How do you cope while separating but still living together?

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

It’s been two weeks since OH & I decided that we need to separate, and to be honest I am all over the place.

The main factor here is that neither one of us can move out right now. I thought living in the same house would be a struggle but my god this is so hard. Having to keep the peace in front of the children, making small talk, seeing him glued to his poxy phone all evening, the list goes on. I don’t feel like I can emotionally cope with this whilst we both remain in the family home :(

Anyone who has been in this position, or currently is - please share some words of wisdom. What helped you navigate, how do we avoid getting into the late night disputes over what he/she said. I’m still really hurt and for many reasons feel so resentful towards him.

@MoveOnPlease sending hugs - that sounds horrid! How long do you think you will have to endure it for?

@iloveyoubutilovememore

I lived with my now exH for over a year after filing for divorce. And it was a difficult divorce too. Was the hardest thing I have ever done.
But - mercifully - it ends and life moves on.

Just focus on day to day. And plan your future. Prepare what you need to prepare. Make new routines. Start doing things by yourself,
Your kids are small and won't remember much of this time in a few years.

@moveonpleaseI have the same problem. We need to sell the house and I need to be here or it won't happen. The house needs some DIY and painting and of course it is all down to me, so can't put it on the market yet. I am awake in the night over it.

@iloveyoubutilovememoreI can see it being the same length of time for me. It's helpful to know it is survivable.

I think it’s going to take a month or two to get it on the market, then however long it takes to sell. He’s refusing to help with any DIY or entertaining our toddler so I can do it.

It’s really amazing how quickly one’s love and respect for someone can vanish, isn’t it?

I’ve enlisted friends and family to come to help, which is speeding things up. Could you do the same? Today he went for a nap whilst I was stripping wallpaper. Such an idiot.

This is my second divorce and I remember the first time living with my ex and 2 very small children was so difficult. Game face for the children is exhausting. At least at my age - post 50 - I can wallow/go out etc. to try to make it better. I do remember moving out the first time and just feeling such joy!

That'll learn ya to not to get married again!

@Notachristmaself indeed....

Reading this and learning
Considering a grey divorce
Its inevitably going to happen at some point

I can’t wait til we live separately and I can change the passwords to all the subscription services I’ve paid for for years.

Fu*king hell this isn’t for the faint hearted is it. I can’t see how this is going to get any easier whatsoever. He’s not even being that difficult, it’s that he just doesn’t seem fussed at all. Not one attempt at a conversation with me about it, very surface level and as if I’m an old friend. I am hurting so much…

@Sashya are you amicable now? I am doing more for myself which feels good, it’s more when I have to be at home that emotionally I struggle. I feel it would be easier if he just bloody left, but I know for the children it would be horrific and confusing. But of course he won’t leave!

Similar @iloveyoubutilovememore - kind of feels almost unreal - like was there ever any substance and deep feelings there at all, but maybe we have both gone into self protection mode and the only way to cope is to shut down all / any feelings - it's hard as the person to go to for comfort is no longer there

We lived together for another 10 months while we sold the house. Luckily it was pretty amicable and civil between us but it was still very difficult.

@Flapjak that is exactly it! The person I went to for comfort, just a hug at the end of a tough day is no longer there!

I haven’t told my DH yet. I’ve mentally done it in my head but can’t bring myself to say it out loud. It’s the thought of living with him and whilst I think he’d be amicable I’m worried in case he’s not. I just want to fast forward 6 months, and be done with. We private rent so I don’t need to sell or anything to get him out just deposit etc for somewhere else but when you don’t have it, the amount feels irrelevant.

You’re all doing so well to keep living with them. Keep going