How do you cope while separating but still living together?

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

It’s been two weeks since OH & I decided that we need to separate, and to be honest I am all over the place.

The main factor here is that neither one of us can move out right now. I thought living in the same house would be a struggle but my god this is so hard. Having to keep the peace in front of the children, making small talk, seeing him glued to his poxy phone all evening, the list goes on. I don’t feel like I can emotionally cope with this whilst we both remain in the family home :(

Anyone who has been in this position, or currently is - please share some words of wisdom. What helped you navigate, how do we avoid getting into the late night disputes over what he/she said. I’m still really hurt and for many reasons feel so resentful towards him.

Oh I’m sorry OP, this sounds so incredibly difficult.

My friend had to endure this for about 7 months and I know the emotional toll it took on her.

They thankfully had a big house so were able to completely stay out of each others way! They had a massive annexe type thing in the garden which she moved in to (for sleeping) whilst the husband kept the main bedroom. During the evenings the size of the house meant they could pretty much avoid each other and they ate separately.

In the week she did the majority of all things child related and at the weekend she either went to stay with her parents so her husband “had the children” or she shut herself away in the annexe, only appearing for food or to use the bathroom.

They basically set in place the arrangement of her having the children in the week and him having them during the weekend whilst they were still all living together.

It was very challenging but she said it was infinitely easier than having to be around him every day because the anger and resentment was just bubbling over and it was really affecting the children.

How are you currently managing things in a practical sense?

@ScaredButUnavoidable thank you for your kind words. We don’t have the luxury of annexes and spare rooms unfortunately, normal three bed house with a garage converted to home office. We have temporarily put a single mattress under our youngest’ cabin bed and I slept in there last night.

I just don’t understand how so many people do this without it ending terribly. There are still so many feelings there and I’d rather a clean break, but here we are. I have started to separate things like chores, clothes, and keeping conversation on need to know basis.

His view on all this appears to be different to mine - yesterday said to me ‘we are family after all’ and I tried to explain that ultimately in the future we will coparent the children while living separately. He won’t ever take responsibility for his actions and how it has massively contributed to the end of our relationship, and that is on my mind almost constantly…

I think you need to accept he sees it differently, waiting for him to take responsibility is going to drive you crazy - and what difference would it materially make. You’re separating, so he’s being faced with the consequences of his decision making and I think sometimes that needs to be enough.

Give yourself as much space as possible to plan for what comes next, which will help you cope with the in between stage.

Similar situation, currently I am avoiding being in same room as much as possible but this is not a sustainable or healthy approach for the kids as it is going to take sometimes to sell the house, so at some point we will need to try and be 'friendly'. He is currently on the sofa as well don't have a spare room but think may have to move youngest child in with me as longer term solution. He sounds similar in the 'we are family' which is ironic given his lack of input / support on the domestic front and emotional load over the years which has contributed a lot to where we are now, and him not wanting to actually try and fix it just an expectation that romantic feelings towards me will magically return for him without any effort at reconnecting . Just feeling numb at the moment , and day dreaming of winning the lottery so I could just leave , rather than what feels like is going to be a drawn out and painful process . Am also worried on the financial front as we live in an expensive area , I am the lower earner and being able to get an adequate part of equity and mortgage to house us all is daunting , I am on wrong side of 50s too ! Happy for you to PM me

Another one here OP .....almost fully separated these days in the same family home still, and a loose understanding that we will go our own ways with separate goals for our 50s once younger DD also hits 18 in a year !

How old are your DC

I'm sorry to hear so many other people are going through the same horrible thing. I'm separated from my husband in February (his choice) and we're still living together. It's been a nightmare as while i thought in time we'd sort everything (He said He needed time but that he might take me back) I found out He's been having an affair since April last year. The toughest thing is how he's acting like nothing has changed. He's acting like I'm his best mate watching tv, chatting, talking about how things will last us for years. But all while he's now blatantly continuing his relationship with his mistress by arranging hotel stays (because she's never been to London) and holidays that I just have to accept.

This thread has made me feel sick. So many disgusting men and strong women trying to keep it all together!
Thankfully we aren’t married but have young kids and a mortgage but he refuses to leave.

This is me - five months in. Divorce finalised in a month or two, god willing.

You get used to it, and weirdly we've gotten along better overall since I have dropped the rope and stopped expecting him to change. The very regular "Is there a side dish to go with this roast chicken?" type of questions he still asks me with a straight face are quite something - I think it's a miracle I'm not throwing the ruddy chicken at his head, let along cooking for him since I'm sorting the kids anyway - but luckily I have supportive friends who roll their eyes right along with me.

Hang in there.

Oh what awful behaviour , mine has behaved similarly , but without the affair as far as I know, but he had started signing up to dating apps and there was 'suspicious' internet activity , and this was while we were still supposed to be 'working through it's although he had clearly checked out !

I’m so sorry that some of you are going through it too. I’ll be honest today has been bloody hard for me emotionally. I’ve realise tonight that I’m spending far too much time thinking about all the what if’s, when really I need to be focusing on today, and tomorrow at a push. We have spent 17 of our lives together, and honestly I don’t think either one of us knows how to be an adult without the other. I knew this would happen eventually, but I’ve had some sort of realisation this year that no one’s coming to save me. I don’t do anything for myself. I’ve totally lost sense of who I am aside from being a wife and a mother. And I want that to change more than anything else. I’ve just spent a couple of hours with a good friend, who suggested counselling (asap) so that regardless of the outcome, we have someone externally to help us navigate the difficult next steps.

Our children are 9 and 5. I swear the 9 year old is picking up on it even though both of us are being very civil and ‘normal’ in front of them. He had the worst meltdown tonight over a smoothie and he didn’t want to be held by either of us which is unusual :(

I’d agree with counselling, but for you alone to help you navigate this next step for you. If he’s being an arse, he’ll be an arse in counselling too and that will frustrate the life out of you, and you’ll be paying for it. Counselling on your own will give you space to talk through how you’re coping, who you are as a person in your own right and will help you find your own path through this. Much better use of your time and money in my view.

Counselling is a great idea @iloveyoubutilovememore

Also keep posting on here and feel free to rant/vent when you need to

We can all relate to that feeling of having been in a decades long marriage and having lost the sense of self ....beyond being a wife and a mum.....

I met mine when I was 23 and I am 48 now ...we are separating....

This is not sustainable is it? You need to investigate living separately.

Currently in this situation too. He moved out but moved back in just because he can.
Constant verbal and emotional abuse, constant tension. Refusing to keep it away from the kids and attempting to manipulate them. Police have also been involved.
Its exhausting

How do you transition to being 'friends' or being just 'family that cares' when there is much being unsaid when one person was not expecting to be in this situation and feelings towards the other person are still 'life partner' despite also not being happy or getting my needs met in the relationship - still didn't think it would end in separation at least without actually going through a process of trying

We lived together for 4 months after we filed for divorce (I was the instigator). It was fine, we bumbled along.

I still made him dinner and did the laundry but we slept in separate bedrooms and tried to get into a pattern of looking after the kids at different times which eased them into it, so every other weekend we'd take it in turns.

And through the week we'd take it in turns to be in the house in the evenings, it was just easier than sitting watching tv together every night.

We did have a few rows but generally it was fine. We even went on holiday together during this period as it was booked and paid for.

I am in this position too. I ended it in April but we are still sharing the house until we can put it on the market and sell it. We are in separate bedrooms. Things are amicable. Too amicable for me. I wonder if he thinks we are still a couple who just happen not to have sex any more. He still wants to kiss me on the lips. I will try and avoid it, it feels weird. I would prefer if he was not so friendly with me, it would be easier. Our DD is grown and gone away, so just the two of us. I worry it might take a year to sell the house.

It is exhausting and draining , even when partly amicable or mostly periods of silence at best on both sides

You can't really move on can you......

Yes same here, there have been a few nights when he came into the guest room and I went along for the sake of peace

I do not see any chance of reconciliation though, he clearly says he can't stop his disrespectful ways with me........like talking down, belittling, sulks, grumpiness, verbal aggression and bullying.......

Life feels like a question mark for what happens after younger DC leaves re uni in a year

I’m quite petty, so decided to have a bit of fun with it when my exh was taking his time to move out many years ago. I invited friends and family who he didn’t like round to the house on a regular basis (my friends were very happy to help out!). Our children had several noisy, fun sleepovers with their friends during school holidays when he had work the next day. He hated vegetarian food so our fridge and freezer had no meat but plenty of veggie healthy stuff. I encouraged him to spend regular nights with his new girlfriend and made sure my friends asked loads of intrusive (but very ‘reasonable’) questions about her.

Best of all, he didn’t like our cats sleeping on the beds so I encouraged them into the bedrooms. One of them peed on the duvet while he was in the bed! 😂

I think you need to move heaven and earth to get your own space. I have moved my 'office' into a bit of the living room ( it's just a desk and filing cabinet- I've started going into the office more often) and just having my own space is priceless. I have a double bed and my own telly. It's a small room but mine, and worth it! It's still annoying though. I still get ' What's for dinner' but the kids were away last week and I didn't cook for him.

OMG! What a good idea! I need to start doing things that would freak him out, like coming home one day with three rescue dogs!

@Flapjak my god I could have written those words. He hasn’t even tried, yet all of a sudden I hate him and he’s the victim…

I feel like this thread is for me! What timing! I want to ask for a separation but we’ll have to live together whilst I (because it won’t be him) save up a deposit and rent for him to go. I think it might take me a few months.

I haven’t told him yet because I was in two minds about whether to wait and get the money first or tell him and live through it but I can’t keep pretending it’s all fine.

Just need to pluck up the courage to tell him now!

I am glad to have found this thread.

We have separated but need to live together whilst we sort the house and sell it. He’s doing nothing to help (in fact, actively hindering when he can), eating all my food and blanking me.

It’s absolutely horrible.