Ex wants me to pay half the holiday club fees but won’t take any annual leave

[AveryIX]

My ex thinks I should pay half the holiday club for half term even though he wont take any time off to have DS. He’s got annual leave left but says he’s saving it for next year. DS is 6 and in year 2 so obviously I cant just leave him at home while im at work.

We split up about 2 years ago and he has him Wednesday nights and alternate weekends. Its generally ok although I do most of the organising around school and clubs etc. I work in a supermarket bakery and my shifts change every few weeks so I have to get my rota sorted quite far in advance. I cant just decide not to work because its half term.

The holiday club is £32 a day and I’ve booked him in for 4 days so far as thats when I’m definitely working. I can cover some of the other days with annual leave but not all of them. My mum helps when she can but she still works herself and I cant expect her to take time off for me.

I asked ex if he could take a couple of days off as he has plenty of notice and he said no because he wants to save his leave for a holiday next year. I said fine but then surely he can pay towards the club if I’m having to pay for it because neither of us is available. He says we should split it 50/50 and that childcare is my responsibility to sort out on my days. I said yes but these are school holidays and he is working on the days he would normally have DS anyway so I’m not really sure how that makes it my responsibility.

He says he pays maintenance and that should cover his contribution towards DS. I do understand that he pays maintenance and I’m not asking him to pay for everything, but I dont think its unreasonable to expect him to help with holiday childcare when he could take some leave. He took 3 days off last month to go away with his girlfriend so its not like he has none left. He said thats completely different and he shouldn’t have to use his holiday allowance to cover my childcare.

I dont want to fall out over it because we do usually get on ok and DS loves seeing his dad. But I also cant afford to pay for everything just because I happen to be the one who sorts it out. AIBU to think he should either take some leave to have him or contribute to the holiday club? Or am I being unreasonable expecting him to use his annual leave for childcare?

You are not being unreasonable. He’s a dick. Not sure what you can do though as they always say on here you can’t force men to look after their children.

Is he offering to pay 50% of the cost of the four days? One of those days is his usual day and three are yours? If so is that not a reasonable offer?

Yeah that's what I read. In which case he's not a dick at all. That sounds very fair offering to cover half the cost of childcare for the week even though his agreed responsibilities are only 25% of that time.

Ideally he'd have his son half the time, but that set up doesn't work for all families.

Surely he should pay for, or provide childcare on his days, you should pay for, or provide childcare on yours.

I think splitting it 50/50 is reasonable? So you both pay for 2 days?

No sorry I think ive explained that badly. I’ve booked him in for 4 days but not the Wednesday as thats his dads usual day.

He’s only offering to pay half for the Wednesday if I book him into the club that day. He wont have him that day or take any leave to cover any of the other days because he says finding childcare is my job on my days.

I just thought as its half term and not term time we could be a bit more flexible about which days we each have him, rather than him being in holiday club all week when his dad has annual leave he could use. But ex says he wants to save it and thats my problem really.

Is Wednesday daytime normally his time? If it is, it's on him to sort childcare. If it's normally your time, it's on you to sort and pay for childcare.

Agreed. If Wednesdays his day then he either takes time off or pays for childcare for that day. You have presumably covered the other 3 days

YANBU. You're using your annual leave for childcare, so why shouldn't he use his? Or, if he really doesn't want to, he needs to pay for it instead.

Yes its his time in the daytime during holidays, but obviously term time DS would be at school.

Ive booked him for 4 days on the other days which is £128 already. I’m not asking him to pay half of that as I know those are my days, its just the Wednesday thats his day and he still wants me to pay half if I book the club for him rather than him having DS himself.

I know he wants to save his leave but I dont really see why that means I should be paying towards childcare on his day as well. He says its my job to find childcare but surely if its his day then its his responsibility to sort it?

So essentially you should cover the cost of childcare on your days, or take annual leave.
ex should do the same.
it’s not your responsibility to cover the childcare on his day (arranging nor paying for it)

I’d imagine, usually on a Wednesday their child is in school… so it’s neither parents “time”

What do you mean 'it's his day time during the holidays"? It's either his time, year round, or it isn't. Who would be responsible for having him if he was sick on a Wednesday daytime during the term? What does the formal arrangement say?

In your OP, you say that he thinks childcare is your responsibility to sort out on your days, so I presume he doesn't agree that Wednesday daytime is his day.

I think that's the crux of the matter. Who is formally responsible for covering Wednesday daytimes?

Obviously, it's shit that he doesn't want to spend his annual leave with his son, but that's a different issue.

It's someone's time, just as all the other school days are someone's time.

As a single parent on low income cant you claim 80% of the cost back anyway?

Can you take a step back and say it is entirely his choice what he does on his Wednesday. Not your concern. Give him details for the holiday club directly in case he wants to use that. His day, his choice. Just let you know where to drop DS off at 9am on Wed.
ETA: or respond that it is a very fair offer to go 50/50 and you are happy to. 5 days is ‘x’ so 50% of that is ‘y’. 1 day might start to look more appealing.

I seem to be in the minority on here, but I hate seeing “your time this, his time that.” I think parents should be equally responsible for childcare (and all other) costs. Just because the mother - in almost all cases - is left raising the child near enough alone, she should be lumped with the majority of the financial burden as well? Because let’s face it, maintenance often doesn’t cover half the cost of raising a child

DS is normally at school on a Wednesday so his dad has him overnight, thats how its always worked. But Wednesday is still his dads day if that makes sense, its just that during term time DS is at school in the daytime anyway.

If DS is ill on a Wednesday then its me who has to take time off work to have him because his dad says its too short notice for him to sort it out. But its short notice for me aswell and I still have to manage it somehow.

We dont have anything really formal written down about the daytime in school holidays because its never really been an issue before. I do see what you mean about the distinction though. I just feel like because its his usual day he should be willing to sort it either by taking annual leave or paying for the holiday club in full rather than just saying its my problem

If he has him overnight Wed then the following day is his responsibility.

What happens if you don't sort anything, and aren't available for him to leave ds with you?

Problem is, you can't make him take responsibility - other than perhaps rejecting the responsibility yourself, which you are unlikely to do because it is your child we are talking about, not a widget.

Of course he should share the childcare responsibilities, covering his days as they fall.
(Although really I think he should cover half of all childcare costs as someone needs to care for your joint child).
But what can you do.

YANBU. How can he justify wanting you to pay for half of his day but not expecting to pay for half of your days? That makes no sense at all!

This is probably relevant here - how much maintenance is he paying you per week? Because he maybe feels like he is already covering this.

Also there’s years of school left and multiple holidays - get a contact order written up so it’s very clear who is responsible for days / times/ care

Then by that logic the other 4 days that the OP has booked and paid for childcare for aren’t her ‘time’ either because the child is normally in school?

So who usually takes DS to school on Wednesdays?

I'm trying to work out on what basis you are adamant that it's his day. Normally he's at school on Wednesday, so handover presumably happens after school. If he's sick and can't go to school, you cover it. I would think Wednesday isn't his day until normal afterschool handover time.

Of course, none of this negates the fact that he's a shit dad for not wanting to actually parent his son.

You really need a proper arrangement drawn up.

He pays £180 a month maintenance. I do understand he contributes towards DS and im not saying he doesnt, its more that I dont think maintenance covers extra childcare on a day thats normally his.

I agree we probably do need to get something written down properly as we’ve just muddled through so far and its been ok until now.

I take DS to school on Wednesdays as he stays with me Tuesday night and his dad collects him from school and has him overnight.