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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Update on husband who never left the sofa

102 replies

Newstart02839 · 15/07/2026 14:49

I dont know if anyone will be interested or even remember (I have name changed) but I just wanted to give an update
I have posted on here many many times feeling desperate and too scared to take the leap and separate. Been with husband 25 years, 2 teenagers. Over the past 6 years unfortunately he had a mental health crisis which he hasn't been able to fully recover from and he hasn't engaged well with the recovery services offered to him. Instead he chose to leave his job, and stop living his life. He has sat on the sofa watching tv for 15 hours plus every day for the past 5 years whilst me and the children lived life around him. Things got worse and worse. I became desperately unhappy. So did the children as their dad didn't actually participate in their lives. He was just there.
This past year my health was hugely effected from the stress and it has done me permanent damage. That was when I decided enough is enough. I told him I wanted to seperate 2 months ago and he has been moved out for 1 month so far.
Whilst I am extremely sad it has come to this, I feel like a different person. I feel free. I feel like im living again. My kids are happier. I am so proud of myself for doing this . It should have been done years ago.
Initially the plan was to take time apart, co parent and stay friends at the very least. Still try to function as a family unit but live apart. Unfortunately that has not happened. He has withdrew even further and is not communicating. He has barley seen the children, and does not contact our son at all. This means I am doing 100% of everything but I was already when he still lived here. He actually told his parents that hed left me and said it was me that did nothing and sat around all day. Absolutely unbelievable after what my family has had to tolerate this past few years. Luckily his family know the truth and know this isnt true. We are going to see them today and are still in contact.
I dont know exactly what the future holds, but I know for sure I have done the right thing.
Please please dont keep putting it off for years like I did. You are losing years of your life.

  • I do not consent to this being put on social media.
OP posts:
HGHGHG · 16/07/2026 09:34

I do not consent to this being put on social media.

Newsflash - this IS social media, and MN will probably put this on FB

ToohotToohotToohot · 16/07/2026 09:34
  • I do not consent to this being put on social media.

@Newstart02839 Anything posted on MN is theirs as they hold copyright. Legally it's their property. Once you post, it's there for them to do what they want with. This is on the T&Cs.

MN is social media.

NightOwlNutter · 16/07/2026 09:49

I think you are amazing and very brave - that must have been one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. I hope he eventually sees the light and gets the help that he so desperately needs.

PepsiBook · 16/07/2026 09:53

Well done. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
You've done the absolute right thing by yourself and your kids.

Dymaxion · 16/07/2026 09:55

I am genuinely so pleased to read your update @Newstart02839 , I remember your thread , well done on reclaiming your and your children's lives.

gmgnts · 16/07/2026 10:11

Well done and good luck to you!

Diamondsareforever72 · 16/07/2026 10:20

Newstart02839 · 15/07/2026 14:49

I dont know if anyone will be interested or even remember (I have name changed) but I just wanted to give an update
I have posted on here many many times feeling desperate and too scared to take the leap and separate. Been with husband 25 years, 2 teenagers. Over the past 6 years unfortunately he had a mental health crisis which he hasn't been able to fully recover from and he hasn't engaged well with the recovery services offered to him. Instead he chose to leave his job, and stop living his life. He has sat on the sofa watching tv for 15 hours plus every day for the past 5 years whilst me and the children lived life around him. Things got worse and worse. I became desperately unhappy. So did the children as their dad didn't actually participate in their lives. He was just there.
This past year my health was hugely effected from the stress and it has done me permanent damage. That was when I decided enough is enough. I told him I wanted to seperate 2 months ago and he has been moved out for 1 month so far.
Whilst I am extremely sad it has come to this, I feel like a different person. I feel free. I feel like im living again. My kids are happier. I am so proud of myself for doing this . It should have been done years ago.
Initially the plan was to take time apart, co parent and stay friends at the very least. Still try to function as a family unit but live apart. Unfortunately that has not happened. He has withdrew even further and is not communicating. He has barley seen the children, and does not contact our son at all. This means I am doing 100% of everything but I was already when he still lived here. He actually told his parents that hed left me and said it was me that did nothing and sat around all day. Absolutely unbelievable after what my family has had to tolerate this past few years. Luckily his family know the truth and know this isnt true. We are going to see them today and are still in contact.
I dont know exactly what the future holds, but I know for sure I have done the right thing.
Please please dont keep putting it off for years like I did. You are losing years of your life.

  • I do not consent to this being put on social media.

I remember your thread. Well done! Life can only get better.
Big hugs!

lulujuju · 16/07/2026 10:28

I remember your thread and how sad it was. Well done, so pleased for you and your children!

madamegazelle1 · 16/07/2026 10:32

I remember your thread- so pleased for you!

WildLeader · 16/07/2026 10:36

Oh god I’m so happy for you @Newstart02839

i remember vividly the fear of leaving my ex, he’d worn me down for years.

when he’d gone, after a few days of feeling like the biggest idiot who ever lived, I saw my DS begin to bloom, I felt better, and all I can tell you is that it will keep getting better

have faith in yourself, love your kids and show them every day how much they mean to you and live your very best life.

im so thrilled for you. I’m so proud of you too.

WildLeader · 16/07/2026 10:38

And know that we’re ALWAYS interested in knowing what happened, especially when the news is so good. Of course we remembered you!

Baking07 · 16/07/2026 10:38

Well done.
Over the years reading such threads as this.

EVERY woman has deeply regretted not leaving earlier.

He has taken years from your children and you.
His choice.

How well he was sble to conjure up such a lie.
That is who he is.
Well able to use you and try and protect himself.

Remind yourself of the lie should you be tempted at all to allow him back into the family home.

If you can at all, perhaps think of some family therapy for you and the children.

Even a few sessions where everyone gets to speak their truth, can help your children process these last years, their confusion, and hopefully move forward.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

INeedAnotherName · 16/07/2026 10:54

I remember you. I remember how sad and desperate you were and how it oozed out of your posts. Bloody well done on finding the courage and strength to ask him to leave and hopefully his parents can now take on the role in trying to get him to engage with outside help.

Excellent news! Flowers🍾

AppleTreeClose · 16/07/2026 10:55

Newstart02839 · 15/07/2026 14:49

I dont know if anyone will be interested or even remember (I have name changed) but I just wanted to give an update
I have posted on here many many times feeling desperate and too scared to take the leap and separate. Been with husband 25 years, 2 teenagers. Over the past 6 years unfortunately he had a mental health crisis which he hasn't been able to fully recover from and he hasn't engaged well with the recovery services offered to him. Instead he chose to leave his job, and stop living his life. He has sat on the sofa watching tv for 15 hours plus every day for the past 5 years whilst me and the children lived life around him. Things got worse and worse. I became desperately unhappy. So did the children as their dad didn't actually participate in their lives. He was just there.
This past year my health was hugely effected from the stress and it has done me permanent damage. That was when I decided enough is enough. I told him I wanted to seperate 2 months ago and he has been moved out for 1 month so far.
Whilst I am extremely sad it has come to this, I feel like a different person. I feel free. I feel like im living again. My kids are happier. I am so proud of myself for doing this . It should have been done years ago.
Initially the plan was to take time apart, co parent and stay friends at the very least. Still try to function as a family unit but live apart. Unfortunately that has not happened. He has withdrew even further and is not communicating. He has barley seen the children, and does not contact our son at all. This means I am doing 100% of everything but I was already when he still lived here. He actually told his parents that hed left me and said it was me that did nothing and sat around all day. Absolutely unbelievable after what my family has had to tolerate this past few years. Luckily his family know the truth and know this isnt true. We are going to see them today and are still in contact.
I dont know exactly what the future holds, but I know for sure I have done the right thing.
Please please dont keep putting it off for years like I did. You are losing years of your life.

  • I do not consent to this being put on social media.

Congratulations to you, you're a star! Life's for the living and I wish you and your children the very best of everything xx

ScribblingPixie · 16/07/2026 10:55

I remember you, OP, and I'm glad it's an onwards and upwards situation. Well done!

Abracadabra12345 · 16/07/2026 11:08

Newstart02839 · 15/07/2026 14:49

I dont know if anyone will be interested or even remember (I have name changed) but I just wanted to give an update
I have posted on here many many times feeling desperate and too scared to take the leap and separate. Been with husband 25 years, 2 teenagers. Over the past 6 years unfortunately he had a mental health crisis which he hasn't been able to fully recover from and he hasn't engaged well with the recovery services offered to him. Instead he chose to leave his job, and stop living his life. He has sat on the sofa watching tv for 15 hours plus every day for the past 5 years whilst me and the children lived life around him. Things got worse and worse. I became desperately unhappy. So did the children as their dad didn't actually participate in their lives. He was just there.
This past year my health was hugely effected from the stress and it has done me permanent damage. That was when I decided enough is enough. I told him I wanted to seperate 2 months ago and he has been moved out for 1 month so far.
Whilst I am extremely sad it has come to this, I feel like a different person. I feel free. I feel like im living again. My kids are happier. I am so proud of myself for doing this . It should have been done years ago.
Initially the plan was to take time apart, co parent and stay friends at the very least. Still try to function as a family unit but live apart. Unfortunately that has not happened. He has withdrew even further and is not communicating. He has barley seen the children, and does not contact our son at all. This means I am doing 100% of everything but I was already when he still lived here. He actually told his parents that hed left me and said it was me that did nothing and sat around all day. Absolutely unbelievable after what my family has had to tolerate this past few years. Luckily his family know the truth and know this isnt true. We are going to see them today and are still in contact.
I dont know exactly what the future holds, but I know for sure I have done the right thing.
Please please dont keep putting it off for years like I did. You are losing years of your life.

  • I do not consent to this being put on social media.

I’m so pleased for you. I do know there are many women who would love to LTB but know their partner would never leave the family home which means huge complications.

So can I ask how you managed to get this inert, severely depressed (but not engaging with MH services), disengaged man to leave? And where has he gone? Is he living with his parents?

Isanyonereallyanonymous · 16/07/2026 11:10

Im another one of those who remember your original thread OP. Well done for making the change, I'm sure it wasn't easy but the relief in your post this time shines through

SpiritedFlame · 16/07/2026 11:41

I'm so pleased for you OP that you were able to take this step and also that his family see straight through him!

I remember your thread/s well and whilst I know it must be hard doing 100% (solo parent here too), I do find it easier when I know it is just me. Sometimes people have come over to "help" and then just sat on the sofa, not as bad as your ex but eurgh just thinking there's help or another adult who could help was infuriating so I can't imagine for you!

I'm sorry he chose not to engage but that's on him. I truly believe you did everything you could to get him the help.

chocoluv · 16/07/2026 11:47

Sometimes I can get very frustrated with posters who waste their lives on men that are no good for them.

I always think that life is too short.
You should always try and live your own best life.

You cannot stay in a relationship where one person has already checked out.
Of course he’s unwell which made it more difficult but he wasn’t getting better with you there and so it’s now time to focus on yourself.

Well done you for being brave enough to put yourself (and children) first.
You do not own him and it’s only him that can help himself.

Husaria · 16/07/2026 11:49

Well done!
How did you manage to move him out of the sofa and throw him out? Just curious xxx.

Lipglossed · 16/07/2026 11:58

Well done! Your children will grow up to understand how strong you were to do this and will be so glad that you did, even if it’s challenging now with their useless dad not seeing them.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 16/07/2026 12:19

@Newstart02839 So so happy for you!!

If I remember correctly, wasn't he also ordering you guys about from the sofa?

Dreadful man!

I would also like to know HOW you got him out and where is he now?

Well done woman!

katseyes7 · 16/07/2026 12:33

I'm so pleased for you, OP.
As time goes on you'll really come to appreciate that your previous circumstances were totally unreasonable and damaging for you and your children.
I had similar with my ex husband, although we didn't have kids.
I worked shifts, earned almost twice what he did, he was highly intelligent but so lazy. Yet apparently our lives "revolved around my fucking shifts."
The shifts that gave us a new detached house and a new car each.
It wasn't until we separated that l realised that yes, l was doing everything, but l was doing it for me. Not for a lazy hanger on who would do nothing except when he had no option.
Good luck, and l hope you and your family have a very happy future. x

LilyDaisyRoseFern · 16/07/2026 12:41

Well done OP !! So happy for you !!

Can someone PM me a link to OP's older threads please, under her other earlier name

Changes26 · 16/07/2026 12:42

Well done OP! You did it. You’re free.

I hope you can have a ceremonial burning of that sofa and buy a beautiful new one.