How do you cope while separating but still living together?

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

It’s been two weeks since OH & I decided that we need to separate, and to be honest I am all over the place.

The main factor here is that neither one of us can move out right now. I thought living in the same house would be a struggle but my god this is so hard. Having to keep the peace in front of the children, making small talk, seeing him glued to his poxy phone all evening, the list goes on. I don’t feel like I can emotionally cope with this whilst we both remain in the family home :(

Anyone who has been in this position, or currently is - please share some words of wisdom. What helped you navigate, how do we avoid getting into the late night disputes over what he/she said. I’m still really hurt and for many reasons feel so resentful towards him.

I did this for 3 months. He refused to move out. I ended up renting a property for me and the children as I could not stand the atmosphere in the house. He would come and go as he pleased during this time.
it's so difficult. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

Sorry to vent by MY GOD this man is infuriating. I don’t want to scream at him or rant at my friends, but he’s just insufferable.

Every day he’s eating my food (he’s not even contributing half the household costs, not even including food), he leaves a complete mess everywhere, and he can’t resist insulting me whenever he can.

I just offered to take one of his kids for a day trip so he can spend time with the other, and he readily agreed, then said “it’s a shame, we could have been friends if you weren’t so sick in the head.”

🤐😡😡👹

I haven’t read the full thread but I am a year and half in to this exact situation, I have about one month more then it’s over. It’s stressful but I have - some how - detached myself. I treat it like a work relationship. I don’t get angry, react or get emotional. It’s grey rock even when my ex reacts. I approach everything as if it’s a work problem, ask for time to answer if I’m not sure and am always polite and respectful (as much as I can be). Appreciate not everyone works or works in an office so maybe can’t relate. I’m just describing what I do. It’s so so hard but giving myself these boundaries has helped massively. I instigated the split and want to protect my DC at all costs - over and above my own well being - so I guess this has helped me focus. I imagine myself at the end and how free I’ll feel all the time, which helps. I get out the house as much as I possibly can. I’ve saved all I possibly can so I can go away - even if just for one night - with DC. I take up all offers to stay with family and friends. I do everything I can to protect my peace. I think this probably sounds kind of robotic but it’s just self preservation. This is my personal approach, I know it’s not going to work for everyone, all circumstances and partners are different. My main advice is to remember this is a process, there IS an end. You will get there.

I’m 4 months in and it’s both fine and awful at the same time. We do have the luxury of space so don’t really come across each other, but he has totally walked away from parenting or household responsibilities - but he does take them out here and there and buys them lavish gifts, which I’m struggling with because obviously he’s the fun guy while I just nag about hygiene and homework whilst working full-time and holding it all together.
I’ll be here a while yet, but it will end and I’m enjoying the posts from people who are enjoying life now they’re out the other side.

I have the same problem, he’s switched into fun weekend dad and I’m the nag who makes them brush their teeth.

Also taking solace from the escapees!

Plenty of us coming out of 25+ marriages/relationships at /around the age of 50....maybe this is the age us women refuse to put up with their shitty crap anymore and are done waiting for the DC to be off to uni so we can finally make a leap for our independence !!

Here's to you and your new life @ParkedAvenger , happy for you and hoping to be there too by 2027 !!

Just coming back to this thread. I had a blissful week away with the kids, ex was away concurrently and today he is back home and it is like a black cloud has settled over the house - he's wound two of the kids up (I think not realising that they are exhausted) and has tried to pick several fights with me. Also most unhappy that the food in the fridge wasn't to his liking, poor lamb.

God willing I have a moving date soon.

Just found this thread and wish I'd seen it months ago! Me and DH agreed to split 'oh so amicably and mutually' in March but DS2 had GCSEs this year so we held off telling kids until those were over. So we've been 'public' since June about the decision and in separate bedrooms since then. We've agreed I'll stay in the family home until DS2's A levels are done (so 2 more years) and he's moving out but my god it took A TIME for him to find a flat. Thankfully it's all sorted now and he's moving out start of September. I've found it incredibly stressful being in limbo and just want him gone so I can get on with living my life without him. I do cook for us all as it seems needlessly churlish and inconvenient to just cook for me and 2 DS (older one home from uni). However I drew the line at laundry - ExH is OLD and the thought of me ironing his shirts and washing his pants so he can go out with other women was a boundary for me. I have zero jealousy / romantic feelings but I won't be his maid.

Anyway - the end of our 20+ years of cohabitation is nigh, I am excited but also slightly terrified (esp re finances). Stay strong x

Good luck @Frickles I can imagine it’s a mix of emotions. X

Hi, I’m currently in this position, 5 young children, and it’s bloody hard! My children are also SEN so I’m so nervous about what the future holds! I’m hoping we can get along for the interim, until we get as far as deciding he’s moving out, and what happens next, it’s only a few days since we separated so still very new to me. He hasn’t told family yet and I dread what it’s going to be like when he does! Take it a day at a time. Plan out new life with friends and family. Go for meals out, nights out, shopping, try adopt your new life to be.. happy to chat

I’m two weeks into this situation and will remain in the family home until November. How did you cope with the awkward silence?

I’m a year into this and wish I’d found this thread sooner! I asked DH for a trial separation in Sept 25 but he has nowhere to go so we stayed living together but in separate bedrooms (we have two DC aged 13 and 16). In the November I told him I wanted the separation to be permanent and I filed for divorce in April. Final stages of divorce should be done in Nov/Dec. My DH dragged his feet a lot and could not accept it was happening, we also had a bereavement in the family and this combination of factors meant things went slowly. If I had the money I would have moved out much sooner but we need both our salaries to pay the mortgage. We are just entering mediation to sort out the financial
order and will then know how much we each have to spend on somewhere new. I am dreading the mediation because DH has bigger assets, income and pension and feels like I am ‘coming after’ his money even though in his rational moments he understands I am entitled to some of it after 18 years of marriage during which I did most of the housework and childcare and put
my career on the back burner when the kids were small.

I am lucky in that we have managed to keep things fairly amicable. We only told the kids about the divorce in the summer (DH has still not told his siblings) so we spent a long time knowing we were separated when they didn’t. We still eat meals together as a family (not every day, more like once a week, and I do almost all the cooking unless I am away) and like someone upthread we even went on holiday in the summer as a family because it was booked and paid for.

As far as tips go, I think mine only apply where things age relatively amicable. We have had some a couple of rows during this time but not many and basically once I told him it was over most of our reasons for arguing were over because I just wouldn’t discuss it any more. We have been in couples’ therapy throughout which has been helpful in giving us space to discuss things, but it’s expensive and as a PP said, so any woman in this position I would recommend therapy for yourself first. That I think is very helpful.

Beyond that I think it helps to have your own space as much as you can. I sleep in a small single bed in a box room but it’s totally worth it. I have stopped doing his laundry (and like a PP said he has not washed his sheets once this year - although I’ve done them occasionally when a family member stayed and slept in his bed). I still do almost all the housework and child-related admin but it’s easier now because I see it as preparing for life on my own. Our therapist advised he should start taking responsibility for getting the kids ready for school a couple of times a week and he did that for a bit but not for long.

One thing I would say is that if you are amicable then living together can really test your resolve. I’ve never changed my mind about wanting a divorce but it’s been really hard having to be a witness to DH’s misery all the time and I wish I could have moved on from that. But part of me will be sad when he is in the past of my life and not the present. I miss what we once had, and when you live together still it feels very present even though it’s no longer possible.

OMG @AriesFairy yours hasn’t done his sheets either?! 🤢 Ugh. I was getting so sick of the musty smell upstairs I bought a plugin air freshener… which then promptly gave me a migraine!?!?! Am still resisting swooping in to do them but I might have to put a cordon up or something to protect me and DD from the biohazard ☣️. Grim.

Hi, can I join? My husband and I had “the chat” today that we really need to properly seperate. We’ve been living separately for years, under the same roof. There’s been no intimacy for years and we’ve been sleeping in the seperate rooms for about 2 years. I haven’t been touched for years! He is a nice man but there have been a lot of issues (won’t bore you) and nothing is going to change. Two primary aged kids. I’m only 40 and I realised
—I can’t go on like this forever, I am so lonely (and he must be too)
-the chat today wasn’t the end of our romantic / spousal relationship. That’s been over for a long time. It’s just the start of the moving on phase.

DH is v upset but agrees we can’t go on.

we are nearly at the end of a 5 year house renovation . Probably next spring / summer the house will be saleable and I have no idea what we will do then. I dont know how we will run two homes. We do have about £250k equity so that will help.

I really really hope we can agree a sensible split and do what’s best for our kids and stay friends. But that’s what they all say isn’t it.

nobody has cheated or anything like that. I can see how people in marriages like mine end up having affairs though. I never thought I’d say that… I think surely it has to be better to try and move forward in a positive way than let things get any worse

Gosh I haven’t even thought about when to tell the children. I don’t think yet. Nothing will change for them for a few months at least. DH and I are like passing ships anyway. I think the adults need to come to terms with things and make a plan first ?

oh… and when do I stop wearing my wedding ring? I would like to stop wearing it now as it would feel like such relief but I think that would be too much too soon for DH. (Don’t think kids would notice).

@EezyOozy i haven’t told my children yet either, and for the same reason. Other than we’re separating there’s nothing to tell them - it’ll just tip their lives upside down and then nothing will change for months……..

I am in exactly the same boat @Dirril . Nothing can happen until at least next summer so there’s no point worrying them now. I’d like to take of my wedding ring now but it might catch their attention so I’ll just have to keep pretending all is fine for a few more long months. I hope you are okay. I’m glad I found this thread.

we had to do this and only for a month and that was painful , cannot imagine how you have all coped for longer . My nearly ex husband also just acted like normal in respect of dinner/ housework etc when i said about doing own laundry he couldn’t get it, I didn’t mind washing his pants when we were together but I wasn’t doing after. he slept on sofa and out dc older so knew what was going on, also I suspect he was sat messaging his FRIEND whilst sat in our house now.

I’ve been in this situation since February, hopefully moving out later this month god willing. It’s been a long haul. We only told the kids once my house purchase seemed to be confirmed, because then it was possible to say Dad’s going to live here, Mum’s going to live here, on x days you will be here, on y days you will be there and so on.

@13RidgmontRoad Yes, that’s my plan too. I’m house hunting at the moment and will tell them once I’ve had an offer accepted somewhere and it looks like it will go through.

We haven’t had a single conversation about what is going to happen with the kids. Not least because he isn’t even acknowledging me so talking about anything isn’t possible.