex school in a nearby city that had a ‘better’ reputation. I beheld and pleaded with my parents not to send me to that school as it ticked no boxes for me. It wasn’t just a friends issue. It was snobby and i hated it when we looked around. I was the only one from my school and came from a council estate. Maths/sciences were not a focus and all of the girls liked art and English which made me more of an outcast. I was tired everyday from getting up early to get the bus 6 miles there and back everyday.
It was a disaster. I was relently bullied and had no friends. Parents refused to move me. Attendedance dropped and GCSE results suffered as i was barely functioning due to anxiety and depression. School pastoral care was non existant.

I ruled out the unsuitable ones (particularly the one where the girls were dressed like strippers).

Of the ones I was happy with, DS chose which order to put them in ( we applied for 5). I honestly think he would have fared better at choice 2 (he got his first choice) and I think he agrees now he's an adult, but the school was a god one and he was the one who had to go there.