Ex wants me to pay half the holiday club fees but won’t take any annual leave

[AveryIX]

My ex thinks I should pay half the holiday club for half term even though he wont take any time off to have DS. He’s got annual leave left but says he’s saving it for next year. DS is 6 and in year 2 so obviously I cant just leave him at home while im at work.

We split up about 2 years ago and he has him Wednesday nights and alternate weekends. Its generally ok although I do most of the organising around school and clubs etc. I work in a supermarket bakery and my shifts change every few weeks so I have to get my rota sorted quite far in advance. I cant just decide not to work because its half term.

The holiday club is £32 a day and I’ve booked him in for 4 days so far as thats when I’m definitely working. I can cover some of the other days with annual leave but not all of them. My mum helps when she can but she still works herself and I cant expect her to take time off for me.

I asked ex if he could take a couple of days off as he has plenty of notice and he said no because he wants to save his leave for a holiday next year. I said fine but then surely he can pay towards the club if I’m having to pay for it because neither of us is available. He says we should split it 50/50 and that childcare is my responsibility to sort out on my days. I said yes but these are school holidays and he is working on the days he would normally have DS anyway so I’m not really sure how that makes it my responsibility.

He says he pays maintenance and that should cover his contribution towards DS. I do understand that he pays maintenance and I’m not asking him to pay for everything, but I dont think its unreasonable to expect him to help with holiday childcare when he could take some leave. He took 3 days off last month to go away with his girlfriend so its not like he has none left. He said thats completely different and he shouldn’t have to use his holiday allowance to cover my childcare.

I dont want to fall out over it because we do usually get on ok and DS loves seeing his dad. But I also cant afford to pay for everything just because I happen to be the one who sorts it out. AIBU to think he should either take some leave to have him or contribute to the holiday club? Or am I being unreasonable expecting him to use his annual leave for childcare?

I get what you mean OP, and you're being too lenient on your ex, but I suppose you have no choice in that. Your ex should have your son 50% of the time during school holidays. If he has to work during his 50% of parenting time, then he has to find, arrange and pay for adequate childcare.

Wednesday's are a red herring that seem to confuse some people. It doesn't matter that, due to your child's age, his father only has to look after him on Wednesday evening during term time. If Wed is his day with his dad, then if the child is off school sick on a Wednesday, his dad should have him for the whole day and evening. But I bet that doesn't happen either.

No advice, OP - you can't make a pathetic man child be a better man - but YANBU.

Who normally has him on a Wednesday in school holidays?

The ex wife of one of my colleagues once showed up and delivered their 6 and 8 yr old daughters to reception. Judging by how he spoke about the mother of his kids I strongly suspect her was a bit of a dick to her. Anyway the reception ladies were 😳😲🍿. He had to scrabble around his day and then take a half day off to take them home. I secretly quite admired the xw and thought this is a lady who has reached the end of her tether

Okay then I think his time starts from after school Wednesday. A friend of mine had to get all this in writing. Very similar set up. At first, it was just Wednesdays and EOW but then it was clarified to be Wednesday, 330pm - Thursday 8am and then EO Friday 330pm to Monday 8am. So in those times, childcare was dad's responsibility.

When he was single we used to be quite flexible with it tbh. He would often take the Wednesday off and have DS and then we would swap days around a bit so he wasnt in holiday club every day. I’d cover some other days or he’d go to the club depending on what shifts I was doing.

Its only really changed now because his dad wants to save his annual leave for next year and is saying its my job to sort childcare. Before we could usually work something out between us without it turning into an argument. I dont expect him to take every holiday off but I thought we could still share it a bit rather than DS being in the club all week.

Not an expert at all on these threads (not divorced thank God) but I always read them and wonder why divorce settlements don't automatically include 50-50 on childcare, whether it's nursery/after school/holidays. Sorry, bit beside the point.

Wow!

Fairplay to her, not a great experience for the kids but as you say she had clearly had enough of a pathetic ex husband. I hope he's learnt his lesson.

OP - you need to get something formal set up or this will just keep happening. The Wednesday is irrelevant to the fact that he needs to step up.

I think you have muddied the water by being the person to take the day off if DS is too sick to attend school on Wednesdays. (I can totally see how it happens). I would be very afraid of setting this precedent by paying 50/50 for his day. I’d point out you receive no maintenance for Wednesdays precisely because it is his day therefore the cost should be on him. (Or he is welcome to take the day off)
If he won’t see sense, I might be tempted to go on the offensive and say you have clearly been too lenient to date if he thinks this is acceptable, and going forwards you need to make it clear Wednesdays are his days and if son is not in school for any reason, he will be expected to step up. If he isn’t happy with that, you will keep DS with you on Wednesdays going forwards and he can take you to court if he doesn’t like it. You can’t make him parent his child, but you can stop him cherry picking the bits he likes and arranging it exclusively for his convenience and financial interest. I’d also make a proposal for school holidays in general - does he want just wed and alternate weekends same as during term time or 50/50? If he chooses just wed and weekends, he will never be able to take DS on holiday. If 50/50, costs / time 50% on him.

What @Firefly100 said @AveryIX his day his responsibility and formalise things a bit more. If he wants you to take over on Wed, he can pay a bit more maintenance. Cheeky sod.

He should pay 100% for his days and you pay 100% for your days.

Tell him his days he pays for the childcare, or if he wants 50% paid for his days, then he has to pay 50% on your days too.

Can you not get UC help with your childcare?

Realistically, you need to get organised to sort this stuff independently, you’ve got another 5 or 6 years of holiday childcare to organise, and he’s never going to step up unless it suits him. He won’t stop being a prick.
If there are Ofsted registered holiday club providers, use them and get the 85% back from UC.

Solit the weeks in half and say you are sorting that many weeks and let him sort/pay for the rest whatever way he sees fit.

I don’t agree that he should only pay his days- as he only has Wednesday night that leaves op pretty much with picking up all other costs and maintenance won’t touch the sides

I mean op probably has zero chance of getting more but it does not seem at all balanced . And it’s very telling that he will take holiday to be with girlfriend but not his child. Op is getting a raw deal here but likely will have yo just suck it up !

I’d say if paid childcare is needed during the time he would otherwise be responsible for DS then he should pay, if paid childcare is needed during the time you would be responsible for DS then you should pay. If he is offering to pay 50% of childcare costs for time that he wouldn’t otherwise be responsible for DS, then he is being reasonable.

Regardless of anything else, he’s a twat. He rarely sees his child, only pays £180 a month for their upkeep and is quibbling over £12.50

He pays £45 a week for his child and thinks that should cover everything. Does he live in a bubble ? Children cost way more than that. Remind him that £6.40 a day doesn’t feed and clothe a child.

He is being ridiculous. Clearly the amount he pays in maintenance goes nowhere near covering the costs you have.

Going forward, you do need a formal arrangement.

For this occasion, can you say that as he considers his time to start at the end of the school day on Wednesday, yours starts at the end of the school day on Thursday so Ex needs to figure out Thursday daytime. You switch the booked day to Wednesday, Ex picks up from after school club on Wednesday, and then he already has DS so has to make arrangements himself .

i would book the holiday club for Wednesday, and not Thursday. If he usually drops off at school on Thursday morning then that’s the day he has to sort out, and you won’t be there to help as you’ll be at work!

Of course he should be contributing to childcare during the holidays as a responsible parent, either with his time or money. What he pays in child support doesn't account for that

You should be paying for all of your days and he should be paying for all of his. If you don’t need it then why pay for it.

His maintenance is not to cover childcare on his days, it was calculated based on the number of days he has his child and how many he doesn’t. Childcare on his time is his responsibility, if he needs it he takes time off or he pays for it…simple.

Just tell him you aren’t getting involved in any of his plans for his days, you will rearrange your shifts and plans, or pay for the childcare you need, to ensure you cover the days you need to in line with your CAO.

If you don’t have a CAO then you need to go get one, because it will prevent these situations. Either way, whoever is normally responsible for him based on your current pattern is the one who should pay. If he were sick and couldn’t go to school on the Wednesday who would have him? If it is you then you pay, if it is dad then he pays.

I’d do it as Thursday and then he has ds over night weds and either takes Thursday off or arranges childcare.

With this update I absolutely think he should pay the Wednesday in full and he’s being a shit!

£180 a month isn’t much at all in my opinion.

Now I think YA definitely NBU.

It does sound worth formalising all this though so he can’t do this again just because he’s got a new woman on the scene.

You should be responsible for half the holidays each. Whether you pay childcare or take holiday for those days then is not of concern to the other parent.